I Don't Want You to be Alone
by pickmeforever
Summary: Meredith is left a shell of her former self when she loses her husband, she ups and moves to seattle to live with her 2 best friends cristina and alex... when she meets Derek, does she deserve a second chance at love? will she allow herself it? AU, xx
1. Chapter 1 Forever and More

**Chapter 1 – forever and more...**

Meredith boarded the plane with deep sorrow in her heart, she hated to be leaving her home, but she had no choice, she had to get away from this place and all of its memories, there was nothing left here for her anymore. She had never felt more alone. If she was ever going to start to feel like herself again then she needed a clean break, away from her heartache...but with the promise that on anniversaries, birthdays and holidays she would be back...she would never forget...?

Two Years Earlier

''Do you Meredith Elizabeth Grey take thee William Peter Worthington to be your lawfully wedded husband...''

''in sickness and in health...''

''I do...''

As Meredith and William lay in each other's arms in the master suite of the elegant British country house, a surprise honeymoon from Williams parents, they both smiled sweetly remembering the moment just 24 hours ago when they had become man and wife, childhood sweet hearts overcoming all doubt and all the challenges that had been cruelly dealt to them during their relationship, a relationship that had began 6 years earlier when they were only 17. Now married and aged 24 Meredith was about to start her internship at Mass Gen as soon as they returned home and it would be close to William as he spent nearly all of his time at the hospital and would continue to do so for some time to come. It had been a lengthy process ensuring Mer was accepted into the programme but their determination had paid off and this way she could be close to him always, and she could work towards her dream of becoming a neuro surgeon, a dream he too shared with her and never wanted her to let go off.

They intertwined their hands together and just couldn't believe how perfect this felt, their hands fit, they were a perfect match and as the morning sun crept in through the crack in the curtains and the sunlight spread through the room, the gold bands that lay around their fingers shimmered and sparkled and made the walls of the room seem alive with happiness.

'Forever' William whispered into Meredith's hair as he kissed the top of her head and went to move out of the bed, but Meredith tightened the grip around his hand and didn't let him go, she bought his hand up to her lips and kissed his wedding band...

'Forever and more.' She whispered back 'forever and more...

Present day

As the plane took off Meredith took a deep breath and forced herself to look out of the window, one last good bye, for the time been at least, she felt the tears begin to pool in her eyes and the first tear escaped down her cheek, quickly followed by hundreds more.

'Goodbye William' she heard herself whisper and deep, deep inside her mind she could have sworn she heard him reply...

'I love you Meredith, you can do this...goodbye...'

'Ma'am are you ok?' Meredith heard a voice coming from above her and as she lifted her head she saw the pleading eyes of the airhostess, offering Meredith a small, sweet smile

'Can I get you anything Ma'am?

'No...Sorry...no thank you, I'm sorry...' Meredith managed to answer

'No problem we get hundreds of passengers scared of flying its completely normal.' The girl replied

'Oh...I'm...I'm...not...' Meredith couldn't finish her sentence; it was too much, she just offered a forced smile in return and let her head rest against the window, watching Boston disappear from view below her. As she felt her eyes close and much needed sleep began to take over her exhausted body.

After what felt like no more than a few minutes Meredith felt a soft touch on her forearm and a slight shaking

'William stop it, sleeping here...' Meredith giggled back

'Ma'am I'm sorry to disturb you, we are 15 minutes away from landing, and you need to refasten your seat belt.'

Meredith sat up with a start, a little confused initially, and then realised, she wasn't with him, and she was on the plane, leaving, walking away, and moving on?

'urm, sorry, I was miles away then, thank you' Meredith managed to mumble back as she sank back down into the seat and allowed herself a peak out the window as her new home began to come into view below her, houses getting clearer, lakes sparking below her, forests thick and green.

Just then the captain's voice came out over the speaker

'ladies and gentlemen thank you for choosing to fly with American Airlines today, we will be landing in approximately 10 minutes time, local time is currently 17.45 hours and the weather is cold and wet, but this is Seattle, so it's quite the norm round here! I hope you have a safe onward journey and a pleasant stay in the North West, a place I'm proud to call Home!'

Home, Meredith thought, would she ever be able to consider this home?


	2. Chapter 2 Where her family now

**Chapter 2 – Where her family now**

**Present day**

Meredith set off to collect the rest of her luggage, clasping her small holdall to her side, knowing it held the two most important and most cherished memories that she could have brought with her to Seattle, his t shirt and their wedding photograph. She smiled to herself as she thought of their fights over the famous Dartmouth t shirt, the first time he had brought it home she had claimed it as her own, would wander round the house in it, and whenever he wasn't near she would wear it to make herself close to him. Funny now how it had never actually been his, she thought back he probably wore it a handful of times compared to Meredith's thousands of times but it still made her feel close to him, and when she had to say goodbye to so many memories this was one she just couldn't let go of, this was part of them, it was a good memory.

As she carried on walking towards the baggage claim, she allowed her fingers to move to her wedding ring, she spun it round on her finger, it was loose these days, she had lost weight, she knew she had, and it was a battle to keep the ring on her finger somedays but she couldn't take it off, she couldn't...she didn't have to...she would always love him and the ring would remain, forever and more...

''Meredith...MER...MEREDITH WORTHINGTON...'' Mer heard the cry from the far side of arrivals and as she looked up her eyes met with her best friend, and a tiny smile fell across her face, Cristina...her rock, no one apart from Cristina (and William) knew Meredith like Cristina did! In fact at times Meredith was convinced that she knew her better than herself.

Meredith dropped the luggage she had been struggling with and found herself running towards Cristina, the two best friends embraced as if they hadn't seen each other for some time, when in reality it had only been a few short weeks.

'Come on we need to get out of here.' Cristina ordered, 'Let's eat'

'Cant we just...I'm not...hungry' Meredith replied

'I can see that, your disappearing before my eyes so if you think I'm going to let you hide in my spare room for the evening then your very much mistaken when the pizza in my neighbourhood is to die for...

Mer looked up with a start and as soon as the words were out of her mouth Cristina realised her mistake

'Oh Mer I'm sorry, so sorry I didn't mean...'' Cristina continued to apologise as she pulled Meredith into her arms.

Meredith couldn't believe how a few little words had affected her, but as soon as she heard them she felt like her heart had been ripped out once more, she collapsed into Cristina's arms and sobbed uncontrollably whilst Cristina soothed her back.

After what seemed like an eternity, Meredith lifted her head up off Cristina's now wet t shirt, and smiled at her best friend. 'I'm sorry, it's just so hard, and he should be...what if I've made a terrible mistake coming here? This isn't my home, this isn't my life, and this isn't how it was supposed to be.'

'Mer you can make this your home, if you try, and no matter where you live or who you are with no one can ever, ever take away your memories, they are yours forever' cristina whispered into Meredith's hair as she gave her friend one more hug

'Forever and more...' Meredith mumbled back.

'Come on lets go, Alex will be cursing us and probably getting a parking ticket as we speak.'

Cristina collected the luggage left abandoned on the airport floor, threw it all onto a trolley and the two best friends made their way towards the exit.

As they crossed the car park Meredith could see Alex getting out of the driver's side and heading their way, a big smile upon his face, relieved to see Meredith in one piece, and relieved to see her here, in front of him, in his city

'Hey' he smiled 'where the rest of you?'

'You Eating for two Karev?' Meredith joked back patting his stomach insinuating that Alex had gained a few pounds!

Alex faked shock as he pulled Meredith into a bear hug, relieved to see she was in one piece, but concerned too at how skinny she felt, Meredith was always tiny, but this, this was a whole different ball game. Alex locked eyes with Cristina and he knew then she had the same fears.

Meredith was here in front of them both, but just how much had she left behind?

As they all piled into the car, Cristina deciding to ride in the back with Meredith and act as tour guide

'to the left look, that's the space needle and over there in the distance if you look real close you can see the forest up on Bainbridge island and just before that there's the ferry terminal that we can...

'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'

'Whoa when did we swap Mer for a trucker' Alex joked from the front. 'She could wake the...'

'Alex!' Cristina shouted as she reached forward and hit him on the arm

'Crap, I didn't mean to, it's so hard' Alex said apologetically

'It's ok she didn't hear you she's dead to the world'

'Cristina!'

'Crap! This is going to be harder than we thought, we are really going to have to watch what we say, she is fragile, we can't break her anymore' Cristina said as she let her hand run over Meredith's hair and move it away from her face to stop it tickling her.

'She needs us, where her family now.'


	3. Chapter 3 the fourth tequila

**Chapter 3 – The Fourth Tequila?**

Meredith looked around Cristina's spare room, her home for the next two weeks till her house was ready, the bed was large, practically took over the whole room, the wardrobe stood, with one door permanently open, housed a few clothes that Meredith had brought with her, and the tiny chest of drawers held a few personal items and products that she occasionally used. The truth was there wasn't really anything in this room, that made her feel at home, she'd had to leave so much behind that she was even beginning to miss the little things that made her feel like she belonged, she thought of the clothes, appliances, even the ornaments that had gone to charity or into storage back East, she thought of the day she had to decide what was entirely necessary...and what wasn't...and what would just be easier to buy again...so here she was in her best friends spare room, with very little things that made her Meredith and to top it all off the thought of living alone scared the hell out of her. She hadn't been alone, ever, apart from the last few months and they had been hell. When she was in the hospital, William was always there, so on a night she could sneak in to him and he would reassure her everything would be ok...

1 Year Ago

Meredith opened the door quietly and peered inside, there he was fast asleep, curled up on his side, sleeping peacefully, looking like he didn't have a care in the world. He had had an exhausting day, she knew that and he would be up again at 5 when pre-rounds started but she couldn't go home, not without him, so she kicked off her sneakers and carefully climbed into bed with him, sliding onto her side and moulding into the space along the side of his body. Instinctively he knew she was there, he didn't wake but his arms enveloped around her and pulled her in close, and she smiled to herself as he whispered I love you into her ear before his soft snores gently filled the room.

Meredith lay there a few more minutes before she turned so gently and placed her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat, forever and more she thought to herself, we have forever and more...

'Meredith, Mer.' She could hear his voice as she began to stir in his arms, 'hey beautiful, you need to get up, pre rounds start in ten minutes.' He explained as he kissed her and smiled as she let the kiss intensify and his arms pulled her in even tighter.

'I'm off this morning, I don't have pre-rounds,' she explained as she nestled into his side, he let his hands move over her hair, and along her cheeks, 'then you should have gone home and slept Mer, you need a good night's sleep.'

'I couldn't, I can't, not without you' she whispered

'But Mer I've been here for 6 weeks...' William shook his head in disbelief and worry, his wife was running herself into the ground and he was helpless in stopping it.

'Like I said I can't sleep without you' she spoke softly as she tried to keep the inevitable tears at bay

'Mer...Have you been home?' William asked and Meredith could hear the concern in his voice

'Yeah...I went...the other day...you know...when you were watching the Basketball with Dan.'

'Mer?'

Meredith didn't answer as she wrung her hands together

'Mer, that was 4 weeks ago, the season finished 4 weeks ago'

Meredith kept her head down and felt the first tears fall as she felt Williams hands take hold of her face and their green eyes met.

'Have you been here since then?'

Meredith looked him in the eye, pleading with him to stop asking

'Don't play games with me Meredith Elizabeth Worthington, have you been home?'

Meredith looked down at the floor and knew her emotions were taking over her again

'Meredith...Mer have you been home in the last 4 weeks?'

'No' she whispered so softly he hardly even heard the confession

'But how? You haven't stayed here every night' he asked as he encompassed her body with his own frail arms

'I have...'

'What...how...'

I sneak in when your asleep, sometimes into the bed, sometimes just in the chair, sometimes just for a few minutes and then I stalk the ER for new cases, get more OR hours, do SCUT...anything to keep myself busy really' Meredith began to sob, she couldn't hold any more tears back, her shoulders began to shake and she gave in to the emotions that her body was holding on to.

'Mer baby you need to go home' William said softly as he ran his hands over her back to soothe her as she tried to calm down.

'My home is where ever you are and right now that's here! This is my home, this room with you; I don't want to be anywhere apart from right here with you'

We will be together forever Mer, forever and more... 'William promised as he played with his wedding ring thinking of the inscription inside his own ring and the matching words inside hers.

Forever...and more...

**PRESENT DAY**

Meredith awoke with a scream, she felt the darkness surrounding her in the room and she instinctively put her hand out to the other side of the bed, forgetting for a split second that he wouldn't be there.

Reality slowly dawned on her, he wasn't here, this wasn't her bed, and this wasn't her home...

She wrapped her arms around her knees and held herself tightly in the bed as she slowly rocked forwards and backwards trying to put the fear and sorrow out of her mind just for a few moments.

She slowly climbed out of bed, turned on the light and settled herself in the arm chair in the corner of the room, as she walked past the bed side table she picked up the photograph of her and William's wedding day ran her fingers over the glass and carefully removed the back of the frame.

This was slowly turning into her ritual, whenever she couldn't sleep, whenever she missed him just that little bit more then the day before, when ever her heart ached so so much that she thought it might actually break some more she would open the back of the frame, read his words and imagine him saying them to her over and over again.

This felt like a little bit of William was still with her, would always be with her.

She let a small smile spread over her face as she remembered the day, sometime after, when she had found his letter, hidden under the tequila bottle, the one place he knew at some point she would look! With everything that was going on William knew his wife and knew there was no greater place to put it. This way she could remember and drink at the same time, and have a shot for him!

_My beautiful Meredith_

_ If you are reading this then I know you must be hurting, and you are about to sink perhaps your fourth tequila? Let me guess, you headed to the liquor cabinet, poured a shot without noticing the letter? Then as you went back for more, it caught your eye? You spent the last couple of shots staring at it, wondering what was inside, and then finally with a fourth for Dutch courage, you opened it...I'm close baby, I know I am, I know you so well! _

_I have thought about writing this letter for such a long time, since we first found out, but I put it off over and over again, with every piece of good news we got I began to think I may never have to even write it! But things don't always go to plan and as I write this I know that my time left with you is short..._

_I love you Meredith Worthington, you have made my world complete, I may not have had the chance to grow old with you but the years we have had together have been without doubt the best years of my life, I would rather have had this short, perfect time together then no time at all..._

She read on down the letter, the tears flowing and the words becoming blurred as she got to the last lines, the line she almost wished wasn't there

_I don't want you to be alone, when it happens, I don't want it to be just you..._

_I will love you forever and more Meredith, forever and more. Xxxxxx_


	4. Chapter 4 alex comes too

**Chapter 4 – Alex comes too**

_Two weeks later_

Meredith had spent the last 2 weeks barely existing, she had rarely left her room, had taken to eating in her room (if she was hungry) when Cristina and Alex where in work and had spent hours rereading the letter from William in a desperate attempt to remain close to him.

His Mom rang at least once a day, she was fond of Meredith and found solace in speaking to her...but Meredith did find her hard work, as she dodged around the subject of her son, and bombarded her with questions of her new surroundings. Meredith knew she meant well, she was adorable, really, but it was hard to help someone else deal with their grief when she had no clue how to deal with her own.

'Mer...Mer...Meredith' Cristina bawled up the stairs trying to get her friends attention, and failing...

Ignoring Cristina's call, Meredith sat on the bed, that she had almost got comfortable in these last 2 weeks, and breathed a heavy sigh...tomorrow her 'house' would be ready, she would move out of Cristina's and into this overly big house that had been one of the few things available when she first decided a clean break to Seattle was needed. Everyone had said it was a good idea, a new place, a new city, a new start...but now the day loomed like a dark thunder cloud casting its evil shadows over the land!

Meredith's thoughts were interrupted as Cristina burst through the door and Meredith jumped with the shock...

.'Crap, don't you knock Cristina, you scared me.' Meredith exhaled deeply as she placed her wedding photograph back onto the bedside table beside her

'Sorry, I was calling you, I didn't know if you were home.' Cristina replied, her eyes falling on the photograph as Meredith straightened it so she could see it from where she was sitting.

'Home...' Meredith couldn't finish the sentence as a lump formed in her throat and the tears threatened to fall, instantly Cristina was next to her on the bed and scooped her up as best as she could into her arms and let her cry.

'Sssshhh, don't cry Mer, you can do this, we can do this, you can get through all of this, I know it.' Cristina said reassuringly

'I...I...its...I...cant...' Meredith struggled to finish her sentence as Cristina took her face in her hands looked into her best friends eyes

'Please talk to me Mer, there is no judging here, I'm your person, no matter if you've said it all before.' Cristina wiped the tears from Meredith's face as she began to play with the wedding ring, twisting the band round and round in circles, something Cristina had noticed that Meredith did a lot.

Meredith took a deep breath and new that Cristina meant every word...

'Home, home is supposed to be where the people you love are, when you have worked a 100 hour week you go home to the people you love and they make everything better, they make every little thing that ruined your day disappear, because they love you and they are your home. Tomorrow I'm supposed to move into a new home, just like that, a new home with no memories; no personal things that make me, me, and more importantly no one to share it with! 4 bedrooms, 2 studies and 3 bathrooms – all for me! How am I going to want to go home when there is no one there who loves me, waiting for me after a hellish day in work?'

Meredith took a deep breath before continuing.

'Instead I'm going to go to a house at 3 in the morning, freezing, aching, lonely and climb into an empty cold bed with no one to talk to, hold me, make me feel better, wearing a wedding ring that is practically falling off my finger, and then a few short hours later when the alarm sounds and rounds have arrived, I'm going to walk downstairs, to an empty kitchen, no coffee already on the go, no pancakes bubbling away, no debates over the latest news in the paper...it's just going to be me.'

Meredith looked up, her eyes meeting with Cristina's once again, trying to read what Cristina was thinking

'That's not a home Cristina, it's not a home.'

Cristina looked at Meredith in disbelief, not disbelief for what she was saying, but an amazed disbelief that Meredith was opening up to her, it had taken a while, but right now, in this moment Meredith was making a few small steps in dealing with her grief, and in a crazy kind of way, Cristina was proud.

'You sure didn't forget how to ramble Mer' Cristina chuckled trying to lighten the mood a little but soon stopped as she saw the seriousness remain on Meredith's face.

'It's not a joke Cristina' Meredith sobbed

'I know I'm sorry, I wish they had a smaller place for you, I really do, it seems crazy, you get this huge house to roam around in, where as when I was looking I ended up in this match box of a house with hardly enough room to even swing a cat in...

'Move in with me' Meredith interrupted as she sat up on the bed and held onto Cristina's hands,

'You said it yourself this place is tiny, I've got all these rooms, all this space to move into, come with me, move in with me...'

Cristina looked up and realised Meredith was serious, she really wanted to do this. Cristina looked around the small room that Meredith has lived in the last 2 weeks and began to realise something, Meredith was right, a home had people, and things and memories, and love. As much as she had enjoyed living here, she realised that really this house meant nothing to her, it wasn't a home, after all she was hardly ever here, for her the hospital was her home, her sanctuary.

A small smile spread across her face and Meredith tried to work out what Cristina was thinking

'This isn't my home' Cristina began

Meredith looked on confused

'You're right; a home needs people, memories, love...none of that is here, not really...'

'So what are you saying Cristina.

'I'm saying, yes, I'll move in with you...but I'm keeping this house too, ill rent it out or something'

Meredith leapt across the bed and threw her arms back around her best friend

'Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

And for the first time in a long time Cristina saw what could be a genuine smile on Meredith's face

'I just have one condition' Cristina said with a mischievous grin on her face

'Anything'

'Alex comes too, he is to proud to admit it Mer, but I think he is living in his car! But if you ask him, how will he be able to say no! This way I get to keep an eye on the two people I care about most in the world.'

'But Mer...'

'Yeah'

'You get that I'm untidy right? You have seen this place; I'm hard work...no yelling ok...'

'I've asked you now, I'm not going to go back on it...but you will try...won't you?'

'Urm, yeah...trust me...' she laughed

Meredith agreed straight away, and as they hugged once more, Meredith began to wonder where the hard faced, unemotional cardio resident had gone...Cristina seemed...human...and she was exactly the kind of person Meredith needed even if she was as untidy as a spotty, hormonal teenager!


	5. Chapter 5 Hiccup

**Chapter 5 – hiccup**

Meredith, Cristina and Alex sat on the floor, in what would be their living room, in their new house. A pizza box sat in the middle of the three friends, a bottle of red wine almost empty to the side of Cristina, multiple bottles of beer now empty next to Alex, and of course a tequila bottle attached to Meredith's hand as she took a few more sips.

'I can't believe they forgot.' Alex laughed, 'of all the things they forgot to deliver...'

'Well if it isn't here tomorrow I'll be going round and kicking their sorry arses as they carry it across town on their shoulders.' Cristina said with a glint in her eye that showed she wasn't joking.

'I'll help...' Meredith replied as she hiccupped and all three friends began to laugh uncontrollably,

'You'll help me kick their arses or them carry the couch...' Cristina replied quickly

'Both!' Meredith snorted as she hiccupped again, and raised her tequila bottle up to Cristina's wine glass as she clinked the glasses a little too hard and red wine spilt all over Cristina!

'Mer!'

'Sorry' Meredith giggled as she fell back onto the floor, holding her stomach as she laughed so hard.

'I can't believe we have no couch, and the night before Meredith starts work we have to have a tequila party on the floor, and I'm wearing more red wine than I've drank.' Cristina snorted as the red wine crept over her shirt...

'Dude you look like you've been shot!' Alex sniggered

'Ass' Cristina retaliated as she threw a cushion at his head!

Alex moved his beer out of the way quickly as the cushion landed on his lap 'You know, this floor is comfier then the back seat of my car.' Alex offered to the group 'so it's not all bad!'

Meredith and Cristina looked at each other and laughed, they still couldn't believe that Alex had actually been living out of his car for the last few months! Too proud to tell anyone he had been kicked out after his rent had almost doubled for no reason!

Meredith felt Cristina's hand fit inside her own, and give a gentle squeeze, even through all the laughter and good times the friends where trying to create, Cristina always made sure Mer was ok, a gentle squeeze back ensured Cristina knew at this moment, she was.

Meredith went to stand up to grab the cushion to sit on, but as she did so she stumbled and Alex quickly grabbed her and stopped her from hitting the floor.

'One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!' he snorted and then stared in horror at his cheesiness!

'Not only was that cheesy Alex, but soooo inaccurate' Meredith giggled

'I could have 4 shots for breakfast and still get through my day!'

'Mer's right Alex, she has probably had about 34 shots by now...' Cristina replied as she eyed the tequila bottle beside Meredith and realised that over half had gone 'and she is proving she can drink you under the table...or floor...or whatever.'

'well as the man of the house, I'm making the decision that it's time for bed, Mer can hardly stand, your...still...far too nice to the people around you...that you're actually scaring me now' Alex sniggered and caught Meredith's eye, with a wink.

Cristina slapped Alex across the head, not to hard just hard enough to make a point...'I don't have to be nice Karev...' as she flicked the back of his head again...

Alex got up and ran out of the room laughing away, grateful to have a place he could call home, with his two best friends, and as he walked up the stairs he looked back at the living room, to see a smile still on Meredith's face and he thought to himself that for the first time, in a long time, maybe she could come through this.

Brrrrrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrrrr!

Meredith shot up in bed in a panic, she couldn't decide if the banging in her head was tequila induced, or the alarm clock going crazy over the bedside table.

Her eyes focussed on the clock, she rubbed her eyes twice, praying that there had been some mistake...

4.53am flashed before her

Time to get up, time to start a new job, finish her residency...make William proud.

When Cristina had suggested transferring to Seattle Grace almost 2 months earlier, Meredith had initially laughed off the suggestion, but as the days got longer without William it slowly began to surface as perhaps the only option.

She couldn't be at Mass Gen any more, there were too many dreadful and haunting memories, she needed a break, a clean break and after days of persuasion, Meredith had finally spoke to Richard Webber, the chief at Seattle Grace and made the appropriate plans.

Cristina and Alex had helped out in Seattle, making sure Richard was aware of Meredith's situation and also reiterating Meredith's wishes. She asked them to ensure that no one else knew, not till she was ready or felt comfortable to share that sort of information with anyone else.

As Meredith walked down the stairs, rubbing her eyes, trying to get some focus for her first day, she smelt the familiar aroma of good coffee and as she walked into the Kitchen, Alex was overseeing the pancake making, cursing as he worried that it was stuck to the bottom of the pan, and Cristina was talking to herself about the latest discovery in the medical world according to the paper! Meredith chuckled to herself as she picked up the coffee pot and poured herself a big cupful, strong and black to help her have a chance of staying awake for the rest of the day.

'Morning' she said as she sat down and forked a piece of pancake off Cristina's plate.

'Huh, that was mine'

'Too late!' Meredith giggled

'You're very happy this morning to say that it's your first day working with us AND living with us' Alex announced as he set more pancakes down on the table.

'I'm trying not to worry about today, today will bring whatever it brings and I'll deal with it tonight and drown it in tequila if I need to, but now right at this moment, you two couldn't be any more perfect, you know that right?' Meredith smiled at her two best friends as Alex laughed at Cristina

'Busted, so busted, I knew she would crack onto your plan' Alex laughed

'Plan, what plan? Cristina protested,

'It's ok Cristina, give it up! I remember what I told you, I might have rambled like never before, but I remember what I said, about what makes a home, and I just need you two to know that I don't nowhere I'd be without you both, I love you both so much'

The friends stood up and embraced each other, no more words where needed, their friendship was strong, as the hug lengthened Cristina and Alex shared a look that said 'watch out for her today'...they nodded at each other and their eyes made a pact to be Meredith's shadow, for as long as it took.

The three friends decided to drive in together, they all had the same shift today – Cristina had asked Richard a few weeks ago to keep them on similar shifts, at least initially till Meredith found her feet, and Richard had agreed to help as best as he could, he had promised at least one of them would be on the same shift as Mer, daily, and gone the extra mile to ensure that both of them today could be with her! He had never met Meredith but he felt like he already knew her from the way her friends spoke about her, and he was human after all, he realised she needed this to be as easy and as smooth as possible.

'I can't wait to cut again' Meredith said boldly in the car as the pulled into the parking lot, 'I hope they don't 'new girl' track me and have me doing SCUT all day! I just need throwing in at the deep end, find my feet running you know!'

Alex parked up the car and ran round to open the doors for Cristina and Meredith

'Are you sick?' Cristina asked, reaching up pretending to take Alex's temperature

'Oh evil cristina is back, I knew she wasn't gone forever' Alex quickly replied

'I just thought I'd be a gentleman and help this day start in a good way'

'Thanks Alex' Meredith smiled as she leant up and kissed him on the cheek.

Alex put his arm around Meredith's shoulder as he walked her towards the main entrance giving her the Karev guide to surgery at Seattle Grace! Meredith couldn't help but laugh as he explained about some of her colleague's ailments and weak spots and couldn't wait to put faces to all the names he was throwing her way.

From the cat walk above their heads, crystal, clear blue eyes scanned the entrance to try and place the giggle, his ears pricked up as he heard an infectious laugh echoing around the foyer, his eyes scanned the faces before his gaze fell upon the most beautiful women he had ever laid eyes on... dark blonde hair flowing freely over her shoulders, a petite, tiny little frame, beautiful eyes that sparkled as she smiled, he couldn't quite make out the colour, and the smile, the giggle, he couldn't help but think to himself how he would love to listen to that all day...and Alex Karev the cocky resident with whom he had many run ins with, had his arm around her...

He stayed there a few more minutes, looking down on Karev and this mystery women, he watched them interact, a quick effortless hug, no kiss, no lingering look, typical he thought, Karev gets the beautiful women, shows her little affection AND gets laid every night by her...what an ass! His eyes followed Cristina Yang and mcbeautiful up the stairs, his eyes never leaving the two women, oblivious to everyone around them, deep in conversation, obviously such great friends, he just couldn't understand how Karev's girlfriend and best friend could be so inseparable so quickly? It was only 3 days ago since he had seen him come out of an on call room with some nurse or other...something here just didn't quite add up.

'I see you have spotted our new resident Shepherd.' Richard said as he approached Derek.

Derek jumped, almost feeling embarrassed wondering if the chief had seen the longing looks he had been casting her way.

'Resident?' Derek asked innocently,

'Yeah a transfer from Mass Gen, exceptional references, surgical royalty in her blood'

Derek looked over to where Richard was looking and realised at once that he was talking about the women with Cristina.

'Neuro too, so I assume she will be working under you a lot Shepherd, but do me a favour, look out for her, none of this god complex attitude you like to carry around with you.'

'God complex? Me? Derek feigned innocence!

'Neuro, interesting' Derek couldn't help but let the smile spread across his face... as he thought to himself...She can definitely work under me; over me...he smirked and tried to clear the thought from his mind.

'Just one more thing, you might end up seeing more of karev and yang too, if Meredith is on your service, then one of them two properly will be too, don't ask any questions why, not yet, just go with it ok?'

'Meredith...' Derek thought to himself 'urm yeah...ok, but please if it has to be one of them, make it Yang, I'm not having the love struck residents making goo eyes at each other all day...

Richard cut Derek off in an instant 'there will be none of that I assure you.'

'This is Karev; he has obviously already hooked up with...'

'No Derek, just no, take my word for it when I say there is nothing going on between Karev and Meredith, nothing.'

Derek's eyes met the chiefs, and he could see that the Chief was serious, but also that there was more to this whole story then he was being told, and at some point he would find out!


	6. Chapter 6 you need this

Chapter 6 – you need this

Cristina showed Meredith which cubby to take; Alex handed over her lab coat and ID pass and straightened her collar as she put it on. Meredith smiled at her two friends and looked to the door as it burst open and a short, dark haired women shouted through the lounge before closing the door behind her again. 'Yang, Karev do we pay you to stand around looking pretty or are you actually going to save some lives today?'

Meredith looked up in surprise that such a loud, domineering voice could come from someone so...short! Alex saw the look on Meredith's face and answered the question before she could even say it.

'and that's the Nazi' he chuckled, 'Bailey, Chief Resident, gives every attending in this hospital a run for their money, master general surgeon, and I think if you asked the chief honestly, he would probably agree with the fact that she more or less runs this place!'

'And she is still a resident?' Meredith asked

'Chief Resident and she won't let you forget it...she's like me in another 5 years!' Cristina replied

'But take it from me, she acts all tough but she's human too, she's one of the good guys, once you get past the Nazi front.' Alex reassured.

Meredith looked towards the door that was now closed, the door that led the way to new beginnings, to a new adventure, she closed her eyes for a second and imagined Williams face before her, smiling, encouraging her to move on, to enjoy the challenge. This had been happening more and more, the backs of her eye lids where like TV screens stuck to the William channel, whenever she needed him, he was there.

'Thank goodness for memories' Meredith whispered to herself

'What?' Cristina and Alex asked at the same time

'Oh nothing sorry, miles away for a second.'

With a new surge of determination, Meredith straightened her shoulders, lifted her head high, threw her hair back in a pony tail and headed for the door. She knew she had to prove herself, and prove herself she would. Work was her life now, surgery was her medicine and she planned to prove to everyone, including herself what a dam good surgeon she was.

As the three friends stood at the nurses' station waiting for Bailey, Meredith looked around to check out her new surroundings, Seattle Grace was bigger than Mass Gen and that had taken her by surprise, she expected small, compact, slow even, but then she remembered that that would never have been good enough for Cristina, Cristina needed intense, nonstop, excitement, so Seattle must have that, somewhere!

'Karev you and your poor set of excuse interns are in gynie today, go play with the vajayjays...enjoy' Bailey bellowed across the corridor. Alex's heart sank...that meant dealing with Addison all day...his shoulders dropped and Meredith noticed the change in his stance at once as he shuffled off down the corridor.

'Worthington...nice to meet you at last, I've heard a lot about you, neuro's up and coming star if Cristina is to be believed.' Bailey offered her hand to Meredith, and even though this took her by surprise, she offered her own hand on return and smiled back.

'Nice to meet you too, Cristina and Alex have been telling me all about you.'

'Oh I bet they have, don't believe anything they say, it's all lies, believe me. One rule to remember here, I know everything' and with that Bailey laughed and walked off towards the ER.

'Everything...?' Meredith mouthed towards Cristina, worried that Bailey knew about the situation then she was supposed to.

Cristina just shook her head and quietly whispered back...'everything but that Mer, I promised.'

Meredith sighed in relief, she didn't want anyone to know, she didn't need sympathy looks, or an easy ride and she wanted to succeed for herself not because people felt sorry for her! She had to prove to herself that she could do this, and people knowing her past would just prevent that from happening, or that was what she had convinced herself anyway.

'Where do you want us?' Cristina called after Bailey who had already reached the elevator door at the end of the corridor. Bailey turned and sniggered...'since you two are apparently the Chiefs adopted Siamese twins and not allowed to leave each other's side for one reason or another then there is only one place I can use you both...SCUT!'

'What...' Cristina felt her heart sink, she was the best cardio resident to ever walk these halls, and she was on scut, scut, urgh even the word made her feel inadequate!

'Scut? Seriously...SCUT is for...'

'Don't finish that sentence Yang...I could make it rectal exams...' Bailey smirked.

Before Meredith knew what was happening she was been dragged down the corridor

'RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN' Cristina yelled!

'That's a no to rectals then I guess' Bailey laughed to herself as the elevator door opened and as she stepped inside she giggled some more as she watched Meredith trying to keep up with Cristina sprinting down the corridor...away from the prospect of rectal exams!

'Sorry' Meredith mumbled as she was dragged towards the ER.

'What for?'

Cristina linked Meredith's arm and slowed to walk her towards the ever increasing line of suturing, taping and cleaning up that needed to be done.

'I'm new girl tracked, and you have been brought along for the ride'

'It's ok I get to stay with you, ill cope'

'You know I really don't need a shadow Cristina, you can talk to Bailey, see if you can be released from sidekick duty?'

'I know, but today I get to see what you can do, check out the competition, compare stitches, see how much better I am than you already...' Cristina replied with a definite hint of fight in her voice.

'So you want to learn from the best Cristina?' Meredith smiled with a cheeky glint in her eye

'You wish Mer...You wish!'

The morning passed surprisingly quickly, Meredith sutured heads, elbows, knees and was actually enjoying herself, just to be busy and practicing some kind of medicine again actually felt great, interns where standing around waiting for tasks but Meredith felt like a kid in a sweet shop, she wanted it all, and she jumped up first to every new case that came through the ER door.

A few hours later she sat in the cafeteria waiting for Cristina and Alex, staring into her coffee cup, grateful of the caffeine hit it was giving her.

Two trays hit the table and startled Meredith and as she jumped the remnants of her coffee splashed up and onto her scrub pants.

'Earth to Meredith'

She looked up and smiled, 'sorry was miles away then, I'm exhausted' she replied as she tried to wipe the coffee stain spreading across her pants.

'Well if you will act like super woman in the pit then what do you expect! You haven't even given anyone else a chance down there Mer, you're doing the work of an intern...and enjoying it!' Cristina clarified, ensuring Alex realised just how hard Meredith was working.

Alex eyes the coffee cup in her hands, 'Coffee? Just coffee? Coffee is no good for you' Alex stated, 'let me get you a sandwich...Turkey? Tuna? Salad?'

'Oh, no, coffee is...urm...dessert...I ate already I was starving, couldn't wait' Meredith stuttered over her words as she put her head down to avoid eye contact with her friends, she really was worn out and let her head rest onto her arms on the table.

Alex and Cristina shared a look, but knew not to push it, not today.

'So I thought I'd treat us to food at Joes tonight, let you check out the nightlife of the best bar across the street?' Alex said with a smile, Cristina nodded her head and smiled back at Alex before mouthing the words 'thank you' over Meredith's head.

'Great idea, tequila, burgers, and the chance to see Alex get knocked back by at least 5 women – sounds like a wonderful evening' Cristina said, looking at Meredith for a response.

'oh I don't know, I don't think I'm quite ready...I mean I'm going to be tired, I'm exhausted now, I thought I'd just, you know...sleep.'

'Oh come on Mer, we need this...you need this...besides we can take bets on how many of the girls actually slap Alex in the process of turning down his sorry ass' Cristina held her friends hand and was relieved to see a small nod of agreement.

'8 it is then, we can go straight from here...and no one will be slapping me or turning me down...tonight I belong to you two...I won't even look at any other women in there...unless the leggy blonde from billing turns up because then,...' Alex was interrupted by his pager and Meredith could tell from his body language it was this Madison woman he obviously wasn't happy working with, and she couldn't help but wonder why.

'Madison again?' Meredith asked

'Madison?' Alex replied?

'This morning you said... Madison, gynie...?' Meredith tried to explain

'Oh Addison Mer... Addison Forbes Montgomery, queen bitch, thinks she owns the place, and currently worse than ever due to the fact her hot shot neuro husband has started divorce proceedings as he caught her busy with an intern in the on call room!'

'Neuro?' Meredith asked, her ears pricking up at the sound of one of her favourite words.

'Seriously Mer he tells you the bitch was screwing around behind her husband's back, and all you heard was neuro? Here I was thinking cardio was the biggest drug in this place...'

'I love neuro' she chuckled, 'I'm a neuro whore! So hot shot neuro god hmmmm does he work in the other hospital across town?'

'No, he is here too, you will probably meet him soon, in fact if you see anyone walking around acting like God, then yeah that's him! Too confident in his own ability if you ask me!' Alex stated

'It pays to believe in yourself' Meredith retaliated 'especially where Brains are concerned...I mean they control...EVERYTHING'

'Already jumping to his defence and you haven't even met him yet! I'll ask you again after he has you writing his post op notes till 3 in the morning, then rewriting them because he can't read the fourth sentence down!' Cristina sniggered

'Got nothing better to do anyway...' Meredith sighed as she got up from the table and turned to speak to her friends 'I'll meet you back down in the ER Cristina, I just need to make a quick call, promised William's mom I'd let her know how day one was going, won't be long'

Before she had chance to walk away Alex jumped up and gave her a quick hug and ruffled her hair before whispering in her ear 'keep going Mer, I'm proud of you'

Meredith looked up and let her eyes meet Alex's and even without words he knew how grateful she was of his words. She gave a small smile and walked off.

Across the cafeteria, oblivious to the three stooges (as he had now nicknamed them) knowledge, every move was being observed.

He had spotted her first, walking in alone, to the coffee machine, then nursing the same cup for over 15 minutes before her friends walked in, he was about to introduce himself when he had spotted Karev, so he thought better of it, instead he sat back and watched, trying to make some sense of the situation, and if he was being honest, she was mesmerising to watch. She kept fiddling with something in her pocket, and constantly checking the time on her watch, but even these small actions had him enchanted.

He watched as Karev and Yang threw their trays down next to her, he was shocked at her reaction as he saw her jump in shock at their sudden arrival. He saw them deep in conversation and he couldn't help but notice the looks Karev and Yang shared between themselves, worry, he could see that, they were definitely worried.

As she got up from the table he smiled as more of her beautiful body came into view, but he also noticed how exhausted she looked, her shoulders sagged, the smile on her face was too forced, and he found himself even more curious to what was going on.

He wasn't expecting what he saw next, Karev was up, playing with her hair, nuzzling into her neck, by her ear and he saw a genuine smile creep over her face for a few moments.

He sat back in his chair confused, Richard had been adamant nothing was going on between them, from what he understood from his earlier conversation with him, Meredith was very much single, it didn't sound like there was anyone on the scene, so why, why did he keep witnessing these scenes between Karev and Meredith...?


	7. Chapter 7 I cant even say it

**Chapter 7 – I can't even say it**

Derek was paged to the pit a few hours later and saw Yang's name flashing across his screen. He couldn't help but smile to himself, the thought of being introduced to Meredith filled his heart with a surprising joy. He shook his head to himself, he hadn't even been formally introduced, he had seen her twice, heard her giggle once, and he was hooked!

'Katie Bryce, 17, admitted with grand mal seizures, started during a beauty pageant practice earlier this morning, transferred from across town, the parents want the best, they asked for you.' Yang rolled her eyes and filled him in quickly as he entered the pit, he was listening of course, but his eyes skimmed the room too, hoping for a quick glance of Meredith, but she didn't seem to be there

'Dr Shepherd, did you hear me, shall we get a CT? Yang asked urgently

'We? Yes, sorry, we need a CT, MRI, full blood work up...page me when the scans are up'

'Yes we, Dr Worthington and myself, we come as a pair today.'

'Dr Worthington?'

'Oh yeah sorry Meredith, my best friend, she's new, not new, not intern new, but new to Seattle Grace, she's the new resident'

'Worthington...urm...yeah both of you but get going quick, we don't have any time to waste. I'll be up in a few minutes'

'Meredith Worthington' he whispered to himself

'Mer...'

He heard Cristina shout across the ER and looked up as she appeared from behind a curtain, her hair tied up now so he had a perfect view of her face, her bone structure was just spectacular, and her eyes seemed to smile back at Cristina...

'CT come on lets go, got you some brains to look at' Cristina laughed

He saw the smile spread across her face as she excused herself from her patient and ran out of the ER with Yang.

He beamed to himself as he thought about the grin that had spread across her face, it lit her whole face up, the worry that had been there a few hours earlier had gone,...brains had cheered her up! He couldn't help but think how alike they were!

As he walked into the CT room he couldn't help but be disappointed as he saw Yang staring at the screen waiting for the scans to come up.

'What, no shadow?' he tried to make a joke, but really he was just interested in knowing where Meredith was, he still hadn't even said two words to her, and he was so intrigued to put a voice to the face and to that infectious giggle.

'Oh sorry Dr Shepherd, Mer...Sorry Dr Worthington will be right back; she went to ask the parents a couple of things that weren't in the notes.'

Derek beamed to himself and couldn't help but admire her for being so thorough in her approach to the case

'We needed a bit more information, so Mer...Sorry again...Dr Worthington offered to go down and speak to the parents, a bit more background to the day's events.'

'That's fine Dr Yang, and don't worry about calling your friend by her name, you are friends, right?'

Cristina looked up, Shepherd was being civil to her, initiating a conversation...smiling...

'Yeah we go way back, she's the person I'd call to help me drag a dead body across the floor, drive the getaway car if I robbed a bank...'

'She's your Mark?' Derek smiled

Cristina looked surprised at his response...'well...Yeah...when you put it like that, Meredith is my Mark.'

Just then the images started to appear on the screen, the black and white frames came into view and Katie Bryce's brain appeared before them.

'Nothing...' Derek said astounded

'What...nothing at all...no bleed?' Cristina asked

'See for yourself, no abnormal brain activity, there is no sign of a bleed in her frontal lobe, wow, wasn't expecting that.'

'The famous Dr Shepherd baffled...' Cristina chuckled to herself, a bit too loud as Derek sat up and gave her a look as if to warn her not to push her luck!

'Sorry, just a joke'

'I hate to admit it, but you just might be right, grand mal seizures point to a bleed, yet it's clear in front of us, that there is nothing...it's just so strange to think...'

Derek was interrupted as a sweet aroma filled his nostrils and distracted him from his conversation with Cristina, his head swung round to try and catch where the smell was coming from, it was some kind of flower, something light and fresh and enticing all at the same time...

Meredith swung into the room, her head buried in the file she had just taken notes in 'Man they can talk, pushy parents...Beauty queen since she was 5, made up like a freaking Barbie doll her whole fuc...' Meredith stopped in her tracks! She hadn't expected anyone to be in the CT room, no one but Cristina anyway and she blushed as she realised she had almost sworn in front of her superior, great!

' -Ing life?' Derek answered, smiling at Meredith.

And at once she relaxed, as she saw him smile over at her and she no longer wanted the world to swallow her up.

'Urm...yeah...Her whole life...sorry I didn't mean to be so rude...it just seems crazy to me that they pushed her...crap...there I go again...'

'No worries, here take a seat did you get any new information...I'm Dr Shepherd by the way...Derek...' Derek appeared confident and in control as he spoke, but on the inside his heart was racing and he was self conscious that she would be able to see it beating through his shirt!

Meredith looked up from what she was reading

'Sorry, I'm Dr Worthington...Meredith...'

'Nice to meet you Dr Worthington' Derek spoke softly and offered out his hand for Meredith to shake, and she did, warily at first, but genuinely touched by his politeness

Cristina looked on from the CT screen, and noticed the short interaction between the pair, and was surprised to see Derek acting...normal...

Derek's pager beeped and interrupted the introduction, he excused himself and said he would be right back

'What was that?' Cristina asked

'What was what?'

'That, the gooey eyes over mcdreamy...'

'What are you talking about, there were no gooey eyes thank you...how could you even joke...I'd never...' Meredith's voice broke as she tried to finish her sentence.

Cristina realised her mistake straight away, 'oh Mer I'm sorry, I was just trying to make a joke, crap, I didn't think, please, I'm sorry'

'It's ok, you don't have to pussy foot around me, I won't break, it's ok, it's ok...it's ok' Meredith sobbed 'it's just so ...so...'

Cristina pulled Meredith into her arms for a few minutes and let her sob, until she composed herself and moved away from Cristina

Outside the room Derek leaned on the wall, he hadn't meant to overhear, he was on his way back to order more tests but he had been alerted by Yang's apology coming from the room, she was really back tracking over something...but what? He couldn't get the sound of Meredith's broken voice out of his head, he had left just a few minutes earlier and everything had appeared fine, but now, as he rested his head on the window frame, just out of view of the CT door, all he could hear was Meredith's sobs, Cristina's soothing words and promises that everything would be ok. He had all these pieces of a puzzle that he knew made up Meredith but he had no clue how to put them all together, what was he missing?

As he heard the sobs subside, and their conversation return to Katie Bryce, he decided to re-enter the room.

'So Meredith...do you mind if I call you that...you said you had spoke to the parents did they give you any more information we need to know?' he looked up over to Meredith, he could see in an instant that she had been crying, her beautiful eyes looked puffier then before, and they still held the glaze of a the final few tears within them, but he couldn't help but notice even through the tears how striking her eyes were, and what a spectacular colour they were – green- a beautiful shade of green that glistened through the remainders of her tears...

At first she tried not to make eye contact, she didn't need her boss to know she has been upset, she didn't need anyone to know but Cristina, but he was talking directly to her, she would look rude if she didn't respond, so she raised her head, expecting to see the usual look of sympathy and pity, but instead she was met with a look of encouragement and genuine interest, the pools of blue sparkled at her and she instantly relaxed...there was something about his eyes...so deep...so ...

'Meredith?'

'Meredith?'

'Oh...crap...Sorry what where you saying Dr Shepherd?' Meredith blushed as she realised her response

'Derek is fine in here...'

Cristina looked up with a start; he was letting her call him Derek...

'...this was her fourth pageant this year, she came second last time, so she has been fitting in extra practice to clinch the title this time apparently...'

'Practice...practices what? How to walk in a straight line whilst not smudging her lipstick?' Cristina laughed.

Meredith smiled at Derek, a smile that didn't go unnoticed by Cristina.

'No not that...she has to have a talent...something to impress the judges, make her stand out from the rest...'

'Oh...like what? Derek asked wondering where Meredith was going with this.

'Well apparently Katie is an expert in the world of rhythmic gymnastics...I mean what is that...I can't even say it'

'Some crap with a ball and a ribbon...or something...' Cristina offered from the back of the room.

'How do you know that?' Meredith looked up surprised by Cristina's knowledge of the activity.

'No comment'

'Cristina Yang, little miss gymnast...who ever would have thought?' Derek snorted

'Really...Cristina...hahaha are you serious? Meredith and Derek couldn't help themselves as they began to laugh as both of them had their own mental image of Cristina running around with a ball in a leotard...

'Urgh, enough' Cristina demanded 'Ok its hilarious, I get it, but, enough, there is too much happy in here for my liking...there are more important things to worry about...like her!' Cristina's stalked out of the room and went towards the CT machine to reassure Katie and fill her in with a few details.

Meredith and Derek remained in the room and an awkward silence fell over the room before at the same time they both began to speak

'So she fell during her practice on Sunday...'

'So how are you liking Seattle Grace...'

'Oh sorry,' they both said again together as their eyes met for a few seconds longer than necessary.

'Did you just say she fell? Recently?'

'Yeah on Sunday night in rehearsal or something, caught her leg around the ribbon and fell on her ass, her mom said she was mortified, limped off the stage embarrassed...'

'Meredith...'

'She said Katie was refusing to go back out, moaning how her fat ankle was going to ruin her whole look...'

'Meredith...'

'But eventually they strapped it up and she went back out th...'

'Meredith stop...'

'What? Ok sorry, you asked for history, I'm giving you history' Meredith responded and Derek could hear the hurt in her voice

'No sorry you misunderstood...'

'No I understand just fine, Alex and Cristina where right, I'll go...

'Meredith, please, just listen...' he reached out and touched Meredith on the arm as she was about to walk out the door.

'Please Meredith...'

Meredith turned back round and looked at Derek, angry that he had cut her off

'If you would let me finish, what I was about to say was...I think you have cracked it'

'Wh – wh- Wh – what?'

'Katie fell during rhythmic gymnastics, her 'fat ankle' as you so politely put it was going to ruin her event.'

'Yeah her mom said...'

'Meredith you decided to go and get more information, you decided there was more to this, if the more in-depth CT shows what I think it's going to show – then you have just saved Katie Bryce's life...not bad for a day's work!'

'Aneurism' they both said together and returned to look at the screen as Derek reset the machine and their eyes remained fixed on the screen.

After what seemed like an eternity new pictures began to form on the screen and from next to him Derek heard the small gasp come from Meredith.

His grin spread slowly across his face as he tapped his finger on the screen

'Well I'll be dammed, it's tiny but it's there...'

He allowed himself to look up at Meredith, and was surprised to see her eyes didn't move from the screen as if she was deep in thought.

He knew it wasn't his place to ask, but he couldn't just do nothing, so instead, he gently laid his hand on her forearm and was relieved when she didn't pull her arm away.

'You did great work today...Scrub in Dr Worthington, see you in OR1...' and with that he got up and walked out of the room.

Meredith blinked tears away and closed her eyes, picturing William smiling at her instantly.

'I miss you...'


	8. Chapter 8 tequillas no good for you

**Chapter 8 – Tequilas no good for you**

It had been a long time since Meredith had such a surgery high, in fact if she was honest the last couple of years where nothing more than a blur when she tried to think of specific patients and cases, this was like discovering surgery all over again and it felt amazing...surgery was her life now...her priority...and it felt...wonderful.

As she scrubbed out, lost in thought, she didn't hear Derek approach the sink and she jumped as he began to speak

'Sorry I didn't mean to scare you'

'It's ok, sorry I was miles away, surgery high, it's been a long time since I felt like this, almost forgot what it felt like.' Meredith smiled

'you did great work today, questioning the parents, I know I completed most of the operation, but it was your determination that got us into the OR, you saved her life Meredith, I was at a loss to what it was.'

'it's just, you practice on cadavers, you think you have been in amazing surgeries...but today...wow...it's just great to be back.'

'Back?'

'Urm...Yeah...In the OR...Part of it...back in good surgeries you know?'

'Yeah...back...when was the last time...?'

Meredith looked up quick, she liked Derek, he seemed genuine but she couldn't carry on this conversation, not now.

'I'm sorry I really have to go, I promised Alex I'd meet him about an hour ago...he will think I've stood him ...sorry...but...thank you, for today, just, thank you.'

Derek couldn't help but feel disappointed at the mention of Alex's name but he tried to forget the feeling that was creeping over him as he thought to himself 'You don't get jealous, relax, you...do...not...get...jealous...'

'Dr Shepherd...?'

'Please its Derek...'

'Sorry... Derek...it was a pleasure working with you today.' She held out her hand to shake his hand, and he carefully moved his own hand forwards and took hers in his, he allowed his thumb to cares the top of her hand, and he couldn't help but notice that she didn't pull away and as they finally let their hands drop, and Meredith turned to walk out of the room, he could have sworn he saw her smile, and that in itself was enough to make him smile too.

As she approached her locker, she put her hand into the little tiny box that she kept there and got out her ring, she had taken it off for rounds earlier, it was too big now, she had finally admitted that to herself and she made a promise to herself that next day off she would take it to be fitted to her now incredibly skinny finger, she had thought about wearing it on a chain, close to her heart, but she couldn't do that, it belonged on her finger, so she would have it altered to fit her shrinking frame, it was easier than trying to pile the pounds back on!

Bailey had watched Meredith's surgery, she had pulled Cristina back to the pit, as she had wanted to see what Meredith could do, and as hard as it was to admit, she was impressed, and she could tell Derek was too...she just had to make sure it was by her surgical skills, and nothing else! Cristina passed Bailey on the way to the exit, tired after a long day in the ER

'Yang...'

'Yeah, did you want to pull me off another amazing surgery because I was just leaving..?'

'Yang! She is your friend; she needed that...more than you! Even you must see that? Please just pass a message on for me...Meredith...tell Meredith to take tomorrow off, she will wear herself out if she carries on with monster surgeries and being on her feet all day so soon after...she needs to come back into this slowly, no matter what she thinks...'

'What about me? Did you see how many sutures I did today, I feel like my fingers belong to someone else!'

'I'll see you at 6am, sharp... without a hangover!' Bailey laughed to herself as she walked away

'Great... Nazi one minute, mother freaking Theresa the next.' Cristina whispered to herself

'I heard that Yang...'

'Crap!' She headed for the door, running now, 'If I get rectals now...urgh' she muttered to herself.

Cristina headed off to Joes to meet Alex, grateful that Meredith still had to scrub out and join them, she had to talk to Alex without Meredith being there, as she walked the 100 metres to the door she couldn't resist texting Alex 'Beer...please..A big one...'

Less than 10 seconds later the reply came

'I've got the beer...and the big one you requested...'

'Dr Sloan is there? Say hi from me...'

'Bitch'

'Don't you forget it...?'

Cristina opened the door and Alex looked up and smirked as he beckoned her over to the table and slid her beer across to her, she slumped into the booth opposite him and took a large mouthful of the ice cold medicine that was in front of her...

'Mmmmm perfect, thanks Alex'

'You're welcome...big enough?'

Cristina nearly choked on her beer as she laughed 'hmmm it will do...' She took another big gulp before placing the glass down on the table and taking a deep breath.

'So, Bailey knows...or she knows something anyway.'

Alex spat some of his beer out across the table and narrowly avoided Cristina's face.

'What, how? I haven't said anything I swear, if that what you think? It wasn't me.'

'no Alex, I know you wouldn't do that to Mer, but I'm telling you, she knows, or she thinks she knows...this is Bailey she has her ways, she knows...everything!'

'Are we going to tell Mer?'

'I don't know.'

'How do you know she knows?'

'She said earlier to tell Mer to take tomorrow off, not to overdo it, to come back slowly...'

'Crap!'

'exactly, I'm not saying she knows about William but she definitely knows something has happened, she isn't stupid, and Mer does look like she is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders...'

'What did you say to her?'

'Nothing...'

The two friends continued to debate how much they should tell Mer, and were so deep in conversation they didn't hear the familiar sound of the bell of the door at Joes go or see Meredith head to the bar. She looked over to her two friends and could see that their glasses where nearly empty, she ordered 2 beers and 3 tequilas much to the amusement of the man behind the bar...and headed over to join her friends.

'I'm just saying I think she has a right to know...'

'Know what?'

Alex and Cristina jumped, neither had seen Meredith approach.

'Know what? Might as well tell me...' Meredith sat herself down in the booth next to Alex, passed the drinks over and downed the first shot of tequila.

'It's nothing, forget it.'

'Alex, it's obviously not nothing, just tell me already.'

Cristina looked at Meredith and knew she couldn't keep things from her.

'It's Bailey, I think she knows.'

'What! How?' she looked over at Alex looking for a reaction

'Dude...I swear it wasn't me Mer, I wouldn't...'

'Cristina?'

'What no...definitely not me either, I promise, but she knows, something, I'm sure of it, especially as she said you are to have tomorrow off and ease your way back on slowly'

'She wants me to take tomorrow off?'

'Yeah, something about all the life saving you did today and how much it will have taken out of you.'

'Might as well use it to my advantage then' Meredith laughed

'You're not worried? That she knows?'

'Yeah, but we don't know for sure what she knows, and I'm in the mood for tequila, and with no work tomorrow that means...more tequila...' she giggled as she downed the second shot.

'I thought they were for your friends?' she heard the voice of the bar man as he came over to clear the glasses.

'Meredith, Joe, Joe, Meredith.' Alex introduced the pair before reassuring Joe his sales figures would never go down with Mer around and how tequila was like water to her so he better stock up. Joe looked down at Meredith and couldn't believe she was such a tequila drinker, she was tiny, surely the two shots she had already would be enough to make her fall over. As if she read his mind, she downed the third shot and smiled at Joe...

'Same again Joe, same again!'

The three friends enjoyed a few more drinks, but it was getting late and Cristina and Alex both had to work tomorrow, early, and started looking at their watches.

'It's ok you know, you two can go, I'm ok.'

'You're not coming?'

'I might just stay here a little while longer, I'll chat to Joe, he isn't too busy, he seems nice, and I'm off tomorrow so it seems silly to go to bed just yet.'

'Are you sure, we could hang around a little longer?'

'No honest, it's fine, I'll just have a couple more and jump in a cab, it's not far, and I'll be fine'

'If you're sure, but will you promise me something? Cristina asked

'Anything!'

'Eat the nachos I ordered off Joe a while ago, I can't wait for them any more I'm too tired, and you-little miss tequila, need to eat something before you fall down.'

'Ok, ok!'

The three friends' hugged goodbye and Meredith promised to let them know when she was home so they didn't worry, she slipped out of the booth and headed to the bathroom, after she grabbed Joes attention and asked for another drink!

She returned to a bar stool, sitting along the side of the bar, Joe poured another tequila and laughed as he counted the empty glasses that remained in the booth.

'You really can sink it I see.'

'Sure can, tequila is my best friend' Meredith grinned 'but don't let Cris or Alex know that, they would be hurt!'

'Talking of Cristina and Alex, they said you had to eat these.' He pushed a plate of nachos towards her'

'Urgh...seriously...eating's cheating and all that!'

'Just eat a few, for me, Yang has probably got the place under surveillance and will kick my ass if she finds out you turned them down!'

'Ok but seriously, just a few, here, you help me with them.'

'Deal'

Meredith smiled at Joe and helped herself to a small handful of the crisps in front of her and took a small sip of her tequila, she was starting to feel the effects of the liquor now, and not that she would admit it!

'Another one?'

'You know me so well Joe, yeah tequila, straight up' Meredith laughed as Joe turned around to pour her drink and as she was about to take a few more nachos she heard a voice behind her...

'Tequila? Tequilas' no good for you...'


	9. Chapter 9 im a very good friend

**Chapter 9 – I'm a very good friend**

Meredith spun around on the bar stool, and her eyes met his deep, mesmerizing blue pools at once.

'It doesn't call, it doesn't write, it's not nearly as much fun to wake up to…'

'Dr Shepherd...'

'It's Derek, especially away from the hospital...Meredith?'

'Ok Derek and I'll have you know tequila is incredibly medicinal'

'Oh really...said who...'

'Me...I'm living proof...' she replied, with sadness in her voice

He heard the change in tone as he sat himself down on the stool next to her and called Joe over

'Tequila though, really? You're going to be sorry in the morning!'

'Hey Dr Shepherd, good to see you again, usual?' Joe interrupted

'Yeah thanks Joe, make it a double please'

'Coming right up double single malt scotch'

'Double single malt scotch, that's no good for you' Meredith mimicked at the side of the bar. 'It doesn't call, it doesn't write…

'I'll have you know scotch is incredibly medicinal'

'Oh really...said who...'

'Me...I'm living proof...' he sighed.

'Oh' Meredith looked up and let her eyes meet his again, a few minutes passed, and nothing was said, was he hurting too?

'So what's your story? Derek asked as he took the first sip of the amber liquor in front of him and broke the silence

'Story? I don't have a story' Meredith responded as she threw her tequila back in one 'I'm just a girl in a bar...' she placed the glass back on the bar as Joe arrived to refill her,

'Last one then I'm cutting you off. Doctors orders.' he said apologetically

'Urgh Cristina!' Meredith cried as she sipped at the new tequila in front of her 'better make it last then'

'So what's your story Dr Shepherd...Derek?'

'I don't have a story...I'm just a guy in a bar!'

Meredith watched as he ran his fingers through his dark hair, as he replied and again she could see the hurt and pain on his face, he definitely had a story to tell, but she wouldn't push it, she had one too and she wasn't willing to share hers, so she wouldn't force him.

'Do you want some nachos, they are just sitting her going cold, I've had enough, and Cristina said I need to eat, but it's silly to eat if you're not hungry right? So they are just sitting here waiting to be ate, have you eaten? You should definitely eat some? They are just going to waste...'

'Whoa, what was that? He asked, as he took another sip of his drink

'What?'

'That, the 100 words a second, the ramble...wow!'

Meredith felt her cheeks blush over 'sorry' and she let her head fall down onto her chest

'Hey don't be sorry I was just fooling around, it's adorable actually, the ramble and yes id love some nachos, thank you. I haven't eaten since lunch'

'I had a big lunch; I'm still full...so here, please, help yourself'

Derek looked up in surprise, he had definitely seen Meredith at lunch, and not one bite of food had passed her lips, but he couldn't tell her that, she would think he was stalking her or something...but he couldn't help but think how hard she had worked today, how empty her stomach must be...It wasn't his place to say anything more, not at the moment at least so he reached over for the plate took a handful before passing the plate to Meredith to offer her more.

'Oh no thanks, I've had enough, I'm done!'

He didn't say anything as he tucked in, but he made a mental note to himself to make sure she ate breakfast the next time they shared a shift, she was tiny, too tiny but he couldn't help but think there was a justifiable reason for it, he just wished he knew what

Meredith and Derek sat for another few minutes chatting and talking about the hospital, obviously both avoiding any kind of personal conversation, always bringing the chat back to the hospital and in particular Meredith's love of neuro and before they knew it Joe was coming over to tell them it was kicking out time

'Already' they said at the same time.

'Yeah its gone 12, I left you as long as I could, sorry guys'

'No worries Joe we will be out of your way in 2 minutes'

'That's great, thanks, and I am sorry to ruin your fun Dr Shepherd, especially so soon after... Derek looked up with a start, almost pleading with Joe to stop talking, a look that didn't go unnoticed by Meredith but she let it pass for now, but made a promise to herself to ask cristina, or even better to ask chatty Alex what was going on. 'It's just good to see you happy again...'

Derek walked Meredith to a waiting taxi cab outside of Joes. 'Would you like to share it? You could get it to continue onto your place?' Meredith asked.

'no its fine, I live far out I'll just go crash at the hospital tonight, I've got to be there early anyway, this way I can grab a few extra minutes asleep'

'Oh ok, well if you are sure, thanks, for tonight, thanks I needed a friend and some company...so thanks'. Meredith spoke softly and Derek could tell she genuinely meant it

'My pleasure' he said as he opened the car door for Meredith to slip in.

'I know you have Yang and Karev, but, I could be your friend Meredith, we could be friends...'

As he closed the door, their eyes met through the glass and Derek felt an ache in his heart that took him by surprise as the taxi started to pull away. And from inside the taxi cab Meredith looked behind at her at the tall dark figure she was pulling away from

'Friends' she whispered to herself...


	10. Chapter 10 you love her she loves you

**Chapter 10 – you love her, she loves you**

Meredith walked up the steps to the house as quietly as she could, the fresh air had hit her and she had to admit, she was feeling the effects of the tequila now. She struggled with her key for a few minutes before finally getting the door open.

'Where the hell have you been?' Cristina's voice filled the room as the light flashed on

'I've been waiting and waiting for you...'

Meredith looked up in shock at her friend's sudden outburst

'Seriously? I didn't ask you to wait up, you said you were off to sleep, how was I to know...'

'Meredith this city is still pretty new to you; you could have been attacked, raped, taken hostage by the pimps in the woods...

'Pimps in the woods, really, in Seattle...'

'Don't joke, I'm just saying, you were alone in Seattle, late at night...anything could have happened.'

'I wasn't alone' Meredith whispered quietly, so much so that Cristina nearly missed the confession.

'What?'

'I said I wasn't alone'

'Mer, Joe doesn't count, he has a bar to run, people to serve, and it's his job to be there.'

'I'm not talking about Joe' Meredith answered as she began to walk up the stairs leaving Cristina confused, 'I never said it was Joe'

'Wh-wh-wh what, then who?'

'A friend Cristina,' Meredith called.

'urm sorry to be blunt Mer, but you are new to this place and your friends left you sitting alone in a bar over an hour ago...'Cristina shook her head, she knew there was no point bringing it back up again tonight, but she made a mental note to go over and see Joe at first chance tomorrow and find out who was keeping Meredith out till all hours.

Meredith ran up the stairs and collapsed onto her bed as the tears started to fall, she picked up her wedding photograph that took pride of place next to her bed and began to caress the glass over Williams face. She was feeling so guilty having enjoyed herself in Derek's company that evening.

'I'm sorry' she sobbed 'he is just a friend, I was enjoying myself, he kept me company, it wasn't anything more, please don't think it was Will, please.' The tears streamed down her cheeks as she battled with her guilt. She was so confused, she had only spoke to Derek for a couple of hours over the day, but it almost felt like she was cheating on Williams memory, and she couldn't cope with that.

She closed her eyes as sleep started to overcome her, head resting back on the head board, still fully dressed, clasping the photograph tight in her right hand...and that was how Alex found her at 4 in the morning when he was awoken by her screams.

_FLASH BACK _

_Meredith crept into Williams room, quietly, he was sleeping and she didn't want to disturb him, but she had had an awful morning and all she could think about was how she needed to be close to her husband. Cristina had arrived a few days earlier and was taking up a lot of Meredith's time, preparing her, as she liked to so politely put it, and this morning was the first time in 12 hours that she had chance to cuddle up to her husband._

_As she gently lay herself down on the bed next to him, she was instantly surprised by how hot he felt, she sat up, a little too quickly and placed the back of her hand across his forehead and couldn't believe the heat radiating off it._

_She climbed back out of bed and switched the light on, and coiled back in horror as she noticed how the bed covers where covered in sweat and the little tiny pearls of water where precariously balanced upon his brow line and upper lip._

_Meredith ran out into the corridor, desperately looking for someone to help, her legs felt like jelly as she ran...and screamed...'help him, please...'_

_The doctor on call heard her cries and followed her back to the room, he instantly saw that something was off, and efforts to wake William tried, but failed_

'_Help him, please...my god, no, help!'_

'_Meredith I need you to wait outside for me, please.'_

'_What, no, I'm staying...'_

'_Meredith you can't do this, we need to do this, please...'_

_Meredith collapsed on the floor outside the room as she heard instructions called from inside the room..._

_!_

'Mer...Mer...Wake up...Mer...'

Meredith was throwing herself around in the bed, and as Alex tried to control her and wake her from her nightmare he could see the tears streaming down her face as she continued to fight the hold Alex had on her. Cristina heard the commotion and ran in, headed straight to the bathroom, filled a glass with water, and threw it on Meredith.

'What the hell...' Alex shouted at Cristina as Meredith sat upright in the bed before repeating Alex's statement.

'You were dreaming Mer, it was bad, and Alex tried to help...'

'So you threw water at me...?' Meredith sobbed

'You had been at it for ages; you wouldn't respond to him I had to do something.'

'I had it under control Cristina' Alex protested, but could hide the anger from his voice

'Oh really, sounded it like it' Cristina argued back

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry you two have work, and you should be asleep' Meredith wrapped her hands around her knees in attempt to stop the shivering that was now taking over her body.

'It's ok Mer; we have to be up soon anyway'

'Take her in the shower, get her warm again Cris, I'll be right back' Alex instructed Cristina as she guided Meredith towards the bathroom. She turned the shower on hot and helped Meredith climb in over the bath tub.

'I'll be ok, you should sleep, go sleep'

Cristina did as Meredith asked and went off to find Alex...

'...I'm sorry Bailey, I know its early but I've been up half the night, food poisoning I think, can't keep anything down...yeah I understand...I appreciate it...yes...yes...thanks...yeah ill tell Yang...she will love me I'm sure'

'Who was that?' Cristina asked

'Bailey, I've rang in sick, I'm not leaving Meredith here alone for the rest of the day, she needs people...'

'But work?'

'Yeah...urm...about that...'

'What?'

'Bailey said ' Alex said as quickly as he could

'You have got to be kidding me...36 hours...urgh Alex' she hit him on the arm, many times

'Hey, I'm on cardio if that helps cushion the blow' that was enough to get Cristina to stop

'You're a good friend to her Alex...'

'And you...cardio whore'

He was forgiven as Cristina realised just how much Meredith needed people around her, today was Alex's turn, and she knew there would be days when she would be with Meredith.

Cristina set about getting ready for her now extended shift as Alex walked back upstairs to his room, surprised to see Meredith sitting on the edge of his bed.

'Hey' he said

'Hey, sorry it's just mines...wet'

'It's ok Mer, you get in...I'll sleep in Cristina's or whatever, she is off into work anyway.'

'But you have to...'

'What I have to do is not work, and keep you company, you hit me pretty hard back there, you got some making up to do' Alex laughed

'Sorry'

'Don't be, you got a pretty decent left hook on you mer.' Alex rubbed his cheek for extra effect

'Could you...?' 'Do you think you..? '

'Anything mer.'

'Could you just lay here with me a few minutes, I really don't want to be alone.'

And that was how Cristina found them a few minutes later, Meredith tucked up under the covers, curled into the side of Alex, who lay, on top of the covers, with his hand holding onto Meredith's, fast asleep. She smiled to herself and left them sleeping, they probably both needed the rest.

Later that day Cristina managed to grab 5 minutes to ring Alex and see how Meredith was doing. She was on a surgery high and couldn't wait to share the news with her friends. She hunted for a quiet space to call, and decided upon the on call room – deciding that she could even grab a quick nap afterwards; she would be paged if she was needed.

'_Hello?'_

'It's me, just thought I'd see how you both were doing?'

'_Mer is still sleeping, she is exhausted, and she hasn't even stirred since you saw her earlier.'_

'Well last time I saw her she was wrapped around you in bed asleep, so I needed to check she was still in one piece Karev!'

'_You know there was nothing to that...don't you?'_

'Yeah I know, you love her, or something...'

'_I do love her Cris, the same way you do...'_

'I know, I know...you love her, she loves you, even I lo..., crap my pager...as long as she is ok...and you are too...ok ill catch you later...yeah...Bye...

Cristina ran out of the room, panicked that her patient seemed to be in trouble, and as she left the room she failed to notice the shadow in the bed furthest away from the door, two blue eyes, staring, fixed on the ceiling, in shock from what he heard

'He loves her, she loves him...Meredith?'


	11. Chapter 11 it's not Addison

**Chapter 11 – It's not Addison**

Derek was walking down the corridors of Seattle Grace in a haze, a few hours earlier he had being smiling about the hour he had spent last night in Joes with Meredith, and now, when he had no right to be, he was feeling jealous, and angry, and if he was honest disappointed.

Even though he had only shared a few nachos and a drink with Meredith, it had been easy, the conversation had flowed, and he had quickly learnt not to press her for information, she was fragile, he could see that, but he couldn't help but be intrigued, and in awe of her innocence. He had decided, whilst dozing in the on call room that one of the things that he admired the most was just how naive she was to her beauty, she was naturally just...wow...and she didn't have a clue and he had decided earlier, before the phone call he overheard, that as much as he had these feelings towards her, he wasn't going to act on them, not yet anyway, he didn't know what was worrying Meredith, but it appeared she had the weight of the world on her shoulders, she needed a friend and he had decided that was exactly what he would be...no pushing. After all he had his own problems to worry about, Addison was stalking his ass, phone call after phone call, and it was getting harder to avoid her...and he didn't need Meredith knowing that he had stuff going on...he wouldn't get jealous...he had no right too... he couldn't get the conversation he had overheard out of his head though and it left him surprisingly disheartened... She couldn't be with karev, could she?

It was a slow day for neuro and he was beginning to regret not going home last night, he had hardly slept in the on call room – for different reasons – the snoring of a second year resident, and thoughts of Meredith been two of the most recurring. He headed up to the Gallery; he had no surgery scheduled so thought he might as well watch one instead. The hospital was unusually quiet and he was pleased when he got into the Gallery and found it deserted. He looked down and saw Webber was half was through a Liver resection, activity was rife below in the OR, and Derek sat back in the chair, but his feet up on the window sill, and watched...it wasn't long until his mind turned back to last night's events...to Meredith.

_Last Night_

'_So do you want to take a seat, I've never been a fan of bar stools?' he asked as she took another sip of her tequila._

_Meredith looked up, surprised at the offer._

'_Urm...I don't...it's just...'_

'_You are here alone, so am I; we can keep each other company?'_

'_You want to...with me?'_

'_What's so hard to believe?'_

'_I don't...ok...yeah...ok'_

'_Don't be so nervous, are you afraid what people will think, the neuro God, chatting up his prodigy?'_

'_What...No...Besides...you're not...chatting...me...up' she protested and he saw her eyes glaze over at once..._

_Crap he thought to himself, fix this_

'_No no of course not, it was a joke, sorry, not a very funny one...I was just….'_

'_You really like yourself huh?' Meredith cut in_

'_Just hiding my pain' Derek offered in response with a small laugh_

'_Oh, It's ok, sorry I over reacted – I blame this' she said as she pointed to the empty shot glasses in front of her._

'_Think of it as invitation to sit, to prevent you falling of a high stool after all those tequilas, a chance to sober up – with water? A friend would do that...look out for their slightly intoxicated friend?'_

'_A friend...yeah...ok...thanks...a friend...?'_

'_I'm a very good friend' he smiled_

_Meredith laughed at his cockiness...'Really, well I guess only time will tell...Cristina is pretty hard to beat...and as for Tequila...well that's even harder! And just for the record, I am not intoxicated!'_

_He looked at the table full of the remaining tequila shot glasses and couldn't quite believe how many she had downed, and here she was, still talking coherently, forming sentences, attempting humour...man she could drink!_

_He motioned to Joe to bring over some water and moved towards the booth that Meredith and her friends had vacated not too long ago._

_They sat in silence for a few minutes before both trying to break the quiet at the same time._

'_Why neuro?' Meredith asked_

'_So brains are your thing? Derek asked at the same time_

'_Great minds think alike' he chuckled as Meredith looked up and realised he was looking at her, really looking at her, and she could tell he was interested in her answer._

'_Surgery is my life...' she whispered sadly, 'would you believe me if I said it was to piss my mother off?' she said with a slight smile, that surprised Derek but made him think she meant it_

'_Your mother...why would brain surgery piss your mother off? Surely she should be proud?'_

'_Huh...you haven't met my mother...'_

'_Richard mentioned your family had a good surgical background, I'm guessing she is a surgeon too?'_

_Meredith didn't look up, but did nod her head...but Derek knew when to leave something so didn't push her for more, but couldn't help but wonder to himself who her mother was, he certainly hadn't heard of any other Dr Worthington's in the surgery world, but he made a note to himself to look her up._

'_So why neuro for you?'_

'_My dad...my dad was a neuro surgeon...one of the greats...I wanted to make him proud.'_

'_Was?'_

'_yeah, was...' he looked up as he said the final words and Meredith saw in his eyes not to push him, hearing the sadness in his voice made her realise she wasn't the only person in the world who was hurting, sometimes she forgot that!_

'_Can I ask why Seattle?' Meredith asked_

'_yeah I came with my wi...with my friend...mark...he got offered a job in plastics, I realised it was for Webber and I was desperate to work for him again, he was my mentor through medical school for a long time, he heard I was looking for a headship, and offered me the job on the spot, never looked back.'_

'_So you followed your best friend, to a city, miles from home...where it rains...'_

'_Didn't you do that...with Cristina and Alex?' he replied quickly, almost on the defence_

_Meredith looked up, startled by his bluntness and he realised at once he had asked to much...'it rains in New York too, sometimes' he said, trying to back track and put her back at ease._

_He saw a slight smile creep over her face 'New York, really, wow...Boston...I'm from Boston'_

'_So the North West coast is getting over taken by the Neuro God and the new resident on the block from the East...'_

'_Alex was so right about you' Meredith laughed as she finished the water in front of her._

'_Alex...Karev?_

'_Yeah ...he wasn't wrong about you...'_

'_And what exactly did he say about me?'_

'_Oh nothing big...just something about a God complex...!'_

_Derek laughed and choked on his drink, Karev thinks I'm God he thought...he hasn't seen anything yet!'_

_The conversation went on, he remembered, both careful not to reveal too much about themselves, but in a way in which the conversation never stopped..._

_They were both surprised when Joe approached and told them the bar was closing, Meredith had already sunk the last of her tequila, so he took the last mouthful of his scotch and headed for the door, holding it open for Meredith on the way._

_She had offered him a lift, she was thoughtful, but he knew if he got into that cab with Meredith, he might do something he would regret, she was fragile he could see that, and he wasn't prepared to lose Meredith...he could be her friend...friends...he could be a very good friend._

'Man, what's with the day dreaming...'

'What?'

'I've been calling you the last few minutes, your head was away then wasn't it...is it Addi? Is she bothering you?' Mark sat down in one of the many empty chairs behind Derek in the gallery and placed a hand on his best friends shoulder.

'Do you want me to speak to her, tell her to give you space?'

'Space? No, thanks, its ok, it's not Addison, she's a bitch, but I'm used to that...'

'Then what is it then?' mark asked, with real sincerity in his voice

Derek turned around and faced his best friend

'Ok where is mark, what have you done with my best friend? He laughed

Mark got up to thump Derek in the arm, but Derek ducked before he made contact 'he's right here man', he laughed,' I just care that's all, I mean 11 years of marriage, and it's just supposed to be over, it's ok if you're not ok?'

Derek turned back round and stood up, placing his hands on the glass and took a deep, thoughtful sigh

'It's not Addison, I promise...'


	12. Chapter 12 you shrunk

**Chapter 12 – you shrunk**

Meredith pretty much slept all day, she couldn't decide if it was the tequila that was affecting her or just the sheer exhaustion of the worry she was carrying around. She had woke up about 4pm, not surprised to find the bed empty and Alex no longer there. It's funny she thought to herself, she didn't think twice about asking Alex to share the bed with her, but the guilt she felt from enjoying a drink with Derek was unbearable. She threw on a clean t shirt and yoga pants and headed downstairs where she could hear Alex whistling...and the sound of the...vacuum.

'Alex...Alex...ALEX' she screamed to get his attention over the roar of the Hoover.

'Hey sleepy head' he smirked as he reached down to turn the power off.

'Vacuuming...you...are you ill?' Meredith couldn't help but laugh at the sight in front of her, Alex had on old shorts and a raggy t shirt, his hair was all over the place, he had a dusting rag tucked into his back pocket, and the Hoover attached to his left hand!

'Very funny Mer, it needed to be done...you two are slobs!' he joked

'Don't count me in with that, we all know who the slob is around here, and they aren't in this room right now...'

'I know, I know I'm just messing with you Mer, you will never guess where I found this...'

Meredith looked up to see Alex pulling a black bra out of his pocket...

'Is that...'

'Cristina's underwear...yes...and I found it under the coffee table...and those...he pointed to Cristina's work shoes now sitting neatly by the door, well one was under the couch cushion, and the other on the window sill...'

'She is like your wayward, untidy teenage daughter...' Meredith laughed

'And don't even get me started on her room...you can't even see the floor in there...' Alex moaned.

'The next thing you will be telling me she is grounded till she cleans it up' Meredith giggled, a sound which made Alex smile, after the last 12 hours or so, he hadn't expected to see Meredith giggle so easily.

'Coffee?' he asked

'Mmmmm yeah – thanks dad' Meredith replied, and ducked as Alex threw the bra at her.

The two friends sat opposite each other at the dining room table silently drinking their coffee.

'What time is it?' Meredith asked 'I didn't even look when I climbed out of bed.'

'Nearly 4:30 sleepy, you must have really nee...'

'Seriously...CRAP...I'm never going to get...I can't be without it any longer...' Meredith pushed herself up off the chair and ran from the kitchen, out onto the porch at the back of the house. Alex quickly followed wondering what could possibly have upset Meredith so much. He stopped in the door way as he heard the sound of Meredith talking to someone...

'William' he thought to himself.

He didn't mean to pry but he had to know what was wrong, how he could help. He let himself move forwards slowly, until Meredith was in sight...and of course nobody was there, but Mer, he could see her fiddling with something between her fingers, and he couldn't miss the tears that now streaked her cheeks.

'oh I'm sorry, you must hate me' Meredith sobbed, 'drinks with a friend, a tequila hangover, sleeping in the same bed as Alex...urgh...all...of...that...and...I ...wasn't ...wearing...' the tears took over Meredith's body as she felt her body give weigh and she sunk down onto the first step of the porch.

Alex could hear her broken cries and ran over and scooped her up into his arms and lifted her up onto one of the garden seats that sat on the patio. He smoothed the hair off her face and with his thumbs tried to dry the tears that where forever falling.

'Sssshhh Mer...talk to me...I'm here for you...sssshhh...Mer.' Alex spoke softly, rubbing her back, hoping to get a reaction.

Meredith looked up at Alex, and attempted a smile; Alex kissed her on the head and sat back on the chair opposite her. He knew not to push, and he knew if she wanted to talk, she would.

After what felt like an eternity, the sobs subsided and Meredith sat up in the chair

'It's just...'

'Take your time Mer...'

'No it's...its ok...it's you...I can...to you'

Alex smiled at Meredith, encouraging her to continue

'It's this' she stated, holding out her hand for Alex to see the beautiful platinum band shimmering in the early evening light, the diamond catching on a sun ray illuminating Meredith's face as she spoke.

'Your wedding ring?' Alex noted

With a sigh Meredith continued 'yeah...my wedding ring...'

'Are you going to put it on?'

'I want to...'

'But?'

'But...it's too big...it grew or something...'

'Mer...'

'It got stretched...somehow'

'Meredith...its platinum...it can't...'

Her eyes held every emotion she was feeling, Alex knew it, and she knew it and as he saw her circle the ring in her fingers, sliding it on and off on her wedding ring finger – far too easily, he knew exactly why it had 'grew'

'Mer, don't hate me for saying this...'

'I could never...'

'It didn't grow...you...shrunk...'

Meredith looked up, and slowly nodded her head, she knew Alex was right, her clothes where hanging off her, her ring couldn't stay on her finger without falling off, and even her underwear was loose.

The dark circles that seemed etched to Meredith's face, looked that even bit darker as they spoke, Meredith didn't say anything, but she didn't tell Alex to stop talking, so he continued.

'you need to eat Mer, you're disappearing before my eyes...you are beautiful, you always will be...but bones are meant to be covered by skin...not jutting out of it' he said as he gently took her wrist and rubbed his fingers over the bones on her wrists and forearms that where becoming more and more visible.

'You're a skeleton Mer...I'm worried'

Meredith heard the genuine concern in Alex's voice, she knew he was right, she had to make changes, but she didn't know how but she also knew she definitely didn't feel ready.

'Pizza? Pizza is a good place to start...you won't turn that down, will you?' Alex more or less pleaded with Meredith, desperate for a response

'Pepperoni?' Meredith asked forcing a smile at Alex

'Of course' came the reply as Alex took out his cell phone and put in a call to the local pizza shop.

30 minutes later the door bell rang, Alex left Meredith sorting out the soda in the kitchen and ran up to the door to collect the pizza, the smell filled the room instantly, and Alex was pleased to hear Meredith inhale the aroma from the Kitchen

'Mmmmm smells delicious' he heard her say to herself.

Alex walked through the house, and out onto the porch, Meredith behind him with the drinks and a small salad she had fixed up to go with the pizza'

'Oh honey you cooked' Alex joked

'Jackass' Meredith retaliated throwing a cherry tomato at his head.

'I know I can't cook, but salad, come on Alex, even I can get salad right.'

'Did you wash it?' he smirked.

'Wash what?'

'The salad Mer...?'

'Crap' Meredith blushed as she gathered up the salad bowl and ran back into the house.

Alex was still laughing to himself as Meredith reappeared

'How was I to know it needed washing' she said, slightly disappointingly 'who sells dirty food, I mean...that's just wrong! ?'

'Just think of it like this...next time...you can make the salad, and you will know what to do...' he ducked in time just as another tomato was heading his way.

Meredith enjoyed the pizza, she ate 2 slices, which was a start, and she had to admit, it did taste good. Alex looked on, as Meredith tucked into the end of her second slice, 'You know Mer, I'm off Saturday, and if you wanted I could take the ring into town for you...with your measurements...I could put it in to be altered.'

'Really? Oh Alex would you, it's just I'm never without it, my finger feels, naked...I feel closer to him when it's on.'

'I know Mer, it's no trouble, I have to go into town anyway, I'll take it with me, but not too small ok, if you're going to be on the pizza diet you don't want it getting to small...'

'Ass' she laughed as she finished her pizza and patted her now full stomach

'Delicious!


	13. Chapter 13 broken too

**Chapter 13– broken too? **

Cristina was finally coming to the end of the 36 hour horror shift she had inherited from Alex nearly 2 days ago and all she could think of was beer...she needed beer...and she needed to check in with Joe too, she needed details about Meredith's drinking companion from 2 nights earlier...and she knew Joe would spill he was an easy target!

She looked down at her watch '5pm too early for a beer? Hell no...Not after that!'

As she walked into Joes, she was surprised to see it so full, so early, the bar area was quite busy so she decided to order a beer and take a seat at one of the tables further back. She would grab Joe for a chat once it quietened down. She took the first swing of her beer, and enjoyed the feel of it moving down her throat.

'Aaaaaaaagh' she said, a little too loudly, as she wiped the soft foam from away from her lips.

'_Yes I know you have been calling me...'_

Cristina was suspired to hear Dr Shepherds voice coming from the table behind her, especially at this time, he must have had a horror shift too, she thought to herself.

'_27 missed calls did alert me to the fact you where trying to contact me yes...'_

Cristina leaned forwards on the table, she wasn't meaning to listen in...but it was too easy not too.

'_No your wrong, I don't have to pick up the phone...you seem to be forgetting...you are my ex wife...not my wife. Yes I am avoiding you; I'm not going to pretend otherwise...'_

Cristina heard a loud sigh come from behind her, and could tell he was getting agitated, he had a temper, and they had all witnessed it – many times.

'_11 years I wasted telling you where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, and now, now it's non of your god dam business Addison'_

Oh this is good Cristina thought to herself, who needs Judge Judy!

'_Addison, you are not my wife, you don't get to ring me 100 times a day, or turn up unannounced at my home...yes I said home Addison...I consider it my home...no the condo was never my home, not with you...'_

Cristina heard him take a heavy sigh.

'_where I was last night is none of your fucking business...yes I did just swear at you...you had no right driving out there, I don't want to see you, I don't want to work with you, I don't even want you in the same fucking city as me...All I want is Seattle'_

'_Yes I mean it...leave Addison, just leave!'_

'_I was with a friend...'_

'_What does it matter where?'_

_Just the bar across the street from the hospital...'_

'_No I don't care how it makes you feel...'_

'_Yes Addison...she..._

'_People can be friends with the opposite sex without dragging them into the nearest on call room, you might want to remember that...'_

Cristina sat up right in the chair...

'_Who that she is will never be any of your business...'_

Coincidence surely she thought to herself...

'_Yes a friend Addison, you might want to look up the term in the dictionary...it might help you find some...'_

'_No I'm not sleeping with her...again use the dictionary – friend doesn't have 'fuck buddy' listed next to it...there is only room for one whore in this divorce'_

Cristina sat in shock, for many reasons, She couldn't believe how he had stuck up for himself, and how quick he had been, he had called her a whore – ha- she loved that, she secretly hated Addison for treating Alex so badly the last few months, she made mental notes to remember some of those put downs, they where almost as good as her own... but that aside...he has spent last night at Joe's...with a friend...

She downed her beer and walked up to the bar, hoping that Derek hadn't noticed her behind him on the next table, she took a look behind, and saw him texting away on his phone, and throwing back the remainder of his drink, before heavy handily dropping the glass back on the table, lost in thought, he was oblivious to her presence.

'Hey Joe' she called. 'Thought I asked you to have Mer home at a reasonable hour' she laughed.

'Hey yourself...not guilty...'

'But she was here...right?'

'Yeah she was here, and I tried with the nachos, I really did but she palmed them off on Dr Shepherd and...'

'What?'

'Dr Shepherd' he repeated and pointed over to the back of the bar 'he is the one you want to blame for keeping your friend out till all hours, like I said not guilty' He laughed as he held his hands up in the air, protesting his innocence!

Cristina stared open mouthed looking at the back of the bar...speechless...she wasn't expecting that.

'Urm...yo...your sure...it was...him'

'Of course I'm a bar tender I'm not stupid Cristina.'

'But he's...'

'Broken too? Joe offered as he looked with interest at Cristina, waiting for her response

'Yeah...' Cristina whispered walking out of the bar 'something likes that...'


	14. Chapter 14 we've been robbed

Chapter 14 - we've been robbed

Derek stayed in the bar, nursing another shot of scotch, drumming his fingers on the table. He couldn't believe the cheek of Addison, she was a law to herself, it was over, they were getting divorced, it was none of her business where he was, or what he was doing. She infuriated him, he just wanted her gone, forever, he needed Seattle...

BEEEEP BZZZZZZZZZZZZ BEEEEEP BZZZZZZZZZ

He was brought back into reality by the sound of his pager vibrating across the table, he only had a small amount of scotch left, so he knocked it back in one and stood up to move towards the door.

'You're leaving? You can't leave' Joe called from behind the bar, to get Derek's attention

'Sorry gotta go tend to someone else's train wreck' Derek replied as he turned back to walk towards the door, pushing his phone into his top pocket

'You gotta at least stay for a cup of coffee, you're in no shape to cut people open' Joe argued as Derek stopped and turned to face the bar man, gave a small smile, and walked out of the bar

As Cristina walked back into the house, glad to be home after the insanely long shift she had just completed she was alerted by a very funny smell

'Urgh' she said as she crinkled up her nose, in disgust of the stench that was creeping into her nostrils.

She headed towards the back of the house where she could hear Alex and Meredith talking and as she walked out onto the porch she was pleased to see a smile on her friends face.

'Alex it smells like something is rotting in the hall way? Are your trainers really that bad?' Cristina stated as Alex and Mer looked up.

'What? No it doesn't, its clean in there.' Alex protested, after all he had spent all afternoon cleaning up.

'Its like some kind of fungus, and fruit, and just urgh, man its gross' cristina said as she wafted her fingers over her nose, pretending to rid herself of the smell.

'It's clean Cristina….its disinfectant and polish….'

Cristina looked up, confused

'It's what clean smells like, you would know if you ever bothered to clean up' Alex joked as he winked at Mer and through a cleaning cloth over at Cristina

'That's a duster, it cleans the sides, gets rid of the dust, the fluff, the dirt….'

'It's a rag…'

'Yeah, use it sometime! Consider it a present!'

Cristina looked at the yellow 'rag' in her hand, surprised that it was good for anything but took it with her as she walked back into the house.

'Wanna go back inside? Alex asked as Mer took the final sip of her drink

'You know, I think I'm good here, it's peaceful, and quiet…..'

'ALEX…MER…OH…MY…QUICK…..MAN…..' Cristina screamed from inside the house and Alex and Meredith shot up with a panic as they ran inside the house

'It's gone, oh my god it's gone, the thieving bast…'

'Cristina?' Alex interrupted

'It was there, right there…and it's gone….my favourite, who steals….'

'Steals? What? What are you on about Cristina?' Meredith asked, puzzled by her friends reaction as she spun around in the living room.

'Argh…and my shoes….I mean who steals shoes…so some thief has a thing for women's underwear and trainers….'

'What thief?' Alex joked 'have you had a bump on the head?'

'What do you men what thief? The cross dressing freak who has stolen my underwear and shoes…..'

'Do you mean those shoes?' Meredith pointed over to the shoe rack under the stairs where all the shoes lived.

'What…oh...urm...yeah…' Cristina walked over to the shoes and picked up her trainers

'So the thief put these away….and what walked out of here in my bra?'

Alex and Meredith couldn't help themselves any longer and burst into fits of giggles, Meredith had to steady herself on the couch as Alex bent over laughing hysterically.

'Why are you laughing, we have been robbed, it's gone…it was right there…'

'Oh, my…Cristina…really?' Meredith was crying now, from laughing so much

'It's in the laundry Cristina, Alex cleaned, as in he put away all your crap and tidied the place up – he de-cristinaed the place!'

'What' she looked on confused

'you are a slob, you live like an animal, you have to walk over clothes to get into your room, you throw clothes off your bed, onto the floor to get into bed every night, you never do laundry…you leave your underwear in the living room like it's an ornament on the table….' Meredith laughed and could have continued with more

'I don't…'

'You admit it yourself that your messy, but, seriously, it's out of control!'

'Its organised mess…I know where everything is…'

'Oh really' Alex joked

'So my cardiac reference book you borrowed months ago…

'Is under the bed, next to my slippers, covered by the old comforter…' Cristina said with a grin

'Beside the point!'

'Alex is right Cris, you're a mess it's like living with a teenager, and this must be how your mom felt all those years….poor soul!' Meredith smiled

'Urgh….I'm not that bad' Cristina responded as she stomped up the stairs, Alex and Meredith dissolving into a fit of laughter again, struggling to believe she actually thought they had been burgled, because it was clean! A loud thud surprised them both as they saw Alex's book hit the hall floor with a thud

'There's your crappy book…..'

That was enough to set off the giggles again as the two friends looked at the book sprawled out on the floor.

A few hours later the house was quiet, Cristina hadn't come back out from her room, Alex was watching a DVD in the living room and Meredith was making coffee in the kitchen when the sudden sound of a pager filled the house….

'Mer….it's yours' Alex bellowed from the room,

'Where is it?' Meredith asked

'Maybe the cross dressing thief stole it when he moved my bra; Cristina joked as she started to walk down the stairs….

'Maybe' joked Meredith as she spotted the pager on the small table by the phone

'Its mine too, trauma….we better get in'

'Is it wrong that I'm glad to be going to work? Meredith asked

'Yes! Alex joked 'it's so wrong'

'You girls have fun….maybe I'll call the blonde from billing….'

'BEEEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEP'

'CRAP!'

'Or not…' Cristina joked 'got to work like the rest of us!'

The three of them piled into Alex's car and headed for the hospital.

'Must be bad for us all to be paged' Cristina said 'as if I hadn't just worked long enough!'

'Don't moan…there will be blood….and bones broken….and cutting….and brains...' Meredith said with a slightly disturbed smile on her face

'Well when you put it like that….' Cristina replied but cast a cautious eye over at Mer at the mention of brains...least she said brains and not a brain surgeon. With all the commotion of the 'burglary' earlier she hadn't had chance to bring up the Derek issue with Alex...she needed advice before she spoke to Mer...she would you just have to remember to do it later.


	15. Chapter 15 if love was enough

Chapter 15 – if love was enough

The ER was crazy, a passenger train had crashed just outside of Seattle and the casualties were being air lifted in as well as shipped in by what seemed like hundreds of ambulances! Casualties were lined up waiting to be seen, every exam room was full, gurneys where over crowding the corridor, doctors where running around like crazy desperate to help as many people as they could.

When Meredith, Alex and Cristina arrived Bailey was in front of them in an instant giving out instructions and orders

'Alex, cover the ER. You can do sutures while you get over your new found fear of gynie doctors. Cristina Dr Hunt needs help in exam room one, and Meredith...come with me'

Meredith ran off to the x ray room to wait for Bailey whose attention was drawn to the lone figure propping up the wall in the ER.

'Shepherd what are you doing wandering around, there are brains needing fixing, nerve damage needing assessing and...' Bailey stopped in mid sentence as the sudden stench of scotch filled her nostrils.

'You are drunk. Go get yourself a banana bag IV, put it in your arm and then find me. Do not speak to anymore patients, do not practice any medicine.' Bailey demanded, shocked at the sight in front of her.

'Well should I just go home?' he asked

'Well, unless you drank the whole liquor bottle, you'll be sober in a few hours. And the IV fluids will head off your hangover. Then you can assist with the many mangled victims you see spread out before you. Besides, if I'm not going home, nobody's going home.' She stated bluntly and turned to go and find Meredith. '10 years of marriage; I didn't even get to finish my damn lobster.' She muttered to herself as she stepped into the elevator.

Derek took himself off to an empty bed in the clinic, technically he was jumping the queue, there where people desperately needing the bed, but he needed a banana bag and quick! He was feeling guilty now, he shouldn't have had that last scotch...but he didn't know this would happen...he didn't no.

' Ow. Ow. Ow.' Derek complained to himself

What are you doing? Mark asked suddenly appearing from behind the closed curtain

'Trying to insert my banana bag which sounds vaguely dirty, but it isn't.'

'I'll do it.' Mark offered taking the bag off Derek

'So, have you seen Addison? Bad mood? Good mood? My ex husband called me a whore mood?

'Ah I think it's the more of the 'I hate the smell of charred flesh mood'. Mark replied bluntly

'Before you judge me. I know there was a train accident. People are very badly hurt. And that I'm a vapid narcissist when you mix me with alcohol. In case you were wondering. I know that. But she rang me 27 times today, left voice mails and basically pissed me off...so I drank...and now I'm drunk and can't help...and...Well...it's her fault'

'For what it's worth, I take issue with her salmon colored scrubs. I mean what self respecting surgeon wears salmon colored scrubs? Mark laughed

'This is what I'm saying.' Derek said with a smile across his face, that mark knew was only there because of one thing...scotch!

Over in the x-ray room Meredith, Bailey and Altman where examining the results of their patients Bonnie and Tom impaled on a metal bar, the bar plugging their wounds, and slowly realising that a small movement could lead to one or both of them bleeding out.

'Stupid shepherd just when we need him...he has to get drunk!' bailey moaned

'Der...Dr Shepherd is drunk?' Meredith asked surprised at what she was hearing, just as Derek walked into the room

'What happened?' Meredith asked as she looked over at Derek

'Scotch' Derek replied, ashamed of himself

'Can we get back to the patient' bailey demanded

"His injuries are far less severe. We have a much greater chance of saving him." Altman said as she examined the scans again

"Well I could argue that because her injuries are more severe, he should be the one that gets moved." Bailey said bluntly

"So, basically, whoever you move doesn't stand a chance. How do you choose? How do you decide who gets to live?" Meredith said in desperation, something that didn't go unnoticed by Derek, he heard the change in her voice, he had heard it before.

'What do you think Dr Shepherd? Meredith asked, her eyes meeting his, pleading for an answer to the problem.

'Dr. Shepherd needs to get himself a blood alcohol test before practicing any medicine tonight.' Bailey said, shaking her head, fuming that the best neuro surgeon the hospital had ever had was currently intoxicated!

'What? No, I'm totally fine. Look totally fine.' Derek argued as he touched his fingers to his nose

'Right, okay.' Meredith said as she walked back over to the x rays.

'I'm fine!' Derek shouted across the room at them both, I'm fine.

'Regretting that last shot about now aren't you?' bailey said firmly, Derek had to admit defeat and set off to find mark to take some blood and run the labs, STAT he thought to himself. He had to be in on this surgery...it was huge.

Within two hours Derek's blood results were in and bailey cleared him to be involved in the surgery. After heartbreaking conversations and some of the hardest decisions of all of their careers it was decided that Bonnie would be moved off the pole first and Tom would be operated, and as for Bonnie, well no one really knew what would happen until they removed her, but for all of them it felt like they were handing her a death sentence.

Meredith was scrubbing in, watching through the window as Derek spoke to the patients in the OR. This was the hardest surgery she had been involved in since William, and she had spent the last hour preparing for the fact they were probably going to lose Bonnie in the next couple of hours...Death...she knew it was part of the job of a surgeon...but this was going to test every last inch of her strength...she had to trust herself...she could do this...she was helping to save Tom, saving one life, not losing two.

'Can you feel that, Miss Crasnoff?' Derek asked running a blunt instrument along the bottom of Bonnies foot

'You're a cute doctor. Cute doctors get to call me by my first name.' Bonnie said, trying to find humour in the situation

'Okay, Bonnie' Derek said, smiling at his patient but his face failing to hide the grief that was already taking over his body.

' Dr. Shepherd, I don't know about Tom here, but I didn't expect to be walking out of here anytime soon, so if there's something you need to say, please just say it.'

'Okay, Bonnie. In order to operate on Mr. Maynard, we have to separate you two. In order to do that, we have to move you backwards off the pole'

'Can't you just pull the pole out of both of us?' Tom asked

'No. If we did that, both of you would start bleeding very quickly. Too quickly. Right now, the pole is blocking your injuries. Once removed, your organs will shift.' Derek tried to stay focussed, but could feel the tears pricking the back of his eyes as he spoke

'So if you move me off the pole... I'll die?' Bonnie whispered

'We're going to do everything we can'Derek stuttered

'No! No, if anyone has to go, it should be me, so you just move me' Tom cried

'Mr. Maynard... your injuries are less extensive than Miss Crasnoff's. If we operate around the pole, you have a better chance of surviving.' Bailey interrupted as she walked into the room, noticing the tears building in Derek's eyes.

It's not right. It's not fair! Tom said, a tear escaping down his cheek

'Tom... it's not fair either way.' Bonnie said bravely, as she felt Derek's hand squeeze her own, as he looked up he noticed Meredith staring in from the scrub room, and even though his own eyes where glazed, he couldn't help but notice as she wiped her own tears from her cheeks.

'Dr Shepherd?' Bonnie asked as Derek moved down to look her in the eye 'You'll be the one to speak to my Danny right?'

Minutes into the surgery as Bonnie was removed off the pole, the machines started beeping immediately

"What about her? We can't just leave her! We can't just abandon her!" Meredith screamed , a move that shocked the other surgeons in the room. Derek looked up to see Meredith begin CPR on Bonnie.

'Dr Worthington...'Bailey called from across the other side of the OR

'Stop Dr Worthington there is nothing you can do'

'What, no, she deserves a chance, she deserves a chance...she is happy...she has someone...she...'

'Meredith...' Derek called from across the room; Bailey looked over intrigued by the familiarity but was pleased to see Meredith stop and look up

'Meredith, I know this is hard, and impossible and devastating to deal with, but Bonnie is bleeding internally far too fast to help, she's gone Mer...she's gone...but Tom, Tom needs us, he needs you to help...we can save him,

Meredith let her hands stop pumping on Bonnie's chest; she felt the tears drop down her cheeks as she walked over to Tom on the surgical table

'I'm sorry; it's...just...such a waste...of life...' She tried to hold onto the tears, but it was impossible now, Derek looked over to her, unable to move, yet desperate to wrap her into a hug...

'Meredith' bailey said, softly, 'Meredith, scrub out...go and find Alex, Yang...get coffee, anything, just scrub out ok, this was a lot'

Meredith looked up, but knew Bailey was right; she had to get out of there, away from...the death.

She scrubbed out, but waited in the scrub room for a few minutes trying to compose herself, she walked out of the door and propped herself up on the wall opposite, waiting for bailey and Derek to finish, she would see this out, even if it wasn't in the OR alongside them.

After what seemed like an eternity, the two doctors walked out of the scrub room, and noticed Meredith instantly

'Have you been there the whole time?' bailey asked as Meredith nodded, looking down at the floor.

'I just...just...had to see it through, I had to be here...especially when you...'

'You don't have to be there for that, it's ok, and I've got it' Derek said as he looked up hoping to catch Meredith's eye, but she didn't look up

'Its ok, I'm ok' Meredith whispered.

The three surgeons walked off solemnly towards the waiting room, Derek knew he had to speak to Danny, he had to be brave.

As they walked in, they spotted him instantly, and he stood as they approached him, one look at their faces and he knew instantly, and he collapsed on the chair, the sobs over taking his body. Meredith and Bailey walked past him and stood alongside the window, as Derek sat down in the chair alongside Danny.

"She asked me to tell you... She wanted you to know... that if love were enough... that if love were enough, that she'd still be here with you." Derek found the words hard to share, but had to repeat them, he had promised Bonnie. He watched as her fiancé cried in front of him, broken...and just as he was about to speak again he was surprised by the sobs that came from over by the window sill and concerned as Meredith fled the room

'I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I can't...be here...' she sobbed as she ran out of the room

Derek stood up at once, insistent on chasing after her but was stopped by Bailey...'leave her Derek...for now leave her...'


	16. Chapter 16 there is no competition

**Chapter 16 – there is no competition**

Meredith ran, down the corridor, desperate to get away from the waiting room, from the heart broken fiancé, from...everything. Who was she kidding; she thought to herself, how did she think she could come back to this so soon after William. She was hurting, and a mess and today...just like that...they had played Russian roulette with a poor girl's life...and she was gone. She couldn't help but think if love was enough William would still be here with her, they would be looking forward to a future together. Yet instead, love wasn't enough, if it was then they would have had a life time together...love was meant to be forever...when you met your soul mate you were supposed to have forever together, not have it snatched away from you, not so young, her heart broke for Bonnie's fiancé, she knew every last emotion he was about to go through, how the pain never really went away, how people always meant well when when they told you that time was a healer...it was all crap...because none of it would bring your true love back...nothing.

Meredith kept running, she had to get out of the hospital, she needed fresh air, a moment to think, to clear her thoughts, and to try and contain the bile she could feel rising from the bottom of her stomach!

Cristina looked up from the wound she was suturing as Meredith ran past her, and headed towards the door...towards the thundering rain and the darkness that had now taken over Seattle, the wound she was suturing was deep, she couldn't really leave it like this...she put her head back down to concentrate on her work, promising herself she would chase after Meredith as soon as she was done, she would only be a few more seconds...

Meredith pushed the ER doors open, and nearly took out a doctor as they flew open with force

'Hey watch the face...I can't fix myself...' Mark called after her as Cristina arrived at his shoulder.

'Who the hell was that? She nearly ruined my face...' He asked as Cristina looked left and right, desperate for a sight of Mer, but saw no one.

'I mean, she works here right? How have I never seen her before Yang...she's hot...'

'Shut up...just shut up...She is my friend...and you aren't to go anywhere near her you understand Me, if you don't want your balls to be coming out of your mouth anytime soon then I suggest you clear your dirty mind...now' cristina raged

'Whoa Yang...if you and her are doing the girl on girl thing, that's fine with me..., can I watch?' mark retaliated

'Ass' Cristina responded as she ran at mark, her knee held high ready to hit his crown jewels...

Mark dodged out of the way in time, glad that his boys where intact...man she is feisty he thought to himself.

Cristina ran past mark out into the rain, marks eyes following her every move eager to see what was going on.

'she went to the left' mark called after her, an instruction that made cristina stop and turn to face back towards mark, grateful for his help

'Thanks...I'm sorry about the...'

'Its ok, she went left...go...'

Cristina didn't let him finish his sentence as she quickly Mer hanging onto a nearby tree, soaked from the rain, bent over; emptying what little was in her stomach onto the ground.

'Mer?' Cristina approached quietly, not wanting to spook her friend

'Mer?' what happened?' she asked as she came up alongside Meredith and placed her hand on her back, rubbing circles to sooth her pain

'I'm ok, I'll be ok...'

'What happened?'

'Not now ok...just...not now...' Meredith wiped her mouth, nothing left to be come up now...Alex would be mad...he couldn't know...Not about the sick anyway...

Cristina wrapped her arm around Meredith and started back towards the hospital with her friend...as they approached the ER door Meredith looked up and noticed Mark staring at her

'You tell anyone ever...' Meredith spoke directly at mark, as she walked past back into the hospital

Mark looked on curiously, he didn't even know who she was, and she was already giving him orders...HOT he couldn't help think to himself...apart from the tears and the sick...whoever this new doctor was...was hot...he would have to ask Derek who she was.

Derek sat with Danny for a while longer, in body at least, his mind had long ago wandered to Meredith, to where she had gone, to why she had reacted in such a way, to why she was in so much pain...

He headed down the corridor, wondering if he should try and find her...or if she would want to be on her own...really it was none of his business, he knew that, but, the other night in the bar...there had been a mutual recognition that they could be friends...and a friend would check on another friend if they knew they were upset, wouldn't they?

As he continued down the corridor, he noticed Alex up ahead, alone. He took a deep breath and realised if anyone knew where she was it would be him...after all they where...well he didn't even know what they where, but they where something, and as much as that made him sick to the stomach, he had no right to be jealous...

'Where is she?' he asked as he got closer, catching Alex by surprise

'Where's who?' Alex asked, intrigued as to what had made shepherd approach him, he hated him, everyone knew that.

'Mer...Dr Worthington...I just wondered where she was...after...'

'After what? Dude spit it out already; you make a crap mumbling fool'

'Surgery was hard, we lost a patient, Meredith...Dr Worthington took it hard, she ran, I just wanted to make...'

Alex didn't give Derek a chance to answer, as he dropped the notes he was working on onto the nurses' station he had being leaning on and fled down the corridor.

Derek stayed rooted to the spot in the corridor, Alex hadn't known? But the minute he heard he had ran to find her, he obviously did really care...but he hadn't known, Mer hadn't sought him out...where was she.

'Man, why is it every time I find you today you look like you're a million miles away?' mark asked as he hit Derek on the arm

'Sorry...just worried...about a friend' Derek said, confusion in his voice, he needed to know she was ok, but Alex had gone to her, Cristina probably already had her somewhere...she wouldn't need him...

'so there's this hot new doctor, resident maybe I dunno, but man, she is HOT, even when she is crying and throwing her guts up in the rain with Yang chasing after her...she is still HOT...I think I need to...

'What?' Derek interrupted at the mention of Yang...and the crying...Meredith...

'A hot new doctor Derek...like...beautiful hot...'

'No, not that bit...the bit about Yang, and the sick...?'

'Why would you be interested in that part when I'm telling you that I've laid eyes on my next conquest?'

Derek couldn't believe what Mark was saying and turned to face his best friend

'listen to me, and listen to me good...this is one woman you are going to leave the hell alone do you hear me...she doesn't need you chasing after her and then walking away...she doesn't need that...' Derek couldn't keep the anger out of his voice; he didn't mean to flare up at his best friend, but for some reason, where Meredith was concerned the thought of Mark even breathing the same air space as her worried him...

'Man, what's going on...have you already? What am I missing? First Yang warns me off and now you...' Mark looked at his best friend, confused at the response.

'Nothing, just leave it and tell me where the hell she was heading, please?' Derek was desperate now, Meredith had been sick...she was in so much pain...

'I just don't get what's so important...awww what's wrong did you see her first...scared of a little competition?' Mark tried to lighten the mood, but it fell on deaf ears...

'There is no competition, that's already won...

'What?'

'Karev...' Derek replied quietly 'Karev got there first...they are happy or something'

'well she certainly didn't look happy as she threw up all over the floor by the big tree near the parking lot...and...Crap...'

'What?

'She told me I wasn't allowed to tell anyone ever...'

'She spoke to you? well she won't know you told me will she...Look, I can't explain now, not here, but I have to find her, Meredith left my OR in a state, she ran out of the waiting room when I broke the news to Bonnies fiancé, she was in pieces...I need to find her...' Derek set off down to the ER, he would just have to find Cristina and ask where she was...if he could find her...he could find Meredith surely.

Neither noticed Addison approaching behind them, just hidden out of sight thinking to herself that this must be the 'she' he was speaking of...a she that she would need to meet...Meredith...

The hospital had quietened down a lot since the mass hysteria of earlier that evening, patients where in beds, in ORs or sent home, all patched up, doctors where catching a few minutes sleep before they had to be up for a new shift, and Derek was wandering the halls desperate to find Meredith, to check she was ok. He had seen Cristina earlier, running into the OR, so he knew she wasn't with Mer anymore...but he knew she must be here somewhere...they would leave together...surely.

As he opened doors, and peered inside, he got slightly more disappointed as every minute passed, and still no joy.

He was about to give up and take himself into an on call room, if he could just find an empty bed...he tried a few rooms and every bed was taken so headed for the on call room at the far end of the corridor, the one that was always so light, that people found it hard to sleep in there, if anywhere would have a free bed, it would be there.

As he opened the door, he could make out the shadow of two people in the bottom bunk to the right, far away from the window, a blanket make a make shift curtain, trying to block some light out so it was darker in the room then he had expected. As he looked around he noticed the other two beds in the room where empty, the bunk above the 'couple' and the single bed that fitted underneath the window sill. He took the window bed and as he crawled into bed, he somehow managed to pull down the blanket that has been acting as a curtain.

'Crap' he thought to himself as he jumped up to retrieve the blanket as the light flooded the room. As he stood back up before reattaching the cover he looked over at the bed, and his breathe caught in the back of his throat

Meredith and Alex...


	17. Chapter 17 Married?

**Chapter 17 – married?**

He knew something was going on, he had heard Cristina on the phone, watched Alex run to find Mer earlier, seen them in the cafeteria when he nuzzled into her neck...but seeing them there, so close, was surprisingly painful...he wanted to be a friend to Meredith, to be there for her, but seeing her there, her head on Alex's chest, his arm around her, holding her close...he couldn't help but wonder if she had room for a friend right now...

He turned away from the pair, he had to sleep, he was exhausted and if he thought there would be a spare bed anywhere he would get up and leave, but there wasn't, and the couch in his office was just too small, and he didn't want to waste any more time looking, so he made sure that blanket was fitted back up over the window, casting a shadow that unfortunately left the 'couple' illuminated in the moonlight. Derek turned away from them, he might know they where there but he didn't need to watch...

As Derek closed his eyes, his thoughts returned to Meredith...he still wanted to talk to her, see if she was ok...and even though it was hard to admit...Alex was obviously being a good friend...and more...but he was grateful that she had someone to turn to, she obviously needed it.

Derek lay awake for a few minutes, replaying the day's events, he hated days like today, he hated losing patients, it was such a waste of life, and it never got any easier to deal with, not really, and any surgeon who told you otherwise must have a heart of stone, or be really good liars he thought to himself. It wasn't too long before he drifted off into a much needed sleep, his body relaxed, and his mind cleared of all the worries and stresses of the day, he had been asleep a good 2 hours when suddenly something jolted him from his slumber...it took him a few seconds to realise where he was, and that there was a noise in the room...he was disorientated after the sudden waking from such a deep deep sleep...

'No, No, please...oh my god no...'

Derek turned over in bed with a start... 'Meredith?'

As his eyes tried to adjust to the dimly lit room, he remembered she had been asleep in the other bed...with Alex- when he fell asleep.

'Not now...please... NO!'

He turned over onto his side and looked over to the bed that had previously held the sleeping pair, and to his amazement (and relief if he was honest) Meredith was alone. Had she just called out though?

'Nnnnnnnooo, please... you've got to try...' Meredith whimpered from the bed, Derek sat bolt upright in bed and looked towards Meredith.

Her body was thrashing around in the bed now, as if she was hitting someone...and she was sobbing...really sobbing...about Bonnie?

''please no, he can't be...don't stop...' Meredith screamed, very much still asleep but getting more agitated with every second that passed. She was kicking and screaming now in her sleep, and he could hear the terror in her voice...

'He?' Derek thought to himself, as he placed two feet on the floor and slowly walked towards the bed Meredith occupied.

'She is your friend Derek, She is your friend...' he chanted to himself, unsure how to approach Mer, to stop her nightmare, to bring her back.

He slowly approached the bed and whispered her name, hoping it might be enough to rouse her

'Meredith...Meredith...'

But nothing...he knew he couldn't just sit there and watch her in pain, he was so close now that he could see the tears streaming down her face...her face in pain, hurting, agony.

He tried to sit her up in the bed, placing a hand on each arm and pulling her forwards as he repeatedly called her name...he didn't want to startle her, or scare her when she realised it was him waking her up.

'Meredith, wake up, please, Its Derek, open your eyes' he repeated as he tightened the grip on her arms to stop her thrashing around...'

'Meredith' he said louder this time and shook her body slightly

'Will... nooooooo' she wailed as her eyes opened, and he found himself staring right into her beautiful pools of jade

'What the...what are you doing...here...?' Meredith stutturred over her words as she struggled out of Derek's grip

'You where dreaming Mer, a night mare, screaming...I'm sorry I was worried...I just wanted to hel...'

'Where's Alex?' she demanded, cutting him off, not giving him a chance to finish

'I had this crappy, awful, mind altering day...and Alex, he was here...we fell asleep, he was here...'

'I know, I saw him, but I guess he got paged away or something...'

'You saw him...us?'

'Yeah this was the only spare bed, I had to take it...I didn't mean to intrude on you both...'

'Intrude..? What? No, it's ok...there was nothing to...Alex was just being a good friend or something'

'Friend?' Derek asked a little too quickly, a move that made Meredith look up and lock eyes with Derek once again

'yes friend...why...never mind...he just always seems to know what to say, I know other people think he is an ass...and a frat guy...but he has a heart...he has a lot of love to give...to the right person'

Derek didn't understand that last comment...to the right person? Did that mean she wasn't the right person for him? They were friends...just friends? He tried to stop thinking about whatever it was that was going on between Meredith and Alex, what was important now was helping Meredith...however she needed.

'Meredith, you where dreaming, screaming, it was bad, you where hurting...you where hurting today...?' Derek spoke softly, as he sat down on the edge of the bed; Meredith sat herself up against the wall, pulled her knees into her chest...but her eyes not leaving Derek.

'I was...' Meredith offered,

'I get that something is going on with you, and right now, I'm not going to pry, you have got the weight of the world on your shoulders, or so it seems...but remember what I said the other night...I'm a very good friend...' he let a small smile cover his face, as he looked over at Meredith, she returned the smile, and he was relieved to see the tears where slowly drying up, she moved the hair out of her eyes, and wiped some of the tears off her cheeks.

'I'm sorry, you shouldn't have had to witness that, you'll think I'm crazy...and Bailey already thinks that after today I'm sure, and you...you probably thinking a crazy woman is on the lose...'

'Meredith, no one thinks that...I promise...I tried to find you after...to see if you where ok...but you're very hard to find...I wanted to make sure you where'

'I'm ok...I'm ok...'

'You don't have to pretend Meredith, there is no judging here, not from me...believe me, it was hard today with Bonnie...really hard...if it makes you feel any better...I cried too. They don't tell you when you become a doctor it's gonna be like this. They don't tell you that you lose more patients than you save... I'm sick of the death.'

'I'm sorry...'

'I know Mer...Me to'

'I'm sick of the death too...' she whispered and looked up, her eyes meeting Derek's once again as she realised today's events had hurt him too...

'Thank you...really...thank you...it's just so soon, so soon after...and...I'm an avoider, Cristina says it should be my middle name, well after tequila...she says my mother should have christened me 'Meredith Elizabeth Tequila Avoider Grey' but that's just silly, that's ...

She let her head drop to her chest, she had said to much, Grey...why did she have to mention Grey...her mother...he would know that wasn't her name, not anymore... she shuffled up off the bed and moved towards the door she had to get out of here...she suddenly felt claustrophobic, like the walls where creeping in...like the truth was creeping in...

'Grey? Hang on...what?' Derek asked, as he watched Meredith run for the door, why Meredith would refer to herself as Grey...Grey... if there was such a thing as a surgical royal family then Ellis Grey was the queen...

'Meredith...Wait...' he pleaded with her to stop and was surprised when she did; Meredith turned slowly, her eyes fixed on the floor,

'Meredith?' he whispered again, quietly...

'Grey's my...I'm married...


	18. Chapter 18 she runs, she avoids

**Chapter 18 – she runs, she avoids**

'_Greys my...I'm married...' _

She has whispered the words and then fled, she didn't wait to see his reaction, she just left him sitting on the bed, wondering what the hell was going on, she didn't even look at him as she said it, so now he knew, something anyway. She hadn't meant to say anything, this was the last thing she wanted, she didn't want other people knowing, not like this, but he was there, and she had slipped up with the mention of her mother's name, her maiden name, so now he knew, except he didn't know not really and she felt bad for leaving it like she had.

She ran back down the corridors that had earlier held the carnage and devastation from the train crash, Bonnie, her heart broke thinking of what had had to happen earlier, she knew what he would be going through now, and that made her heart break even more.

She ran past the nurse's station, and didn't hear Bailey and Cristina both call after her as she continued to flee the on call room.

She ran to the locker room, undressed and took herself into the shower, the water felt hot against her skin, the devastation and hurt slowly running down the drain, her tears following too.

She slid down the shower wall, pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged her knees, rocking slowly forwards and backwards as her eyes fixated on the drain, just gone in an instant.

'Mer? Is that you?'

She looked up towards the shower door as she heard Cristina outside in the bathroom.

'Mer?'

'I'm In here' she tried to hold back the sobs, but they didn't go unnoticed by Cristina

'Look Mer I'm coming in, and I get that your naked right now, so just be as decent as you can be and we never speak of this again'

Cristina pushed the door open, and was surprised when she couldn't see Meredith in front of her, she was alerted by the sobs though, and she moved her eyes down, to the corner of the shower to see a broken Meredith

'Oh Mer' her heart broke for Meredith; it was so hard to watch her friend have to go through all of this. She didn't deserve it, she was so innocent, and she had done nothing to deserve this pain.

Cristina stepped into the shower, ignoring the fact that she was still in scrubs, and that her pager was still attached at her hip, she reached up and turned the water off and sat herself down next to Meredith, as the last few drips of the shower began to soak through her scrubs.

'Mer I know today was an impossible day for you Bonnie must have been hard, your first loss, but please, I'm begging you, don't push me away, don't push your friends away, let us help. If you can't talk to me then Alex, Derek?'

Meredith's head reacted instantly

'Der, Derek, What...'

'Dr Shepherd, if you think he could be a friend, then that's someone else you could confide in, if you needed too.'

'But, Derek? How?'

'I mean if you can get past the god like complex, the overly moussed hair and the soon to be ex wife thing then I'm sure he can make a...'

'Wife? What...what do you mean wife, ex wife?'

'the bitch who is making Alex's life hell on OBGYN is the same bitter soon to be ex wife who apparently is making Dr shepherd life hell too, remember we told you about it?'

'He's married?'

'_Grey's my...I'm married'_

Had she really just said that, he wasn't imagining it, married? Meredith Worthington - Meredith Grey was married, and obviously not to Karev.

He sat on the edge of the bed just staring at the door that she had fled through, frozen to the spot, unsure what to think, other than confusion.

He knew Meredith had a lot going on in her life, that much was clear, and she was married, happily married? Divorcing? He just didn't have a clue what all of this meant. He hadn't noticed a ring on her finger, he wasn't been naive, there was definitely no ring. He hated cheating, despised it, he just couldn't get his head around any of this. Why had she ran?

'What does this mean' he whispered to himself.

His body felt so heavy and exhausted as he dragged himself up off the bed and walked towards the door, he knew he wouldn't see her, that she would have ran, but he looked anyway, left and right, just hoping for a glance, for some answers. Not that he deserved them, he knew she didn't owe him anything, but she's married. He shook his head, trying to make clear of the situation. He was married (technically). she was married - but to who?

He wanted to find her, to talk to her, she obviously had so much to deal with and he had promised to be a good friend, but she had ran.

She always seemed to do that, he had noticed that already, she had admitted it herself. she ran, she avoided.

'Shep?' the chief called Derek from where he was waiting from by the elevator 'you're still here?'

'Yeah, long night, grabbed a few hours in an on call room. I was just going to ask if you could get someone to cover my rounds this morning' he said as he ran his fingers back through his hair, 'I just have some stuff I need to...'

'Dr Shepherd? Are you free? We've got an incoming head trauma and the ER is overrun with flu season...' Bailey appeared and didn't give Derek time to finish his request.

He nodded, silently, and walked off behind her he would just have to look for her a little bit later on, if she would let him find her.

As they rode in the elevator down to the ER, he couldn't help but think how crazy all of this was. He hardly knew anything about Meredith apart from the fact she liked tequila, apparently wasn't in a relationship with karev and she was married. He also knew that she was broken, her heart was fragmented, her head was a mess, it was obvious,he had got the latter just from spending time with her for a few short hours, from waking her from a nightmare, from watching her run, she was broken and he couldn't get rid of the feeling in his heart that he had to help her, that she needed his help. He couldn't push her, not yet, it was almost like one more problem would shatter her into thousands of pieces.

She had Cristina and Alex, he knew that, but she could have him too, if she would let herself. He had to be her friend, he had to know she was alright.

The next two hours flew by, CT results showed the patient needed a craniotomy, he had tried paging Meredith, it was worth a shot but there was no response. Karev was the only resident around so Derek had to ask him to scrub in.

'Karev'

'Yeah' Alex said wondering what Derek wanted

'I have a craniotomy, OR2. I would have asked Mere, Dr Worthington, the neuro resident but she's not answering her pages so it's yours if you want to scrub in?'

'Seriously – brains. I'm '

'Its ok. it's big, can you handle it?'

'Dude of course I'm a rock star.'

Derek lifted his eye brows at karev.

''sorry was a joke, and for the record Meredith won't be answering your pages, cristina took her home, last night was tough on her, she needs a day away from the place, again which I know sounds crazy But she needs time.'

'Its ok Karev you don't have to explain, I get it.'

'You do?'

'I'm a brain surgeon, I notice things.'

'Cocky' Alex muttered under his breathe

'Not god like?'

Alex blushed 'what, how?

'Girls talk karev and Dr Worthingtons rambles gave you away'

'It was a joke, you get that right...I mean...I can still scrub in;'

'Relax, the surgery is yours, can I just ask one thing?'

'Sure'

'Meredith - is she ok?' he looked up and Alex held his gaze,

Alex had no clue why he was asking about Meredith, but something in the way he was looking at him, just made him see that he was genuinely concerned,

' really but that's not my story to tell, I hope you can understand that'

'of course, see you in the OR' he said as he walked off to scrub in, at least he wasn't imagining things – she wasn't ok and karev had told him that. maybe he wasn't so bad after all.

The surgery went way over time, complications and panic had set in but Derek was impressed with Karev. He had kept his cool, shown real resilience in the OR and been a great help to him, when the patient had coded for the second time, even he had to admit he was scared he couldn't fix it. He was going to lose someone else, first Bonnie, then the lady on the table but it had been Alex who had talked him down off the ceiling, instilled faith in him, and together they had saved her life. Karev had done well!

'You did great work in their Karev'

'Thank you Dr Shepherd, thanks'

'I mean it; maybe I was wrong about you.'

'Wrong? Wrong how?'

'I thought you were too cocky, arrogant, you get the picture but seeing you at work in the OR back there, you were good, you are good. You will be an amazing attending surgeon one day Dr Worthington was right about you'

'Meredith? You spoke to Meredith about me?'

'yeah, sorry the other night in Joes, she told me you acted like a brainless jock but you where anything but that. On first impressions I didn't believe her and I'm sorry for that. I know I haven't exactly been nice to you these last few months and I'm sorry.'

'You were in Joes? With Mer?'

'Yeah just a drink, few nachos, she's my resident. It was nothing. I just kept her company, saved her from drowning in a bath of tequila.'

'Oh.'

'Oh?'

'its just you are getting a divorce, I get that you have been in pain but Meredith, Meredith isn't the person you screw to get over being screwed ok?'

'What...I would never, I know people seem to think I'm a jerk, I admit it, I was for a while back there, that's what marrying Satan does to you, it messes with your head, but now, weeks away from finalising the divorce, I feel free, like I've got a second chance at my life and I would never treat anyone the way that Addison treats people. Meredith is broken, I can see that Alex. I would never want to hurt her.'

'Satan huh?' Alex chuckled as he looked over at Derek, seeing for the first time maybe, a man who genuinely meant what he said,

'Can you think of any other way to describe her?

'No I think you got it covered in one word - Satan!' Alex laughed, half at the response and half in disbelief that he was standing her, making small talk with Derek, and not hating it.

'But seriously dude you can't make moves on Mer'

'I get it, I'm not going to but I could be her friend, a friend would be ok, wouldn't it?

'Yeah I guess you're right. she needs friends but she needs time. you can't pressure her, into anything.'

'I wouldn't, i'd mever.'

'Joes? Beer? Just one? Celebrate fact I kicked ass in the neuro world today?' Alex asked, what the hell if he was going to be Meredith's friend then he might as well make an effort too. check out his credentials as a friend.

'Yeah but scotch, beer is for residents.'Derek laughed as he walked out of the scrub room with Alex and headed to his office to get changed.

He wanted to have a drink with Alex he really did but he needed to tell him too about the nightmare he had witnessed, about her confession, he had to know that he knew something.


	19. Chapter 19 I can get ready

**Chapter 19 – I can get ready**

Derek and Alex enjoyed a few drinks, it wasn't late so they had took advantage of more than one...and if he was honest Derek felt kind of bad for judging Alex when he first met him, and all the days after that...he obviously cared for Mer, and had more of a heart then he would have ever realised. He was a good guy. He was one of the good ones! Someone had blurred his opinion before - Addison!

'So' Derek was nervous as he shelled nuts and threw the cases on the side

'dude, spit it out already, I know you have wanted to ask something, so just do it already before you turn grey.'

'Grey. Yeah, about that?'

Alex looked up, wondering where this was going the way he had said Grey...

'last night the only bed I could find was in the same on call room as Meredith and yourself, I knocked the fabric off the window, and saw the two of you, in the bed, and well I didn't know what to think but I just ashamed you where together, or something'

'Together, me and Mer, No, Never. I loved her...really love her...'

Derek looked up, nervous to where Alex was taking this.

'Love her like a sister love her, not the marrying love. She is like my best friend and my sister rolled into one.'

Derek breathed a sigh of relief, unaware he had been holding his breath for the response.

Something that didn't go unnoticed by Alex

'Anyway a few hours later I thought I heard a scream, someone crying out, they where hurting, at first thought I was dreaming...but then it came again and I realised it was Meredith.'

'She was dreaming? In the on call room?'

'Yeah. It was pretty bad. She looked petrified.'

'Was anyone else in the room?'

'What? No, no one else, you had gone I found out when I looked over to the bed to see what was happening, and she was in pieces, fast asleep but in pieces, thrashing around, screaming, and begging. So I woke her, I had no choice I had to'

'Was she ok?'

'Not really, which I guess has something to do with the fact that she's in pain, and that she's not ok...'

'Yeah – look man, thank you, for helping her, did you manage to calm her? Last time I had to sleep with her all night just to get her to relax, and that was after she had hit me many times, she's tough for one so small...'

'Last time? This happens a lot?'

'Yeah, you could say that. It's., often – very often, ever since...'

'look Alex I'm not going to press you for information, I'm not that person, and if in time Meredith wants to talk to me about anything she can, but she said something, something big...'

'Go on.'Alex looked at Derek, confused, and scared of the words that where going to come out of his mouth.

'She told me she was a Grey...that Grey was her maiden name. She's married?'

Alex was speechless...Mer had made them swear no one was to find anything out...and she had told him that, so soon, she had known him, what, hours? A couple of days at the most...

'She was scared, and upset and she ran so she didn't explain or give me details or anything but married I know she is married.'

'She is, was, man I don't even no...but it's not my story to tell...I can't comment on what she said, I hope you understand...I'm impressed she told you that much, so soon, she obviously trusts you...so I'm begging you, please, give her time...she is worth it.'

Cristina had brought Meredith home, she was in no fit state to be in the hospital, bailey had been great in understanding she was hurting, but even Meredith was beginning to realise perhaps it would be harder to keep her mouth shut about everything then she thought.

She had already admitted too much to brain surgeons with perfect hair, how much longer could she run away from her problems. Maybe Bailey deserved to know - so she didn't think Meredith was a crazy who couldn't cope with losing a patient and maybe, maybe she should tell Derek, they were friends...or something. Friends don't keep secrets, but then, he was married too and he hadn't told her...

Cristina sat up on the bed, resting against the headboard, and Meredith lay out across the foot of the bed on her stomach flicking through last night's paper.

'So he is married?' Meredith asked, desperate to get a response from cristina, she couldn't let it go, she needed to know more, which she knew made her a hypocrite as she was already regretting her slip to Derek but she needed to know...

'Huh?'

'Derek...Dr Shepherd? He is the hot shot neuro surgeon who – how did you put it – queen bitch Dr Montgomery broke?'

'What do you care, it's not like you had drinks with him in Joes or anything...'

Meredith looked up, in shock

'What? How? How do you know that?'

'Joe. He is scared of me...threatened his balls on a plate once and he has never forgotten it.'

'Seriously...'

'Seriously! Now shoot. What's the deal? You and mcdreamy had drinks, you get to operate with him, and now you want to know about his wife?'

'Ex wife...'

'Not yet! Until those papers are signed they are still mcmarried if rumour is true she's trying to fight like hell to win him back and he grew a back bone and put her down like no ones business!'

'She wants him back? He grew a...what...how do you know all this...'

'Straight from the horse's mouth, well no that doesn't work, she looks more like the horse, straight from the - brains mouth...or something.'

'Derek...Derek confided in you about his marriage woes?' Meredith asked, confused

'Mcdreamy and I, talking, come on seriously! No...But I might have over heard him on the phone calling her a whore, pointing out a few home truths, belittling her begging! He grew a pair that's for sure...'

'Cristina!' Meredith couldn't help but laugh at her friend's description of what she had heard

'What it's true. He used to follow her around like a little lap dog, at her beckon call...he was whipped, and not in a good way but since the split...even though he is arrogant, and rude at times...he became more bearable.'

'Arrogant and rude hey...sounds familiar...' Meredith laughed as she threw the cushion at Cristina!

'No wonder you like us both'

'what, no, I don't, not like you are trying to make out, I like him, and I like you...and Alex, Alex I like too, but he is...he could be...a friend or something...he's nice...'

'just be careful Mer, he doesn't know your situation, he is a man, and you are beautiful, his brain is properly in his dick, which for a brain surgeon is very disturbing. I mean you are his resident. His neuro resident and if his brain is in his dick then that's just wrong on so many levels. You can't work near his...brain...'

'He could be my friend Cristina, I'm allowed friends...and his brain is in the right place, I'm sure.'

'I know Mer, I'm not saying you're not, I swear, but look at it like this, at the moment, honestly you have 2 close friends in this world, me and Alex, and we know you inside out, we know everything...so when you need us, we can be there, like friends are meant to be.

'I know, I know...'

'Do you?'

'yeah...if I want him to be my friend then we need to talk, he needs to know the truth...friends tell each other things, and I have things, big things...and he deserves to know something more than I'm married...'

'He knows you're married?'

'Yeah, long story, but he knows, I slipped up...so he knows I'm married...and then I ran...'

'Then I think you need to talk...if you're ready...'

'I'm not ready right now, but I can get ready...'


	20. Chapter 20 What are you?

**Chapter 20 – what are you?**

Bailey had refused to let Meredith work for the next few days, she had turned up the next morning but had been sent packing as soon as Bailey had seen her with instructions to rest and take time for herself. She had argued at first, but when Alex had physically picked her up and but her back in the car and drove her back home she knew she had no choice.

Three days, she could manage three days...

She existed for three days, there was no other way to put it really, Bailey had made sure that Alex or Cristina was always home at some point with her, so that she wasn't alone, and she took it upon herself to call her every day, to let her know if she needed anything she was there!

Meredith was touched by Baileys caring nature towards her and knew that soon she would have to tell her more.

Derek was kept busy the next few days - aneurisms needed clipping and tumors needed shriking, and even though he had only had Meredith on his service for little over a couple of days he had to admit that he missed her. Not that he could let on to anyone... he wasn't even as focused on the fact that she was married, he had to admit he was shocked, but he had no right, after all by law he was still married too. He was hoping to have Cristina or Alex on his service just to ask after her...he wanted to see her so bad, and ask himself, but he didn't even know where she lived.

He didn't go home for those three days, if he wasn't in surgery, then he was in meetings, writing reports and avoiding Addison...who, he had to admit was unusually quiet.

Three days later and Meredith woke up before the alarm, Bailey had rang before bed, to check in on Meredith, but Meredith had insisted she would be fine to return to work in the morning, that she had to be back. Bailey had taken some convincing and Meredith had put up a very good fight that in the end she had agreed, under one condition, for the next few days Meredith was to be on her service, general. Meredith had agreed at once, it was medicine, she would take anything right now, she had to fight this head on...it wasn't neuro, but at least she could be back.

Cristina and Alex didn't have to be in till later, Cristina had offered to ride in with her, but Meredith had turned her down, she had to do this, on her own, cristina and Alex needed sleep, between the horrors of the hospital, and them taking it in shifts to look after her they were exhausted! She could do this.

She looked over at the clock as 4.04 flashed before her, she didn't have to be by bailey's side until 5.30 but she figured there was no point going back to sleep, she would probably sleep through the alarm, so she dragged herself up out of bed pulled on her jeans and a grey sweater and headed downstairs to face the day.

As she walked into the Kitchen, she noticed coffee in the machine already bubbling...and a brown paper bag with a note attached...

'_haven't been in long...got paged back in to check on a patient, so got rest of the day off now...figured you might need this... C xx'_

Meredith stared into the little brown bag and noticed the tuna sandwiches sitting inside the bag, with an apple and yoghurt, lunch! Meredith smiled at herself, she had amazing friends there was no denying it!

She filled her travel mug with coffee, grabbed the lunch bag before heading off to the waiting taxi to take her to the hospital. She didn't want to drive in by herself...she would just get a lift back later with Alex or something.

She was early, she knew that but she was already worried what people where thinking about her, she had to make a good impression, she didn't want Bailey, Derek or anyone else thinking that she wasn't up to the job! She had to put a brave face on; she had to get through today.

She headed towards the elevator and was surprised to see an out of order sign hung across the door, she smiled to herself, normally she would be late, panicking, but she had all the time in the world, so she headed towards the stairs...

At the top of the corridor, Derek was just appearing, out of his office, he had stayed last night to work on some paper work, and grabbed a few uncomfortable minutes sleep on the tiny couch that took up part of his office. He was tired; he rubbed his eyes and began his morning ritual hunt for coffee.

His senses where alerted immediately, the smell, he knew that smell, already he knew that she was here, somewhere...he looked up and noticed Meredith a few metres in front of him heading towards the locker room. He looked down at his watch 4:40, it was early, too early for rounds, yet she was here...she was back.

She entered an empty locker room, no one else was here yet, it was too early, so she quickly changed into her scrubs, and laid back on the couch on the far side of the room, waiting for her shift to start, she closed her eyes for what felt like a few seconds before the aroma of fresh coffee filled her nostrils. She opened her eyes, assuming that the other residents were arriving and was surprised to see Derek, sitting at the table on the other side of the room, two coffees in front of him.

'Morning' he whispered with a small smile across his face, eager not to alarm her...

'Are you watching me sleep?' Meredith asked as she sat up

'Maybe...' Derek laughed, hoping that she wouldn't be angry that he had invaded her space in the locker room...

'What are you? Some kind of weirdo who watches women sleep? Meredith laughed, and Derek breathed a sigh of relief at her reaction

'maybe...I noticed you arrive, its early, too early for your shift so I thought you might be hungry...' he pushed over a muffin towards Meredith... 'and coffee, who doesn't want coffee at this time of the day...' he smiled as Meredith stood up and walked towards the table, she eyed the muffin, smiled over at Derek and sat down at the table.

'Thanks' she whispered as she picked the muffin up and began to mess with the wrapper.

'You can eat it...its good...' Derek offered, relieved as Meredith took the first bite

'Its good thanks...really...thanks' she said, as she swallowed the first few mouthfuls.

The room remained silent as Meredith continued to eat her muffin; Derek just sat quietly drinking his coffee, but his eyes never leaving her...

He had made a promise to himself to make sure she ate breakfast, so he was relieved to see her enjoying it, the breakfast had been a way in, she was married, she had told him that much...but he couldn't push her...if she wanted to talk...he would be around...he would make sure he was around if and when she did decide to open up to him.

Meredith looked over at him, she was touched that he had brought her breakfast, she knew he probably had a million and one questions but she really appreciated that he wasn't asking them right now. If she was honest, she had some of her own, about his marriage, his wife, ex wife...but she wouldn't push that yet either, she had to respect his silence, in the same way he was respecting hers. But something in the back of her head was telling her she had to say something; he had made the first real step to friendship with breakfast...after everything that he had heard...he had still shown up...she had to give him something...

'Derek...'

'Yeah' he looked up surprised she was speaking, he wasn't expecting anything, and he was prepared for the silence

'I know you probably have a million questions...I can't blame you...but I cant...not yet...and I hope you understand...but this' she said pointing between the coffee, muffin wrapper and Derek 'you, just being here, and not saying anything, it helps...' she smiled as Derek as she spoke as Derek offered her a supporting smile and nodded his head.

'It helps'

Meredith had a busy morning, but for once she had a little bit more energy then normal after her surprise breakfast from Derek. He had been paged as she was still finishing off her coffee, but had mentioned something about catching up with her later...and if she was honest she was kind of missing neuro, general was ok, but brains...she missed the complexity of their existence and couldn't wait to get back to his service...to neuro, she shook her head, nothing to do with the surgeon, neuro was her love...William was her love.

She was pleased to see Alex up ahead resting on the nurses' station filling out some notes

'Hey'

'Hey yourself, how are you feeling?' he asked offering her the coffee he had been sipping

'I'm good, so far I'm good...so you where out late...who was the lucky lady?' Meredith giggled as she took the coffee off Alex

'Lady...nope not this time...lucky man would be closer to the...'

'What!' Meredith spluttered as she spat coffee out over Alex's notes...

'Not like that Mer...Jeeez haven't you known me long enough to know it's all about the ladies for me...'

'But, just the way, you said...'

'Mer, get your head out of the gutter, I thought I was the one with the one track mind around here...' he laughed as he wiped off the coffee stains from his notes...

'I'm sorry...about the notes...and the man on man thing...'

'You will be' he laughed

'So...who was the lucky guy...?' Meredith smirked as Alex threw her a look of horror...

'Mer...'

'I know I know not like that...but anyway...spill...'

'Shepherd, it was shepherd...'

'You kept Shepherd company al night? The same shepherd you think has a God Complex...? She asked, confusion written all over her face...'

'yeah I scrubbed in on a corpus-callosotomy with him...he would have paged you first...but you where still at home...so I stepped up and saved his arse and scrubbed in with him...'

'But you don't like Derek, I mean Dr Shepherd...?'

'maybe I was wrong about him...no I was wrong about him...I actually think he is one of the good guys, the other night it got ropey in the OR, the patient crashed twice, Derek's head was anywhere but in the OR, he needed help, I helped...he went up in my estimations, and I think I went up in his...so we hit Joes...'

'you went to Joes, with Derek?' she couldn't quite fit all the pieces together...they hated each other or something...that much had been obvious from day one...

'Yeah and I gotta say he is a great drinking partner, the attention he gets off the girls is phenomenal... '

Meredith looked up as Alex spoke, he gets attention from girls...Derek...she shook her head, it doesn't matter to her, he is her boss and friend or whatever...of course he would get attention he is...

'Mer are you listening...'

'What, yeah sorry, miles away!'

'So this scrub nurse, rose I think she's called, she tried her best to chat him up, it was embarrassing really, he is the king of the put down, he really put the plant in her place...'

'so you stayed with Derek...you didn't both go your separate way with nurses named after plants or what ever...' she tried to make a joke, all the time not understanding why the thought of Derek getting chatted up at the bar was bothering her...he was her friend.

'No Mer, he wanted to talk...and to be honest I'm glad I listened...he told me...

'Yeah'

'He told me that you told him you were married...he mentioned Grey...'

'And?'

'and nothing Mer, that's why I know he is one of the good ones, he knows there is something, but he didn't push to find out what it was...he didn't even try to con it out of me with more beer...he just let it out there that he knew...and he just needed to know you where ok...'

'He didn't push? For anything...?'

'No, like I said...'

Meredith couldn't help but smile to herself, other people would never be able to let something like her confession go...the suspense would be too much...but he hadn't pressed her, or her friends, he had respected her...

The rest of her shift flew by, she got to help Bailey with a kidney stones removal operation, which wasn't exactly the excitement of great surgeries, but it was surgery all the same, and she got through it, she had got through a shift...and as silly as it might sound to anyone else...she was glad nobody had died today...

'Meredith? Bailey approached the seat in the waiting room where Meredith had chosen to fill out the post op notes

'what are you doing in here? What are you doing here at all...your shift was over three quarters of an hour ago...?'

'I just thought I'd get these done, it won't take long, I'd rather keep on top of everything...from day one...I already feel behind after a break...so the notes and the catching up...that I can do...' she felt her voice break slightly, but was determined she would not break down, not today...

'Meredith?' Bailey noticed the shaking in Meredith's voice but didn't push her, she just let her know she was there by placing her hand on top of Meredith's and that held the pen, to stop her writing

'you know...I'm not tired...I could stay...help out in the pit or whatever...or your post ops? Any other post ops I could write up...I might as well stay here...until...'

'until what Meredith? Why would you want to stay? You have already done a 15 hour day...'

'I could keep going though, I'm awake, and eager and...I could stay...'

'Meredith, I would love for you to stay, but if you stay now, then there will be no time for you to go home and get some sleep, before your shift starts tomorrow, and tomorrow you will be sorry,...'

'I could grab a few minutes in an on call room...or something...'

'go home Meredith...'

'I...cant...' Meredith said, holding back the tears, she would not cry, not again, she had to be strong 'its just...it's not...not really...it still doesn't feel like my home. And I'd be alone...cristina and Alex still have 6 hours to go on their shifts, so I could help, stay here, wait for them.'

Bailey didn't say anything; she just continued to listen to Meredith

'I don't want to be there alone there, you know?.'

Bailey was about to speak as she noticed Derek looking in through the window, his coat on, ready to go home for the day...for the first time in 24 hours at least... his eyes never left Meredith's broken body as she sat close to tears in Baileys arms, his heart was breaking for her...she had been so strong earlier, when he had caught a glimpse she had been laughing or smiling...but now...her body language had changed, her shoulders where down...

Before he knew what he was doing he had opened the door and walked into the waiting room

'Don't you knock Dr Shepherd...? Bailey challenged him and threw him a look that he knew he would be paying for later...

'I'd apologise but as this is not an office, then no I don't knock...'

Meredith looked up, her eyes meeting Derek's and pleaded with him to be kind...

'Meredith, go ...please...get some rest and I will see you bright and early tomorrow, and tomorrow we will see about some extra hours...ok?' bailey threw the offer on the table, and Meredith knew she couldn't turn it down

'Ok...but tomorrow I'm going to hold you to that...' Meredith tried to make a joke, but exhaustion was setting in now, and she was just too tired to see it through.

Bailey got up and walked to wards Derek...'Get her home' she whispered as Derek looked at her in surprise as she walked out of the room, not looking back.

'Mer?'

'Please don't...'

'I won't...I haven't yet...' he responded as she lifted her head and let her eyes meet Derek's.

'I know...and thank you...I'm just going to go...I have to call a taxi...'

'Meredith...'

'Yeah'

'I can give you a lift...I'm leaving anyway...'

'You are?'

'I don't tend to wear my coat indoors all that often, it's hot...' he joked and he felt relief as he saw a smile fall over Meredith's lips...

'It's out of your way...'

'How do you know...you have no idea where I live...?'

'I have no idea about anything, not really...' she said

'You could...if you wanted...I meant it Meredith...we could be friends.

'Id like that' she whispered, just loud enough for Derek to hear as she stood up and walked to the door 'I just have to change, and grab my coat...'

'No rush' he smiled


	21. Chapter 21 the trailer

**Chapter 21 **

They had only been in the car a few minutes when Meredith spoke up

'Do you think we could..?'

'Could what?' Derek asked as he allowed himself to look over at her from the corner of his eye

'Go somewhere...anywhere really, I just don't really want to be at the house by myself'

'Urm, yeah, sure' Derek replied, confused, wondering if he should offer to sit at the house with her till Alex or Cristina got back.

'thanks...really...thank you' Meredith spoke and Derek recognised that she wasn't just talking about agreeing to take her somewhere else...the thank you held much more depth than that and he realised in the instant that offering to wait with her, at her house, was not the answer. She had asked to go somewhere, so that is where he would take her.

'I have a thing for ferry boats' he offered

'What?' Meredith looked at him wondering where he was going with this

'Seattle has ferry boats. I lived her 6 weeks before I realised that, did you know Seattle had ferry boats?' he asked her, trying to keep the conversation light

'Seattle is surrounded by water on three sides.' she laughed back at him

'I know that now' he laughed, glad that she was smiling. He was helping - or something.

They carried on driving for a few minutes, neither of them speaking, until Meredith began to recognise the ferry terminal up ahead

'The ferry...seriously...'

'You said anywhere' he smirked as he looked over at Meredith out of the corner of his eye

'Well I haven't been on the ferry yet since I got here, but where does it go?'

'That you will just have to trust me on...ok?'

Meredith looked up at Derek, she had no idea where she was going, hell she hardly even knew him, but at this moment in time she trusted him completely.

They decided to stay in the car on the ferry, the weather was bad and they didn't have an umbrella between them, so they decided to sit out the journey from the inside of his jeep.

'You know I had you down as the flash motor kind of guy' she joked

'What's wrong with my jeep?' he asked faking sadness

'It just doesn't seem like the wheels of choice for a neuro surgeon – a cocky one at that if Alex is to be believed!'

Derek went silent for a few minutes and Meredith worried she had said something wrong

'Crap, I'm sorry, it was just a joke, and it's a fine car...jeep or what ever...crap...sorry'

'you don't have to be sorry...it's just...as much as you have a story to tell, I do too, and I'm just not sure if I'm ready to share yet either 'he snapped slightly, and regretted it the minute the words left his lips

'Oh...' Meredith looked away, embarrassed 'can we just turn around and go back, when we get to the other side, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, I think I'd like to go back to the house now please.'

'What? Why? No I'm sorry; I'm the one who should be sorry. I didn't mean to snap, especially at you, I'm sorry, please Meredith...stay.'

She could hear the regret in his voice and how sorry he was, he hadn't meant it, she knew that.

'It's just...I know nothing about you' she offered, trying to remain calm and not be upset that she had forced that kind of reaction from him

'I know nothing about you either Meredith, and here I am trusting you anyway.'

'Trusting me? What am I going to do?' she laughed 'if Cristina knew I was on a ferry with a stranger right now.'

'I'm not a stranger Meredith, friends...we said we were friends?' she heard the hurt in his voice, she had done it again

'I didn't mean it like that, crap, I'm useless at this...I'm sorry' she was almost begging him to let the last comment go, she needed to think before she spoke, especially around Derek

'Trust me Meredith, please, there is somewhere I would love you to see.'

'ok' she heard herself agreeing, he had snapped, but she knew he was sorry, she couldn't push him, he was respecting her silence, and she had to respect his too.

She couldn't help thinking how surreal this was though, she really did hardly know him, she didn't make friends easily, but in such a short space of time he had become a friend...

Derek drove off the ferry boat as soon as the boat was docked and headed out towards the woods up ahead

'You know Cristina thinks the woods are full of smack heads and gang bangers.'

'Smack heads and gangbangers? Really in Seattle...? He laughed

'That's what I said, but seriously, the woods?'

'Yes the woods, just be patient I want to show you something'

'Are there bears in the woods?'

'Honestly?'

'Yes! Honestly!'

'Yes Meredith there are bears in the woods, this is Seattle, and yes, there are bears...'

'Wow...'

'Did you just say wow?

'Yeah, wow...don't look so surprised...bears...wow!'

'Most people would scream, or at least look a little scared.'

'I'm not most people.' she smiled

'No you're certainly not' he replied, and he knew then that he didn't need to be nervous of showing Meredith his home, she wouldn't judge him, she wasn't that person, she wasn't Addison.

The car fell into silence as they continued the drive into the woods, Meredith was nervous, she didn't know why. He was a brain surgeon, her friend...he wasn't a knife wielding axe murderer... she shook her head ridding herself of her crazy thoughts...he was her friend.

She looked up as the jeep began to slow, and she allowed herself to look over at Derek, he looked tense, worried.

He felt her glaze locked on him, but kept his eyes on the dirt track in front of him, this was crazy, she would think he was insane, living in the woods, he shouldn't have brought her here.

'Where are we Derek?' she spoke softly bringing him back in the moment

'Urm...you will see...' he smiled over, hoping that she would think this was ok, he had bought her to the middle of nowhere she could hate it.

As he parked the car up, he was surprised at her eagerness to get out of the car, it had started getting darker now as dusk set in and the path was dark up ahead

'Hey wait up...'

Meredith spun round and flashed a smile over at Derek that melted his heart, for the first time since he had met Meredith that really looked real, there was no falseness at all

'You look happy'

'This is just...wow...all this open space...it's amazing...'

'You like it then' he chuckled as he breathed a huge sigh of relief; maybe this wouldn't be so bad...

'I mean wow, the trees, and the fresh air...and...' her eyes fell on the glistening water up ahead. The last few rays of the sunlight disappearing behind it...'a lake...Derek...this is beautiful...'

He couldn't believe her reaction, and he hadn't even shown her the view or his home yet and already she was mesmerised.

When he had bought the land he had thought it was the best investment he had ever made, he had plans, all the land, a family house for himself and Addison and kids...lots of kids and he couldn't wait to show it to her but in typical Addison fashion she had been less than impressed. 11 years of marriage and she had laughed off his crazy idea as an early mid life crisis but now, right now seeing Meredith's reaction he knew the land wasn't a mistake, seeing her so excited was making him fall in love with the idea all over again.

'I just...I mean how...how did you find this?' Meredith asked as she turned to see Derek leaning back on a large oak tree just behind her.

'You like it huh?'

'Like it...just look at this place...it's beautiful...all this land...?'

He smiled at her and took a few steps towards her as he motioned for her to turn around. She followed his gaze and her own fell on an airstream trailer sitting in the middle of the woods. A trailer with a deck, and chairs...it looked...perfect...peaceful.

She looked over at Derek, confusion on her face...

'Where are we?' she asked trying to make sense of the sight ahead 'we are trespassing or something, we should go, and we can't just invade someone's space Derek...'

He looked over and held her gaze as he let a small smile creep over his lips

'You said earlier I was a stranger. I don't want to be a stranger, I want to be your friend Meredith...if you will let me...so this is me...trying...'

Meredith looked between Derek and the trailer, unsure of what he might say.

He saw the confusion on her face and laughed.

'trying? What? I'm lost...' she managed to whisper as she turned to face Derek again.

'I'm gonna tell you. All right. My mother's maiden name, Maloney. I have four sisters. I have, uh, nine nieces. Five nephews. I like coffee ice cream, single-malt scotch, occasionally a good cigar. I like to fly fish. And I cheat when I do the crossword puzzle on Sunday. And I never dance in public. Um, favourite novel: _The Sun Also Rises_. Favourite band: The Clash. My favourite colour is blue. I don't like light blue, indigo. The scar right here on my forehead, that's why I don't ride motorcycles anymore. And I live in that trailer. All this land is mine. I have no idea what I'm gonna do with it. So that's it. That's all you've earned for now. The rest you're just...just gonna have to take on faith'

Meredith could feel the smile spread across her face, 'you live here...in the woods? This is your escape...'

'I do...and it is' he smiled.

She looked over towards the trailer and surprised Derek by starting to walk towards it...before turning around and shouting over at him to come and give her the guided tour...

He stood there a few seconds watching her as she skipped over to the decking... she loved it, he could tell, she was the exact opposite of Addison...she was...perfect!

Meredith had laughed as the grand tour took approximately 5 minutes, and gladly took the beer Derek was offering her as they sat on the edge of the decking, the lights around the trailer now illuminating the area, as the darkness crept in some more. Neither spoke for a few minutes as they enjoyed the silence...neither realising they were thinking about the very same thing...

'Addison...' Derek began and Meredith sat up with a start.

'Derek, you don't have to...we don't have to do the thing.'

'The thing?'

'Exchange the details...you know.'

'I want to...I want you to know me... and I just need you to know...that I know you're not ready, and that's ok, but I am, I am ready to tell you things, things that most people know anyway.'

'Ok.'

'Addison was...is my wife, soon to be ex wife.' he took a deep breath as he turned to look at Meredith, and was relieved to see her looking back, almost encouraging him to continue.

One night I parked my car, I unlock my front door, go inside my house, and something's different. Nothing's different, everything's the same, but yet, still, something's different. And I stand there for a while. And then I know. See, there are moments for me, you know, usually when I'm in the OR, when I just know what's gonna happen next. So I go upstairs, as I'm walking down the hall I try to prepare myself for what I'm going to see when I walk into my bedroom. I step on a man's jacket that doesn't belong to me. And everything I know... just shifts. Because the jacket that doesn't belong to me is a jacket that I recognize, what I know now is that when I go into my bedroom, I'm not just going to see that my wife is cheating on me. I'm going to see that my wife is cheating on me with my business partner Chris, who happened to be one of my best friends... I walked out, flew out to Seattle.'

'Oh Derek...I' she rubbed the space where her wedding ring should be sitting, and let her eyes drift over to Derek's hands, she had never thought to look before...his ring finger on his left hand...empty...

He smiled weakly as he continued

'if only it was just that, she followed me, begged me to forgive her, said she would change, she played every card she could basically, and I believed her, I was the mug who let Addison Montgomery walk all over him. We tried, for a long time we tried, I thought this – he said pointing at the land and the trailer – would impress her, how wrong I was. She freaked when she saw the land, she despised it, and from the moment I showed her things began to change again...and it didn't take long for me to walk into an on call room and find her being fucked against the wall by some rich, up his own arse intern...' he paused, he couldn't keep going, as he felt his throat close up, he wouldn't cry, he was better off without her but it didn't mean it didn't hurt any less not so much the cheating more that he was foolish enough to take her back in the first place.

'I'm sorry...' Meredith heard herself say as she stood up and gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze, 'I'm sorry'

Derek looked up and his eyes locked with Meredith's for a few moments, he let his gaze drift down to his shoulder where her had still remained and he gently placed his own hand on top of hers and reciprocated the squeeze...

'thank you.'

Meredith didn't move her hand, she surprised herself by leaving it under his a little while longer as the pair remained outside the trailer, enveloped in silence.

He had proved he trusted her, by explaining what had happened with Addison, he was being a good friend, she needed to give him something in return, she knew that.

'Derek...?' she started to speak but was surprised when Derek stood up to face her, keeping her hand held in his own as he looked into her eyes.

'Mer, I get it. I've been there, and I know there are times when you just need to figure things out before you can talk. And I'm not asking you to tell me everything; I just want to be there for you if you will let me.'


	22. Chapter 22 the sun also rises

Chapter 22 – The sun also rises

Meredith pulled her car up next to the trailer and made her way to the decking and her usual spot in the hammock that hung to the right of the trailer and the decking. She couldn't believe it had only been two weeks since Derek had first introduced her to his home, she had spent so much time here lately, that she almost felt that she belonged, it was so peaceful and quiet and gave her space away from the thoughts that usually over took her mind.

When she thought back to the night two weeks ago she couldn't help but smile at the way Derek had opened up to her, and he had positively expressed that he wasn't going to rush her into revealing her story, her pain and he had stuck to his word.

She couldn't even put into words how much it meant to her that he had shown her his home, his escape and how he had shared the horrors of his past with Addison, she knew he had wanted to prove himself and so far he was living up to the title he had given himself of a very good friend.

Before she left that night, Derek had come up with an idea that he thought she might appreciate. She had been sceptical at first, unsure what to make of it, but looking back now she was glad she had finally accepted his offer – of an escape.

_**Two weeks ago**_

_After Derek's confession, and his promise to Meredith that there was no rush in her opening up about her pain, the pair had shared a discussion about the hospital – from moaning about horse faced inadequate scrub nurses to how poor the cafeteria food was._

_Meredith had bought the conversation back to the trailer on more than one occasion, talking about how much of an escape the woods were from reality, like the city didn't exist and it was then that Derek had an idea._

'_I was thinking.' He spoke quietly, unsure as to how Meredith would respond_

'_Thinking?' Meredith replied, looking quizzically over at Derek_

'_yeah, I know this might sound crazy, but this is my escape, its technically my home, but there are nights when I sleep at the hospital, or have emergency surgeries and don't get to come back here, but when I do come back, it's my break away from everything that has gone on that day, that week, that year...I clear my head. I love it here.'_

'_I get that, all this land, all this space, it's just breath taking Derek, you are so lucky to have this' she smiled_

'_You could be lucky too Meredith'_

'_How? How could I be lucky? I share a house with my two best friends, one of whom is like a hormonal teenager with his eyes on his next conquest, and the other a moody teenager who never tidies up after herself and lives like a slob how is that lucky' she laughed, not meaning it of course, she loved Alex and Cristina, they were everything to her._

'_You need somewhere, a place to go to clear your head, to escape '_

'_Well unless you know any other huge forests with trailers in the middle of them I think I'm screwed' she giggled_

'_You could have this one Meredith?'_

'_What? I don't understand, this is your home...'_

'_I know it's my home, but I'm hardly ever here, I spend eighty percent of my week at the hospital, or at Joes and just lately I think I have slept here no more than 4 times in the past two weeks.'_

'_So you want me to move into the trailer?' she asked, confused_

'_No silly' he laughed as he gave her a gentle squeeze on her left forearm 'you have a house, a place to sleep, a place to hold your things. But what you don't have is an escape. You didn't want to go back to the house tonight, you needed a get away...this could be your getaway.'_

'_I still don't...'_

'_what I'm trying to say is if you need a place to go, a place to think, or walk, even fish if it helps, you can come here, you can share my escape'_

'_And if you're at work?'_

'_Even better, you can escape without me annoying you. You can still come here Meredith; the trailer can be your sanctuary, or something.'_

'_And if you're not in work and I want to come?'_

'_Then you still come, I might even cook you dinner. Or you could come, park your car up and not even let me know you are here...it would be up to you.'_

_Meredith couldn't help but smile over at him, he had been the one to poor out his problems, his feelings and emotions yet here he was offering help to hers, even though he didn't know what they were.'_

So that was how Meredith had ended up sitting in the hammock at 7 o clock on a Wednesday evening relaxing in the peacefulness and Derek was at the hospital closing up on a brain bleed that had occurred just before the end of his shift.

Alex and Cristina had thought she was crazy at first, going out alone into the woods, but they were the first to admit too that it seemed to be helping. In the last two weeks they hadn't seen her break down and cry, and she was rarely seen without a smile on her face.

Meredith knew that this was no quick fix, she was still hurting, but all this time in the open air was really helping her and was giving her the freedom and the opportunity to think, without been interrupted, or pushed.

She had made a promise to herself when she first decided to come out to the trailer that she would only ever stay a couple of hours, and always when she knew Derek was still at the hospital. She didn't want to invade his space, or take up his own thinking time so she had always left before he returned.

The first few times she had gone out there, Derek had been none the wiser, he had returned late and she had been long gone, but then the rain had started and he had come home to fresh tyre tracks in the mud, and he couldn't help but smile to himself that she had taken him up on his offer, and he knew he was helping, even without speaking.

But tonight as she had pulled up at the trailer something on the table had caught her attention and she went over to take a close look she had noticed a small envelope, black plastic bag and a rug. She picked up the envelope and smiled as she saw her name written across the front in beautiful blue handwriting and she carefully opened it and removed the little card inside.

_There is nothing better than a good book whilst relaxing in the hammock_

_Derek x_

She smiled to herself as she realised he knew she had been using the space and opened the bag and pulled out an exceptionally old and well used copy of The Sun Also Rises, his favourite, she remembered.

She laid out in the hammock and opened the book and her eyes were drawn to small handwritten text on the inside cover

_Derek, you made me the proudest father in the world the day you were born. This book was my escape from reality, let it now be yours_

_Dad xxx_

She felt tears prick the back of her eyes as she flicked through to the first page of the book, he had left her something so precious, so dear to his heart, and he really was an amazing friend. She pulled up the rug and began to read...

A few hours later and Derek couldn't wait to get home, he has been at the hospital for 48 hours and his couch in the office just hadn't offered anywhere near enough comfort the last couple of days!

He had worked with Meredith a few times over the last couple of weeks, but the events of the trailer two weeks ago remained pretty much unspoken, instead they shared jokes about the horse faced scrub nurse who fawned over his every move and the crappy cafeteria food they were forced to eat on the run in-between surgeries or rounds.

He was really enjoying her company and he was trying to be her friend. He loved that she was smiling and laughing at his crappy jokes and if he was honest he was quite relieved that she hadn't kept going on about the divorce he didn't want to dwell on the past, he had to look forward now.

The one thing he really wanted though hadn't yet happened. They hadn't spent any time together out of the hospital. They worked together on cases, he bought muffins for breakfast or salads for lunch most days and she always provided the coffee just when he was feeling the effects of little sleep. It was almost like a routine.

He knew now that she was using his land, he had left the trailer door open since he found out, but it was obvious she never went inside, he would have been able to smell the lavender! So he had taken a chance two days ago, checked the weather report and felt relief to see only sun for the next few days and left out his book and a note to let her know that he knew she was there, he hadn't wanted to bring it up to her face as she hadn't mentioned anything to him. So he hoped that the book would be ok!

As he drove onto the ferry he was hoping that she had been and picked up the book and wasn't mad with him for letting on that he knew she had been there. He couldn't help but wonder how long she stayed? What she did when she was there...

He looked down at his watch, it was later then he had expected, pushing 1am now, he was so glad to have the next day off, no surgeries scheduled, shadow shepherd on rounds and on call for emergencies which meant he could fish, hike, drink beer whatever he wanted really for the next 24 hours he was free!

The journey up to the trailer didn't take too long once he got off the ferry, it was dark on the dirt track but luckily it was a full moon and it was illuminating the track just enough to lead the way up to the trailer. As he got closer and he was surprised to notice lights up ahead in the clearing, the outdoor lights he had strung around the trailer seemed to be on, that's odd he thought I never leave them on...and then that was when he noticed, to the side of the trailer Meredith's car sat, just underneath the oak trees that overlooked the trailer...she was still here. He felt the smile creep across his face at the prospect of seeing her again before he fell asleep, she was here...

He parked up the jeep alongside Meredith's car, and couldn't help think how nice it looked to have two cars parked side by side on his land. He walked up towards the front of the trailer and noticed the table was empty; she had picked up the book...

'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' 'zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'

He jumped at the sudden sound that filled the silence and smiled to himself as he turned around to face where the sound was coming from.

His eyes fell on a sleeping (and snoring) Meredith curled up in the hammock, his book, his dads book gripped to her chest, and the rug pulled up over her body keeping her warm, he laughed to himself amazed that such a big noise could come from such a little person.

He didn't want to wake her, but he couldn't just go to sleep in the warmth of the trailer and leave her out here in the cold...and when she woke up she would see the car and know that he was inside. He had to wake her.

He walked up alongside the hammock and couldn't believe how beautiful she looked, with the moonlight lighting up her flawless skin, it took him all his strength not to bend down and kiss her lips, so pink and inviting but he rid himself of such thoughts as he knew that the trust he had earned and the friendship he had secured would be unravelled in an instant. Instead he gently placed his hand under hers, and slowly removed the book from her grasp, placing back onto the table before returning to the hammock and gently calling her name. He called her a few times, with no luck, man she could sleep he thought to himself!

He reached out and ran his hand over her arm and tenderly rocked her to try and rouse her from her sleep, a few seconds later she began to wake, and he smiled as she rubbed her eyes and moved the small wisps of hair out of her face as she found her bearings.

'Hi' he heard himself whisper; eager not to startle her as she sat up carefully ensuring she didn't fall out. He took a step towards her and offered her his arm to steady herself as she got up out of the hammock.

'Hi...I'm sorry I should go...what time is it?' she murmured and he could hear the exhaustion in her voice.

'it's late, gone 1 I'm sorry I woke you, I didn't want you to get cold out here or chased by a bear or whatever' he laughed and was relieved when he saw a smile cross his friends face and jumped back in fake pain as she hit him on the arm and told him to shut up!

'Cristina would have blamed you if the bears had got me' she laughed as she began to walk off the decking.

Before he knew what he was doing he was calling her back

'Meredith...'

She stopped, surprised at his call and turned back round to face him

'You can't go...'

She looked at him in surprise, confused at his instruction

'I'm sorry but you can't go, I just caught the last ferry over to the island, there isn't another till 4.30 when the ferry starts up again for the day.'

'Oh but...'

'But nothing, stay Meredith...you can stay...'

'How? How can I stay? The trailer has one bed, the hammock is apparently at risk of bear attacks...' she spun on her heels and walked towards the car, Derek chasing behind her.

'Wait, where are you going? I'm sorry Meredith; there isn't a ferry, not till the hours.'

'The car, ill just sleep in the car or something at the dock...'

'Meredith' he cut her off 'you can't sleep at the ferry terminal, come on, that's just silly. Take the bed, in the trailer, please?'

She looked back towards Derek and then back at her car... it was just a bed.

'But what about you?' she whispered, scared of her own voice?

'I'll take the couch, its fine; I'm used to it at the hospital'

'But its tiny, the couch in there is tiny, and your back will be sore, and you won't be able to operate as your back is so sore from a night on that crappy little couch...'

'Did you just call my couch crappy?' he laughed

'What, no, that's not what I meant...'

'Relax Meredith, I'm kidding'

'Please, stay? You can't go anywhere tonight now anyway.'

Meredith looked up at her friend, she knew he was right, there was no ferry to get her back to the house...'ok' she whispered 'ok I will stay, but please you take the bed, I'll take the couch, please?'

'Sorry no can do...I can't invite you to stay and then give you the couch, please – take the bed'

She could see the determination in his face and she surprised herself when she felt her head nodding in agreement and walking back towards the trailer.

She hadn't been back inside since the first time he had shown her round, she had never invaded his privacy when she had come up here to think, she had used the land, and the hammock, and the deck, but never the trailer.

'Here...'

She was brought back to the now as she felt something hit her in the chest and fall to the floor, she looked down to see sweat pants and a t shirt sitting on the floor, covering her feet. She bent down and picked them up, looking back up at Derek, confused.

'Pyjamas' he smiled at her as she looked down at the clothes in her hand.

Meredith walked past Derek, into the tiny bathroom and quickly changed into the clothes Derek had passed her, she laughed to herself as she tried to pull in the waist band.

As she came out and moved towards the bedroom she turned round to see Derek laying out on the couch, a make shift bed erected for the night, he looked so peaceful, was he asleep already?

She crawled into bed and pulled the covers up around herself as she got comfortable in the bed and felt her eyes close...

'Meredith?

She heard the call come from the small distance away in the living space.

'Are you asleep?' she heard again

'No' she called back 'not yet'

'Ok just wanted to say good night.'

'Good night Derek' she whispered

'Good night Meredith' he replied unable to keep the smile off his face as he turned on his side to get comfortable for the night.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23 – trout for breakfast**

Cristina had worked a long night shift and was glad when the time came to head home; she glanced at her watch 5:16am flashed before her eyes, she was exhausted and she felt like she could sleep for a week. She knew she would be able to get a good rest as Meredith had the day off and wouldn't be up early and would be attached to her bed till at least 12, and Alex had found her earlier and said he was just grabbing a few hours at the hospital as he had to be back by 8. She drove back to the house on auto pilot in search of the much needed sleep her body now needed. She hated to admit to anyone when she felt so weak, but the 10 hour surgery and post op observations had really taken her toll this time.

She pulled up to the house; beside the garage thank full for a spot so close to the house...

'What the hell?' she gasped to herself as she noticed Meredith's car missing. She shouldn't have been able to park this close; the drive shouldn't have been empty, not at this time? Had Meredith gone back to the hospital? She hadn't heard of any emergencies on her way out, her heart rate quickened, had Meredith's car been stolen?

She parked the car and ran into the house shouting Meredith, forgetting what time it was as she ran up the stairs towards Meredith's room.

'Mer? Wake up some jerk has stolen the car, seriously it's not on the...' she was stopped in her tracks as she pushed the door to Meredith's room open to reveal an empty bed, a bed that hadn't been slept in.

She looked around the room as confusion set in. Meredith had left the hospital hours ago. Her own shift had run over due to complications, and Meredith had left way before that.

Cristina knew that whenever one of them was called back in the middle of the night, they always left a note for the other in the kitchen so she ran down the stairs in the hope of finding a note, a letter anything really to explain Meredith's disappearance. As she flicked on the light and her eyes scanned the room she felt physically sick as she realised the Kitchen held no such note.

'Where the hell are you' she whispered to herself as she went off to find her cell phone to see if she could track her down. She couldn't help but feel dread in the pit of her stomach, no Meredith, no car, no note...

Back in the trailer all was quiet, apart from the gentle purr of snoring that came from the bedroom, and the gentle breathing that could be heard from the couch. Neither had stirred since they had said good night, and even though neither would admit it, neither had slept so deeply in a long time.

'Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Brrrrrrrrrr, Brrrrrrrrrrr'

Derek shot up with a start as he heard a phone begin to ring and vibrate across the small table that sat to his right, it was still dark out and for a few moments he forgot he was on the couch, or even that Meredith was there.

He reached out for the phone, squinting as he let his eyes adjust to the light, he didn't look at the display or the phone as he accepted the call...

'Hello?' he croaked, still half asleep

'_Who the hell is this?'_ he heard barked back down the phone to him, loud enough to startle him from his half sleep.

'I'm sorry, you ring me in the middle of the night and you want to know who I AM?' he replied, angry now at been woken at such a ridiculous hour on his day off.

'_Listen hear buddy if you have hurt a hair on her head I swear to god I will make sure you are spitting teeth for weeks to come..'_

'Hurt a hair on whose head? Who is this?' Derek sat up on the couch confused as to what was going on.

'_You took her car? And her...what have you done with her?'_

'Done with whom? What are you talking about?' he could feel the anger rising in him now

'_Meredith...Meredith Worthington, you steal her car, kidnap her, and have the audacity to answer her phone...'_

'Meredith? What are you on about? I haven't stole her car or her phone and I certainly haven't kidnapped her'

'_Well how do you explain the answering of her phone in the middle of the night?'_

'Her phone? What?' he looked down at the handset in his hand as it dawned on him that this in fact wasn't his phone, Meredith must have left it on the table before she went to bed and it was then that his eyes made out the caller ID that was scrolling across the screen.

'Yang?' he asked, half smiling to himself now as he realised she didn't have a clue who he was

'What are you some kind of stalker, how the hell do you know my name? What have you done with her?'

'Cristina, its Derek, its Dr Shepherd...'

'Dere...Dr Shepherd? How? What are you doing with Mer's phone? I knew you weren't to be trusted she's tied up in the woods right now isn't she? You really are a psychopath...

'Cristina will you listen to me for a second...'

'Oh what's wrong is this the ransom request? Well screw you Dr Shepherd, I'm calling the police...'

'Cristina...' Cristina stopped at once as she recognised the sound of Meredith's voice now coming down the phone. Derek's raised voice had woken her from her sleep and she had walked into the living area to hear Derek calling Cristina's name and not getting a word in edgeways and had taken the phone from his hand as he had leant back on the coach once again as he shrugged his shoulders at Meredith to explain he didn't have a clue what was going on.

'Meredith? Is that you? I'm going to hurt him, I'm going to hunt him down and pull out every single one of those perfect hairs on his ego inflated head...'

'Cristina what are you going on about? Derek hasn't hurt me...'

'Where the hell are you? I come home in the middle of the night and you're not here, your car is not here, some wanna be brain surgeon god answers your phone...'

'Cristina...I'm sorry, look I know you where worried but really, there is no need. I should have left a note or text or something but I had no clue I would still be out here.'

'Out here? Out here where? It's the middle of the night, or morning now or whatever?'

'I'm at the trailer Cristina'

'The trailer? As in that tin can in the middle of the woods?'

'its not a tin can Cristina' she protested, angry that she was insulting Derek's home.

'and he is there?'

'he is'

'he is? Thats the only explanation I get...he is!'

'You said yourself it's the middle of the night, you have woken me up, and you have woken Derek up and now...'

'WHAT? What do you mean woke you both up, your sleeping with him now?'

'CRISTINA its 5.59 in the morning what the hell do you think we were doing?' she shouted making Derek jump as he had just closed his eyes again 'I'm not sleeping with him no...You should know me better than that. Seriously?'

'but you said...'

'But nothing, I came to the trailer, I read in the hammock, I fell asleep and the next thing I knew Derek was waking me up, it was late and there were no more ferries for the night. So I had no choice, not really. Derek lent me his bed...' she heard a loud intake of breathe down the phone from Cristina 'and he took the couch, where we were both separately sound asleep until you rang!' she finished her sentence with anger in her voice, she knew Cristina cared but this was just ridiculous!

'Look I'm sorry, I panicked, you weren't here, you're sad and hurting and well I just thought the worst'

'Can we finish this tomorrow, please? I'm tired I haven't had a day off in a week and this is the one day I can sleep in for the next 2 weeks...'

'I'm sorry...'

'I don't think it's me you need to be apologising to, not really'

'Tell that stupid brain man to check the caller ID next time...' she began to say as Meredith made the decision to hang up, and threw the cell back onto the table.

'Cristina said sorry' she smirked as she sat herself down next to Derek on the couch

He opened his eyes and stared at Meredith 'don't lie I heard every word, stupid brain man...'

'Well she would have done if I hadn't hung up' she laughed as she watched Derek lay back down and close his eyes.

Meredith stood up and started to walk away from the couch 'you're tired and the ferry will be running again now and it's your day off so I might as well just...'

'No Meredith, its early, stay' he whispered as he reached out and gently grabbed her arm.

'It's your day off too, so sleep or rest its fine' he smiled

'But?'

'no buts, cristina is cranky and in bed, Alex is doing god knows who god knows where and if you went back to the house you would be bored, or lonely...' he realised he still had hold of her arm, and that she hadn't pulled away, so he moved up on the couch and patted the seat next to him.

Meredith filled the space and turned to look at him

'So we could just...?'

'Hang out' he replied finishing her sentence. 'We are friends Meredith; friends spend time together, not just in the hospital. What do you say? We can get a couple of more hours sleep, we can take a hike, fish, put the world to rights, anything really.'

'You want to hang out, in the woods? All day?'

'Yeah I think I do' he smirked as he saw her eyes light up and the small nod of appreciation cross her face.

Meredith had gone back to the bed for a few more hours sleep, but Derek had found himself staring at the ceiling of the trailer, looking up through the sky light, unable to drift back off. He was exhausted but nothing he tried could help.

After about an hour he made the decision to get up and head down to the lake to see if he could catch any trout for breakfast. He had no idea if Meredith would like the idea of trout for breakfast but if she did then it was worth the effort.

Just before 8 Meredith began to stir in the bed, she pulled the blanket up around her as her eyes began to focus on the small details that his bedroom held. His shirts pressed and hanging on the cupboard door, a journal open with a glass of water resting precariously on top of it on top of one bedside table, a few coins scattered across the other...and a grainy photograph that depicted a smiling 5 or 6 year old little boy holding up a fish almost as big as he was and an older man beaming towards the camera, a look of pride upon his face. She smiled to herself as she noted the little boys missing front teeth, and the hair, there was no mistaking the hair...Derek!

As she walked into the living space, in only the t shirt now, having long kicked off the pants that where far too big for her, she felt disappointed to notice that Derek had gone. The covers had been folded and stacked at the end of the couch, the shoes that he had placed neatly by the door last night had gone, and the trailer seemed empty.

She sat down on the couch that had last night held his sleeping body. She closed her eyes, leaned back on the couch and racked her brains wondering if she had said or done anything wrong.

'Well good morning sleeping beauty...' she heard as she sat back up startled at his sudden presence in the room

'I thought you had gone' she heard herself reply, quietly

'Gone? Where would I have gone I promised you a day of hanging out remember.' But he was cut off mid sentence as he watched her stand and make her way back to the bedroom, his t shirt just covering her bottom...her legs... He shook his head to rid himself of his thoughts before spluttering

'Breakfast...trout...'

She turned back and smiled as he held up two fish in his left hand

'Trout? For breakfast? She asked

Derek felt his heart sink; she hated it, just like Addison.

' I'm so hungry' he heard her say

'You mean it's ok?'

'Sounds delicious of course it's ok' she laughed as she headed back to the bedroom to get changed.

Derek turned round to the oven, hiding the smile that filled his whole face

'Trout was ok'


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24 mud monster**

After a successful breakfast on the decking and Meredith telling Derek many times that the trout really was delicious the pair finally decided that a hike would be a perfect way to spend their morning. After all he had all this land and so far she had only actually seen a very small part of it when she came to escape. Meredith had insisted many times that she would get out of his way and leave him to enjoy his day off but as much as she had offered to leave he had persevered in getting her to stay. He wasn't about to admit it out loud but there was no other way he would like to spend his day then with Meredith, especially away from the hospital for once!

Derek looked up at the sky and thought that they had a couple of hours at least before the rain clouds moved in, the land was quite muddy underfoot but as long as they stuck to the main dirt tracks and didn't divert off then they should be fine.

'So we could take the trail off to the left that leads up to the highest point of the land? It's a bit of a trek but when you get up there it's just spectacular' he smiled as Meredith emerged from the trailer and he couldn't help think how adorable she looked. Her hair was tied up now in a messy yet perfect pony tail and the wisps of hair that didn't quite reach the elastic now framed her face and it was taking all his self control not to walk forward and brush them out of her face...

He couldn't help but think how wonderful she really was...she was a stark contrast to Addison with her Prada heels and business suites, Meredith was so relaxed and so comfortable in whatever she chose to wear that she just looked breathtaking in scrubs, jeans...anything really.

'Sounds good shall we go?' she asked as she all but skipped past him towards the path and he quickly turned on his heels and followed her lead sniggering to himself at how eager she was.

The hike started of nice, easy and relaxed, the gravel path led the way along the trek and the crunching of the stones underfoot could be heard almost echoing around as it was so peaceful.

'I had this idea' Meredith began as they walked side by side

'An idea? Did it hurt?' he laughed as Meredith feigned shock

'Ass' she retaliated as she hit Derek on the arm, a little harder then she meant to do something Derek played upon instantly

'Ow, my bad arm...that's where...' he rubbed his arm and Meredith was alarmed by the grimace that fell on his face

'What? Crap...I didn't hurt you? Seriously? Come on Derek that didn't hurt...' she was panicking now as he continued to rub his arm and hid his face from her as he turned away.

Derek couldn't help but laugh as he heard the regret ion her voice as he turned around and smiled at Meredith...

'You mean...you...you're ok?' she spluttered

'I'm sorry' he laughed 'I couldn't help it was just too easy!'

'Well for all I knew you could have had some old football injury and I happened to hit you right where your arm is pinned back together in 14 places!'

'Football? Me? Really...you think I played football?'

Meredith looked him up and down and began to laugh too 'good point, you don't look like the guy on guy physical contact kind of person to me...and the hair...you wouldn't want to ruin that with a helmet!' she laughed

'I wouldn't' he giggled 'and I definitely wasn't the football player...and the hair...'

'The hair?'

'It took a long time for my head to grow into my hair...'

'What?' she laughed

'Let's just say I didn't always know how to use hair products' he laughed back as Meredith began to giggle uncontrollably as she pictured his school days 'do!'

'So if you weren't squeezing your hair into a football helmet, what were you doing?' she asked and she saw the embarrassment spread across his face 'what? Come on you can tell me? It's not like you where one of those nerds who marched the field before the match with a horn or a trumpet or whatever...' she noticed his cheeks flaring into red blush as the reality damned on her... 'oh...you where?' she laughed 'oh god Derek I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make fun, I mean what instrument, and the uniform...oh' she couldn't hold back on the giggles as Derek looked on bemused that she found it so hilarious! But to see her so happy, so amused made him forget that he was actually the butt of her joke here!

'What about you little miss perfect...?'

'Me? You don't even want to know...'

'I do' he whispered as she let her eyes meet his for the first time since their walk had began 'believe me I do, you know I was a band geek with terrible hair...so you...you owe me a story!'

She walked a few paces ahead of Derek before she turned around and shot him a smile that could melt his heart already.

'This...' she said as she flicked her hand over her pony tail and pointed to the jeans and sweater she was wearing 'would never have adorned my body back then and the hair...far too ordinary'

'Ordinary?'

'Yeah you weren't the only one with hair issues; she smirked

'You had an afro too?'

'Not quite...more like hair the colour of candy...'

'Pink...you had pink hair...?' he blinked in disbelief trying t imagine the beautiful women in front of him with a pink mane instead of her beautiful blonde highlighted locks.

'Pink hair, terrible clothes and threatened to eat band geeks for breakfast...'

'Ouch, hit me hard why don't you'

'sorry, couldn't resist, but it's true...I'm not proud of it...but band geeks always such easy targets...and nothing really changes' she laughed as she sprinted back off to the base of the hill ready to start the incline.

Derek smiled to himself at her confidence, at how relaxed she seemed to be with him and he realised that he hadn't had so much fun for...years.

They started the hike up the steeper trail now up the hill and as the path turned from gravel to uneven wet mud the conversation quietened and for 10 minutes neither spoke as they made their way carefully up the trail, Meredith concentrated on her footing desperate not to trip, fall or embarrass herself by landing in the mud, and Derek amused himself by watching the look of complete concentration that had taken over her face as she meticulously watched her step on the rocks and boulders but as she did it turned her walk into some crazy little dance step hoping from foot to foot!

'What are you looking at?' she laughed as she looked over to the side to see Derek had stopped and was staring over to her

'Nothing why?' Derek retaliated with a smirk

'Seriously you are, what is it? You watch me sleep and now you watch me walk?'

Derek laughed again as he walked past her and began imitating the way in which Meredith had been walking, a move that didn't go unnoticed by her.

'Why are you walking like you have ants in your pants?' Meredith asked quizzically as she cocked her head to the side to take in Derek's erratic walk.

'I don't know what you mean' he sniggered as Meredith walked up to him, her hands on her hips

'Seriously why are you doing that?

'doing what?' he asked as he spun on his heels and continued the bizarre steps before bursting into a fit of giggles 'I'm sorry it's just your...that walk...the concentration...it's just so...' he couldn't finish the sentence as the giggles over took him again and even though he could see the anger building on her face, he just couldn't stop.

'I do not walk like that!' she claimed as she pushed Derek on the shoulder making him lose his balance slightly

'I'm sorry but you do it's just so...so...' he snorted as he fought to replant his footing

'seriously, he who pretends to be my friend...' she laughed unable to hold back the giggles that she had felt building up inside her as she lunged forwards to push him again, but he anticipated the move and side stepped out of the way resulting in Meredith losing her footing and falling towards the muddy floor.

It was almost like slow motion; one minute the pair where laughing uncontrollably the next minute Derek's attention was pinpointed on her falling body heading towards the ground. He made a last minute grab to break her fall, but it was too late and before he knew it she was lying face down in the mud to the side of him.

He held his breath as he bent down to help her up and prayed to god that she wasn't angry, it had been an accident, he hadn't pushed her, or meant her to fall.

As Meredith turned slowly to face him, he could hardly make out her features, her face and clothes where covered in mud, she had really fallen and done a good job of covering herself in the sticky mud underfoot.

She hung her head as she tried to hide her face from him, she was embarrassed, in fact embarrassed was an understatement, she tried to clear the mud from her eyes but it was no use, her hands where just as covered, and as she felt Derek squat down in front of her she looked up in time to see his own hands coming towards her and before she knew what was happening he was wiping the mud out of her eyes and was relieved when she could keep her eyes on open and focus on his pools of blue.

'I'm sorry Mer, so sorry, didnt think you would fall'

'Its ok, it serves me right, I couldn't keep my balance, and I tried to push you in...'

'You wanted me to land in the mud?' he asked, pretending to be hurt by her intentions

'Maybe' she laughed; but karmas a bitch and it came back and bit me on the ass didn't it!'

'I can't believe you would want to risk the beauty of the hair' he laughed as he stood up and offered Meredith his hand to help her up and off the mud bath she now seemed to be sitting in.

She smiled at him and took his hand as she struggled to get her feet secured enough on the floor as she kept slipping around but on the third attempt she was now up and standing at the side of Derek. He couldn't help but laugh at the state of her, their quiet relaxing walk had turned into a one sided mud wrestle and now, as she stood there in disbelief at the state of her, he couldn't help feel disappointed that their walk would have to be over!

'We can head back so you can clean up mud monster' he stated as Meredith spun her head around and glared at him

'not funny' she shot back at him as she turned to start the unsteady walk back down the hill, he laughed as she began to slip and slide all over the place and he quickly caught her up and offered her his arm to steady her.

She looked at his arm at first, determined she didn't need his help but just a few more steps later she began to slide once again and she threw her arm out to grab his arm to regain her balance as she gave in and accepted his help.

As they got back onto the flat again and the trailer came into view in the clearing up ahead the pair allowed the conversation to start again as neither had to be quite as careful with their footing. Derek couldn't help but wish he had a camera to capture this moment, it was priceless!

'So mud monster how you planning on getting home in that state?' he joked and was relieved to see that through her mud stained face she was smiling.

'Well I thought I'd get revenge in the trailer' she replied quickly 'I might jump in the bed; put my shoes on the couch...'

'You wouldn't...' he asked,

'I'm not an animal Derek of course I wouldn't, but a shower? A shower would be good?'

'of course Meredith, I'm not going to leave you like that, and you can put the t shirt and pants you slept in last night on and I will run you back to your house to get your own clothes' he smiled

'You don't need to do that Derek I can drive myself I'm fine'

'Currently you are not fine, you are covered head to toe in mud, and once you shower and change into my clothes you are going to need to get home.

'And I have my car, so I can get home!'

'And on your feet what do you plan on wearing? I could offer you shoes, trainers, but they are going to be far too big, and you won't be able to drive in them...'

'But...'

'Enough with the buts! Ill drop you its fine, and then tomorrow after work i'll run you back out to get your car, and you can escape here again for a few hours if you need to!'

Meredith knew he had a point; she couldn't drive with shoes 4 or 5 sized too big for her...she would have to let him take her!

Finally back at the trailer Derek ran ahead and placed newspaper down inside the trailer for Meredith to walk across as she made her way to the shower! Meredith couldn't help but laugh at his house proud state 'the mud monster and the domestic god' she snorted as she spotted Derek on his hands and knees ensuring his carpet was covered!

He took himself out on the deck with a bottle of water whilst Meredith was in the shower, he paced the floor, read some of the latest journal article, anything to take his mind of the fact that Meredith was currently in his shower...naked...bubbles...

'Derek?' he was shook back to reality as he heard her voice call from inside the trailer and as he walked in he had to hold his breath as he noticed the shower door was open and her arm was sticking out from behind the door,

'Derek, sorry, I left the towel on the side, just there. Could you pass it please? If you could just not look or something...' she asked as she closed the door again slightly as Derek made his was slowly towards the bed to reach the towel. He took a deep breath as he turned back towards the shower door, and never in his life had he hated the steam on a door so much...what was he doing, he couldn't think like this, it was Meredith, she was his friend and whatever else he was thinking he had to remind himself that one way or another she was married!


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Derek really couldn't help himself as the pair approached the ferry terminal as pictures of Meredith covered in mud kept creeping into his mind and he felt little smiles crossing his face as he bit his cheeks to stop from drawing attention to his amusement.

'Stop that'

'What?'

'You know what?'

'I'm driving'

'Stop with the smirking it's not nice'

'You think I'm smirking, wait till Cristina finds out'

'You wouldn't?'

'Wouldn't I?'

'Please...'

'Well how are you going to explain the new additions to your wardrobe?'

'She might not be there.'

'And if she is'

'Oooh look the ferry is in, let's go'

'Stop changing the subject'

'I'll think of something ok, I'll think of something'

'Are you coming in?'

Derek looked surprised at Meredith's offer, after his teasing the whole way over and the fact they had already spent nearly 24 hours together, he really wasn't expecting to be asked in.

'Urm...yeah...yeah I will thanks'

'Derek surgeons don't say urm' she laughed as she got out of the jeep and called back for him to hurry up. He looked up towards the drive that she was walking down and took a deep breath. He had wanted to know where she lived for a long time, he has wondered what her house was like, what she liked to surround herself with and now he was about to find out.

He couldn't explain it but he felt nervous, so far her own house had remained at a distance from him. But now, just the offer for him to go in was her letting him in a little bit more, she trusted him and as happy as he was about that, he was petrified too as he didn't ever want to let her down.

When he got to the door he was relieved to see it open for him to go in and as he stepped into the hallway he could just see Meredith disappearing away at the top of the stairs, probably desperate to get back into her own clothes!

'I'll be right down' she shouted 'the kitchen is at the end of the hall...coffee?'

He laughed and called back up the stairs 'I should have known'

'Known?'

'Yeah invite me on for coffee, make me make my own'

'Well might as well make yourself useful' she called back.

He smiled as he walked down the hall towards the kitchen, he passed the living room on his left and was taken aback by its bareness... a couch, a chair, a TV, a couple of photographs, a small coffee table and that was more or less it...it was stark and cold, it didn't really look lived in. He continued back to the kitchen wondering what he would see in here. He hadn't been expecting to see bare and blank, he figured it would be bright and cluttered. But there were no personal things, not really.

He couldn't help but smile as he walked into the kitchen and realised it was like something an architect would design, it was beautiful! He already knew from Alex that she couldn't cook so it surprised him when this amazing, beautiful space filled the back of her house and he couldn't help but wonder how many times the stove had been turned on for anything other than reheating! He would love to cook in here, it was bigger that his whole trailer!

A gorgeous old oak table stood on one side by a door leading out onto to what Derek expected to be a porch and the garden and a huge side board took up nearly one wall and appeared to hold enough plates and saucers for about 25 people!

He hunted out the coffee and got it onto boil just as Meredith appeared back at the door, her hair now wet again and a robe covering her body.

'You showered again?' he asked

'Yeah, I smelt of man' she laughed 'don't get me wrong I appreciated the shower I really did, but the products where all for you and your a man, so it meant I smelt like man...and it just wasn't very me!'

'It's ok you don't have to explain' he smiled as he opened the cupboard doors looking for mugs.

'There is something wrong with this picture' she said as she sat down at the table and looked over at Derek

'Wrong?' he asked as he continued searching for mugs

'Top left cupboard' she offered before continuing 'you, in my kitchen, making me coffee'

'A surgeon's work is never done'

She smiled at the scene in front of her as he turned around and poured the coffee before returning to the table and placing in front of her

'Black, straight up' he offered as she lifted the mug up to her lips and blew over the top of the hot liquid to ensure she didn't burn herself

'Mmmmm perfect, you remembered' she smiled as she enjoyed the caffeine fix that the coffee was providing for her

'Are you hungry I could fix you something to eat? She asked as she got up to take the now empty coffee mugs to the sink.

Derek panicked at the thought of Meredith cooking as his mind turned back to Joes a couple of nights earlier when he had shared a beer or two with Alex. Karev had very firmly said that Meredith couldn't cook and last time she had he had broken out in some crazy kind of rash across his face

'No, no, honestly please don't put yourself out for me...I'm not even that hungry, really. .' he paused as his stomach rumbled and Meredith looked up to face Derek

'Was that your stomach?'

'Was that my what? No must have been something outside' he blurted out as his stomach rolled again, louder this time

'Derek your stomach is rumbling please let me fix you something'

'It's ok, honestly, I can't wait, and I'm fine' he offered hoping that she would accept he didn't want anything.

'I really don't mind, I owe you or something! You cooked breakfast and that was hours ago now'

He really didn't know what to say, he didn't want to hurt her feelings, but the thought of a body covered in an itchy rash was also not very appealing as he looked up with a guilty look upon his face.

'Spit it out Derek, you obviously want to say something' she walked around to the middle work unit and sat herself up on the cupboard, letting her legs swing freely underneath the breakfast bar below.

'Ok if I tell you - you have to not shout, or get mad we are friends and friends tell each other things, yeah?'

'Yeah yeah friends whatever just tell me' she laughed

'It's just...Alex said...to avoid your cooking at all costs...' he looked up apologetically

'He said what! That cheeky...that's the last time I rescue him up from some random psychos house in the middle of the night, or make him his favourite omelette for his breakfast!' She gasped as she jumped back down of the counter top and stomped out of the kitchen

'Meredith wait, I'm sure he is just joking...come on, come back we can make food together'

'No it really doesn't matter I'm not even that hungry, it's just your stomach was...and I wanted to do something nice to say thanks or something'

He hadn't expected her to be so sensitive to his cooking admission and knew he had to fix this as soon as he could

'How about a game? A compromise?' he asked as the stood at the entrance to the living room.

'A game? Really Derek now is not the time for a quick go around the game of fricking life board!'

'No not that sort of game.' He said as he walked past her into the living room and sat himself down in the arm chair nearest the fireplace. She looked over him as he made himself comfortable and couldn't help but smile at how at ease he was, as if he had been here a hundred times before.

'When we are at college it started as a drinking game but as I got older I tried to use it for important decisions too, which sounds silly, but sometimes...sometimes it helps.'

'A drinking game sounds good to me 'she smirked

'Another time this can definitely be the drinking version but for now it's no ok?'

'Ok. But I'm still none the wiser what is this game...?'

'Option A or Option B' he offered as she looked at him confused.

'What?'

'It's a simple concept really I present you with two options and you have to pick one, there is nothing difficult to it!'

'And this can be a drinking time how?' she smiled as she noticed him relax further into the chair

'If you don't pick you drink...simple really'

'Sounds like my ideal game, put a straw in my tequila and I'm done' she laughed

'So anyway Option A – we cook, together in that amazing kitchen back there, and then I least know everything is cooked through enough...'

'You cheeky...' she moaned as she threw a couch cushion over at him, he caught it and laughed at her feeble effort to hurt him

'And Option B – you get dressed, dry your hair and we go into town for the afternoon and I buy you dinner and we enjoy the rest of our day off.'

He looked over at her and smiled as he waited for her answer.

'what I don't get is how that would be much fun as a drinking game I mean who wants to talk about food or eating out when at a party involving drinking games?'

'Meredith you have to pick A or B and I promise whichever one you pick I will fill you in on a few examples of options from the party version...'

'Ok but what about C...'

'There is no C' he laughed

'Well new rule...Option C...it's just a slight alteration to b anyway so that counts or something'

'Ok ok let's hear it whets C?'

'Option C – I get dressed, dry my hair and we go into town for the afternoon and I buy YOU dinner and we enjoy the rest of our day off'

He smiled as he realised what she was saying 'I like the sound of C...your treat I get it'

'To say thank you' she said as she stood up and headed towards the bottom of the stairs.

'Just give me a few minutes to get ready and we can get going. The TV control should be around there some place unless Cristina had it then it's probably lost forever' she laughed as she ran upstairs eager to get ready.

Derek looked around the room from the arm chair he had gotten so comfortable in; the room really was pretty scarce and blank – like an empty canvas waiting for its first splash of colour. His eyes focussed on the coffee table not far from his feat and he smiled as he noticed the frame held a picture of Meredith, Cristina and Alex from a good few years ago – college maybe? He leaned forwards on the chair and picked up the photograph and laughed as he realised that Alex had the V sign held up behind cristina's head (who was oblivious to the fact) and Meredith had obviously just noticed out of the corner of her eye as she was smiling and laughing in a way he had never noticed before! She looked so young, so innocent, worry free...

He gently placed the frame back on the table before getting up and walking over to the top of the fireplace where another couple of pictures stood.

The first one held a picture of cristina and an older lady he assumed was her mother, the second was Alex and 2 younger children (siblings maybe he didn't know) but they were all standing in the back garden of a house Alex kitted out in wrestling gear and the smaller children running circles around him!

The third made him stop still in his tracks as his eyes fell on a picture of Meredith sitting between a man's legs, his arms draped around her shoulders, his knees bent upwards capturing her close to him and the smiles on both their faces as he leaned in to kiss her on the cheek radiated from the photograph...

'That's William' he heard quietly from behind him as he jumped and nearly sent the photograph crashing to the floor in shock as he turned around and saw that Meredith was now leaning on the door frame, tears pooled along her lashes

'Shall we go?' she asked as she spun around and walked towards the door

'Meredith?' he called after her as he ran to catch her up

'I know...I know what you are going to say, just not now ok, can we please just go and enjoy dinner, but soon I promise' she spoke softly as she turned to look at Derek and he couldn't miss the sadness that was written across her face, or the pain that was in her voice as she spoke

'I promise soon'


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

Dinner might as well have been cancelled, that was all Derek could think as he sat opposite Meredith at a little steak house on the other side of the town. Meredith had suggested it on the drive over, but that was about the only thing she had said. She had spent the 35 minute journey just staring out of the window, lost in thought and ignoring Derek completely. He had left her too it initially, only asking for directions every now and again and trying not to react to her one word answers as she never once looked up but he couldn't help but start to feel frustrated!

He didn't deserve to be ignored, he had been patient, so patient, he hadn't asked anything, he hadn't pried, he had left her have her own space and he had even shared his story with Addison and still not asked for more. But now as he sat there, desperate to engage her in conversation, he couldn't help but feel that the short distance that separated them over the table might as well have been miles and not inches!

He was angry with himself for being frustrated. She had promised him soon and he had to understand that. But what he couldn't understand was why now they were sitting there like complete strangers on an awkward first date, who were secretly plotting their escape. He wouldn't be surprised if her phone rang any second with Alex giving her an out!

'Are you ready to order sir?'

'I think we might need a couple more minutes' he said as he noticed that Meredith was just staring at the menu

'Ok sir I'll be right back'

'No wait, I'm ready, sorry, I'm ready'

Derek was surprised to hear her speak; he was beginning to think that he was in for the silent treatment all night.

They quickly ordered their food and Derek took it upon himself to order a bottle of wine, she needed to relax again and even though he wasn't after getting her drunk, he wasn't sure what else to do so it was worth a try, and he could have one glass before driving back.

'Thanks' she whispered as she took the glass and Derek was concerned as he saw how much her hand was shaking. He couldn't just sit here and watch her barely hold on

'Meredith' he whispered as he lent forwards on his chair and placed his hands over hers as he guided the wine glass back to the table, he was relieved when she didn't pull away and even more surprised when she linked her fingers with his and appeared to literally hold on.

He looked up, hoping to catch her eye. He gave her hands a gentle squeeze and felt her physically relax as she looked up and let her eyes meet his for the first time since he had held the photograph in his hands back at the house.

'I'm sorry' she started, her eyes pleading with Derek to make this easier 'I know I've acted like an idiot since the house and you deserve an explanation, and I do really want to give it to you, I hate the fact you are sitting there thinking I'm some kind of crazy on day release and you are in all probability wondering how best you can get away, I mean, mark is almost certainly on speed dial to page you away...'

'Meredith stop' he interrupted a little too sharply and he regretted it the minute she pulled her hands back away from his.

'I'm sorry I didn't mean that like it came out' he whispered nervously, worried he had just made a massive mistake and before he knew what he was doing he had pushed his chair back and had leapt round to the other side of the table and was kneeled at the side of her chair now. He placed one hand on top of the arm nearest to him now, and with his left hand he reached forwards and brushed her hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear as he placed his hand on her cheek and gently turned her face around to face him, she still resisted from looking at him, so he placed two fingers under her chin and pleased with her to look up 'Meredith, please?'

She lifted her head slowly and his heart broke as he saw the tears pooled in her beautiful jade pools

'I didn't mean to snap, I'm sorry, please, don't pull away' he could hear the desperation in his own voice as he struggled to hold on to his emotions. He cared about her so much, she was hurting and it was taking every inch of self control not to throw his arms around her and declaring much more...

'You have been so patient with me, I don't know why you hang around...' she sighed softly

'listen to me please, I promised myself the day I opened up about Addison that I wouldn't put pressure on you to open up, and I mean that, I really do...I haven't asked questions, I haven't pulled away, and I won't' he reached up and wiped a tear away that had escaped out down her cheek

'You can tell me when you are ready, if you are ready, but I'm not going anywhere; I'm not running just because I don't know about...whatever it is;

'But'

'No buts Meredith friends always show up' he smiled at her and was relieved to her pass a small smile back.

'You should really get up you know people are looking' she murmured as she looked around to see that the other few tables that were occupied were beginning to look over.

As he sat back down again he took a bit gulp of his wine, and began to seriously consider leaving the car outside for the night and just grabbing a taxi back to the trailer.

'I owe you one hell of an explanation I know that, and I promise you so much that I want to, I want to let you in...

'When you're ready I will be here...

The pair where interrupted as the waiter brought the food out to the table and as Derek began to tuck in, his stomach crying out in relief at the wait it had had to endure he noticed that Meredith was just pushing the food around on her plate

'Eat Meredith' he pleaded as she put her knife and fork back down on the plate,

'I'm sorry it's probably delicious but I just...

'Just a bite, please, its steak you can't turn down steak, and you need the energy, please

She saw the worry on his face, and knew he was right she wasn't eating right still and her body was exhausted from running on empty

;come on trust me it's delicious even better then the trout; he smirked and breathed a huge sigh of relief as she smiled back and picked back up her cutlery.

She ate a few bites of her steak and half of the potato on her plate, it was better than nothing he had to admit but when she excused herself and went to the bathroom he couldn't resist having quiet word with the waiter and placing an order for desert.

A few minutes later as Meredith drained the last of the wine in her glass he saw her eyes light up as her desert came into view

'What's this?' she asked as she settled back down at the table

'Strawberry cheesecake madam' Derek grinned as he watched her dive in

'Mmmmm oh my goodness it's divine...' she said in-between mouthfuls before stopping as she realised Derek wasn't eating. 'What about you? Here you are telling me to eat and you haven't even got desert?'

'the difference being I ate all my main course, and half of yours' he retaliated quickly but was taken by surprise when the spoon suddenly made its way towards him

; but you got to try this, its amazing Derek, really amazing'

They decided to take a walk to relax after dinner and they headed towards Kerry park (at Derek's request) as at night it became almost a fantasy scene, with brightly lit ferries gliding across the water and the Space Needle shining from its 500-foot pedestal and mount Reiner standing tall keeping guard over Seattle, it was beautiful and he hoped that it was just the sort of place that would help Meredith to relax.

As they walked into the park entrance he was surprised as she linked her own arm through his and just how perfect it felt. They walked quietly perfectly in sync up to the small walled area that Derek knew was the best place to look across the city at night. The park was quiet and he was relieved that he didn't have to share the view with anyone but Meredith.

'I know you aren't ready to talk, but I just want to say this' he began as Meredith turned to face him and sat herself on the little wall they had reached

'opening up to you the other night about Addison was hard, I don't like to talk about it, and if I'm honest I just wish the divorce could hurry up and be granted and that she would be out of here for good'

'She's leaving Seattle?'

'she is if I get my way' he said unconvincingly 'but short of tying her to the underneath of a one way jet to the Bermuda triangle I'm not so sure she will just go'

'I'm glad I haven't had to work with her yet'

'Me too - sorry I'm going off the point, what I wanted to say, what I'm trying to say is what I told you wasn't the whole story, or it was, but it wasn't the end.'

Meredith looked at him confused, she had no idea where this was leading and she felt her heart beat quicken as nerves set in.

'after the second time, when I found her with the intern, it was even worse than with my business partner, with him I think she had actually fallen for him, but the intern, she was prepared to throw away everything we had tried to rebuild on a cheap and nasty fuck up a wall in an on call room'

'Derek you don't need to do this'

'I do, trust me I do, and I'm sorry if it sounds crude and nasty, but seeing her pressed up against some wall with someone else pounding into her...broke me'

Meredith looked up and saw him stand and turn back out to face the ferries, his eyes focussed on the lights as they moved slowly across Elliot bay beneath them and she was surprised to hear the pain in his voice, his voice had started to shake, she hadn't imagined that it was still raw for him. She felt herself begin to stand and wrap her arms around him as she pulled him close and let him cry.

He felt guilty, he hadn't meant to come out here and turn this round to him, but it was the only way he felt that he could get through to her that he could be trusted completely; she had to know what happened next.

'I'm sorry Meredith, this wasn't meant to be about me' he said as he pulled himself away and rested himself back down on the edge of the wall.

'Its ok, really, it's ok' she whispered as she rubbed circles around his back to comfort him

'After the intern, I was broken, really broken and I was an ass to everyone'

'You really?' she smiled trying to make him feel better

'Ask yang and karev I'm sure they will support my story, I took my pain out on everyone, anyone, instead of dealing with things.'

'So how did you come through, how did you get past it every day?'

'I didn't not really, not for a long time, until one day mark said something that really made me think, which is kind of a miracle for mark as it wasn't about butts or legs or anything even related to the shape of women bodies' he stated which made Meredith laugh at once

'Mark was insightful? This I need to hear!'

'Yeah as hard as it is to believe, but mark kind of saved me'

'How?'

'He came out to the trailer to fish, it had been arranged for weeks, but instead he found me sprawled out on the decking, surrounded by beers cans, scotch bottles the works. he sat staring at me for hours waiting for me to come round from my drink fuelled sleep and as I sat up he called me pathetic...'

'That's not right; he is your friend...'

'I know it's not but it got me listening, if my own best friend thought I was pathetic, then what the hell did the rest of the hospital think. I was a mess, my hair was wild and I practically had as much hair on my face as I did my head, which is really saying something' he said as he ran his fingers through his dark jet mane.

'Anyway we eventually fished for a couple of hours, but I was in no fit state really and it wasn't long before I needed my bed. So mark more or less through me back in the trailer and told me it was time to face things head on, not let her win, she wasn't worth my love...'

'She really wasn't' she heard herself murmur as he continued

'by the time morning broke my mouth felt like I'd been eating sand paper for fun, my tongue was s rough as gravel and all I was craving was water. That's when I saw it. Mark had left a 2 litre bottle standing on the table and a note telling me today was the day when dark and twisty Derek became all bright and shiny, how I had to show her what she had given up by becoming me again.'

'But how? You couldn't just change just like that not after everything?' she asked as she shivered as the night's air crept around the pair.

Instinctively he wrapped his arms around her and stood up as he guided her back towards the car.

'It wasn't easy, and I knew I couldn't do it on my own, but mark gave me an option that I had to seriously consider.'

'But what was it? What did he tell you to do?'

'He made me see there was more than one path to take, and that there with people with signposts that could direct me out of the mess, it wasn't a maze, and I didn't have to struggle'

As they got back into the car Meredith looked across at Derek, she was amazed at how easy he had opened up again, she was jealous really, how did he manage to share so much...but then she remembered some of the things he had said, it hadn't always been like this...she had to hope she could be in his position one day too.

Derek pulled back up outside Meredith's house and the pair where surprised to see that still no cars sat on the drive,

'Guess the hospital is busy in our absence' she laughed as she got out of the car and didn't look back.

He felt his heart sink; she was just walking away, no thanks, no good night, nothing? He turned the engine anticipating driving away when suddenly he heard her call

'Derek?'

And she ran back down the drive

'What the hell are you doing?'

'What do you mean? I'm leaving, going home.'

'But...no...You can't...I mean...'

'I can't?'

'No crap, I'm rubbish at this, I don't want you to go, not yet anyway, sorry I thought you realised that.'

'Well seems as though you kept that to yourself.' He laughed

'I'm sorry I didn't realise you wouldn't follow me, oh god I looked so rude just walking away'

'Well I was wondering'

'Will you come in? Coffee...you definitely need coffee, it's like the rules of eating later isn't it, coffee after food to relax or something'

'Ok' he smiled as he began to unbuckle his seatbelt and close the window

'I mean you could just leave, but how bad would that look after everything you said and I...'

'Meredith, I'm coming in' he said as he stood next to her amazed that she hadn't notice him climb out of the car.

'You are? Oh...not bad oh, crap...comes on'

Derek walked up towards the house nervously he, he knew what had helped him, might help Meredith too, but he was scared of what she might think if he brought it up.

The pair shared coffee and all talk of Addison and other problems were ignored as they chose to just enjoy the rest of their night. It had started to get late and a few times Derek had said he was going to make a move and go and catch the ferry had been forgotten as the conversation started up again.

Meredith's phone had rang about half 12 and she had excused herself as she had gone to answer it as she had seen alex's name scroll across the screen.

She spoke to him briefly to be told that Cristina had been called into surgery the minute her shift was about to end and he was propping up the bar in Joes and would just crash in an on call room, if he didn't get lucky first! She informed him as usual that it was too much information

'So Alex is on the hunt again and Cristina is...'

She stopped as she noticed his relaxed form on the sofa; he had kicked his shoes, and now his feet where hanging over the arm rest at one end, and his head rested on the cushions at the other end.

She smiled to herself as she took in his sleeping form...she had only been gone a matter of minutes but in that time he had fallen asleep!

She didn't have the heart to wake him, he looked so peaceful, and she leaned over the couch and pulled over the blanket that sat over the back of the couch and covered him with it so he wouldn't get cold. She looked at his face how perfect it was, his pools of sapphire blue hidden now by his closed eye lids and his hair flopping over his forehead slightly. She surprised herself by allowing her hand to move down and sweep the tresses out of his eyes as she laughed to herself to remind him that it was maybe time for a hair cut!


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27 I'm not crazy**

BEEEEEP BEEEEEP

Derek woke with a start as he tried to get his bearings as his eyes adjusted to the light in the now dark room.

He looked down at his watch and was amazed to see 3:56 flash before his eyes. He hadn't meant to fall asleep; he should have been back at the trailers hours ago!

BEEEEP BEEEEEP

His attention was grabbed once again by the sounds of his pager filling the room – the hospital beckoning him from the comfort of Meredith's couch.

He smiled to himself as he noticed the blanket that covered his lower half as he spun his feet around forcing himself to stand up and retrieve the pager.

She had let him stay.

He hadn't meant to fall asleep, at no point when he came back into the house had he expected to be waking at this time to head into work, but it had been a busy day and he had felt exhaustion creep in once she left the room to answer her phone...and she hadn't freaked out to find him asleep instead she must have covered him and left him to get some rest.

As he placed his feet back into his shoes and tucked his shirt back into his jeans he thought back to their earlier conversation up at Kerry Park as he had shared marks wise words without actually letting on how he had eventually come through the other side.

He knew it had helped him and as angry as he was at marks suggestion initially, in the long run, once he faced his demons head on, it had helped.

He took a deep breath as he placed his fingers into the inside of his wallet and took out a business card. He twirled the card between his fingers, and tapped it on his chin before he stared at the details that covered it.

He walked into the kitchen and took a bottle of water out of the fridge, grabbed a piece of paper off the side and sat at the kitchen table quickly writing, so she wouldn't think he just left.

He walked back into the living room and placed the water, and note on the coffee table, and gently propped up the business card on the bottle.

It was worth a shot -it had worked for him, he just hoped he wasn't risking their friendship by leaving it for her.

Meredith woke up a few hours later, and as she stretched out in the bed and checked the time she was relieved to see she still had a couple of hours before work. She had a late start, and as good as that sounded now, she knew come the middle of the night when she was dragging her heels down the halls of the hospital she would be regretting her excitement of her sleep in!

She made her way downstairs; she had no idea what time Derek was meant to be in work, it had never come up so she had no clue if he would still be snoring quietly on the couch or if he would have left already but if she was honest she knew which one she wanted it to be. As she got to the bottom of the stairs her heart sank a little as she noticed the empty couch, the covers folded perfectly back over the couch...he had gone.

She walked quietly into the kitchen and made herself some coffee a little sad that she had to drink it alone, the house felt cold, and lonely, she hated being there alone, which was hypocritical really and she knew that, because on the land that Derek had so kindly lent her to escape she loved to be alone, to think, but here, in the building she was meant to make a home, she hated it.

She picked up her coffee and made the decision to drink it in the living room, where Derek had slept. As she entered the room her gaze was drawn to the bottle of water resting on the table and she smiled to herself as she thought

'Hang-over, me? Derek Shepherd you don't know me at all...'

She sat down on the couch and noticed the note. She picked it up to read and couldn't help but think how thoughtful he was to leave a note for her before he left...

'_Meredith_

_Thank you for letting me sleep, I needed it._

_I got paged in, didn't want to wake you, it was the middle of the night, so I'm sorry I never got to say good bye._

_Coffee at lunch? Find me if you still want to after this..._

_Mark took a brave step many months ago in a desperate plea to help me, it worked, eventually, and looking back as angry as he made me at the time, now I see it was the best thing he ever did._

_So the card I've left you on the table will probably make you hate me, for now at least, but it's a risk I have to take, you're hurting and it breaks my heart to see you in so much pain._

_So please try...please._

_Derek x_

She placed the letter down on the side of the couch and reached forwards for the card, holding her breath wondering what was going to be written on it

**Dr Katharine Wyatt**

**Psychiatrist**

**SGH Room 4813**

She dropped the card as soon as her eyes had finished the last word 'psychiatrist' he thought she was crazy? After everything he really thought she was losing it? Or had lost it?

She felt the anger building up inside of her, just as she had felt like she could trust him and was starting to consider opening up, he had to do this.

He said he would wait...

'You bastad' she screamed as she forced through his office door 'you absolute bastad you promised me no rush, you promised that soon was ok...'

He sat up with a start at the force she had entered his office and his heart felt heavy in his chest and at once as he saw the devastation and anger written all over her face. Half of him had expected this reaction but the other had hoped that she might see this was him helping, without putting pressure on her to talk to him,

'Meredith please...' he begged as he pushed the chair away from the desk and took the brave decision to close the space between them, his heart racing as the fear of pushing her away grew like dark clouds creeping in during a thunder storm.

'No don't you Meredith me...you have no right, you are a fraud, you made me trust you, you made me want to open up, tell you things, you tricked me to be your friend and all the time you think I'm crazy in need of help...a psychiatrist, really...' she screamed as she took a step away from him, desperate to stop him from closing the distance between them

'Meredith...' he pleaded as he took in her broken form in front of him as he saw the tears begin to fall like rain drops.

'No don't...please don't...what was I to you, the broken little new girl you decided to befriend before judging them as crazy...

'Meredith' he said again as he took another step closer, unable to leave her in the state she was working herself up into

'No Derek, no! Crazy people need psychiatrists, I'm not crazy' she sobbed as she threw herself down on the couch to avoid his approach.

'So I'm crazy?' he asked approaching her warily 'if crazy people see psychiatrists then I must be crazy' he spoke quietly, desperate to get through to her, desperate to salvage what was left of their friendship

She looked up confused as she noticed him getting closer to the couch and as she allowed herself to look up and her eyes met his, she felt her anger begin to calm down, the way he looked at her, like he wanted to help, all this time he had compared her situation to his and Addison, he had no idea it was worse, a million times worse, yet he never gave in, he was her friend, she WAS crazy to think anything else.

'This is the same reaction I had Meredith when mark left the card for me.'

'Mark left you the card? He suggested therapy?'

'Yeah, did you not read my letter at all?'

'Yeah but'

'No buts remember' – he smiled 'if you had reread my letter properly instead of flying off the handle you would have noticed I was anticipating this...I've been there...you don't have to be crazy Meredith to get help, you have to want to get help, that's the difference! Crazy people are quite happy to go through life without ever talking to anyone, you're not crazy, and neither am I, because as painful as this is, I wanted to get through to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I think you do too'

'You thought I'd hate you' she sobbed as she remembered the words of his letter now 'you where willing to risk everything...to help me?'

'I can't just sit back and watch you disappear, the last few weeks you have tried so hard to be happy, but you can't hide your real emotions...anything that you think is carried on your face...so yes, I had to risk our friendship because if it means you can find your place in this world again and find reason to smile, then it's a sacrifice I have to make...so hate me if thats what it takes to get through this...hate me.'

'What...no i don't hate you, I'm sorry, no...How can I hate you...you have been amazing through all this, so patient, so perfect. I don't hate you Derek' she tried hard to control her sobs as she tried to understand what he was willing to risk, for her.

'So you call all your friends bastards?' he grinned hoping to put her back at ease and as he spoke he lent forwards and placed an arm around her back, rubbing small circles gently between her shoulder blades, relief washed over him as she didn't flinch or pull away.

'Sorry' she murmured embarrassed now by her reaction 'I'm sorry'

He took her hands in his and waited until her eyes met his before he spoke

'The last thing I want to do is rush you, make you hurt anymore, that was never my intention' he spoke softly as he relaxed as she maintained eye contact with him.

'I know you are trying, to let me, you told me his name, and I know that was big for you...'

'William' she offered, to try and prove to him that she didn't regret sharing that little bit of information.

'Yeah William' he quietly responded

'when mark suggested therapy I freaked too, I got angry, I raced into his office much like you did today except I smacked him so hard in the face I thought I might actually have broke a bone or two in my hand...so in comparison I'm lucky really that you haven't hurt me with these tiny ineffectual fists' he said trying to lighten the mood as he rubbed his thumbs over the top of the hands he now held.

'You hit him, seriously?' she laughed as she allowed her fingers to link with his,

'Yeah, not my proudest moment, but mark said the same things to me, as I'm saying to you now, he expected the anger, the pain...he just didn't expect to be practically spitting teeth and needing stitches in his cheek!'

Meredith giggled at the thought of the big headed plastic surgeon having his face ruined by his best friend and made a promise to herself to see if he had a scar on his pretty little face...

'I know it sounds scary, to talk to a stranger and pour your heart out, I'm not going to pretend it isn't...my first 3 sessions I just sat there, saying nothing, but then something clicked, and everything I was feeling just came out...and it changed me, for the better I think, and still to this day Dr Wyatt, Mark and myself are the only ones to know I even went...I wouldn't tell a soul Meredith, mark doesn't even know I still go...'

'You still go?' she looked up surprised at his confession

'I stopped, for a while, but I didn't feel as completely in control as I hoped. And seeing her around the place just causes me to have the occasional bad day...your allowed them, she will tell you that'

'But when?'

'When I can, there are no hard and fast rules, no plans, but when the need crops up Dr Wyatt makes time for me...it helps' he smiled as he looked down at their hands intertwined as one, resting on her lap.

'When was the last time?' she asked as she smiled at him again now, hoping he could forgiv her for anger moments earlier.

'3 days ago' he whispered quietly as he heard Meredith take a deep intake of breath

'3 days...wow...really...'

'yeah really, don't get me wrong it's not foolproof, there are good days and bad days, but still having that small connection, and a place to sound off if I need it – that helps'

'I'm sorry' she said again as she tried to stand up away from the couch, but his hands held on tight and his eyes begged her to stay where she was.

'Don't be sorry, I kept my teeth, I'm good' he laughed

'There's still time' she joked back as she allowed him to pull her back down on the couch and she instinctively moved into the side of Derek, closing the space between them as she burrowed into his side

'Just think about it ok, don't rule it out,' he whispered as he felt relief wash over his body that they were ok

'I'm not...'

'Don't say not Meredith, just think about it' he pleaded as he surprised himself by pulling her in even closer and allowing his arm to engulf her tiny little frame.

'What I was going to say before you interrupted was that I'm not ruling it out, I'm scared as hell to admit that, but I'm not ruling it out!' she said nervously as she let her head rest on his chest and let her own arm wrap around his body.

He was amazed at how perfect this felt, how at ease she let herself be in his company, with his spare hand he swept the lose strands away from her face and smiled as she cuddled in closer.

'Derek?'

'Yeah'

'I meant to say'

'Yeah?'

'You need a hair cut'


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28 therapy

Dr Wyatt sat watching Meredith, whose eyes where fixed firmly on the fish tank to the side of the office. 'This is your third session and you still haven't said anything yet. Now while I love quiet time it is starting to drag solely hearing my own voice'

'I read a study that said that just the act of going to therapy is beneficial even if you don't say anything, even if you just sit' Meredith half smiled as she clicked the pen in her hand on, off, on, off.

'So that's how you thought you would solve your problems, you'd just sit?'

'I don't have problems'

'Really? Then why are you here?'

Meredith closed her eyes, and thought back to that morning three weeks ago when she had burst into Derek's office accusing him of calling her crazy, she knew now he was trying to help, he had made her understand in the end, she was touched that he cared so much, after all he had risked ruining their friendship, sacrificing his own happiness to help her...so far she had kept it hidden – from everyone, no one knew she was in therapy, Derek hadn't asked again – if anything he had backed off, and if she was honest to herself, she missed him...she had to do this for herself, for him, to get her friend back – to move on?

The thought scared her so much, but maybe, just maybe she was done running, done avoiding – she was here after all, she might as well give it a try...

She gave a deep breath, opened her eyes to see Dr Wyatt's gaze very much on her...and began...

**Flashback**

_Meredith paced the hall floor waiting for William to make an appearance, they were already 20 minutes late for lunch and she knew his mom would be accusing them of allsorts again if they where late!_

_She looked up the stairs as she heard him coughing again, his chest sounded so sore, he had been like this for over a week now and despite the medicine, the cough seemed persistent._

_She had laid in bed awake the last few nights listening to him barking in the spare room, when the cough had began he had snuck into the spare room at the end of the hall so not to disturb Meredith, he knew how much she needed sleep to get thorough her intern year._

'_Will hurry up we are going to be late' Meredith called up the stairs 'if we are late again your mom is going to kill us'_

'_Just a second' he called back from the bedroom 'she won't freak don't worry.' He managed to squeeze out the words before he had yet another coughing fit_

'_William last time she thought i had sex hair and looked at me in disgust all through dinner'_

'_Mer...Just a second...okay' he shouted, sounding more agitated now than before_

_Meredith looked up the stairs, surprised at his reaction; he hadn't appreciated the jokes for a couple of weeks now, which really wasn't like him._

_She ran upstairs to see what exactly he was doing, as she opened the door she was surprised to see the room in darkness, and she could just make out his shadow sitting on the edge of the bed._

'_Will?' she asked quietly as she reached for the light switch flooding the light with room_

'_Turn it off, please, please turn it off.' He screamed as he covered his eyes with his hands and began to rock slowly backwards and forwards on the edge of the bed._

_She flipped the light off at once and ran forwards to William, desperate to hold him in her arms; she pulled him close and was taken aback from the heat radiating from his body._

'_Will you're burning up' she whispered as she carefully took his hands away from his eyes and placed the back of her hand across his forehead._

'_I know, this cold is really kicking my ass' he said through a half smile, his voice raspy._

'_Look lie back, please, I'll get some Tylenol to help the temperature, ill call your mom, she will understand'_

'_no Mer, just give me a few minutes ill be...' he couldn't finish his sentence as the pulsating coughs took over his body once again, and regardless of his protests Meredith helped him to lie back on the bed as she grabbed his cell off the side and left the room to make the call._

'If I had called an ambulance then, would it have been different?' she sobbed as Dr Wyatt lent forwards and offered her a tissue.

'It was a cold, just a cold...we didn't know...I should have known...I'm a doctor...'

'Meredith what you were witnessing was just a cold, of a bad case of the flu, you weren't to know, why would you think anything else. If we all took ourselves or loved ones to the ER for a cough and a temperature then there would never be a free bed in the place. This wasn't your fault.'

**Flashback**

'_Male 26, persistent cough for over a week, temp 104.3, complaining of pain in his neck and swelling to the left side...'_

'_Does he have a name?' the doctor called at the paramedics as they pushed the bed over into an exam room._

'_William, William Worthington' Meredith screamed as she ran through the ER doors, 'its William'_

_The doctor's eyes fell on Meredith as he slowly realised what was happening in front of him_

'_Meredith?'_

'_It's William, Dr Kingston, my husband, it's my husband...' she sobbed as she ran past the chief resident at Mass Gen and into the room ahead that now held her husband._

_Over the next couple of hours William was attached to a drip, nurses had been in and out taking many samples of blood for testing, and William was now sleeping, part from exhaustion, and part from the meds that where now running through his system._

_The heart rate monitor beeped away in rhythm with Williams pulse, and the temperature showed steady on the screen at 103 – still so high._

_Meredith sat in the chair to the left of the bed, her body screaming out to her to sleep, but her sheer determination to stay awake for any results or answers was winning the battle to stay up._

_She took his hand in hers as she ran her fingers over his wedding ring, and gently lent down and pressed her lips over the top of the ring and allowed her other hand to wipe the beads of sweat of his forehead that had seemed to found homage on his brow._

_She must have fallen asleep as the next thing she remembered was the soft call of his voice, _

'_Mer, baby...wake up'_

'_your awake?' she smiled as she stood up to stretch her back, before leaning down and planting a soft yet attentive kiss to his lips, and though the pain and the worry, he smiled back, grateful to have his wife's lips on his,_

'_My neck hurts Mer; do you think I could have more Tylenol or something?'_

_Meredith looked over to the bed and took a step closer again, letting her hands follow the shape of his head, soothing his hair before cupping the back of his neck with her hands and running her hands forwards to try and relax him with a gentle massage._

_She stopped suddenly as her left palm moved over a raised lump, making his neck considerably bigger on the left side._

'_Yeah...there...that's where it hurts' he said as he saw the fear sweep across her face _

'_How long...how long has your neck felt like that?' she whimpered as she tried to hold on to her emotions_

'_A while...a week maybe..._

'_A week? Why didn't you say something?_

'_You were on night shifts, I hardly saw you, and I thought it would go away...'_

_Meredith sat down on the edge of the bed, forcing herself to do so before her legs gave way._

_His glands were enlarged, he was run down, it didn't have to meet anything...he would be ok._

'How long was it Meredith? Till you knew?'

'I think, in that split second when I realised how enlarged his glands where, I think then, I knew, but I didn't admit it to myself and definitely not to will, I still don't think I excepted it even when the results were in front of us...

'_Meredith?' Dr Kingston spoke softly as he entered the room. He had noticed a sleeping William and Meredith was standing looking out at the window watching the world go by without a care in the world._

_They had been here two weeks now, tests had been run, and ran again, CTs, MRI, blood work everything..._

_At first they had feared a bad case of the flu, pneumonia even but when he didn't really respond to treatment and the anti biotic seemed to make him worse it was decided that more tests where needed._

_Late last night Dr Kingston had completed a full body scan of William, Meredith knew why, but she wasn't ready to accept it was anything serious, not now, not to her William._

'_Meredith?' Dr Kingston said again as she slowly turned around to face him._

_He saw the tears streaming down her face and as she lifted her eyes to meet his, she saw then in a split second that her worse fears where confirmed._

'_No, please no' she sobbed as her legs gave way and she crashed to the floor, broken, on her knees weeping into her hands, fighting for breathe._

'_It can't be, no, oh god no' _

_He ran forwards to Meredith and swept her up in his arms and placed her onto the chair besides Williams's bed. _

'_I'm sorry Meredith, I'm so sorry' was all he managed to say as suddenly the sound of William coughing brought them both back to the moment._

'_William' Meredith called as she sat up and moved to the side of his bed, crawling in and tucking herself along his side 'oh William'_

'_Hey' he rasped his throat to sore to manage anything else._

'_Hey gorgeous' she half smiled as she kissed him on the cheek._

_It was then he noticed the tears, and Dr Kingston now standing at the end of his bed._

_He saw the fear written over her face, and the disappointment written over his._

'_It's bad?' he croaked as Meredith sat up to face him on the bed._

_She broke down then, collapsed into his side, holding onto him tight, his heart breaking as he held onto her shaking body._

'_I'm sorry William, I know this is hard but I have to run through the details, you have to know what you are facing over the next few months...I'm sorry'_

_William nodded his head, as he ran circles over Meredith's back to sooth her._

'_Meri please baby I know this is hard, but please, I need you to be strong'_

_Meredith sat up as he spoke and tucked herself into his outstretched arm, she knew what was coming, but maybe hearing it now would make it all sink in._

'_As you know the enlarged lymph node on your neck didn't concern us initially, we thought it was your body's defence system to a heavy cold, but after 2 weeks we would expect to see changes, you becoming more active, your temperature levelling out, the cough disappearing...but that hasn't happened.'_

_William took hold of Meredith's hand in his, pressing the back of her hand to his lips as Dr Kingston continued._

'_The blood work we did showed an incredibly high white blood cell count, and the full body scan we completed last night has helped to confirm my suspicions'_

_Meredith sobbed quietly at the side of William, desperately holding back the sobs so William couldn't hear, but she couldn't avoid the shaking shoulders that he was aware of at once._

'_Just tell me please'_

'_The lymph node in your neck isn't the only one enlarged, under your left arm; your left groin area and your abdomen also show extensive swelling.'_

'_Doc please...'_

'_You have stage 4 lymphoma William its attacking your body at an alarming rate and...'_

'_And I'm going to die?' he asked calmly as Meredith dissolved at his side_

'_It's bad, you know that I can't hide that from you...but there are options...we have options'_

'_radiotherapy, chemotherapy, meds...we can start it all right away, well as soon as that temperature of yours comes further down...it's going to leave you weak, at risk of infection, but there are options, don't forget that'_

'_And my chance of survival?'_

'He looked so scared, so worried, I just wanted to fix him, I was a Doctor and at that moment I was so useless...I couldn't help him...'

'You have to stop blaming yourself Meredith; this wasn't your fault, none of it.' Dr Wyatt explained as she moved to sit next to Meredith on the couch.

This was their fifth session now, and each time she had opened up a little bit more, each time more of her and Williams story had filled the room, and every time Meredith trusted Dr Wyatt a little bit more.

'Does anyone know you are here Meredith? You don't have to go through this on your own'

Meredith looked up and for the first time since she had started the therapy sessions she saw a friend in Dr Wyatt, yet she couldn't help but feel guilty. She had friends Cristina, Alex...Derek...even Mark was slowly becoming a friend. But instead she was pouring her heart out to a stranger...it shouldn't really be that way.

'Derek, Dr Shepherd he...he left me your card...he thought it might help' she heard herself say. 'I was mad at first, but...he speaks a lot of sense...if you look past the over grown hair' she smiled as she noticed Dr Wyatt looking at her now, really looking at her. 'He mentioned he comes here, sometimes anyway, and he thinks you're really great and...Crap I shouldn't have really said that but anyway, he recommends your time or something so here I am. But he doesn't know I'm here...no one does'

Dr Wyatt was impressed with how far Meredith had come, after such a long silence in just 3 more sessions she had started talking about William, about the horrors they had to go through.

She feared what the next sessions would bring though, what they went through, the day she lost him...and she knew it was at that point that Meredith would need her friends, all of them so she had to make sure that Meredith knew now how important they were going to be.

'Friends are the family we chose for ourselves Meredith, don't push them away'


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29 – she's in therapy

Derek was wandering the halls of the hospital completing his post ops, going along with the same old things, day in, day out. If he was honest he was hoping to run into Meredith. He had only seen her a handful of times the last couple of weeks. She wasn't on his service, she seemed to be working night shifts a lot more or be busy in other parts of the hospital – she had become a bit of an enigma too hard to track down.

They had text each other, a lot. But face to face conversation had become almost impossible. The truth was they had hardly really spoken, beyond the odd hello since the day he had left out the business card. She had been angry, he knew that, but he thought he had got through to her, made her see he was acting in her best interests, because he cared!

He had feared she would pull away, she had promised she didn't hate him, but the not seeing her and the occasional greeting was worse in a way. He missed her. It was almost like in the hospital that she avoided him, made herself busy. But the texts didn't stop, and every night at 11 she had got into the pattern of sending good night!

He knew she had been out to the trailer a few times, but always alone, she left little signs of her presence – the lavender scent, a sweater, a water bottle, even a half eaten tuna sandwich one day! He smiled to himself as he thought if anyone else had left that out on the side he would have freaked, but for Meredith he made excuses', and didn't mind. After all she was probably in the middle of eating it and got paged back to the hospital or something!

BEEEEP BEEEEEP

His pager flicked into life on his scrub pants – psych! He looked at the patients notes he still had to finish and sighed! He would have to go up to psych and then come back down and finish ...he looked at his watch, he should have finished an hour ago, he was exhausted, he was beginning to forget what the trailer even looked like!

He made a quick call from the nearest nurses' station and was asked to head to the fourth floor to do a neuro exam on a patient up there, fallen out of the bed whilst fighting restraints'!

He headed upstairs in the lift, it was empty but his senses where suddenly heightened, the smell...the lavender...she was here somewhere; she had been in the lift there was no mistaking that scent. He smiled to himself and promised that he would track her down before he left and begin to forge the gap that had grown between them. He wouldn't let her pull away – if she didn't want therapy and his help fine, but she needed his friendship – and he needed hers!

As he headed out of the elevator his eyes fell on the familiar sign up ahead

DR K WYATT

He hadn't seen her for a couple of weeks, maybe it was time he booked a visit – he had new worries now as well as all his previous pain.

He was about to head through the double doors up ahead when his attention was drawn to the door behind him

'Meredith please...'

His head snapped around at once as the sound of sobs filled the corridor as he watched her fly down the empty hall way and disappear through a door to the left.

His eyes looked up at the now open door, and Dr Wyatt appeared.

She noticed Derek and as their eyes met she gave a silent nod, that to so many would have been missed...but to Derek...that nod held a thousand words.

She was in therapy.

His heart was aching as he thought of the picture he had just witnessed, she was hurting.

She was in therapy.

He knew he was on his way to a patient but he couldn't just leave her, and as he moved down the hall towards the room that Meredith had fled too he put in a page to shadow shepherd.

She was in therapy.

As he opened the door his heart broke...

She was in therapy

**1 hour earlier**

Meredith was dreading this session, she had made progress, she knew that, but so far it had been avoided. She had, at times come to enjoy the therapy sessions – her initial reservations had been diminished somewhat as she found that she could really open up to Dr Wyatt, something she never expected, and the thought that what she shared in that room, never had to be repeated – unless she chose to had begun to make the session more bearable – until today.

As much as the conversations had centred on William, Dr Wyatt had still not given up on the chance to get Meredith to open up to her friends.

She was aware that this was still very much a personal battle that Meredith was dealing with alone, and even thought she was making progress everything would be hindered if she didn't open up to more people.

The Last session William had hardly even been mentioned. Instead Dr Wyatt focussed on the 3 main people in Meredith's life – Cristina, Alex, and Derek. She tried to understand what it was that was stopping Meredith telling them about therapy. But over and over again Meredith had insisted she wasn't ready, and how she had to do this herself.

Meredith couldn't explain why – after all Alex and Cristina knew all about the battle that William and Meredith went through, they had pulled her out of the darkest times – did she feel weak for going to therapy? Would they think they had failed as friends, that they couldn't help her?

And Derek... Derek had been the one to plant the seed to attend. He had given her a lifeline when she didn't even realise she was looking for one. He had opened the door to a future for her...was she ashamed of her initial reaction to his idea? She knew he came here, to Dr Wyatt, but still she had kept it a secret – from everyone.

Today's conversation was to be about William, their past and their struggle. Until today Dr Wyatt had never pushed for more – never focused on the day that Meredith's world had ended.

It had taken her a good hour to even get to the hospital that morning. She wasn't meant to be at work for another 3 hours, and the thought of therapy before her shift scared her so much today.

He had died, she had lost him – and now Dr Wyatt needed her to speak about it...

As she had pulled into the parking lot she had stayed in the car for a long time, avoiding the 10 minute walk up to the office.

Finally dragging her feet down the corridor she knocked on the door and went inside.

It didn't take long for Dr Wyatt to lead the conversation around to William. It was like pulling off a band aid, Meredith thought to herself – but worse...so much worse...

'_Meredith' Dr Kingston spoke softly as he came out of Williams's room and sat himself down on the floor next to her._

_She looked up at his face, desperate to see a sign of hope written across it. _

'_Is he?' she managed to whisper before the sobs took over her body once again and her she began to shake uncontrollably_

'_Meredith, he is still here...we had to shock him 3 times...but he is here'_

_Meredith looked up, unable to believe what she was hearing. 'You mean he isn't...?'_

'_No Meredith he isn't'_

'_Then why don't you look happy, we should be happy right? Why am I still sitting on the floor fearing my life is over when he is in there alive' Meredith asked as she stood up slowly unsure if her legs could keep her upright...'I mean there where beeps, and crashing, and panicking...I thought he had gone...and he is alive?' she raised her voice slightly as still she got no reaction from Dr Kingston._

'_Meredith it's...'_

'_Its what?' she interrupted 'Either my husband is alive behind that door or he isn't? And as you just told me he is then I really don't want to hear any more when I could be in there with him' she shot past and flung the door open, unprepared for what she was about to see in front of her._

_Dr Kingston heard the gasp from outside the room, he had meant to warn her, prepare her...but he hadn't got the chance._

_Meredith stood routed to the spot staring at the bed that held her husband. _

_Tubes and wires and monitors surrounded William...checking his heart rate, his oxygen levels..._

_Meredith felt the sudden presence of someone beside her shoulder_

'_I'm sorry I wanted to explain'_

'_What's going on? You said he was ok...'_

'_Meredith I need you to sit down a minute ok'_

_She felt her feet suddenly begin to lead the way to the chair, but her head was spinning...nothing was making sense...he was alive'_

'_William is on a ventilator, but I think you can see that, we managed to restart his heart..._

'_But he can't breathe on his own?' she cut in 'he can't breathe' _

_It was a good job she was sitting down or she would have collapsed on the floor, _

_Her breathing became more erratic_

_She was struggling for her own breath_

'_But he cant...oh my...he is...alive...is he going to wake up?' she managed to get out as she placed her head in her hands on broke down._

'_Meredith, William is weak, his body isn't responding to the treatments, we knew that...'_

'_But you said we would keep trying...we have to try...'_

'_Meredith the lymphoma is rife throughout his body now'_

'_But...'_

'_I'm sorry Meredith I'm so sorry'_

Dr Wyatt looked on at Meredith as she just about held it together as she told the story.

She was proud of her; a few weeks ago she had never imagined she would get Meredith to open up about his last days.

'How long Meredith?

_That night felt like the longest night of her life. He was on a ventilator, he couldn't breathe by himself, it wasn't supposed to be like this._

_She sat on the side of the bed, just staring at her husband, her eyes taking in every inch of him, memorising his every feature, desperate to never forget._

_Her gaze rested on his hairless head, she couldn't help but smile as she remembered the day he begged her to shave his head, he wanted to look like a thug for once in his life...before the treatment robbed him of his hair. He wanted to face everything with dignity; he wanted to fight this from the moment he found out! He had never given up..._

_They were meant to be together forever, life wasn't meant to be like this. They were soul mates..._

'_Meredith, you need to wake up' _

_She heard the sympathetic tones of Dr Kingston's voice as she stirred and realised she had fallen asleep on the bed._

'_Meredith – it's...'_

'_Don't say it please...'_

'_I'm sorry; you have to make a decision.'_

'_How can I?' she sobbed. How can I decide to end his life, I can't do it...'_

_She ran out of the room, her heart fragmented into a million pieces, the tears streaming down her face and as she approached the elevator she came face to face with his parents._

'_Meredith'_

_She ran straight into Mrs Worthington's arms, the lady she classed as her own mother: the women who made her believe that loving mothers did exist._

'_Oh god no Meredith no' she sobbed as she held her daughter in laws broken body in her arms_

'_Is he...oh my goodness...no...is he...'_

_Meredith managed to squeeze out some information...through the sobs, and before she knew it was been lead back down the corridor to Williams room._

_They asked if they could go in, alone, and Meredith had agreed, she placed her hands on the glass and peered through the blind that covered the window to his room._

_She watched them cry, sob, scream, shake their heads, touch him, kiss him..._

'_Its time Meredith...its time' _

She was in therapy

He didn't waste any time in rushing down beside Meredith and wrapping her in his arms, his hand stroking her back in small, slow circles to try and ease her pain.

He wasn't sure if he should speak or not, so for now he sat there on the floor of a supply closet just holding her shaking form.

She wasn't pushing him away, but she wasn't acknowledging him either...

'I...cant...I...didn't...I...' she gasped as she reached out and grabbed his hand

He held her hand as she continued to clutch on with all her strength. He could feel the shaking sending vibrations down his arm as her whole body began to shake more.

'Slow down. Just slow down. Shh...'

'I...I...I can't...'

'Its Okay Meredith, it's okay, you need to slow down, and you need to breathe'

'I'm...I'm sorry'

'Meredith you have nothing to be sorry for' he whispered as he reached up and grabbed a paper bag from up off the shelf

She was really struggling now as the panic attack took over her body

'You need to breathe Meredith Slow deep breaths now. Slow deep breaths. Just breathe in the bag.'

She seized the bag tight as her breathing began to slow, Derek never letting go of her hand, and his other hand that previously rubbed her back now moving the loose hair out of her eyes

As her breathing continued to slow, and she gradually began to control the shaking, she felt herself lean into him, resting her head on his shoulder, feeling safe as he encompassed her. Holding her close.

'I didn't get...I didn't get to say goodbye' she whispered, still nestled into his side.

He held her in tighter as he heard her confession 'goodbye?' he thought to himself as slowly the pieces of her jigsaw began to move closer together.

She began to stir in his arms and as she pulled away for the first time since he had entered the cupboard their eyes met.

'I'm OK.' She half smiled as she let go of his hand

'You're OK' he returned the smile, feeling the sudden absence of her hand in his

'Thank you.'

'You're welcome.'

Their eyes met, for a little longer than either of them was expecting... before she shot up and left the room leaving Derek sitting on the floor – staring at the door she had just escaped through...

'She didn't get to say goodbye...'

BZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZ

His thoughts were distracted as his phone began to vibrate in his pocket and as he took it out of his pocket he was surprised to see a text...from Meredith

'I want to let you in – trailer? Xx '


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30 –William**

She was late.

Well he didn't actually know she was late, she had never actually stipulated a time, but it was almost dark out, he had been back at the trailer a good few hours now – waiting – and she still hadn't shown up.

When he had got the text earlier in the day, he had responded at once, no hesitation, he promised to be there – and he was.

She was in therapy and she was trying. He would never give up on her.

He couldn't believe how courageous she had been. His heart broke for her as he pictured her crying earlier in the supply closet. How distressed and emotional she was. Whatever it was she was going through it was like she was locked in her own isolated box, not willing to come out, and no one had the key. But in that split second when she had text, something must have changed in Meredith, she wanted to open up to him, she trusted him.

Did he hold the key?

He had so many questions. How long had she been going to therapy? Was it since his suggestion? Was it her first session? What had happened to William? But he knew he couldn't ask, he promised himself he wouldn't pry. He would let her speak; share what she felt comfortable with, no pressure.

He cracked open a beer as he laid back in the chair, it wasn't cold out, and the lights on the decking illuminated the area just enough to light up the pages of the book he was reading.

He waited.

Meredith sat in the arm chair that was tucked in underneath the window in her bedroom and looked at her watch. He would be waiting for her she knew that. She hadn't actually been back all that long, Bailey had her busy in the pit most of the afternoon, and then a car crash just before the end of her shift had her heading into the OR instead of out to the trailer. It had kept her busy at least – and given her more time!

But now, as the enormity of what she was about to do sank in, she was scared. When she had text him earlier, it seemed like the right thing to do, it was time, to let someone in, to let Derek in. She had fled the closet before she had spilled any more – that wasn't the right place, she knew that and as soon as her legs had carried her back into the elevator she sent the text she knew Derek had been waiting for.

She did want to let him in.

She cradled her phone in her hands. This had been her life line the last few weeks. She had avoided Derek in the hospital; she had ran away from his friendship, face to face at least. But texts, those she had used so many times. She knew he was confused and she knew she owed him an explanation for this – and more.

It would be so easy now, to send a text, apologise and say she was stuck in the hospital and could they rearrange, and as much as part of her really wanted to do that she knew she couldn't, she couldn't avoid.

That's progress right?

She stood up and looked around the room. She walked over to her dressing table and picked up her wedding picture and ran her fingers over the glass. She opened the back and let her fingers gently cares the letter that the frame held.

'I don't want to be alone' she whispered as she echoed the words that William had written and carefully closed the back of the frame and carefully placed the photograph into her bag.

She placed her wedding ring back on her finger. She had taken to wearing it around the house again, or out in the town – but never at the hospital. She couldn't face the questions, the wandering eyes, the gossips. But tonight, at the trailer she felt that she owed it to William, and Derek to wear it.

As she pulled up at the trailer she was nervous to say the least. She had practiced on the drive over there, what to say, how to say it and made a deal with herself not to cry – not tonight, to be strong but as she closed the car door and headed for the deck she had almost accepted that it was a deal she wouldn't be able to keep.

'Hi' she whispered as she stood up onto the decking, her eyes meeting his as he looked up from the book he was reading

'you came' he smiled as he lifted himself up out of the chair and took a few steps towards her unable to contain the yawn that was sweeping over his body.

'I know it's late, you're probably exhausted, it's ok if you are, I could go...I should go'

'Meredith I don't care what time it is...'

'And you need sleep I can't be responsible for keeping the world's best neuro surgeon awake all night...'

'Meredith its fine, I'm not tired, I'm not at work tomorrow unless there is an emergency' he smiled as he stepped closer again and swept her golden locks out of her face.

'I would have waited all night if I had to'

She looked up and held his gaze for a few seconds longer then she should feel comfortable with, but as she did so she saw compassion, honestly and loyalty sparking through

'I want to let you in' she sighed as she mirrored the words of her earlier text.

Derek took hold of her hand, (trying to ignore the spark he felt running through his whole body the moment their fingers met) but as his fingers intertwined with hers he jerked back suddenly as he felt the sudden presence of cold around one of her fingers.

She saw the pain on his face instantly as he continued to guide her over to the chair, his eyes now not leaving the space that held their hands.

'_She was married...she wears the ring...' _

'I know what you are thinking' she said softly as she sank down into the chair, and moved to the side and tapped the space on the cushion beside her as she reached forwards and placed her bag on the table.

'Sit with me, please?'

He looked down at her tiny frame as she scooted over to the edge of the chair, leaving more than enough room for him, he took a deep breath and carefully sat down, their thighs touching, his pulse rate racing due to their close proximity...and the nerves for what she was about to say.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Meredith circling the ring around her finger, her hands shaking as fear began to creep in...What if he didn't understand? What if he felt she had lied about everything? What if he hated her?

She took a deep breath and leaned forward to the bag she had placed on the table. Before she knew what was happening his hands where over hers, controlling the shaking, and soothing his thumb over the back of her hand.

'It's ok' he said quietly as he wrapped her hands in his 'its ok, no rush Meredith, if you don't want to...'

'Thank you' she said softly, as she felt the first tear escape down her chin 'thank you for your patience, but I have to do this'

'William was, is, the love of my life, he was my world, my everything. The day I met him it was love at first sight, which is cheesy and pathetic and I thought only happened on the big screen, but it happened to me'

Derek looked on in awe as the way Meredith's face lit up as she spoke about William; she smiled and laughed as she revisited how they had met.

'we were 17, One minute I was carrying books to the library , the next minute he was picking them up for me off the floor, he saw they were medical books and we got talking...and never really stopped!'

His attention was drawn to the bag on the table as she reached forwards and pulled out a photograph in a frame

He held his breath as she placed it on his lap and his eyes fell down to the picture that was held behind the glass.

He was a doctor; he knew what he was looking at

'we found out that he had lymphoma, and at first he fought it, for a long time he fought it' her voice was beginning to break now as she got to the part of the story she was dreading, but the part she knew she had to share.

'We rushed forwards a wedding, we didn't want to spend another day not been married to each other, and we got our honeymoon, just a few days...it was all he could manage.'

'What happened Meredith?' he asked as he took her left hand in his, his right hand lifting her chin so she was looking at him. 'What happened?'

'The lymphoma was bad, stage 4, we lived at the hospital, and I never went home...I had to be close.'

'_Meredith its time...'_

_Dr Kingston was standing beside her, watching on through the glass as his parents made their way out of his room._

'_How can I?' she sobbed as they held the door open for Meredith to go in._

_She walked into the room, knowing she was about to end his life, or her decision was anyway._

_She hadn't spoken to him._

_He was going to drift away and she would never get to tell him goodbye, hear him say I love you again, kiss him and feel him kiss her back..._

'_William, I know you can't hear me but...' she gasped as the tears took over her body and her tiny frame began to shake._

_From the window his parents and Dr Kingston looked on, desperate to run in there and hold her, help her, but each knowing that they had to leave her there, she had to do this._

'_You are the love of my life; no one will ever replace you. You gave me the life I never thought I'd have...I will love you forever William, forever and more..._

'_Meredith, I'm sorry but its time'_

'_What no, a few more minutes please, you can't just unplug him like you would the TV when you were going on vacation...he is a person...you can't just...unplug...him'_

_She collapsed on the floor, her legs giving way as the devastation took hold of her body._

'_No, please...noooo'_

'_Meredith you have to agree we can't do it without your say' Dr Kingston said, holding back the tears as he witnessed Meredith falling apart before his eyes._

'_How...how...I love him ...so much...please...there must be...something, please' she begged as her tears began to form small pools on the floor where she lay weeping._

'_I wish I could give you hope Meredith, I wais hi could change everything, but we have done everything we can, William has fought from day one, but his body is exhausted, he can't take it anymore, he doesn't want to leave you, but he needs to, its time Meredith'_

'_I love him so much...so much...'_

'_I know Meredith, believe me I know...do this for him, let him go'_

_She looked up from the space on the floor her miniature body filled; her vision was blurry now, the tears clouding her sight as they continued to stream down her face._

'_I do, I do love him' she whimpered as she allowed her head to nod, to give the ok for the machines to be closed down._

_Shakily she stood, DR Kingston helping her keep her balance as she took a few unsteady steps towards the bed. She lowered the side of the bed and climbed in alongside William._

'_Ok' she said as DR Kingston stood to the side of the machine, his hand hovering over the plug_

'_How long?' she managed to ask as the sobs continued to shake her body_

'_It can be different Meredith; it can be minutes, hours...but soon...'_

'_soon' she whispered as she turned on her side and captured William with her hands, her lips pressing to his cheeks, his lips...'ok'_

_The beeping stopped_

_The whirring of the machines stopped_

_The oxygen stopped_

_There was silence until..._

_Meredith's screams filled the room_

She was crying now, as she told the events of the lymphoma and of Williams last few hours.

It was taking every inch of Derek's self control not to pull her in close to him and promise her everything would be alright, but he didn't know that...he didn't know if she would be alright.

'he held on for a while, a couple of hours without the machines...I was expecting it to be quick, instant, but it wasn't, even until his very last breath he was fighting to stay alive, to stay with me...it was almost like time stood still for a while, like he didn't want to go' she couldn't hold on any more as the emotions ravaged her body and her sobs echoed around the woods – reflecting off every tree and travelling through the darkness.

He couldn't watch her fall apart right beside him; he closed the small gap between them and wrapped his arms around her, desperately hoping that she wouldn't be mad for his closeness.

He breathed a small sigh of relief as she turned her body, and allowed herself to be held, burying her head in his shoulder, his arms engulfing her and rubbing soothing circles around her back, his head tucking in alongside hers, her scent, the lavender filling his senses, warming his body at how close they were.

She slowly pulled out of his grasp and wiped her eyes, as his never left her.

'You are so brave Meredith,'

'I'm not, I'm a mess...'

'You're not a mess, you want to get through this, and you are trying to get through this...'

'I'm letting you in...'

'Your letting me in' he smiled as he cupped her cheek in his hand 'there is no magic wand to make it all better, not over night, but this is a start...you made a start.'

'Thank you'

'For what'

'Just thank you' she smiled as she leaned into him again and rested her head on his shoulder.

He instinctively wrapped his left arm around her, and put his feet up to rest on the low table that stood next to the chair and pulled her in close.

'Derek?'

'Yeah?'

'Can I stay? Tonight...with you...here...would you mind if I...' she rambled

He cut her off before she could finish her sentence

'You know you don't have to ask' he said as he ran his hand over her arm and the warmth in his heart grew stronger as she nestled further again into his side, tucking her legs up underneath her.

He reached down to the cooler he kept to the side of the chair and pulled out two beers, offering one to Meredith as he cracked off the lids.

She smiled thoughtfully as she sat up and took the beer.

'To letting you in' she forced a smile out as she raised her bottle towards his and gently they clinked the class together

'To William' he heard himself whisper, surprising himself and Meredith

And for the first time since she had arrived he saw a look of hope spread across her face

'To William'


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31 dance it out**

'Sssshhh' Cristina motioned to Alex as she noticed him walking down the stairs.

'What's with the music...?' he asked looking puzzled as he came to stand next to Cristina.

'Sssshhh' she repeated again as she pointed into the kitchen.

They smirked at one another as they took in at the sight before them, their gaze falling on Meredith dancing around the kitchen, singing her heart out (out of tune) to a Duran Duran song. They watched her twirl and spin and couldn't help but smile at the happiness her body seemed to be radiating today – this was new, this was more like the old Meredith they knew and loved so much, the Meredith that had been hidden away since she lost William, since before that if they were honest.

There laughter stopped Meredith in her samba steps...

'How long have you been there?' she puffed as she grabbed a class of water and jumped up on the counter top pulling her hair back into a hair band.

'Long enough – hoping to make it onto dancing with the stars when you're a hot shot fancy neuro surgeon? Alex laughed as he sat down at the table.

'Seriously Mer, what's with the dancing?' Cristina huffed as she jumped up next to Meredith on the counter 'you kind of look like you had your fingers in the socket with all those crazy arm jabs or something.'

'Just dancing it out' she smiled as she took a sip of her water

Cristina and Alex looked at one another and burst into laughter again

'Ok where's Meredith, what have you done with her?' Cristina smiled as she put her hand on her head as if to take her temperature 'we don't dance!'

'I'm trying, besides dancing makes you brave' she smirked as she jumped down and flicked the radio back on, before pulling Alex to his feet and dancing around again.

Cristina shook her head, surveying the scene before her 'this is crazy dancing cant...PUT ME DOWN' she shrieked as Alex picked her up and flung her over his shoulder as he spun around and sang out of tune with Meredith.

'Dancing makes you brave' he laughed as Cristina kicked her arms and legs to try and escape his grasp

'Brave...stupid more like...You are going to be sorry when you put me down' she screamed as she struggled to get out of his hold that had suddenly got tighter

Meredith continued to dance, hopping from foot to foot and twirling like she didn't have a care in the world, and she couldn't help but think that right now, at that minute, she didn't!

Ever since she had told Derek about William two weeks earlier she had felt lighter...like everything wasn't resting on her shoulders. Derek hadn't changed around her once he knew, he was still the same person he always was, and the fact that he didn't look at her with pity had taken her by surprise. She expected him to ask more questions, probe once he knew she had been to another therapy session – but he didn't, not once. He always waited for Meredith to find him, to tell him how things were; he really was a good friend.

Dr Wyatt was right, friends did help and as she looked over at Alex struggling to keep hold of cristina she couldn't help but smile – this wasn't home, she didn't think she would ever be able to think of anywhere as home again, but they were trying to make it feel as close as they possibly could. She almost felt like she was cheating them by not telling them about therapy...if she could open up to Derek then surely she could tell her friends...her family.

As the song came to an end, Alex took pity on Cristina and placed her back on the counter top – and ran. Cristina responded at once, setting off after Alex, determined to kick his ass...

'I'm in therapy' Meredith blurted out before she realised what she said, the words stopping cristina quick in her tracks, every thought of revenge on Alex quickly pushed from her mind as she turned to face Meredith, Alex reappearing at the door unsure of what he just heard.

'I'm in therapy' she repeated as she allowed her eyes to meet those of her friends for the first time since the music stopped.

'Tequila?' Alex asked as he walked over to the drinks cabinet and lifted out the liquor

'Yeah I need it' Cristina replied at once

'I meant Meredith' he laughed

'Pass me that bottle' ordered Cristina as she took it from Alex's hands and took a long gulp.

The room remained quiet as Alex and Meredith watched her down more tequila and fear began to sweep over Meredith's face – would they not understand? Would they hate her for not telling them sooner? Would they think they had failed as friends?

'Are you crazy?' she asked as she sat down at the table and faced Meredith.

Meredith looked up, half relieved that Cristina had spoke, but disappointed at the tone in her voice. 'no I'm not crazy...its therapy...and it helps or something...talking to someone who can't tell a soul is actually quite liberating...I thought it was an insult when he suggested...I thought the same, I thought he thought I was crazy, needed sectioning..But he was right, which pains me to say, but he was'

'He?' Alex asked as he took his place at the table.

Meredith remained quiet for a few moments before looking up and taking in her friends faces before her. 'Yeah he. Dr Shepherd, Derek, He pointed me in the right direction, let me see the wood from the trees or whatever and hasn't even said I told you so!'

'Whoa therapy must be working.' Alex said bluntly

'What do you mean by that?' Meredith asked,

'you got the phrase right the wood and the trees...it made sense, that's a first' Alex smirked as he poured out 3 shots of tequila into the glasses on the table and slid one each across to the two women in his life.

'Hang on a second; he hasn't even said I told you so? He knew you were in therapy? Seriously? You told Dr Fricking shepherd before us?' Cristina yelled as she stood up and through the tequila down her throat at the speed of light.

'Cristina!' Alex bellowed as she marched out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Alex quickly got out of his seat and went around the table and squatted down on the floor by Meredith. 'She will come round, she is your person, and she wants to be here for you'

'Really looks like it' Meredith sniffed as Alex reached over and wiped the tears from her cheeks that had already fallen.

'for what it's worth, I'm proud of you Meredith' she smiled as she lifted her head back up 'and I'm proud of Derek too, we have had beers twice this week and he never said a word – he is a good guy.'

'He is...like you Alex, you are a good guy

Their conversation was inurupted as the sound of the door bell filled the air.

'Who's that?' Meredith asked as she stood up and looked back at Alex

'That's the wonder of the door Mer, you actually open it and you get an answer' he smirked

'Ass' she laughed as she wiped her eyes and headed to the door.

As she swung the door open, she was surprised to see Derek standing before her

'Hi' he beamed as his eyes took in the sight before him, something was off. 'You've been crying?' he asked as he stepped into the hallway.

'What are you doing here?'

'I asked you first' he teased, and felt relief as she smiled over at him

'Drink?' she asked as she walked back into the kitchen and threw Alex a look of confusion

'Derek' Alex said as he stood and beckoned him to join him at the table 'we were just talking about you'

'What, no we weren't' Meredith screeched as she stood alongside Alex and placed the heel of her boot down on his foot 'ass' she hissed

Derek looked on, confused at the dialogue between the pair.

'What's going on?' he asked

'She's in therapy but you already know that right'

All 3 of them were surprised by Cristina's sudden reappearance as she stomped though the kitchen, picked up a new tequila shot and went out onto the back porch. Alex mouthed sorry to Meredith before following Cristina, with promises to talk some sense into her.

'You told them?' Derek smiled as he stepped towards Meredith, closing the gap between them.

'I did' she whispered as her eyes fell to the floor, unable to keep the link with his 'and she's mad, hating me even. Not one of your better ideas' she forced a smile as Derek sat down on the chair nearest to her. 'But I did it for you, or because of you or whatever.'

'What do you mean because of me?'

'ever since you found out you have just treated me the same, nothing changed, you became a better friend if anything' she smiled as she continued 'you made me see that it is ok to let people in 'you made me think everyone would be like you' she sighed as she poured out two tequilas and passed one to Derek

'I'm not clone able' he smirked as he looked at the glass in front of him as Meredith drank her tequila in one!

The sound of her cell phone filled the room and as she ran to retrieve it from another room she motioned to the fridge – beer! He smiled as he watched her disappear down the hall way.

He eye balled the tequila before throwing it back, what the hell he thought, every little helps...especially for what he was about to do next!

He grabbed three beers, took a deep breath and walked out onto the back porch. He wasn't going to let Cristina undo all of Meredith's hard work; she needed her friends – all of them.

Alex looked up as he heard the porch door open, his yes met Derek's and he could tell at once why he was there. He stood up, took a beer off Derek and made his way back inside leaving the 2 relative strangers (outside of the hospital) alone on the porch.

He stood for a few moments, plucking up courage to move closer and talk to Cristina, he took a deep breath and was about to move over to the seat vacated by Alex.

'You obviously came outside to say something' she snapped

'Urm...it's just'

'I never had you down as a mumbling fool; guess all that hair styling has fried your brain'

'What I wanted to say was'

'look Meredith might think you are some kind of hero, but I don't, so whatever it is spit it out before I start to turn grey cause your taking too long.'

Derek closed his eyes for a second, determined to stay calm, he didn't want to make anything worse, not for Meredith. But he couldn't sit back and watch her best friend ignore the fact that she was in therapy – she had to know how much of a big step that was for Meredith to tell her.

'Meredith told you something today, something that she has wanted to tell you for a long time' he began as he finally moved into the seat opposite Cristina, offering her the beer as he sat.

Surprised by his offer, she took the beer and looked up

'What's this?'

'If you have to ask then maybe you shouldn't be drinking it' he smirked, a move that made Cristina relax as she settled back into the seat and took a swig.

'Thanks, beats that tequila crap'

'My thoughts exactly. You know we aren't so different you and I' he said quietly, hoping not to get too much of a reaction

'And how do you work that out exactly? I have good hair, you have...ken doll hair, you live in a tin can, I have a house, you love brains, and I love hearts...'

'we both want Meredith to be happy, to be able to deal with the past, to have a chance of the future she deserves' he butted in and for the first time, perhaps ever, Cristina looked at him, really looked at him, not as the surgeon, not as the head of neuro, but as the person – Derek shepherd – and as much as it hurt her to say it – he was human after all.

Cristina felt ashamed in an instant of her reaction; she sat in silence, flicking at the label on the beer bottle, unsure what to say.

'I know you must be frustrated, Meredith is your best friend, and you have been there for her the whole way through this impossible nightmare, from the beginning, and yet she chose to tell me first..'

'I think that's why I'm angry, why you, what have you done to deserve her confiding in you?' she spoke quietly, there was no malice in her voice this time, she was hurt Meredith had chose Derek to talk to, that much was obvious.

'I don't think it's that she didn't want to tell you, it was about finding the right time'

'How long have you known?'

'Two weeks now, not long really'

'And how long has she being going?'

'That's not my story to tell, you need to talk to Meredith about it, about everything. Her telling you she was in therapy was such a stepping stone for her, Dr Wyatt will have been asking her for weeks to open up to people'

'You know her therapist? Have you got the room bugged or something?'

'No...I've been there...'

'What? You have been to therapy...with Mer...Oh this just gets more insulting by the second...'

'Not with Meredith no'

'then what the hell are you on ...oh...oh...' realization fell over her face as she realised what Derek was saying

'Yeah oh! I know what she is going through in therapy, I've been to therapy, after Addison, after everything, I've been, I go...it was my idea.'

Cristina sat in shock for a few minutes; first Meredith was in therapy, and now Derek, DR shepherd, hell she didn't know what she was meant to call him.

'I know you are hurting, but believe me, she wanted to let you in, please don't push her away, let her talk to you, when she is ready...she needs you'

'Dr Shepherd – Derek, thank you, for being there for her, really, thank you.'

'there is nowhere else I'd want to be, she needs her friends around her, even when she wants to pull away, we can't let her, she has to keep moving forwards.'

Derek was joined by Alex out on the porch and as the pair shared another beer and the night sky began to creep in, upstairs Cristina was pacing outside Meredith's room.

'I know you are there so you might as well just come in'

Cristina took a deep breath, she had some making up to do, this was against her better nature, to her apologising was a sign of weakness; but not now, now it was all she could think of doing

'I'm sorry' she half smiled as she walked in and sat on the edge of the bed, taking note of the photographs and items that sat on the other side of the bed by Meredith's feet.

'I know' Meredith smiled back 'and I'm sorry that you found out by me blurting it out, after Derek, and I wish I could go back in time and change everything, but I can't'

'I was out of order, which pains me to say, this could be a first, you did what you needed to do, and if that was letting Derek in, then I understand. I want you to be happy; I want you to move on'

'It's not about moving on as such' Meredith spoke softly, holding Cristina's gaze, 'it's about learning how to live each day without wanting to disappear, run away, avoid. It's about trying to have a future filled with happy memories and not just heartache.'

'My reaction earlier, was out of order, Derek is...let's just say I totally misjudged him, but don't tell him I said that, we can't have his big head getting any bigger' she laughed and relaxed as Meredith smiled too.

'What's all this?' Cristina asked as she pointed to the paraphernalia laid out over the bed

Meredith took a deep breath, and began 'Dr Wyatt, the therapist, she asked me to collect memories, pictures, letters, anything really, anything that reminded me of the good times, the happy times...and, I just felt like getting started. Williams's mom rang before, she shared some of her memories...and it just made me want to collect my own.'

Cristina looked at Meredith as she started to collect the items into a pile, to put away safe, amazed that as Meredith spoke there were no tears. For the first time in months, since William passed even, for the first time she had mentioned him and not broke down, maybe therapy wasn't so crazy after all?

'Is Derek still here?' she asked

'Yeah he is, ensuring our beer supply depletes rapidly too'

'I'll buy more beer' Meredith laughed

'I'll hold you to that' Cristina replied as she stood back off the bed, a move Meredith followed

'I love you cristina yang'

'I'm gonna hug you now'

As Cristina and Meredith hugged and put earlier events behind them they were surprised to hear a coughing at the door as Derek appeared

'Sorry to interrupt, but it was quiet, and well Alex was too scared to come and check, so he sent me'

'So you are Alex's lap dog now shepherd?' Cristina quipped as she went to leave the bedroom.

'Is it wrong that I just wanted to see if you were ok' he smiled at Meredith as she walked towards him slowly.

His heart beat was racing as she got closer, and the lavender scent began to invade his senses.

She stopped within inches of him, their toes almost touching

'Thank you' she whispered wrapping her arms around his neck, her hands running over his shoulders and enveloping him into a hug. He responded at once, wrapping his arms around her waist, their bodies so close, he was praying he could control any other feelings that may take over his body.

He couldn't believe she was so close, her head buried now into his shoulder, the scent once again taking over him as he breathed her in.

To be held so closely by someone again felt amazing, Derek felt amazing, his body touching hers made her feel safe,

'Derek?' She said as she pulled away slowly, as she took his hand in hers 'its Wednesday night'

'Yeah I know that' he laughed with uncertainty

'usually a Wednesday is the one night all of us are home together, and well, its movie night, chick flicks, old classics, anything goes really...and well tonight it's my pick...and...What I'm trying to say is will you stay? For movie night? Will you stay?' she blushed as she finished the sentence, but had no idea why.

'He is your friend' she thought to herself, 'friends hang out'

'I'd love to' he smiled as the pair began to make their way downstairs, their hands still interlinked, neither ready to let go just yet.

As they approached the living room they spotted Alex sprawled out in the arm chair nearest the window, and Cristina lay out on cushions on the floor by the fire place.

'We figured shepherd might be joining us' Alex offered as he pointed to the couch, with more than enough room for two.

'Yeah that's ok right? I mean Wednesday night is friends night, and Derek is my friend, your friend too, so he is here, staying, for the movie, he is staying' she asked her friends as she walked over to the DVDs to make her choice.

'Dude, don't judge her on her movie choice, she has terrible taste' Alex joked across the room

'I do not' she squealed as she threw the DVD at cristina to place in the machine, as she settled into the couch beside Derek, both of them sitting towards one end of the couch, Derek leaning into the arm rest, and Meredith very much leaning into him, something that didn't go unnoticed by Alex, or cristina, but neither choosing to make a fuss of it – she needed her friends, he was her friend.

'Cant buy me love?' Cristina moaned as she saw the movie titles fill the screen

'Dude?' Alex spat

'What? I love this movie' Meredith laughed 'it's better than any action or horror crap you to usually pick and young Patrick Dempsey is just so adorable'

'For what it's worth I love this movie' Derek smiled as he allowed his arm to move around Meredith and pull her slightly closer to her

'Me too; Meredith smiled 'me too'


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32 stay with me

Neither of them had seen all that much of the film, Meredith had fallen asleep first, tucked into the side of Derek on the couch, her legs tucked up underneath her and her head planted gently on his chest, he had smiled to himself at how perfect it felt to have her there, so close to him, and as his arm had wrapped tighter around her it wasn't long till he had drifted off and given in to exhaustion too.

'How is he sleeping through that noise?' a bemused Alex asked Cristina as they looked over to the couch at the sleeping pair.

'Should we wake them? Her? We should definitely wake her?' Cristina asked as she got up from the cushions on the floor.

'Really? Do you think? They just look so...'

'Comfy?' Cristina asked as she threw the blanket over them

'yeah' they both smiled as they made their way out of the room, and up to bed, it was late now and they had to be up early for pre rounds so they didn't really have time to fuss over whether to wake them or not.

Meredith and Derek remained fast asleep for a good couple of hours, neither moving nor stirring from their cocoon on the couch until the sound of the rain hammering against the window woke Derek with a start. He jumped as the wind howled and the window panes began to shake.

He looked down to his side, amazed to see Meredith still there, he was her pillow, she hadn't gone up to bed, and Cristina and Alex hadn't moved them.

'Meredith?' he whispered as he allowed his left hand to move up and move the tresses from her face.

'Meredith' he repeated again as his eyes focused on the clock – it was late, really late if he left now he might just catch the ferry

'Meredith you need to wake up its late, I should be going'

She began to stir in his arms and slowly pulled herself up to a sitting position

'Your here?'

'Yeah I'm sorry I fell asleep not long after you, I didn't mean to, just exhausted I guess.'

'We were sleeping, on the couch, you and me?'

'Yeah I'm sorry, I should have gone earlier, and I will just get my coat and shoes and be out of your way'

'What? Why?'

'It's late, and we were sleeping, together, not together together, but next to each other, together, and I didn't mean for that to happen' he mumbled as he tried to get up off the couch

Meredith smirked to herself 'and you say I ramble'

'Sorry' he winced as he felt his hand being grabbed by Meredith and gently pulling him back down to the couch as his free hand rubbed the small of his back

'Are you ok?'

'Yeah just sore, same position too long'

A crash of thunder exploded outside and made the whole house shake with its strength, an event that had Meredith jump at the shock

'Hey your ok, it's just a storm' Derek whispered as he felt Meredith nuzzle back into the side of him 'it's just a storm'

A flash of lightening illuminated the room as Meredith buried her head into his chest and her shoulders began to shake.

Instinctively he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to calm her fears, he could feel his t shirt getting wet, soaked in her tears as he ran circles around her back to soothe her

'Hey, Meredith, sssshhh its ok, its ok I promise'

'I'm sorry' she sobbed as she sat up and allowed her tear filled eyes to meet with Derek's

'I hate storms, always have, ever since I was home alone, eight years old and frightened, I just hate them ...'

'8 years old?'

'yeah' she said embarrassed that she had said to much, and making it clear that she did not wish to elaborate further on her childhood.

'the night William died, there was a storm, it pulled down electricity lines across the city, lightning crashed into buildings, it was horrific, and he died, he died and suddenly I had no one there to calm me down, to tell me it would be ok, I had no one, like before, no one...'

He closed the gap around them again at once and pulled her in close, wrapping his arms around her tiny frame and running his fingers through her hair as he held her close to his chest

'Sssshhh that's not true, not now Meredith you have people, you have friends, you have me' he whispered as he felt her arms snake around his body and hold him tight.

They remained in silence for a few more minutes as the storm barrelled down on the house outside, with each crash of thunder Meredith's body reacted, and with every bolt of lightning enlightening the room she was held that tiny bit closer. to prove she was safe.

'Its late' she whispered softly as she allowed herself to sit up once again

'It is, I should be...'

'No' she interrupted

'No?'

'I know what you're going to say...about catching the last ferry if you hurry, but no, please, don't go, just stay. The storm is bad, the ferry will be choppy, or not sailing and there could be sick, sea sickness, and you definitely don't want that' she rambled as she ran her fingers over the palm of Derek's hand.

'Sea sickness across the harbour? Really' he smiled as he felt relief wash over him as she returned his grin

'Well there is water and waves...and a storm, so yeah seasickness or whatever' she laughed

'But cristina and Alex?'

'left us sleeping here on the couch, so to see you still here tomorrow isn't going to be too much of a shock for them is it' she grinned.

'Ok'

'Ok?'

'If it's ok with you, the yes, ok' he whispered as he allowed his head o lean back and rest on the couch.

'Thank you' she replied as she stood up from the couch 'i'll get you a pillow'

'No need honestly I will just use one of the cushions, 'he said as he pointed t the pile Cristina had vacated on the floor'

'Ok I should...'

'Yeah you should sleep'

Work, do you have work tomorrow?' she mumbled

'Not till 10 no pre rounds for me'

'Oh same here, no pre rounds, but 9 is...therapy...so I'm in for 9'

He couldn't help but smile at her honesty and as he looked over at the clock he realised they still had a good few hours to sleep before then, his body was exhausted.

'that's good, I could drive you, if you wanted' he smiled as he lifted his feet up off the floor and got comfortable, as Meredith headed on up the stairs to bed, stopping half way to look back into the living room, unsure of the warm feeling that was taking over her. She really didn't want to be alone.

Upstairs Meredith tossed and turned, unable to fall back into the deep sleep that had filled her body earlier on the couch. She moved from her back, to her side, her stomach yet nothing worked, she just couldn't get comfortable.

The rain was still lashing down against the windows and the occasional crash of thunder could still be heard in the distance.

Downstairs Derek's eyes were fixed on the ceiling, as exhausted as his body was, he just couldn't drift back off. The couch was comfortable, he was warm enough, but something was off, something was missing...someone...he shook his head to rid himself of such thoughts.

She was a grieving widow, she had lost the love of her life, and he was her friend,

Her friend

Her friend

Her friend

He had to keep reminding himself of that as there was no way he could risk losing that, she was too special to lose

He was her friend.

'Derek?' her voice filled the room making him jump at her sudden presence in the room.

'Are you awake?' he heard again as her footsteps grew closer to the edge of the couch

He contemplated pretending, closing his eyes, avoiding, but the draw he felt to her was just too strong, he couldn't ignore...

'Hey' he smiled as she came into view alongside the couch

'I'm sorry you're sleeping, and I'm not, so I selfishly came back down and I just thought...'

'I wasn't sleeping' he offered, as he sat up on the couch, leaving plenty of room for her to sit down

She surprised both of them by sitting in the small gap next to Derek's chest, her back leaning into his, meaning he could stretch his legs out again along the couch cushions.

'Is my couch not comfy?' she asked as she snuggled into the side of his chest

'Yeah, it is, just couldn't sleep'

'Me neither' he croaked, uncertain what to make of the close proximity the pair now had.

'Do you have surgery tomorrow?'

'Yeah could be up to 10 hours if the bleed is as bad as I'm anticipating' he sighed as he recalled the task that lay ahead of him later that day.

'Surgeons with 10 hour surgeries shouldn't sleep on couches' she whispered as she felt his arm wrap around her body

'Not really...I get it, it's ok, I'll go, on call room, I should go to an on call room'

'That's not what I meant' she said as she sat up off the couch and offered him her hand

'Stay with me, please'

Derek looked up in shock at what she was saying

'Stay with you?'

'Upstairs, please, you need sleep, and not to have a bad back for your surgery, and neither of us have slept a wink since we left one another'

'Using me as a pillow?' he smiled as he took her hand and followed her up the stairs.

'I don't want to be alone'

Meredith crawled into bed, turning instinctively onto her side as she felt Derek follow her into the bed, fully clothed

You're going to get some funny looks tomorrow if you go in creased' she smiled as she turned back to face Derek, their faces within touching distance.

'I could iron?' he offered as he felt her hand work its way into his grasp

'I don't mind if you want to take your shirt off Derek' she smiled as she saw the worry creep over his face

'It's ok'

'oh, you're right, I should...' he sat up and began to unbutton the shirt, his heart racing at the thought of being so close to Meredith...

'You're sure this is ok?' he asked as he lay back down on the bed

'It's fine' she smiled as she turned back onto her side, but inched back a few inches closer towards Derek

His eyes falling on her milky skin, visible through the darkness, her t shirt bearing a little frayed hole at the neck, fighting the urge to reach out and touch her shoulder, kiss the crook of her neck...

'Derek?'

'Yeah. Downstairs on the couch, when you held me, I slept, properly, for the first time in a long time'

'I make a good pillow' he laughed

'Do you think I could?'

'Could what?'

'Use that pillow now' she sighed as she spun around in the bed, nuzzling her head into his bare chest; hear hand running over his stomach as she pulled herself in closer.

Derek took a deep breath at her move, she wanted to be close to him, in her bed...and he felt his body tense as she rested her head carefully on his chest

Meredith noticed the tensing at once, and the absence of his arms holding her like before

'I'm sorry, it was a bad idea, I shouldn't have asked you to...'

'no I'm sorry Meredith, I'm glad you asked me too, really I am' he half smiled as he allowed himself to relax and wrapped his arm around her pulling her in once again to his chest, allowing his hand to gently stroke her back, her arm, the side of her face...

'thank you' she whispered as she began to feel her eyes close, unable to fight the tiredness any longer, his fingers slowly brushing against her skin, relaxing her, her own hand gently stroking along his chest, running circles around his sternum before her fingers stretched out and laid in parallel with his heart, the beating somewhat comforting in helping her fall asleep.

As her tiny snores filled the room, he felt his own eyes give into an old day, and his body called out for rest before a new day started. As his breathing evened out and his arms enveloped her he couldn't help but think there was no other way he would wish to fall asleep.

She didn't want to be alone.


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33 Mer **

It was early Meredith could tell that as she opened her eyes and saw that darkness still filled the room as it had a few short hours ago. She had been sleeping soundly but something had woke her up, and she couldn't quite put her finger on what.

She smiled to herself at how wonderful Derek had been, he was here, he had stayed with her when she had asked him, and he really was an amazing friend. She remembered the feeling of warmth that had rushed over her as she had fallen asleep in his arms, his chest acting as the perfect pillow to keep her safe from the storm, and his arms engulfing her tiny frame, protecting her from her worries.

Then it hit her.

She had fallen asleep on his chest, but she had woken up on the sheets, in an empty bed.

He had gone?

She sat up alarmed to realise he was no longer there, the duvet was turned back on the right hand side of the bed, his shirt no longer rested over the chair where he had thrown it last night.

She felt an emptiness inside that she couldn't explain, he had gone, he hadn't even said goodbye?

Sleep was now the last thing on Meredith's mind as she got out of bed and headed downstairs for a warm drink, the thought of closing her eyes again in the empty bed was not appealing at all, she hated sleeping alone, in fact she rarely slept in this bed, she could never get comfortable, she preferred the hammock at the trailer than this, coffee was usually running through her veins most of the time so sleep was limited, so that meant nightmares were limited too. If she didn't sleep, she didn't dream!

Except for those few short hours, in Derek's arms, she had slept,

There had been no nightmare

There had been no panic

She would rather not sleep at all, then sleep alone as she wondered if Cristina would mind if she crawled in with her for the last couple of hours before day break.

As her feet hit the bottom step she was alerted to a noise coming from the kitchen. Her heart started to race, Alex and Cristina's doors were firmly shut on the hallway as she walked down.

Someone was in their house?

She grabbed the nearest thing she could – Cristina's umbrella, and slowly crept towards the door, armed, she held her breath as she got closer to the door as she could see a shadow moving about in the kitchen, she raised the umbrella as she prepared to pull the door open...

'Arrrrrgggghhhhhh'

Screams filled the air as the door suddenly flung open, and coffee spilled up into the air, and all over the floor.

'Derek!'

'Meredith!'

'what the hell are you doing' they both gasped at the same time as Derek eyed the umbrella, and Meredith noticed the now empty coffee cups in his hand

'You're here' she smiled

'Of course I'm here' he smiled as he turned to walk back into the kitchen to retrieve something to wipe up the coffee that now saturated the floor and his shirt 'where else would I be?'

'I...I...I just thought'

'Thought what?' he asked as threw off his shirt into the sink and grabbed a towel before returning to the floor to clean up the spill.

'Its just I woke up, and you were gone, and I wouldn't have blamed you for leaving, I mean I asked you to stay, with me, in the bed, and for the first time since, since maybe even before William, for the first time, next to you, I slept and that's weird or something, but you were gone...'

'I'm glad I stayed' he smiled as he interrupted her, stood up and closed the gap between himself and Meredith and wrapped her into his chest 'I told you id be here, and I meant it besides id miss the rambling if I left' he whispered as he ran his hands over her back and squeezed her tight to him.

'I thought you had left, without goodbye' she croaked, surprising herself as she heard the shakiness in her voice

'I would never have done that' he said as he took her hand and led her over to the table, before returning to the coffee pot.

'What were you doing? I thought we were being robbed, I had this ready to strike' Meredith asked pointing at the umbrella that now sat on the table, as she allowed her eyes to follow his shirtless form back over to the counter.

'You were restless, tossing and turning, snoring a little' he smiled as Meredith feigned innocence

'I do not snore' she laughed as she felt herself relax again.

He hadn't gone

He hadn't left

He hadn't ran away

'You do, sorry, but you do' he smiled as he sat two coffee mugs down on the table

'I couldn't sleep, and I thought I'd make coffee, and it was cold down here so I thought I'd bring it back to bed, but then I thought you might smell it and try to steal mine, so I made you one too, but then you appeared to kick my ass with an umbrella...and the rest is history' he laughed as he took the first sip of the coffee, and felt the liquid warm him as placed the mug back down on the table.

'Its catching' she laughed

'Huh?'

'The rambling that was epic even by my standards'

The pair stayed at the table finishing their coffee before Meredith made a move to go back up to bed.

'you coming?' she smiled as she offered him her hand, and the pair crept back up the stairs and slipped back into their haven, wrapped in one another's arms as tiredness overcame both of their exhausted forms.

******************************************************************************

As they pulled into the parking lot, Meredith couldn't help but laugh at Derek's attire. After the coffee spill in the middle of the night, Derek's shirt had been ruined so Meredith had had to run around the house finding something for him to wear. Alex didn't really own button downs, or much beyond tight(ish) t shirts and gym gear, so as they walked in, side by side, Meredith couldn't hold in the giggle as Derek tried to cover his blue body hugging t shirt, typical it had to be the same day he had decided to leave his coat back at the trailer!

'You no hugging yourself in a desperate attempt to hide the shirt is sad to say the least' she laughed as she hit his hand so he had to let go of his stomach before running off into the hospital.

'oh you are going to pay for that' he screamed after her as he ran up behind her and picked her up, swinging around, before trying to tickle her

'No, no please Derek stop' she laughed as his fingers explored her sides and her laughter filled the lobby

'Well if I can't hug myself then there is only one thing for it' he sighed as he pulled Meredith into a tight hug 'if you can use me for a pillow then I get to use you as a shield, a tiny one, but a shield all the same' he smirked as he marched them over towards the elevator, meredith wrapped around his middle blocking the t shirt from view.

*********************************************************************************  
As they disappeared into the elevator and the doors closed behind them, a familiar red head slowly marched over the catwalk over head, having taking in the little show down below, she felt the disappointment begin to bubble in the bottom of her stomach. He was happy? He hadn't been happy, not for so long. She thought, even with the divorce pending that she could win him back; with time... but down there, with Meredith Grey, he had looked happy, what did she have...

'How has your week been Meredith? I was disappointed you cancelled the other day'

I'm sorry, something came up, a surgery, and I couldn't say no, I had to be involved it was huge, massive...sorry' Meredith replied as she tied her back into a pony tail.

'Its ok, you're here now' Dr Wyatt said confidently as she sat down in the seat opposite Meredith and looked at her client.

'You look different, you seem more relaxed'

'I feel it, a little, I think. I bit the bullet, I told cristina, and Alex and I got an interesting reaction to say the least, but Derek made cristina see sense, so it's all ok, it's all ok'

'Derek? Dr Shepherd?'

'Yes, it's amazing when you find a friend when you're not expecting it' she smiled as she thought back to the elevator journey up to the psych floor.

*********************************************************************************  
_'You ok?' Derek asked as Meredith leaned back on the elevator wall, her eyes falling to the floor_

'Yeah just nervous' she sighed as she watched the elevator lights slowly approach her destination

'Don't be' he smiled as he crossed the space and leant on the wall next to her

'you are doing so well Meredith, you are such a strong person, the way you have tackled the sessions, you haven't given up, even when it's hard, you battle through, you are amazing Mer' he smiled as he wrapped a comforting arm around her as she shivered at his touch and flinched

'Sorry' he said as he jumped back away from her, worried he had said or done something wrong.

'No, don't be, sorry it's me'

'I'm sorry, the hug, I shouldn't have done, it was too much? I just thought it would be ok...I'm sorry'

'it wasn't the hug' she sighed as she allowed her eyes to meet his ;it wasn't the hug, the hugging, is nice, its fine' she tapered off as she closed the gap between them again and lent her head on his shoulder, instinct took over and he wrapped his arm around her pulling her close

'What is it Meredith?'

'It was just 'Mer', you called me Mer?'

'Yeah sorry, it just seemed right, it fits you'

'It does, it did fit, once it fit'

'William?'

'Yeah' she murmured as the lift approached her destination.

Turning around Derek hit the emergency stop button and took hold of Meredith's hand.

'I'm sorry, I heard Cristina call you it the other day, and it seemed right...I should have thought, I'm sorry'

'it's ok' she whispered as he took a step closer and tucked the stray whips of hair behind her ears and allowed the palm of his hand to run along her cheek.  
Meredith allowed herself to press her cheek into his hand, her body relaxing at his touch.

'its just, no one, no man, has said it since William, he would call me it when he was happy, when things were perfect, he only called me Meredith when I was in trouble' she shared with a small smile

'Then I guess you were Meredith a lot' Derek laughed trying to change the mood in the elevator as he took his hand away from her face and leant back on the wall.

'yeah something like that' she smiled as she suddenly missed the contact his palm had on her 'it just felt strange, to hear it from you, which sounds crazy I know, but it's the little things that make it so difficult' she sighed as she moved to rest on the wall alongside Derek, her head instinctively resting on his shoulder.

He couldn't help but smile to himself, she was freaking out about him calling her Mer, but here she was anyway, still seeking comfort in him, she didn't hate him, one word hadn't ruined things, they were ok.

Derek leant over and shot the elevator back into life

'You missed the floor for your office?' Meredith asked quizzically as the lift continued up

'Yeah' he smiled the lift slowly came to a halt 'I figured I might wait up here, if that's ok'

'You...you want to wait...for me...?'

'I'd wait forever if I knew it would help' he smiled, as he realised how true that statement was... 

********************************************************************************

'You're here?' Meredith smiled as she exited the therapy room, and eyed Derek sitting in the corridor reading the latest Seattle magazine.

'I told you id wait, I keep my promises' he stuttered as he got up and walked over to Meredith 'how did it go?'

'Good...I think...today was fine'

'Well if you need anything you no I'm here' he said as he ran his hand over her left arm as the sound of her pager filled the corridor

'Crap...Dr Montgomery...I gotta go' she called as she shot off back towards the elevator 'page me, lunch?' she managed to shout back before the doors closed and she disappeared from sight.

he shivered at the thought of his soon to be ex wife paging meredith, and an uneasy feeling spread through his body

'Derek' a voice inturupted his thoughts

He spun around to see Dr Wyatt standing in the door way

'I'm ready for you now'


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34 her service

Meredith made her away to the neo natal unit, surprised to be paged by Satan so early in the morning. The thought of being on her service really didn't appeal, she wanted to be cutting into brains, reading CTs, researching new techniques and, working with Derek, that was what she really wanted. He made everything so much easier, and she missed him when he wasn't around. And now as she headed into a day of hell with his ex wife she felt an uneasy feeling taking over her.

So far she hadn't had anything to do with Addison; she had been on Bailey's service, Marks service and mainly Derek's...but now the women who had made Derek's life hell, and Alex's too, had requested her! She thought herself lucky till now; to have escaped for so long.

You can do this; you can do this she chanted to her as she walked round the corner as she spotted her up ahead.

She shook her head as she took in the salmon clad Doctor ahead of her, salmon who in their right mind wore salmon.

'Dr Montgomery?' Meredith asked as she approached Addison.

'Dr Montgomery Shepherd, I'm still married' she shot back as she pushed open the door to the special care room, and allowed it to close in Meredith's face.

Meredith followed into the room and noticed Addison tending to a baby in the far corner of the room. 'You paged me?' she asked quizzically as Addison continued to fuss over the tiny baby in the incubator in front of her,

'I did.' She whispered as she let the baby grab her little finger 'every other attending seems to have had the pleasure of you on their service so today I pulled a few strings, made a few requests of my own'

'OK' Meredith stressed, confused 'you have requested me so it helps to give me something to do'

'I will, in time, what's the rush? Somewhere else you would rather be?'

'Well I'd rather be cutting into brains then delivering babies but I guess a change is as good as a rest'

'you think your smart don't you, waltzing into town, picking up the pieces of the heartbroken neuro surgeons heart, coming in here with an attitude..'

'What? I don't have an attitude'

'You don't deny the attachment to my husband I see'

'ex husband' Meredith shot back as Addison stood up and moved closer to her, a musty smell suddenly filling her nostrils as she walked past her.

'Not until I sign the papers Dr Worthington, I'm nobody's ex until the ink is dry!'

'He thinks of you as an ex, he doesn't want you' Meredith replied, the anger slowly building in her voice

'what Derek says and what he thinks tend to be two very different things Dr Worthington, believe me I should Know, so if he is promising you the world, don't believe it for a second, he is to wrapped up in his career to ever put a women first'

'Derek is an amazing surgeon, he has reason enough to invest time in his work, he is one of the best'

'One of...see...there lies the problem...one of the best, he won't put anyone first again until he is the best'

'You were married to him for 11 years yet you talk about him like you don't know him at all'

'I know him better than most and Derek Shepherd doesn't put work before anyone or anything'

'Really? So last week when I needed something, and he cancelled a craniotomy and rescheduled a meeting with the board, so he could be there...that was him putting work first?' Meredith snapped, unable to control her temper any longer 'you had him and you lost him, and it seems to me, and everybody else that he is a better person for walking away, he most definitely isn't looking back'

Meredith jumped as the door flung open to reveal mark standing in the door way

'Are you ok?' he asked looking over to Meredith

'I'm ok' Addison replied as she took a few steps towards mark

'I wasn't talking to you red, I was more interested in Meredith, sharing the same air space as you for a few minutes is enough to knock anyone sick' he snapped as he side stepped Addison and closed the gap between himself and Meredith.

'Are you ok?' he asked again, trying to read the look on her face

'Yeah, I swear, I'm ok, I let her have it' she smiled as mark but his hand up as if to High 5 her!

'I heard' he laughed 'but still just wanted to check'

The pair were interrupted as the sound of Addison's pager filled the room

'911 lets go' Addison demanded as she flounced out of the room

Meredith stared at the space Addison had vacated and sighed, it was going to be a long day!

Derek came out of his session with Dr Wyatt feeling slightly better about his situation, the only way he would ruin his friendship with Meredith was if he over stepped the line, he had to make himself rules, he had to get himself a marker and draw a big...line

'Hey man' Derek jumped as mark tapped him on the shoulder and placed a coffee down in front of him

'Hi' Derek smiled back at his best friend as he took the coffee to his lips and felt himself instantly relax as the caffeine began to run through his veins.

'You ok? You kind of look not ok' mark asked as he sat down alongside Derek

'I'm just working through some things' he sighed as mark placed his hand on his shoulder

'You need to talk?'

'Maybe, yeah, but not now, I just can't now'

'You're not dying or anything are you?' mark asked seriously as he saw the look of worry spread over Derek's face.

'No I'm not dying, I'm a picture of health, and my body is a temple' he smiled as he saw mark physically relax in front of him 'Have you seen Meredith today?' he asked, trying to keep his voice calm as he spoke

'Yeah she drew the short straw today huh?'

'If by that you mean Addison then yes, the incredibly short straw.'

'Yeah I mean Addison, earlier she was really laying into Meredith, and Meredith just let rip – told her a few home truths you'd be proud of your little girlfriend'

'What? Meredith isn't my girlfriend, why would you say that?'

'sorry man it was a joke, I don't know what you and Meredith are, but I know you both seem happier in each other's company, she's nice'

'Yeah she is nice, and we are friends, just friends, Addison was laying into her? About what? Is she ok? ' he sighed as he placed his head in his hands

'She's ok, more than OK I'd say, when I interrupted Meredith was definitely belittling Addison, she wasn't holding back'

'I hate that she is on her service, Addison has done this on purpose, definitely on purpose, and Meredith, she might pretend to be strong, but she isn't...'

'I can see that man, I really can, she's vulnerable, and has the weight of the world on her shoulders, even I've noticed that, and that's saying something, I don't even look at her and comment on how perfect her body is, I just see...pain...or something'

'You won't ever just see her body, EVER mark!'

'What's up? Did you make a move and she turned you down?'

'No nothing like that, nothing at all, I won't be making a move, not now, not ever, she isn't ready, I don't think she will ever be ready, not again'

'Again?'

'Not now, I can't now, come by the trailer when you get off? Fishing, beer?'

'I'm there man, I'm there' he smiled as he left Derek sitting alone once again in the cafeteria.

'Stacey James, 34, 32 weeks pregnant, stage 3 lymphoma, refused further treatment to carry on with her pregnancy, showing signs of early labour...'

Meredith didn't hear the end of Addison's speech; one word had ensured she shut off in an instant...lymphoma...

'Dr Worthington, are you with me?' she heard as she was alerted back to the situation in front of her

'Dr Worthington...'

'Yeah sorry, yeah'

'If you think you can pay attention for more than 2 minutes then do you think you could page the team and tell them we have a preemie on the way. Dan I know this is an impossible situation, but we can't have you in there, not for an emergency section, we will be back with news as soon as possible'

'what no, she can't come, not yet, it's too early, please' Stacey begged from the bed, her frail body showing the signs of exhaustion, her skin pale, her tiny frame showing little sign of pregnancy apart from the bump that she cradled in her hands, the tears streaming down her face. 'Dan please, tell them, tell them please'

'Stacey I know you are scared, but we have been through this' Addison spoke softly as she ran her hands over Stacey's, we were going to have to induce at some point, but your baby girl can't wait, she wants to make an appearance, she wants you to get well, she needs her mommy strong.'

Meredith was surprised at the tone in Addison's voice; it was so heartfelt, so loving...she never expected that.

'Dr Worthington is going to prep you for a c section; you are too weak to deliver naturally, we need to get moving fast Stacey, but I need you not to be scared. I need you to have faith in me, please'

The pair stood back as they let the couple have a moment together

'Dan, if I don't...'

'Don't say that, please, you can do this, we will be a family'

'I don't want it to be just you, it can't be just you, make sure they fight for our baby Dan, make them fight...' Stacey sobbed as they began to wheel her away through the ER.

As Addison looked up, she was surprised to see tears staining Meredith's cheeks as she remained rooted to the spot, watching a broken Dan walking towards the waiting room.

'_I don't want you to be alone Meredith...'_

From the side of the room Mark stood watching the exchange, and Meredith's frozen form mesmerized him as Addison walked away with the patient, but she remained rooted to the spot , the tears on her face fresh, free flowing. The sound of Addison shouting her bringing her back to the moment as she ran off towards the OR.

Mark did the only thing he could think of as being a good idea, and pulled out his phone to text Derek

'_Satan on the war path, Meredith upset, heading to OR STAT'_

As Meredith and Addison stood scrubbing in, looking through the window into the OR at Stacey lying on the table waiting for them; an uneasy silence drifted through the air.

'Are you ok Dr Worthington? You have been quiet since Stacey arrived?'

'I'm fine' Meredith stated as she rung her hands repeatedly under the water, her eyes never leaving Stacey's frail body on the table 'I'm fine'

Addison looked over at Meredith, hurt and pain now etched all over her face and felt something change 'this isn't going to be easy, the baby, and Stacey are at great risk, if you don't think you can handle it then now is the time to say, I can't have you freaking out in there!' she said, a little blunter than she intended to.

'I said I'm fine' Meredith snapped as she dried her hands and marched into the OR.

Stacey lay on the table, awaiting the anaesthesiologist to come and put her to sleep. Usually with a C section the patient would be awake, but with the baby still so tiny, and Stacey's condition and urgent need for treatment it had been in the birth plan all along that she would be put to sleep for the procedure to give both of them a chance to fight, to survive.

'Hey' Meredith smiled as she stood alongside Stacey and offered her hand for encouragement. Stacey took the hand at once 'I'm scared Dr Worthington, I'm so scared'

'Its Meredith, call me Meredith' she smiled as she soothed her hand, rubbing her fingers over Stacey's left hand, providing the support she needed.

'I'm not scared of dying' Stacey whispered as Addison entered from the scrub room 'I'm scared of Dan being alone, having no one, if anything should happen to me, or the baby, I don't want it to be just him' she sobbed as Meredith felt the tears prickling her own eyes again.

'It's good not to be scared, you are so brave to feel like that, but what I need is you to fight ok? In a few moments your baby girl is going to be here, and she needs her mommy and her daddy, you have to fight, promise me you will fight' Meredith croaked, the tears streaming down her cheeks 'don't leave the people you love, you have to fight, you can beat this, it's not too late, its stage 3, not stage 4, and we are going to do everything we can to get you through this, so make sure you do to ok.'

'I'll fight Meredith, I promise you I'll fight' Stacey smiled as she tried to read the pain that sat on Meredith's face.

'Don't let this change who they are forever, don't let this beat you' Meredith sobbed, wiping her eyes, trying to hide her face from Addison, to ensure she wasn't kicked out of the OR.

'Meredith?' Stacey whispered

'Yes?'

'I'm sorry, for your loss, I'm sorry' Stacey said as she held Meredith's gaze a few moments longer

'How?'

'I'm just sorry' she whispered as the anaesthesiologist stepped forwards to send Stacey off to sleep.

'See you in a short while Stacey' Meredith whispered as she turned to pay attention to the screen that was now monitoring the baby's heart rate.

'Dr Worthington'

Derek's voice filled the room as she looked up to the gallery and noticed him speaking into the phone that connected to the OR; he smiled down at her as he placed his hand on the glass, as if reaching out to her.

'its a beautiful day to save lives' he winked, relief washing over his body when he noticed her smile, behind the scrub mask it was obvious, her eyes grew, the sparkled back at him and he could tell she was thankful of his presence.

She watched him sit back down alongside mark, 3 pairs of eyes now firmly focused on her – Derek, mark and Addison.

'If we have finished with the hallmark movie moment do you think we could save this ladies life and her baby's too' she snapped as she reached over to pick up the scalpel ready to make the first cut.

Addison worked efficiently and effortlessly as she delivered the baby, her tiny cries filling the room, as Stacey's heart rate remained steady...

'she is tiny but strong' Addison announced to the room, and a collective sigh of relief could be heard through the OR and the gallery above as she handed the baby over to Meredith, entrusting her to do the early checks, with the peds resident beside her.

As the baby was cleaned and weighed, she was placed into the waiting incubator ready to be moved up to the NICU, her breathing was a little wavered, but that was to be expected in such a tiny baby, her lungs surprisingly strong she was placed on oxygen as a precaution more than anything, but the effort of breathing was going to be exhausting to such a tiny little girl, so anything they could do to help would give her the very best chance of surviving.

'Dr Worthington can you please accompany the baby up the NICU as I close the mother?'

'Stacey, you mean while you close Stacey, she has a name' Meredith snapped back angrily.

'I'm sorry, yes, Stacey, whilst I close Stacey' she smiled over at Meredith.

As Derek looked on down from the gallery he rose from his seat and set to find Meredith but mark pulled him back

'What ever it is she is going through let her do this alone, for now, she survived her down there, let her see this through, don't hover'

'Ok where is Mark Sloan and what have you done with him?' Derek laughed as mark stood alongside of him and headed to the door.

'Just give her some time to see this through' he sighed as the pair headed out of the gallery

'coffee?'

Meredith looked down at the petite baby girl in front of her, 10 tiny little fingers and toes, so small but perfectly formed, her chest rising and falling with the help of a machine, a precaution for the time being, her eyes covered by white eye pads to protect her from the UV light that flooded her incubator, to combat the early signs of jaundice...she was just adorable, and she was a fighter like her mommy, she was just perfect.

'Meredith' Addison's voice filled the air quietly as she walked up to stand beside her and the baby 'How is she?'

'She is a fighter like her mommy' Meredith replied, her hand resting on the glass, the closest she get to the little girl without touching her and risking infection.

'Meredith...' Addison's voice quivered as Meredith turned to face her

Meredith heard the pain in her voice as she allowed her eyes to meet Addison's for the first time since their earlier argument that morning.

'Oh god no, please don't say it' Meredith sobbed as she felt her legs begin to shake beneath her

'Stacey coded on the table, when we went to close up, the pressure on her body just got too much, we fought for her, we really fought...# Addison drifted off as Meredith collapsed before her, the sobs taking over her body, her heart breaking at the words Addison was sharing.

Addison looked down at her broken form, curled up tight on the floor, struggling for breath, a panic attack engulfing her body.

'I...cant...I...oh god...I'

Addison sat down on the floor beside Meredith, rubbing her back, pulling her hair back out of her face, encouraging her to slow her breathing, to relax

'Meredith, you have to breath, please, slow deep breaths, look at me please'

'I'm sorry, I...I...just...it can't...not again...'

'Breathe Meredith, slow, you can do it, look at me, breathe'

'I'm sorry, sorry'

'You don't have to be sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't save her;

'its not your fault, its life, life is so unfair, its a horrible disease, horrible' she sobbed as Addison did the only thing she thought would help, and she wrapped her into her arms, soothing her as her tears fell.

'the lymphoma was a factor Meredith, but it can't solely be to blame, her blood didn't clot quick enough, she bled internally which put pressure on her heart, she was to weak'

'He was too weak, he didn't deserve it, neither did she' Meredith cried as she pulled herself from Addison's grasp and tried to stand. The day's events taking its hold on her as she stumbled as she made her way to the door

'Meredith' Addison called as she fled the room 'Meredith wait' she repeated as she headed to the door after her.

'What the hell did you do to her' Derek's voice boomed down the corridor as he watched Meredith flee ahead of him, and Addison running out after her from the room.


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35 that's not true**

Derek froze as he saw Meredith's broken form fleeing before him, his mind a wash with confusion as to what could have brought such a sudden break down, the baby had been ok, the mother had been ok when he had left, and he had to make sure she was ok, he couldn't just leave her.

As he made his way forwards his attention shifted to an apologetic Addison appearing in the door way, and his heart sank at once. What had she done? What had she said?

'What the hell did you do to her' Derek's voice boomed down the corridor as he watched Meredith flee ahead of him, and Addison running out after her from the room.

Addison froze at once as she heard the anger in his voice. Both now rooted to their own spots as Meredith disappeared around the top corner at the end of the corridor. Addison had never heard him shout like that, even when he walked in on her with someone else, he had stayed calm, simply walked away, disappointment written all over his face, but now, the anger this was new, this was different. She was too scared to face him and physically jumped as she felt his hand on her shoulder, pulling her round to face him.

'I said what the hell did you do' he spat angrily in her face as he grabbed both her arms now and shook her to demand a reaction. He couldn't explain what had come over him, but the thought of his ex wife ruining his friendship with his best friend was just about too much to take

'I...I...I didn't do anything, I swear' Addison cried as she tried to remove herself from his vice grip

'Don't lie to me Addison, I had years of that' he shouted as he tightened his grip on her arms as if to demand an answer.

'I swear Derek, please you're hurting me, stop it' she sobbed, a genuine sense of pain in her voice 'We lost the mother, I had to tell Meredith and she took it pretty hard, I don't know what caused it, she just broke down, I didn't do anything I promise you Derek'

He could hear the truth in her voice, she was a good liar, but she did have a heart at times too, and this was one of those times as he felt himself release the hold on her arms, her own hands instantly rubbing along her arms to soothe the pain from his grip.

'I'm sorry Addison, I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't mean to...' he said, his voice breaking slightly as he realised he might have actually hurt her, this wasn't him, and he didn't hurt anyone, only his self...

'It's ok Derek, its ok; it must have looked bad, your wife running after your heartbroken girlfriend...'

'Meredith isn't my girlfriend Addison' he cut her off before she had chance to finish her sentence

'She isn't? But I thought...'

'You thought wrong' he sighed as he started to walk along the corridor beside Addison

'Meredith was a mess in their Derek, you say she isn't your girlfriend and I don't know if you are just protecting my feelings, or protecting the likelihood of a divorce...

'Addison I will say this once, calmly without getting angry and I need you to listen. Meredith is not my girlfriend, she is my friend, a friend I care about a lot, properly more than I ever cared about you, and I'm sorry if that hurts, but it's the truth, I lost all respect for you when I walked in on you with Chris in my bed, but stupidly I forgave you, I lost all respect for myself that day too, I should have just kept on running away from you, I should never have let you back in. You made a fool of me, and I won't let you make a fool of Meredith, ever, do you understand me?' he stopped and faced his wife on the corridor 'I believe you that you didn't hurt her back then in the room, but this morning, the calling her onto her service, the attitude you had with her in the ER, that didn't go unnoticed, the walls have ears, don't forget that.'

'I'm sorry Derek, I'm sorry, I saw you this morning with her, and you just looked so happy, so at ease, and I realised just how much I had lost'

'you lost me a long time ago Addison, and I am happy when I'm around Meredith, she makes things cope able, she understands a lot of what I'm going through, she is an amazing person, a surgeon with so much potential, and a girl who deserves a break in life, so just please, I'm begging you, leave her alone.'

'I'm sorry, about this morning, and about everything, I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, and I'm not asking for it, I'm sorry Derek' she sobbed as she walked towards the elevator.

'What happened to the mother? When Mark and I left the gallery she was ok, everything was under control?' he asked as the pair stepped inside the confinements of the elevator.

'Stacey wasn't just any emergency C section, she was fighting her own battle to stay alive from the minute she found out she was pregnant' Addison spoke quietly, the devastation evident in her voice.

'So you expected this to happen?'

'No Derek, she seemed strong, the baby was ready to make an appearance, we were only a few days away from the induce date, the baby had been given steroids throughout the pregnancy to prepare her lungs for an early delivery, we always expected the baby to come this early'

'But why?' he asked confused, trying to piece together the puzzle, to understand what had Meredith so upset.

'Stacey had lymphoma Derek, and when she found out she refused any further treatment, until the baby was born, she wanted the baby to have the chance to survive, she didn't want her husband to be left without either of them'

In that one sentence, the pieces fell into place, Stacey had died, of lymphoma, like William, the same as William, but Stacey had left behind a valuable present, the gift of life for her baby, and a companion for life for husband...Meredith had been left alone.

'Derek are you alright?' Addison asked as she noticed the colour all but drain from his face.

'Yeah, I just have to go, I have to go, I'm sorry Addison, so sorry about before' he called as he fled the elevator as soon as the doors sprang open.

Meredith hardly remembered the journey home, she was just grateful that she didn't live too far away from the hospital as her legs began to run, and her fear took over as she fled the grounds of the hospital and headed for home. Derek had dropped her off that morning, she had no car at work, her purse was upstairs in her locker, her phone too, she just preyed Alex or Cristina would already be home s her scrub clad body sprinted as fast as it could to get away from that place, from the devastation, from the death.

Exhaustion began to creep over her body, but the desire to escape ensure that she kept running, even as the heavens opened and the rain began to pour, she somehow kept going, pounding the pavement as she got closer to home, her heart racing in her chest, begging for a rest, her lungs fighting for oxygen to keep her breathing, the burn inside of her crying out for her to stop, but the emotion running through her body kept her running, relief setting in as she made her way up her street, taking the steps to the house two at a time, her body relaxing as she noticed the living room light on – someone was home.

Bursting through the door, leaving it swaying in the wind, she entered the house and clambered up the stairs before collapsing on her bed. Her whole body shaking, gulping for oxygen, her muscles burning from the sudden bout of exercise they had had to endure.

'Meredith is that you?' she head Alex call up the stairs, her breathing still uneven, unable to muster enough energy to reply.

'Meredith?' he called again, as she heard the door slam and his footsteps begin to creep up the stairs.

'Whoa, Meredith, what the hell happened?' he asked as he took in her dishevelled form laying diagonally across the bed, her rain soaked scrubs clinging to her tiny frame, her sneakers dripping the Rembrandts of rain water onto the carpet, her deep breathes echoing around the room as she fought for oxygen to help her starving lungs.

He crossed the room and sat himself on the edge of the bed, pulling Meredith up into a sitting position, grabbing the small towel sat on the floor by the bed, offering it to her to wipe the sweat and precipitation from her face.

'I...I...ran and...'

'You ran? You don't run? Ok metaphorically speaking you run faster than a speeding express train, but in terms of exercise, you don't run'

'I ran Alex, from the hospital, all the way here, it was too much, it was all too much' she said blankly, staring into space, no tears escaping, she felt numb, exhausted

'What happened?' he whispered as he got up off the bed to fetch her robe from the bathroom

'Not now Alex, please, not now' she begged

'ok, I'm here though, if you need me, I'm here...take a bath, get warm, you're going to catch a cold if you sit around like that, and a grown women sniffling is really unattractive' he winked, trying to raise a smile in his friend.

'Thank you' she smiled as she got up off the bed and headed to the ensuite, desperate for time alone with her own thoughts.

As Alex watched the door close, he headed down stairs and cracked upon a beer from the refrigerator before getting out his phone and calling the one person he hoped Meredith would let in.

'Cristina' he called as he spotted Meredith's friend up ahead reading the surgical board 'have you seen Meredith? He begged, the worry written all over his face.

'No why , should I have?' she asked as she tried to make sense of the emotions on his face 'what did you do?'

'Nothing, I haven't done anything, she had a tough case, and they lost a patient, c section with complications from lymphoma...'

'Oh crap' cristina butted in 'and this was Meredith's case? Why would she be put on a case like that?'

'People don't no Cristina, they can't have her avoid such cases if they don't no' he sighed as he rested his hand on the wall, steadying himself. 'Meredith ran, when she heard the news, she ran, and I was too busy shouting at Addison, that I didn't see where she went'

'Oh I might have known Satan was behind this, I'm gonna stuff her 6 inch heels right up her ass when I see her next' she spewed angrily as she spun ready to head off in hunt of Meredith.

'wait cristina, please, I thought that too, I accused Addison of upsetting Meredith, but it wasn't her, it was the patient, I promise, believe me it pains me to stick up for her on that one, but it wasn't Addison'

'are you sure, she is a pretty convincing liar from what I understand;' she spat back, instantly regretting her words as she saw Derek's face change before her 'I'm sorry, Derek I'm sorry, DR Shepherd, I shouldn't have said that'

He knew she was as upset as he was, she didn't mean to insult his intelligence, for Meredith he had to let it go, 'its ok, its Derek, and it's ok, do you have any idea where she might have gone?' he asked as the pair began to walk slowly towards the locker room

'We can check in here, see if her stuff is here, try her cell, she might answer' Cristina offered,

'I've tried, just rings out' he sighed as he got out his phone to try again

The sound of her ring tone filled the air as they entered the locker room, her coat, her bag, everything sitting in the same cubby she had left everything this morning.

'So she's still here?' Cristina asked as she pointed to the cubby, Derek taking in her belongs 'she can't have gone far.'

He was about to reply as the sound of his own cell filled the air Meredith, he thought to himself, could it be?

'Hello, Meredith is that you' he raced as he failed to even read the display screen.

'Karev? Whoa slow down, she did what? Ok I'm coming, Cristina too, we are coming'

Cristina looked on from the bench worried at the conversation she was witnessing. Meredith had done what? Where were they going?

'We have to go' Derek instructed as he walked over to the cubby to collect Meredith's things.

'Go? Go where?' she ordered, fear creeping over her body 'please tell me? What has she done?'

'We have to go to your place, she is there, she ran...'

'Ran? As in one foot in front of the other human torture?'

'Apparently so'

'Meredith doesn't run, she isn't an athlete, who does she think she is Usain friggin Bolt'

'Cristina'

'Yeah'

'Shut the hell up and let's go' he called as he fled the room, sending a quick text over to mark on route to the car

'Reign check? Sorry...tomorrow?'

'Cant working, no worries man, Meredith?'

'Yeah, explain later'

'I'll have the scotch ready'

'Shepherd, put that phone away before I ensure you are having it extracted from your ass' cristina shouted as she flung open the passenger door and rammed her hand on the horn, as Derek flung himself into the driver's seat throwing cristina a look.

'What? You were the one who said we had to hurry'

Meredith lay back in the bath, the heat from the water warming her muscles, her body relaxing as the lavender scent engulfed her body, and her eyes closing as the events of the day took their hold on her exhausted form. Desperate to forget today's tragic events she couldn't fight the tiredness overcoming her body, as blanketed by the bubbles and the water, she fell asleep.

'Alex?' Cristina called as she ran into the house, leaving Derek in her wake as she sprinted into the hall way 'where is she Alex?' she asked as he appeared from the living room, resting his head on the door frame as Derek too entered the house.

'That was quick' Alex said as he held out a beer to each of them

'Turns out Derek here fancies himself as the next Michael Schumacher' Cristina laughed as she accepted the beer from Alex, forcing the other in Derek's hand to.

'Where is she Alex?' Derek asked the pain and worry evident in his voice.

'She's taking a bath, believe me she needed it, she needs time, I think she will let you in.'

'He can't go in the bathroom Alex...' Cristina snorted at the sheer suggestion

'I know that, I'm not stupid, I meant 'in' as in talk to him 'in' not perve on her in the bathtub in'.

'look I'm just going to go up and let her know we are all here, we don't want to scare her when she gets out' he smiled as he took the stairs up towards Meredith's room.

Steam filled the air in her bedroom, the heat escaping from the crack in the door, the lavender aroma lingering in the air...the room hushed in silence.

'Meredith' Derek called as he took a step closer to the door, nervousness creping in as the room remained in silence.

Stepping closer again he tapped the door as he called her name 'Meredith'

Still no answer.

His heart beating harder in his chest at her silence.

He knocked again louder this time, desperate to raise a response from behind the door.

'Meredith let me know you are ok please' he begged as his fists hammered against the door some more.

Silence

Silence

Silence

Silence

Without thinking any longer he pushed open the door, causing it to bang off the wall to the side of the bath, steam filling the room, making it hard to see past the end of his nose.

'Meredith I could really do with you to answer me now, if Alex catches me in here then I'm pretty sure he is going to throw me out, and kick me ass' he offered as the bath came into focus,

'Derek?' she whispered 'you're in my bathroom?'

'Yeah, which I know isn't quite right, but I knocked and you didn't answer, and I'm not even looking I swear, I'm looking at the door'

'You're here?' she responded, her voice showing clear signs of exhaustion

'I'm here, I heard...and I'm here, except I didn't expect here to actually involve standing in your bathroom' he said, trying to force a laugh to escape his nervous body.

'You're in my bathroom' she smiled, Derek hearing the change in her voice, his body relaxing at her calmer manner'

'I think we have established that' he laughed as he turned to leave.

'Don't go' she offered as he stood still unsure of what she wanted. 'Please, come here, sit on the edge, there is enough bubbles in here to cover the state of Washington, you won't see anything if that's what you are worried about'

'But Alex...'

'Alex won't be walking into my bathroom, I promise you that' she said, a slight giggle to the tone of her voice.

Taking a deep breath he felt his body shuffling over to the tub, his eyes daring to look over the water, relief to see her head poking out of a mountain of bubbles, her face glowing from the heat of the water, her hand resting on the edge of the tub.

She moved her hand as if to offer a safe place to sit, and felt relief wash through his body when he felt her hand take his, her fingers loose in the palm of his hand.

'Thank you' she whispered as she gave his hand a gentle squeeze 'thank you for showing up'

'I'm always going to Meredith, I promised you that' he replied, allowing his other hand to sandwich hers between his.

'Do you think you could pass me my robe?' she asked as silence fell across the room.

'Urm, yeah, hang on, I'll just leave it here so you can get out, and I'll...wait in there, or something' he rambled as he placed the robe on the toilet seat next to the bath and exited the room, giving her the privacy she deserved.

He sat himself down in the arm chair, looking out of the window as the rain hammered down on the glass, a storm brewing as lightening flashed in the distance, his mind wandering a million miles away, he failed to notice Meredith now standing beside him.

'Derek' she asked, trying to get his attention 'Derek' she repeated allowing her hand to rest on his shoulder 'are you ok?'

'I think I should be asking you that, don't you?' he half smiled as he turned to look at Meredith, her body covered in her white towelling robe, her hair wet and tussled hanging loose framing her face, the lavender scent stronger than ever, covering her body in a beautiful aroma that he would never tire of smelling.

'Can I...' she asked looking to the arm chair

'Oh of course, sorry, here I'll get up, this is your chair, sorry' he said as he began to move up off the chair before Meredith's hands on his chest stopped him

'no, sorry I didn't want you to get up' she smiled as she pushed him slowly back to the chair 'I just wondered, if I could share?' she smiled as she perched on the edge of the chair, before sliding herself onto his knee, her head resting on his shoulder instinctively, as his arms encompassed her.

'Today was a horrible day' she whispered as his hand ran over her back, attempting to sooth her from a day of agony

'I heard' he whispered as he ran his fingers through her golden tresses, tucking the stray strands behind her ears,

'Addison tried' she whimpered 'she really tried'

'I know...I know'

'She fought whilst she was alive to make sure her husband wasn't alone, she did everything she could to give her daughter a chance to survive, and she really loved them both'

'She did Meredith, she did'

'She didn't want him to be alone; do you think that's what all people who are facing death in the face think of? That they don't want the ones they love to be alone?'

'I don't know, it must be scary to be leaving them, and you know there is nothing you can do to stop it' he offered as he felt Meredith begin to stand up off his lap.

'William said it.' She stuttered as she walked over to the bedside table and retrieved the wedding photograph before sitting herself down on the bed.

'sit with me?' she asked as Derek got up and filled the void in the bed next to her, his head resting on the head board, as Meredith sat next to him, running her fingers over the glass before opening the frame and passing Derek the letter that rested in the frame.

'What's this?' he asked as he opened the paper, and saw a page of beautiful handwriting before him.

'William wrote it, before he died, he left it for me to find'

'How? How did he know you would find it?'

'It was under the tequila bottle, he knew me well' she smiled as she encouraged Derek to read the letter, for the first time, brave enough to share such an important memory with another human soul.

Derek held his breath as he read down the note, the lump building in his throat, making it harder to breath as he felt the tears begin to prick the back of his eyes, it was beautiful, he loved her so much, and she was his world.

'He doesn't want me to be alone' she whispered as she took the letter from Derek's hands as he began to fold it back into its original shape, 'but Stacey left a baby, a new life for Dan to share, to be with, to dote on, I have...nothing' she sobbed as he pulled her into his chest, a position that felt totally natural to him these days, to be her pillow, to be there when she needed him

'That's not true Meredith, it's not true'


	36. Chapter 36 I think I've Found a way

Chapter 36 I think I've found a way to save lives

Meredith sat at the small table in the trailer surrounded by books, her head buried deep in journals, reference books and her phone battery dying as she used the last if it to browse the web for more details. For the first time cursing the fact the airstream was in the middle of nowhere, no wireless, no data point – it really was the wilderness in comparison to the city!

She could have used the research lab at the hospital some more but she had definitely wanted to leave, it had owned her for 48 hours straight, ever since Mr Robinson had arrived with a broken hand – and a brain tumour! A brain tumour that no one even knew existed when he walked through the ER doors! She had somehow turned a broken hand into a brain tumour, a brain tumour that was inoperable, a death sentence, a ticking bomb in his head BUT she thought she had found a way to treat it, it was new, and untested, but she really thought she was onto something.

She could have gone back to the house, but the house was empty for the evening, Cristina and Alex both on the night shift, she hated being there alone, she hated being anywhere alone really these days.

She couldn't quite put her finger on how it had happened but she had fallen into a routine with Derek over the last two weeks, ever since Stacey had died, and she had shared Williams letter with him, he had kind of hovered, forever making sure she was ok, making her smile, feeding her, watching old movies under the duvet on the couch with her, he was always there, and when he wasn't it felt odd, like her left arm was missing or something, which she knew sounded crazy, but she loved having Derek Shepherd around. He stayed at the house, or the trailer with her most nights, and the nights they didn't sleep at one of their houses were usually because they were in an OR or on the couch in his office catching up on precious sleep.

They were inseparable.

She knew that people were talking about her, about them, that the gossip mongers were out in full force taking bets, where they a couple? Where they sleeping together? Had he been having an affair all this time? It was funny really, how they speculated – yet they knew nothing, they had no facts, no ammunition, nothing.

There was nothing to bet on.

Derek Shepherd was her best friend.

'What are you doing dressed at 3 in the morning?' Derek asked as he opened the trailer door, relief evident on his face to see Meredith there, his cheeks flushed with worry?

'Hello to you too.' She smiled as she looked up from her work, her brain exhausted from research.

'I went to the house and it was locked up, I rang your phone and it repeatedly went to voice mail' he replied as he scooted Meredith along the couch and slid himself along side of her.

'You were worried?' she asked, noticing the concern in his voice as he ran his fingers through his dark, thick locks, obviously wet from the rain.

'I was worried' he sighed as he took a sip from her coffee cup that stood in front of him 'ewww its cold' he spat as he returned the cup to its place on the table

'Is it?' she hadn't realised, she hadn't touched it for over an hour, she was too caught up in creating medical history, she really thought she had it! 'Is it really 3 in the morning? How the hell did you get across the harbour? Swim?' she laughed looking at his dishevelled self, evidently caught in the rain on route to the trailer.

'I caught the ferry master coming over for the night on one of the small tugs, had to leave the jeep at the ferry terminal, he gave me a lift to the end of the lane, then I...ran' he whispered as he looked up, his eyes meeting Meredith's

'You ran? In the dark, in the rain?' she enquired

'I was worried' he sighed as she took his hand in his

''I'm sorry,' she whispered, 'I was here all along, waiting, and researching, and well hoping you'd come, I lost track of time, I hadn't noticed how late it was, I meant to text to ask you to bring food, I'm starving' she laughed

'There is food in the fridge, there always is' he pointed out as she looked down embarrassed

'Food that needs cooking Derek'

'Well that tends to be the case with lots of food products' he smirked

'You like this trailer don't you?' she asked

'Obviously'

'so I felt best not to turn the oven on...you might have come home to a singed airstream, or even worse, a melted one' she laughed as she saw the realisation spread across his face.

'Thank you for not cooking' he said as he squeezed her hand that sat in his 'I'm grateful I still have a home, but you must be starving now'

'I'm ok, gone past hunger now, besides you can make me breakfast' she joked

'Deal'

It didn't feel awkward to mention breakfast, it didn't make either of them feel embarrassed, they were friends, and weather either of them cared to admit it, they needed each other.

'What are you doing anyway?' he asked as he looked down at the book filled table.

'I think I've found a way to save lives. I don't know for sure but I think, urm, we can save people who have the type of tumour Mr. Robinson has.'

'That's the man who was mauled by the bear?'

'I did all this research' she said, pointing to the table in front of her, the evidence of her hard work scattered across it ' and I found this, it's rare and it's still untested in humans but I could find patients for a clinical trial. I could do the lab work and I could track the results/ but I do need a neuro surgeon and you're one of the best.' She smiled as she saw the excitement replace the worry in his eyes 'it's not about us, our friendship, id go somewhere eels if I could, as this will probably result in your head being unable to fit inside the trailer if it works, but, I think I've found a way to save lives' she repeated again as she moved her case notes over in front of him.

Derek smiled, a slight nod in Meredith's direction as he picked up the notes, glancing over her work, as expected it was meticulous, not one spelling error, just detail, amazing detail, she might just have found a cure.

'It's good right? She enquired trying to read the look on his face

'Now whose being big headed?' he smirked as he placed the files back down on the table

'Obviously hanging around you too long' she batted back, the glint in her eye comforting Derek, to see her so relaxed, so happy.

'Hot shot clinical trial doctors need sleep' he smiled as he stood from the couch and offered Meredith his hand as he picked the notes up with his other hand.

'Aren't you bored of being my pillow yet?' she asked as she placed her own hand in his, warmth rushing over her at how comfortable she felt as he led her to the back of the trailer

'Pillow? Is that all I am to you?' he laughed 'here was me thinking I was a pillow, a blanket, central heating...'

'Ass' she smiled as she threw a cushion off the bed over at him 'I'll be right back, just need to...'

'Do you need a shirt?' he smiled as he noticed the flush of pink tinge her cheeks

'yeah, I was going to bring a bag, but it would look weird or stalkerish or something, so I just brought me, which is even weirder cause I don't want to be naked and I don't want to sleep in my clothes but I can, it's ok'

'Meredith, you know you can have a shirt, I'm used it' he smirked as he threw his Bowdoin t shirt over to her

'Thanks' she replied as she walked over to the bathroom to change

'Hey' he offered as she walked back into the bedroom

'I've been looking over these' he sighed as Meredith settled in next to him on the bed

'Oh, you hate it?' she said, disappointment evident in her voice 'I thought back there you agreed, you called me a hot shot...'

'Meredith' he interrupted as she turned to face her 'I don't hate it'

'But you just said'

'what I said was I've been looking at these' he smiled as she allowed their eyes to meet 'I've been looking at these Meredith and wishing id thought of it first' he smiled as he saw the grin spread quickly across her face.

'You think it will work?'

'I think it's a good starting point, amazing in fact, but it's going to take time to perfect, it's going to be tough, we are going to be exhausted'

'We? You mean you will help? You will support my clinical trial?'

'Yes Meredith, I will help, after all the Shepherd – Worthington Method has a nice ring to it'

'ha you wish Shepherd, you wish, the Worthington with a little help from Shepherd Method sounds so much better' she laughed as she wrapped her arms around him, an act repeated by Derek as he pulled her in close and allowed his hands to explore her back, reaching into her tresses and soothing his hands over her hair.

'Thank you Derek' she whispered 'Thank you'


	37. Chapter 37 Part one BET

Chapter 37

Meredith was exhausted, she never realised researching until the early hours of the morning could be such hard work, she felt like she had been on a 10 mile run, no scrap that, 30 miles, she ached from head to toe, and she had a 48 hour shift to look forward too – least some of that time could be spent on the clinical trial though, with Derek.

Least she had got some sleep, it was a good job Derek had got back to the trailer when he had, otherwise she would have been asleep at the table she was sure and then her back and neck would ache on top of everything else.

And sleeping in his arms, against his chest, it just made everything so much more cope able, he made everything ok.

'Whoa Meredith, you look like hell' Alex laughed as he threw his lunch tray down on the table, startling Meredith as she lifted her head up off her arms.

'Gee thanks Alex, nice to see you too' she groaned as she offered her friend a weak smile before returning her head to the table, her hair falling loose over the top of the head.

'If I didn't know you better I would think you had been up all night?' he enquired, puzzled by the state of his friend 'or downing tequila?'

'I was up all night. I went to the trailer didn't want to be in the house by myself, and Derek came back and...'

'I knew it! Ha, Cristina owes me $50'

'And why is that?' Cristina asked as she sat down in the seat next to Meredith.

'Whoa Mer you look like hell' Cristina laughed as she cast her eyes over her best friend. 'What the hell kept you up all night?'

'Not what cristina, who...who kept her up all night...and as we all know the answer to that then you owe me $50'

'You slept with Derek?' Cristina spat as Meredith looked up confused.

'What? No, no I didn't sleep with Derek well I did, as in his bed kind of sleep, but sleep, not sexy sleep, or rude sleep, just sleep'

'So you and Shepherd aren't doing the nasty nasty?' Alex asked, regretting his outburst as he saw the hurt spread across Meredith's face.

'you two, are supposed to be my friends, my best friends, and I thought you knew me more than anyone, more than Derek, more than William even, but obviously I was wrong' she shouted as she stood up from the table 'here was me thinking you understood the situation with Derek, he is my friend, my best friend it seems, as you too are betting behind my back that I am sleeping with him.'

'Mer calm down please, sit down, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it' Alex said as he stood to try and bring her back to the table.

'no I will not sit down, or calm down, you...and you...should take a long look in the mirror before you judge me on anything, I am not sleeping with Derek Shepherd and I won't be, ever, you get that? Derek is not William, no one will ever take his place, Is that clear enough for you?' she shouted again as she moved away from the table.

'And for the record, I was up till gone 3 making medical history, alone, I was making medical history ALONE!' she shouted before she turned on her heels and left the cafeteria.

'Crap' Cristina and Alex said at the same time as they both got up from the table, suddenly no longer hungry, they had to fix this.

'I can't believe you told her about the bet, you idiot' Cristina said as she hit Alex on the back of the head 'if we have ruined this...'

'Don't say that, its Mer, we can fix this, we can' he hoped as they headed out in search of Meredith.

As the commotion died down, and spectators went back to their lunch, two doctors sat open mouthed behind the vending machine, within ears shot of the 'stage',

'You ok man?' mark asked as he took in the look on Derek's face before him, a tear pricking the back of his eyes, determined not to let them fall.

_I am not sleeping with Derek shepherd and I won't be, ever, you get that?_

'Derek? I thought you two were close?' mark spoke again, his words lost on Derek.

_Derek is not William, no one will ever take his place_

'I never made a move, never over stepped the mark, not once even when my heart, my mind hell even my junk was telling me to make a move, I never did, because I respect her. I respect her and care about her so much...'

'But you wanted it to happen? You wanted to screw Meredith?'

'No mark, I didn't want to screw her, it was more than that, I wanted to be her friend, I am her friend, but in the back of my head, when she fell asleep cuddled into me, her arms wrapped around me, times like that I just thought or hoped it might be more, maybe she would be ready to move on and she would trust me enough to try...'

'She still might man, she was just upset, you can't give up, you two are perfect together, it's obvious'

'Obvious to whom? I'm not William, I'm never going to get what I want.' Derek said, angrily as he stood up from the table, no longer hungry for his sandwich in front of him.

'Where are you going ?' mark asked as his stood up to follow Derek.

'Joes? Later defiantly Joes' he said as he sulked off towards his office 'don't follow me mark, just leave me, but Joes later...' he called as he waited impatiently for the elevator, pressing the button relentlessly until it pinged open.

Once inside he breathed a sigh of relief to find the elevator empty, holding onto the rail on the back wall he hung his head, hurt, confused...angry?

Meredith was grieving still, and as much as he cared about her more than he had ever cared about anyone, he had to do it; he had to take a step back for both of their sakes.

He had to start dating, and the thought terrified him.

For 11 years ever since Marrying Addison he had never EVER wanted to date again that was until meeting Meredith, she had opened his eyes and his heart to the possibility of dating again, of loving again?, it wasn't like he had been a fraud, he hadn't stayed in the same bed with her for weeks in the hope that something would happen, it was more than that.

He cared.

He genuinely cared.


	38. Chapter 37 Pt two Derek Doesnt date

Chapter 37 part 2 Derek doesn't date

Meredith had successfully avoided Alex and Cristina for the full length of her 48 hour shift! She couldn't believe they could be so heartless, betting on her, insinuating that she wanted to sleep with Derek, that she wanted more from Derek then just the amazing friend he was, they were crazy.

They were crazy right?

Derek was her friend, he had bent over backwards to look out for her, to be there for her, he hadn't judged her or pushed her into talking, or opening up. He was patient and caring. She didn't want to move on, she couldn't, it was too soon?

If they were so crazy then why couldn't she get Derek Christopher Shepherd out of her head! She hadn't seen him in nearly 2 days, when she wasn't running around checking on post ops, she had been stuck with her head in the books in the research lab working on the clinical trial, and the pages she had put in to Derek for coffee, lunch, and sleep had all gone unanswered. He must have been tied up in surgery or something, which was odd because she had become his right hand man or women even, but for the past 48 hours she had seen nothing off him. Nothing since he dropped her in 2 days ago after their last night at the trailer.

She missed him and she hadn't slept now since the few short hours in the trailer.

She didn't sleep without him, she couldn't.

That wasn't the only reason she missed him though.

She just missed him.

She missed him.

And if she was honest she missed Cristina and Alex too, they must be worried about her, they only wanted the best for her, but betting on her moving on, that was low, uncalled for and embarrassing, thank goodness Derek hadn't been privy to any of that in the cafeteria, thank god!

She knew he wasn't William, she didn't want him to be William, there would never be another William...

But there was a Derek. A Derek who cared about her, looked after her...loved her?

No it was ridiculous to think that.

Derek Shepherd was her friend, her very best friend.

That's was all...wasn't it?

Meredith made her way down to the tunnels, she knew their shifts were coming to an end and she had to fix this. Alex and Cristina were her people, her best friends (along with Derek) and the ignoring them and the hiding from them had gone too far. She felt relief wash over her as she spotted her friends sitting at the side of the tunnels, Cristina cross legged on a gurney throwing something into Alex's mouth, Alex celebrating every time they were successful!

'hey' she whispered as she approached the pair of juvenile kids 'you know if you really wanted to make it challenging you would sit further back from each other' she laughed as she picked up the jelly beans sitting in cristina's lap and threw one at Alex, hitting him expertly on the head.

'Ow Mer, at least aim' you deserved it she stated as she turned and threw another at Cristina

'Ow' she screamed as the offending jelly bean hit her directly between the eyes

'oh you deserved it too, betting on me, your best friend, ridiculing the one good, constant thing that has kept me smiling the last few weeks, making me question my own friendship with my friend. A jelly bean to the head is trivial in comparison to what you did' Meredith spat at her friends.

'Derek shepherd is my friend, perhaps my very best friend after the way you to acted. He is genuine and caring and he has been her, repeatedly, not judging me.'

'Come on Meredith though, you must admit it looks kind of odd, to the outsider looking in, it does kind of look like you are a couple.' Cristina said as she moved up to make room for her friend on the gurney. 'When you are in the hospital you work with him 24/7, when you leave this place you stay at the trailer in his bed, or he comes to the house in the middle of the night, just to be with you, to help you sleep. It can't just be about the sleep, it can't' she whispered as she forced her friend's eyes to meet hers.

'Well I haven't slept for 48 hours so the sleep must be a factor, it must' Meredith sighed as she started to eat the jelly beans this time, instead of throwing them.

'I haven't seen him for 2 days, and for 2 days I've been walking around the hospital like a human zombie, he makes it easier to sleep, having him there clarifies everything, he's just so...'

'Meredith doesn't hate me for asking this but are you falling for him?'

'What no!'

'Oh you so are' Cristina laughed as she stole the sweets back from her friend

'I am not, he's just so...and he makes me...OH' she paused as realisation began to force its way into her mind.

'I wouldn't worry anyway, you stay in your denial bubble he has a date anyway.' Alex said as he stood up from the gurney.

'What? Derek has a date? Derek doesn't date!' she asked, the pain evident in her voice

'well unless Sloan was talking about setting another Derek up on a double date tonight, then yes meredith, Derek dates' Alex said as he fluffed her head as he walked past.

'But, he can't, he is Derek, my Derek, he can't date...' Meredith spoke softly, as the realisation of her true feelings began to spread through her body.

'He isn't William, but he is Derek...he is...' she faltered now over her words, determined to keep her emotions under control.

'well what he is - is at Joes for the big night if the nurses are to be believed, we could head down there, see what you are up against?' Alex offered as he stopped alongside Cristina, snatching the last of the candy from her lap.

'I'm not up against anything, Derek saw me as a friend nothing else, and I was silly to let your ideas make me think any different, I wasn't even thinking like this until you made some stupid bet and I found out!' she said angrily as she got up and stomped down the corridor away from her friends.

'20 bucks says she ends up throwing back tequila with us in Joes in the next half an hour?' Alex smirked as he helped Cristina up off the bed

'50 bucks says she's ready to claw the bitches' eyes out after her 7th tequila' she laughed as the pair shook hands and set off after Meredith.

'You're on'

'Hey man you ready?' Mark asked as he barged in to Derek's office to see him sitting with his head in his hands. 'Candy and Fleur will be waiting for us if we don't get a move on?'

'Candy and Fleur are you serious? I am a world renowned neuro surgeon, which respected surgeon dates a sugary snack or a badly spelt flower?' he moaned as he stood up from his desk. ' I'm really not sure about this, I don't want to date, I'm happy, I don't need this.'

'what you need is to get laid man, who mentioned dating, a few vodkas and they will be easy prey, hell I'll even let you have first pick' he joked as he hit Derek on the back and began to move him out of the room.

'I really don't, I was wrong, I over reacted, I can wait till she's ready, I can wait' he sighed as he paused on the corridor and moved to face mark 'ever since I first laid eyes on her I felt something, a connection, a pull towards her, before I found out about her past, William, her loss, before all that she had found a place in my heart. And I know that sounds sappy and weak and you probably want to throw something at my head for saying it, but it's true. I can wait for her' he sighed as he felt mark place his hands on each of his shoulders

'I get that you have feelings for her man, it's been obvious for so long, but is she ever going to be ready? Is she ever going to let you in that little bit more? What you over heard the other day was rough, it had to hurt, but was it what you needed to hear? You're going to be waiting forever, can you really wait that long?' mark asked, apologetically, not meaning to hurt his friends feelings or put pressure on him.

'just give it a go tonight, try, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, hell if you don't want one of them i'll take them both home' he smirked, relieved to see a smile wash over Derek's face in return.

'Come on man, just one date, what harm will it do? If you hate it then leave, fake an emergency, but if it's ok and bearable then just go with the flow. It might be fun? You might enjoy it' he smiled as he began to walk out towards the lobby, Derek following behind.

'What sort of names are candy and fleur?' he laughed as he ran to catch up his best friend 'anyone would think you met them at a table dancing bar or something'

'Yeah...or something' mark grimaced, as he pulled up the collar of his jacket and the two best friends headed to Joes, where their dates would await.


	39. Chapter 38 pt one DATING

Chapter 38 part one DATING

It hadn't taken long for Meredith to turn up at Joes and slide into one of the booths at the back of the bar with her two friends. She had wanted to go back to the house, she really had, but the realisation that it would be empty and that by all accounts Derek wouldn't be joining her really didn't appeal.

Tequila. That appealed though!

That was the only solution, she was off work the next day after the dreaded 48 hour shift, so she could down as much tequila as she wished, it might mean sleep was easier to come by if she was going to be alone! Plus with no work tomorrow it wouldn't matter if she spent the day hugging the porcelain toilet bowl.

Tequila – her new best friend?

She allowed herself a quick glance around the bar, no sign of Derek, or Mark. Maybe Alex over heard wrong? Maybe it was just a joke that got taken out of context. Derek didn't date. Or he hadn't in the few months that they had become friends, inseparable friends. He wasn't ready for anything, not after Addison, he didn't date.

Did he?

'Who wants a drink?' Meredith said, forcing a smile out at Alex and Cristina 'My round.'

'There is tequila right there waiting for you Meredith.' Cristina pointed out as she motioned the two glasses waiting on the table, the seemingly innocent liquid glistening in the dim light of the bar.

Meredith smirked, picked up the two shots and downed them as if they were water, not even a sign of a grimace on her face.

'You're going to be sorry in the morning' Alex smirked as he watched Meredith waltz over to the bar to put in an order for more.

As she sat on the bar stool and waited for Joe to be free she allowed herself another gaze around the bar. Could any of these people be Derek's date? Would he be meeting her here? Would they arrive together?

Just the thought of what she may or may not witness left her with a feeling of dread in her stomach. He was her friend, she needed him, and she didn't want to share...she knew how ridiculous that sounded, she had no right to say what he could do, but he was always there, always around, there was something about him. She hadn't seen him now for 2 days and she missed him, really missed him, it was almost like he was avoiding her, distancing himself from her. But why? They were always together; she just couldn't understand what had happened in the last 48 hours for him to hide himself away. She hadn't even scrubbed in a surgery with him, and for the last few months she had been at his side during ALL the surgeries that her shifts had allowed.

Meredith eyed two 'girls' sitting at one of the high tables to the side of the main entrance. Well she thought they were girls, they could possibly be mistaken for transvestites too with the Bleach blonde, fake hair extensions – the matted joins visible at the roots, in fact the hair just screamed wash me! Their nails looked like they could cause more damage than your average scalpel, orange perm-a-tan skin that looked like it came out of a bottle of fake Tropez and not a Caribbean getaway and boobs that mirrored Madonna's gold little get up circa 1980s! She watched the pair a few minutes longer as they precariously balanced on two of the higher bar stools, their 6 inch stilettos tapping impatiently on the foot rest.

Classy she thought to herself as her mind returned to the job at hand.

Tequila.

'Hey Joe same again please?' she smiled at Joe 'and keep them coming' she smirked as she fished around in her pocket for change.

As she slid back into the booth, her back to the door in the space next to Cristina she didn't think twice about throwing back another of the shots.

'Whoa, remember I will be the one dealing with your puke at 5 am, so please – put the brakes on' Alex laughed as he took a sip of his own beer and winked at Meredith.

'So have a good look around Alex, you're in a good viewing spot, does there look to be anyone here who could be Derek's date?' she asked as she returned the shot glass down to the table.

'Why do you care so much anyway?' Cristina asked, not meaning to be so insensitive, but well, it was Cristina, and it came oh so naturally.

'I don't care, I'm just curious that's all' she murmured

'McSteamy and McDreamy 6 o clock' Alex quipped quickly, motioning to the door with his eyes, as the sound of the bell filled the air in the bar.

'McSteamy and McDreamy...What?'

'Mark and Derek,' Cristina explained as she allowed herself a slight glance over her shoulder to see the pair walk in.

'But Mc?'

'Never mind, we nicknamed them, it was fun, you don't need to worry about it!' Cristina laughed

'No you don't need to worry about THAT' Alex interrupted 'What you do need to worry about is that the Mc brothers just sat themselves down at a table with Barbie's trailer park cousins'

Meredith's head span around in an instance.

Derek was here.

She hadn't seen him in days.

And he was here.

Dating.

She forced herself to look away, to turn back to the table, her eyes resting on what would be her fourth tequila, desperately not looking up at Alex, she couldn't let him see the tears that were pricking the backs of her eyes, the sheer sight of him sliding onto the bar stool as he flashed his most perfect smile at the tramp before him was enough for her eyes to glaze over.

He was dating.

That was all it took to instruct her hand to pick up the next glass and deposit the now burning liquid into the pit of her stomach before placing her head on the table, it was easier to stare at the wood, then the silicone factory.

'Joe?' Alex called as the barman collected the glasses that adorned their table 'I think we are going to need another round' Alex said as he motioned to the table by the bar that currently held Derek and his date.

'Oh I think I can do better than that' Joe smiled as he walked back off towards the bar before returning and placing a bottle of José in front of meredith, between her hands that stretched out in front of her resting place on the table 'this ones on me' he smiled before leaving to take Marks order who was now standing at the bar.

'you do know if you drink all that we are probably going to have to admit you to the ER for your stomach to be pumped in approximately 2 hours' cristina pointed out as meredith swigged a shot straight from the bottle.

'It would be better than here' she whispered as she returned her head to the table.

'You know forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn here, but if you like Derek, possibly more than a friend why don't you tell him?' Alex asked 'he wouldn't rush you, or pressure you, he knows the score?'

'And what scores that Alex?' she snapped as she sat back up and poured a shot out.

'well I'm guessing the fact you don't feel ready to date, you feel like you are cheating on William, on his memory, that it would be like you were forgetting all that you had in the past – am I close?' he asked as he saw tears well up in Meredith's eyes.

'I'm sorry if that's harsh Meredith, but sometimes you need to point out to the people you care about what's right in front of their faces.' He offered apologetically. 'Until Derek you were a shell of your former self, hell, even cristina and I couldn't help, not really. But with Derek your more like you, the smile is back, the shine in your eyes returned, he helped, he would do anything for you, and you need him, you really need him' he finished as meredith lay her head on cristina shoulder, taking in the words she really feared to hear.

She did need Derek, she knew that, but it still didn't explain why she felt so guilty about feeling that way.

William didn't want her to be alone.

'But I'm not ready to date, I've never even thought about dating again!' Meredith said as she poured a shot out for both her friends and slid the glasses over to them. 'I'm married, or was married, hell I don't even know how I'm supposed to classify myself any more, I'm married to William, we didn't divorce, we didn't fall out of love, he was snatched away from me, my happiness and my future disintegrated before my eyes they day he died! We didn't stop loving each other, and we will never will' she sobbed as she succumbed to the heartache of the past few months once again.

'No one would ever expect you to stop loving William, Derek more than anyone understands how you have been feeling. You have opened up to him in a way I would never have believed Mer; he wouldn't put pressure on you or ask any more than you were willing to give.' Alex said as Cristina sat open mouthed at such wisdom coming from her friend's mouth.

'It pains me to say this but Alex is right' Cristina smiled as she took Meredith's hand in her own.

'if you were ever going to feel ready, if the possibility of dating was ever going to become an option for you then I think if you are honest there is only one person you would consider moving forwards with, and he has amazed all of us by stepping up and supporting you, Derek is one of the good ones.' She said as she necked the tequila in one. 'Man I needed that praising Alex and mcdreamy in one sentence is painful' she laughed as she saw Meredith begin to relax again beside her.

'But I'm not ready right now' Meredith spoke quietly as she topped up Cristina's glass.

'That sounds hopeful though, that makes it seem like in the future you might be. Don't let him get away Mer; he could be exactly the person you need – when you are ready. Maybe you need to tell him some of this, because it seems clear to me that you don't want to lose him, him on a date bothers you...you don't want him to date, unless in the future maybe it's you. But he doesn't know that, and he should know, you should tell him'

'But how do we know if he even thinks that about me? We have no idea. After all he is on a date with the jelly mould twins over there and he hasn't spoken to me for the past two days. It's like he has been avoiding me or something'

'Did you ever stop and think maybe he was?' Cristina asked 'I'm not meaning to upset you but maybe he was avoiding you? You put on a pretty decent show in the cafeteria the other day and did a lot of spouting off about Derek, who's to say he didn't hear you, or get wind of it from someone else. News spreads fast in that place.'

'You think he knows what I said? When I said he would never be William? You think that's why he is ignoring me? He didn't even sneak into the on call room and sleep with me for 10 minutes between OR slots, for the first time in months he has been nowhere to be found' she sobbed as the realization that her friend just might be right,

Had he overheard? Had someone told him? They must have done!

CRAP! She thought as she wasted no time in knocking back another shot of her favourite medicine.

'Is he smiling?' she asked Alex, whose eyes were firmly fixed on Derek's table

'Well he is fiddling with the label on his beer bottle, he hasn't even got scotch, he has got beer, and Derek Shepherd doesn't drink beer' Alex laughed as he saw the small smile fall onto Meredith's face

'Now you sound like me' she laughed as the tequila began to take hold and her body began to relax.

'and as for the smile, well it's so forced I'm actually wondering if Sloan has rammed a wire coat hanger in there just to keep up the pretence that he is happy!'

'Awww you could make a straight to TV movie out of this crap' Cristina laughed 'The brain surgeon and the tramp! I mean look Mer, just take a look at that scene, does that look like a happy date to you.'

Meredith didn't really want to look, but her friends seemed unimpressed, so it couldn't hurt, could it? 'He looks weird' she laughed as she peered out from behind her booth, he was oblivious to her presence, yet she could monitor his every move. 'You see how he is stroking his chin?' that's his frustrated face, like when the fish aren't biting, or he has piles of paper work to catch up'

'Or when he is thinking he would much rather be on a date with someone else?' Alex offered as Meredith turned back to the table.

'Derek doesn't want to date me, he has spent all this time with me and not once made out that he wants anything more than friendship. He wasn't ready to move on, after Addison, he needed time, to deal with everything, and obviously now he feels ready, so he is dating someone who isn't me, he doesn't want to date me'

'sounds perfect if you ask me, both unsure about moving on, about letting someone else in, when in reality you have both already done the hard part, man he even puts up with your trucker snoring, it seems to me that you two need to do some communicating, I mean look at him, really look at him. He is hating it! Sloan is all man whore playing both girls, and Derek just looks – lost.'

When did Alex get so wise, he didn't believe in true love or fate, or anything really beyond one night stands or love them and leave them flings, maybe it was the tequila, maybe it made him wise, she knew it must have more purpose then acting as a memory eraser! Tequila made Alex Karev wise!

Meredith allowed herself one last glance around to witness Derek's date. She had to see again for herself if he really was as uncomfortable as Alex and Cristina were making out.

As she turned her head and allowed her eyes to pass over the table she was surprised to see his sparkling blue sapphires staring straight back at her. Green and blue met in an intense stare across the bar, each taking comfort in one another. The first meeting of the sea and the sky for 48 hours. Neither breaking the gaze. Neither ready to turn their attention back to their tables and their company.

Meredith held her breath as she continued to look over at Derek, his eyes never leaving hers, they grew wider as if to apologise for his actions, a stare that clearly highlighted that he was having an awful time, a look that screamed 'I miss you' was returned by meredith before she witnessed mark tap him on the shoulder and bring him back into the conversation at the table.

He was hating it.

Derek didn't want to date.

But what did he want?


	40. Chapter 38 pt two I owe you

Chapter 83 part two I owe you

Derek couldn't help despise the fact that Joes was across the street. If he had had to walk any kind of distance to get to this date then he wouldn't have gone, he would have got out of it, but with the bar within spitting distance of the main entrance of the hospital there was no escape.

Derek Shepherd had a date.

This was crazy he thought to himself. For the first time in 11 years he had a date with someone other than his ex wife and he was dreading it, he didn't want to date, not sugar or flower or whatever they were called, he wanted to date Meredith, to show her how much he cared and how patient he could be. He had over reacted after hearing her outburst in the cafeteria, and he let mark fill his head with ridiculous ideas, and now here he was approaching a bar, their bar, for a date with someone who wasn't Meredith.

Meredith.

He had done a pretty good job of avoiding her for the last two days. It had seemed like the best thing to do at the time, the only solution to try and stop his head and his heart over flowing with thoughts of her.

Except it had been worse.

So much worse.

He missed her so much. He missed her company, her lavender scent, her support in the OR, her beautiful giggle when he made her smile hell he even missed her snoring. He hadn't slept for almost two days the couch in his office was nowhere near as comfortable when he had no one to snuggle up with. He had had a pretty tough battle with himself, one part of him desperately wanting to text her, to reach out to her, to let her know everything was ok, but the other, more confused side fought a gallant battle and won – so he avoided. It had been for the best, hadn't it?

He missed her.

He felt guilty too, he had some pretty big surgeries the past couple of days, surgeries that would have taught Meredith a lot and given her a great insight into neuro. But instead he had put his own feelings first, he had let his private life control his professional life, and he was ashamed of the fact.

Here he was ignoring Meredith, when she didn't have a clue why. She didn't know he had over heard her rant in the cafeteria, she didn't no he was purposely avoiding her pages, faking meetings just to avoid running into her.

He was a coward.

He should have spoken to her about what he heard, let her explain.

She had text more than once, eager to share more information for her clinical trial (something she was putting her all into), and offers of lunch, dinner, sleep – all of their usual routine stuff.

Except there couldn't be a routine. Not in the way he wanted.

He would never be William, and she was never going to move on.

But why then, in the back of his, did something keep niggling him.

If she didn't want to move on, if she was never going to try to be happy again – why did she keep him around? Even after 2 days worth of his ignorance she had still text to see if he was ok.

And he had just ignored it!

He was crazy.

He needed her.

'You have got to be kidding me.' Derek whispered through gritted teeth as he laid eyes on his 'date.' 'What did you do, look up two of your least successful surgeries and take pity on them? He asked mark as he shot him a look of hate.

His own brother had set him up on a date with a hooker, obviously he had no idea if the girls were actually hookers, but the clothes, the hair, the tide line of badly applied foundation – it screamed hooker to him.

He knew that was bad, to judge people on their appearance, but seriously he was going to hurt Mark.

This was going to be hell.

'Ladies.' Mark smirked as he approached the table and planted a kiss on each of the girl's cheeks before turning to introduce Derek.

_Smile and wave Derek smile and wave..._

'This is my best friend and Brother Derek Shepherd, Derek this is fleur and candy our wonderful company for the evening'

The girls stepped towards Derek, obviously looking for the same kind of welcome they had received from Mark, but Derek politely held out his hand, offering them a small shake and nothing more, he wasn't going to allow his lips to touch their cheeks, he didn't know what he might catch!

He sat in silence as Mark went off to collect the drinks, cursing his friend for putting him through this, and here of all places.

He just hoped Meredith wasn't here...

'So Mark said you're a brain doctor?' one of the hooker twins said 'like, you get to actually feel the inside of people's heads, that's so cool' the other one finished the sentence.

Oh great they are performing monkeys.

'Yeah amongst other things.' He sighed, desperately trying to keep the fake smile on his face as to not look too miserable.

'I'd love to see inside my head, I bet my brain is all pink and sparkly' one of the migraine triggers said.

'Yeah like totally, I bet mines purple and got stars floating around, wouldn't that be great Derek, if you could customise your brain to your outfit'

Where these people for real...what the hell was he doing...

'unless you are planning on wearing your brain on the outside of your body, as a bag perhaps, then I don't see that ever happening, as you would be dead.' He snapped back, unable to hold his tongue after listening to such drivel.

'Oh I never thought of that.' Tweedle Dee laughed.

'Me either' tweedle dumb added.

'Here we go ladies two Sex on the Beach' mark laughed as he slid some sickly coloured liquid over to the girls on the other side of the table, before handing Derek a beer.

'What, no scotch?'

'I thought this was the better option.' Mark offered as he clinked his bottle against Derek's

'Scotch might help, numb the pain or something' Derek whispered as he took a swig of the drink.

'Whoa steady on man, there is plenty more where that came from' mark laughed as Derek more or less finished the beer in one.

'Thank god' he sighed.

'Mark, I was wondering do you think you might be able to give me your opinion on my implants, I'm sure the left one is harder than the right.' One of the nuisances called as she grabbed marks hand and placed it on her chest.

Mark smirked at Derek, as he let his hand caress his date's breast.

'What do you think man, you want to feel?' mark teased, desperate to help Derek relax.

'I think I'll pass' Derek smiled as he grabbed the attention of the waitress and bought himself another beer, the others still had plenty left, and the thought of wasting money on his present company didn't exactly appeal.

'You might be right candy; I could give you more of an opinion later though.' Mark laughed as he gave her a flash of his intentions, the glint evident in his eye.

'You're on'

'So Derek, it must be hard work, being a doctor, I work nights, but it's not the same I guess.'

'it is hard work yes, but entirely worth it when you get to save a life, cure someone of something they feared would control their life or tell a family good news' he smiled, she was trying, the least he could do was be polite.

'What is it you do Fleur?' he asked curious yet already anticipating her answer.

'I'm a dancer' she smiled as she leant over on the table and placed her hand on top of Derek's 'if you want a private dance later then just say the word' she smiled as Derek pulled his hand out from underneath hers.

Oh Mark Sloan sure knew how to pick them!

Did he have no standards!

He didn't understand why Mark went for such brainless idiots, he was a surgeon, a very famous plastic surgeon, he had patients flying across the country for consultations with him, he was a catch, and he could have had his pick of the girls, yet he chose to surround himself with airheads who resembled shop mannequins, actually, that was doing mannequins a disservice, they were more attractive then the pit bulls sitting opposite him!

As he took another sip from his beer something caught his attention, the smell, it was unmistakeable.

Lavender.

She was here.

He allowed his eyes to scan the room, searching for Meredith as the lavender smell became intoxicating, he loved it.

Where was she? How long had she been here?

His head was awash with questions as his gaze finally fell on the back booth, furthest away from the bar. Two heads popping up and down in an animated discussion – Cristina and Alex – before a third head appeared just visible above the top of the seat. Her hands running through her hair, as if seeking comfort in something.

Had she seen him?

He was oblivious now to the conversation going on around him. For the first time in 48 hours his eyes had set on the most beautiful sight he thought he would ever see – Meredith.

His heart ached at the sudden realisation that she was in the bar, after avoiding her for so long it was taking all of his strength not to get up and go and join her. He didn't want to be on this date, he wanted to be over there, with Meredith.

As he reached for his beer again he sensed movement out of the corner of his eye, and he allowed his gaze to fall once again on the table.

Holding his breath, anticipating her next move.

As she turned her head slowly, her beautiful green orbs coming into view, he remained rooted to his seat, his gaze never leaving hers.

It was like no one else in the bar existed, everything went quiet, there was only one person in the room to him, and he was currently locked in an intense staring match with her, neither blinking nor breaking the gaze.

The fine hairs that covered his arms stood on end, the electricity of her eyes affecting him like never before. His breath caught in the back of his throat as he tried to swallow the anticipation that was creeping over his body.

He offered her a small smile, an apology, an invitation...

I miss you he screamed on the inside, hoping the message was conveyed to Meredith as deeply as he meant it.

I miss you.

A shared return of regret etched across Meredith's face.

She missed him too.

His attention was distracted from Meredith as mark tapped him on the shoulder and told some lame arse joke, that he forced a smile too.

He hated this, the women he cared about was sitting on the opposite side of the bar – witnessing his date, he needed to get out! He needed an out.

Bzzzz Bzzzzz

The sound of his cell phone vibrating shook him back to the moment as he looked down at the screen and saw Meredith's caller ID flashing across. He looked up, shocked to see the booth empty that her friends and her had previously occupied.

Where had she gone?

How did she get past without him noticing?

'You looked like you needed rescuing.' He heard as he answered the phone, 3 pairs of eyes now resting firmly on him at the table, her sweet voice flooding his mind 'I don't know what's going on with you, but this is me, trying, so if you need an out, then I'm your out' he could tell she was smiling, looking out for him – caring.

'Oh a trauma, many head injuries, of course nurse I'll be right there.' He sighed as he ended the call and stood up from the table.

'I'm sorry ladies, and mark, as exciting as this was; I'm a busy doctor with brains that need customising so I'll be on my way.' He smirked as he pushed the stool back under the table.

'You said trauma? Do they need me too?' mark asked, throwing a puzzled look at Derek.

'No they definitely don't need you, you have your own surgical cases to work wonders on sitting right here' he laughed as he headed for the exit.

'Hi' he heard from up ahead, his eyes adjusting to the dimly lit walk way that led back to the hospital

'I owe you' he smiled as he walked up closer as Meredith came into view.

'You owe me a lot of things' she smiled as she stood up from the wall she was leaning on. He pulled up the collar on his coat as the night time air crept up on him as he took in the sight of her before him.

The familiar red blush sat nested on her cheeks – tequila – he thought to himself.

'You heard me didn't you? In the cafeteria the other day, you heard what I said' she whispered quietly, the pain obvious in her voice.

'I did' he whispered back, unable to move to close the distance between them.

'I'm sorry' she sobbed as she lunged forwards, taking him by surprise as she threw her arms around his neck. 'I miss you,'

'I missed you too' he said as he engulfed her into his arms, his head burying itself into her hair, inhaling the mesmerizing sent that he had become so familiar with. Feeling her relax in his arms as he soothed her back, his fingers tracing up and down over the length of her spine.

'I don't want to be alone'


	41. Chapter 39 Honesty

_Chapter 39 Honesty_

'_I don't want to be alone'_

The tears welled quickly in his eyes as he held her shaking body in his arms, his hands continuously soothing her back, desperate to show her it was ok. He had never meant to make her react like this, the date was about moving on, from accepting what wasn't going to happen, but as he held her in his arms, and their bodies rested against one another, a perfect fit, he couldn't help but wonder just how much she meant by her admission of not wanting to be alone.

'It's ok Mer, its ok' he whispered as he felt the tears stream down his face, as she began to move out of his grasp.

'I'm ok' she sobbed as she moved the hair out of her face and allowed herself to look up at Derek. She rubbed her palms over her cheeks to rid herself of the tears that were currently staining her fave and noticed the dampness that presently rested on Derek's cheeks too. She raised her hand and gently placed it on his cheek, wiping his face clean of tears, as he nestled his cheek into her palm, desperate to maintain the contact as long as possible, then raising his own hand and rubbing his thumbs under each of her eyes to stem the flow of tears that were threatening to fall again before pulling her in close to him again, relieved to feel her wrapping her arms around him once more, his hand running through her hair as he began to walk them both towards the road to find a taxi.

The short ride back to Meredith's house was a quiet journey, only the sound of each of them breathing could be heard. Meredith's head rested on his chest and her arm lay gently across his stomach. His own head buried into the top of hers, inhaling her scent with every breath he took and his hand caressing her arm softly as she huddled in closer, cold now as the night time air enveloped their bodies, the taxi offering no respite from the temperature.

'Mer, we are here.' He smiled as he paid the small fee and ran round to her door to open it for her, before covering her in his coat as the pair made the way into the house.

Cristina and Alex had gone on ahead, knowing Meredith needed to talk to Derek, and had respected their privacy by heading straight to bed when they got back, so the house was eerily empty and shadowy as meredith flicked he hall light on and headed towards the kitchen.

'Coffee' she asked 'or something stronger? There is scotch in the cupboard?'

'Coffee would be great.' He smiled as he leaned back on the counter top and watched her every move as she filled the pot.

'Mer?'

'Not now ok, coffee first.'

'Ok' he whispered as he moved to stand behind her, her eyes focused on the coffee pot, his eyes trained firmly on her as he allowed both of his hands to move up and caress the soft pink skin of her upper arms, down to her forearms. He felt the shiver run over her body at his touch as he wrapped his arms around her, holding his breath in case she pushed him away – she didn't. Instead she leant backwards into him and placed her hands on top of his.

'I'll wait. I'll wait until you're ready.' He whispered into her ear as he rested his chin on her shoulder and time seemed to stop still.

He had no idea what this actually was, but he knew one thing for certain, he didn't want to change it for the world.

'Sit with me?' Meredith asked as she poured the coffee and handed one over to Derek, before taking his other hand and leading him back outside to the porch.

Their hands fitting so perfectly as one.

Like they were meant to be.

'Mer are you sure? He asked as he watched her open the front door and head back out giving her a confused look as to why they would be heading back out into the night.

She smiled as she gave a gentle tug on his hand and walked towards an old wooden seat he hadn't noticed before in all his visits to the house.

'Cristina and Alex usually sit outside here, putting the world to rights; I usually just watch them from the living room.' She explained 'it's supposed to swing, except it doesn't, so it's pretty pointless really, but they always seem relaxed when they come back in, so maybe this is the right place for us.'

'It's a great idea, it's nice, peaceful.' He smiled as he watched her place her coffee on the floor and sit down on the seat pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them.

'It doesn't swing you say?' he asked as he walked past Meredith and took a look at the mechanism holding the seat and the stand together. 'I wonder if I just...I think...yes, there we go.' He smiled as the seat swung into life as he pulled an old metal peg out from between the wood and Meredith's petite frame began to swing back and forth as she looked up and flashed Derek a grin that was easily able to melt his heart.

'It works!' she smiled as she slowed the rate and tapped the space next to her for Derek to sit. 'Thanks' she said as she lay her head on Derek's shoulder and the pair sat in silence for a while, both assessing their own thoughts in their heads, the wind getting up and whistling through the tree's as a few drops of light rain began to fall, Meredith and Derek remaining dry on the porch, covered by the roof.

A shivering Meredith was enough to grab Derek's attention as he pulled her in closer again, and ran his hand over her goose bump covered arm.

'Here take this.' He said as he slipped off his coat and wrapped it around Meredith, smiling to himself at how tiny she looked inside his jacket.

'Thanks.' She smiled as she placed her arms through the sleeves before she returned her head to its familiar resting place on his shoulder.

'You know if you're cold we could go in?'

'No, its fine, I'm fine, it's nice out here with you, it's nice.'

'we can just sit tonight, you don't have to say anything you know, I'll still be here tomorrow, and the days after that for when you are ready. You don't need to rush anything, I meant it Meredith when I said I can wait – you are worth waiting for'

'Thank you, but I have to do this, we need to this, I owe it to you, and myself.' She sighed as she turned on the swing crossing her legs up onto the seat facing Derek. He noticed her move and spun himself slightly so he was looking directly at her now.

Her red rimmed eyes the only sign of her earlier tears, and a slight smile rested on her lips as he felt her take his hands in his and rest them on her lap.

'When William died it felt like my life ended, everything I knew and loved was snatched away from me so quickly that I didn't really see any way to carry on.' She whispered as her breath caught in the back of her throat and she stopped a sob from escaping. 'he was amazing, even in the darkest of times he still kept a smile on his face, I think to try and stop me worrying, but right until the end he was smiling, and making plans for the future for when he got better – even though he knew! I think I held onto that a bit too much, I didn't realise how thinking about the future helped him get through each day, I grabbed onto that, and lived in a world of denial for far too long – I thought he would get better.' The tears escaped now, streaming down her face as Derek began to play with her hands, entwining their hands together but not interrupting her yet keeping the physical contact between the pair. 'I should have known as a doctor that it was only a matter of time, but right until that last moment, when they switched off the machines and sent my husband to heaven even then I thought he might wake up – when the monitors screeched and time of death was announced it was like everything suddenly hit me – he wasn't getting better, he was gone.'

'There were days straight afterwards when I locked myself away and contemplated ending it. He was my only real family, my mother isn't a mother you really want hanging around, he was everything to me husband, father, mother – he gave me guidance like no one had ever bothered to do in the past. And it just seemed that nobody would miss me if I was gone.'

'Oh Mer' he sobbed as he felt the tears stream down his cheeks as he listened to the heart break in her voice, it was taking all his self control not to embrace her and pull her close, but she needed to do this, he had to let her do this. He couldn't interrupt; this was all part of her healing, of her talking steps forwards.

'Cristina knew I was falling apart, we had a drunken conversation one night that I still don't remember to this day, but by all accounts I said my good bye and more or less told Cristina she would never see me again. I think I passed out after that, the next thing I remember is Cristina barging into my bedroom after a 6 hour flight across the country in a desperate attempt to save my life! She was expecting to find my body, she thought I was dead, it was then I realised that Boston had nothing for me, I had no one there, but in Cristina and Alex I had a chance of a future, with them as support, they gave me an out from the pain and the hurt I was feeling. I didn't do anything that night, but Cristina said the pills were lined up, as if I'd planned to do something. Even when I really try I can't remember anything, I just know I drowned the pain in tequila, it was easier then facing reality. And I'm thankful now that I drank that much tequila that I wasn't able to follow it with the tablets. I didn't want to kill myself, I didn't want to die.'

The tears were streaming down both of their faces now; Meredith's heart breaking as she reminisced over the past, and Derek's own heart breaking for the pain she had to go through, was still going through. He opened up his arm and was relieved when she snuggled into his side. His own arm resting precariously on her hip, his fingers rested just below her hip bone.

'When I moved to Seattle everything was so different, I had friends in cristina and Alex who cared about me and who wanted to be there for me whatever the cost, I couldn't believe how much they did for me, they more or less put their lives on hold whilst they dealt with the car wreck that was more life. And then I met you. Meeting you was different for me then it was for you, you had no idea who I was, and even when I broke down you still stuck around, and then it was like something happened to me, and I really don't know how to explain it without sounding like... I just feel different I wanna be better at everything, and I wanna let you in. I swear.' She sobbed as the tears fell freely now down her face, her shoulders shaking as the sadness and exhaustion took over her body.

'I have no idea what you want Derek, or if I will be able to give it to you but I want to try, I'm dark and twisty and scared, petrified in fact but I'm leaning into the fear to get a happy ending. Just, now is not the time to give up on me, okay? That's what I'm saying."

Derek adjusted the position the pair were sitting in until their eyes met again, the salty tears each of them displayed had stained their cheeks, and their bottom lids both shared a waterfall waiting to cascade further down their faces.

'I would never give up on you.' He whispered as he ran his fingers through her hair and allowed his left hand to rest between her chin and her ear, cupping her face in his palm. 'From the moment I saw you I was hooked, the giggle, the scent, everything – you enticed me, you made me feel alive in ways that nobody had ever effected me. You were hurting yet you still let me in. You faced the biggest crisis of your life, and even though it was devastating beyond belief you still moved forwards. And you get the rest of us to move forward too. Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse, and you know we'll survive too. You say you're all dark and twisty. It's not a flaw, it's a strength. It makes you who you are.'

Meredith sat up as he finished, his words forever etching their way into her heart. She didn't think she had ever heard anyone talk about her in that way, he wasn't judging her on her past, or the pain she still felt every day, he just saw her, Meredith Worthington...Meredith Grey? He just saw her!

'I'm not going to lie to you meredith, for weeks now, if not longer I've found myself imagining what it could be like to be more than friends, to build a future together, and I'm sorry if that scares you or freaks you out but I think if you are being honest then I need to be too. You said the other day that I wasn't William, and it hurt, but when I step back from the situation and look at it with a clear head, you not wanting me to be William isn't a bad thing. I would never try to be someone I'm not; I would never try and replace William.

I'm Derek, Derek Christopher Shepherd and I can't pretend to be anyone else.'

'I wouldn't want you to be anyone else.' she sobbed as she saw how genuine he was, his eyes screaming out how much he cared, how much he wanted this, wanted her..

'I'm not sure if I can do this, if I can be the person you want me to be.'

'Ok, fine.'

'Fine, what does that mean?'

'I'm going to move very slowly, baby steps, no sudden moves. I have feelings for you Meredith like no other I have ever experienced before and no matter what you want then I will be here. Hell I even tried to date tonight and look where that got me.' He forced a smile and was relieved to see one spread across her face too. 'And I'd just like to get it on record that I was set up entirely, and I hated it, every last second of it till you saved me. You saved me out there and it made me realise that I can't pretend that I don't want more. Because I do. But what I can promise you is that I'll wait. You're worth waiting for.' He smiled as their gaze fell as one.

'I have feelings for you to Derek and I have no idea how to deal with them. William was meant to be the love of my life, my soul mate...and I will never forget him...but with you..There is this thing, this connection... And..I don't want you to date other people. It may not be enough for you, but I'm trying here so I don't want you to date anybody but me. That's it. Except, I'm scared as hell to want you, but here I am, wanting you anyway. And fear means I have something to lose, right? And I don't want to lose you.'

She felt his other hand reach up now and cup her face in his hand. The meeting of green and blue orbs sparkling in the moonlight as the tears glistened in each of their eyes. She closed her eyes and leaned forwards, relaxing into his hands as his left hand released her face and found its way to the back of her head caressing her neck, running his fingers through the wisps of hair that lay there. Her breath hitched in the back of her throat, his pulse rate increased rapidly at the prospect of what was about to happen. The distance between them decreasing with each slow yet determined move forwards, her own hands shaking as they reached up and encircled his neck before running her fingers through the thick beautiful mane of dark curls at the back of his head, before guiding his face closer to hers again. As their noses touched, each dared to open their eyes and take in the moment that was about to happen. Each could tell the other was smiling now, as their eyes lit up before it happened...their lips touched, soft and gentle, neither over stepping the boundaries, but neither willing for it to end either as each of them allowed their hands to take a tighter grip on one another, a slight part in their lips allowing the other to explore gently, the taste of the other.

As they parted their eyes never left one another, a small smile resting on both of their lips as their fingers laced together as one. Derek lifted their joined hands to his lips and kissed the meeting place of their fingers.

A kiss that to an outsider looked sweet and, but to the honest pair swinging on the porch held a thousand words.

'You see this?' he said as he kissed their union of hands again 'all the time in the world.' He smiled as Meredith leant over and left a soft lingering kiss on his lips again before cuddling back into his side and closing her eyes as relief swept over her body.

He wasn't William, and that was ok.

He was Derek Christopher Shepherd...


	42. Chapter 4o Hope

Chapter 40 - hope

She had done it. She had actually had an honest conversation, she didn't open up to people, she rarely let anyone in, but with Derek it had been so much easier then she had ever imagined. She had been petrified and she knew her voice had being shaking repeatedly as she spoke. But the way he looked at her, caressed her arm – kissed her...she knew she had done the right thing. For the first time in a very long time she felt a sense of hope for the future that perhaps her life wouldn't just be about work and mundane daily routine.

She could get ready.

She WOULD get ready.

Seeing him there in the bar with another girl (even if she was a plastic cast off) had hurt like she couldn't believe. She knew the idea of him dating had affected her, but it wasn't until their eyes actually met across the bar in Joes' that she knew she had to be brave and seize the day. Losing William so cruelly had made her realise just how short life was and how valuable every minute was.

She wanted something with him, she was scared as hell to admit it (to herself and to him) but she had to.

He was Derek Christopher Shepherd.

It was obvious how much he was hating his 'date', his eyes held a thousand words as they pleaded over to her, apologising for his absence, it was then in that split second, when she saw the anxious look fall across his face that she had worked it out. He had over heard her outburst, or someone else had informed him of it. It all made sense. She hadn't seen him since that morning, and then he had ran. He had avoided her. He had done a Meredith (as Alex liked to call it). And as she downed her final tequila and slipped out of the bar unnoticed by his table she had made the decision to offer him an out, a lifeline, she had to try.

And thank goodness it had worked.

It was still dark out. The street lights illuminated the road and the tress outside her window cast shadows across her room. Meredith guessed it must be about 4am, but she hadn't bothered to look at the clock, instead she just stared at the ceiling, her gaze fixed on an uneven paint spot she had never noticed before. She felt lost in the huge bed, lonely.

A small smile crept across her face as she thought back to the earlier kiss. Her fingers resting on her lips remembering the way his lips had felt on her own. The meeting of their lips was definitely not planned but felt so right. She had no idea that talking so honestly with him would have led to that, but she had wanted it. She had no idea who had instigated it; it was if their minds were in unison as their lips had become one. It had been soft, gentle – perfect.

Whatever was she thinking allowing Derek to sleep on the couch? After their honest conversation they had stayed outside snuggled up on the swing for a while longer until Meredith had yawned and was obviously tired. Derek had offered to stay on the couch, He said tonight had been a lot and he hadn't wanted to crowd her or freak her out by then crawling into her bed with her.

He was true to his word, baby steps.

But baby steps were only baby steps if they were moving forwards right? And Derek asleep on the couch was definitely not moving forwards, it was backwards or stationary or something! She was used to having him in her bed or his bed at the trailer even in on call room and just because she has finally confessed to her feelings, and allowed Derek in in a way she never thought imaginable it didn't seem right that he wasn't still there.

Obviously it was what he wanted; she didn't put up a challenge so she had agreed and he had taken the couch. She knew it was crazy but she couldn't help but think he was regretting the kiss. Had he realised how much he was taking on, and in a split second changed his mind? Were they going to be stuck in this strange limbo for a long time? What did she have to do to get ready? Because even though he was a matter of metres away directly below her room on the couch, she missed him – really missed him.

She didn't sleep well without him. She hadn't slept for 48 hours and now instead of letting the tiredness win the inner battle, she fought the exhaustion she was just too scared to let sleep take over. And to make matters a 100 times worse the rain hadn't stopped, the wind rattled the window panes and the hammering of the water on the glass almost played out in rhythm with her beating heart – she hated storms.

A huge crash of thunder left her trembling beneath the duvet and the subsequent flash of lightening had her scrambling for the door...

He had kissed her, or she had kissed him – he wasn't entirely sure which one it was. But all that mattered was that they had kissed. And it had felt amazing. He couldn't help but smile as he thought of the moment a few short hours ago when their noses touched and their gaze met before it happened. Her eyes had held so much hope in that instance that it had taken every inch of his self control not to intensify the kiss. But he couldn't. He couldn't over step the mark, and the kiss has been perfect – so loving, so tender – those few short seconds when their lips met and allowed the other to carefully explore had meant more to him than any other moment in his life.

He prayed she didn't regret it.

What was he thinking? He had the chance to be cuddled up next to this amazing, beautiful talented woman, except here he was with a crick in his next on a couch that was definitely too small for him. He had lain awake now for over 3 hours just staring at the ceiling. He needed a CT there had to be something wrong with him. He had even surprised himself when the suggestion had left his lips, and she had agreed, so couch it was.

So yeah, schedule a CT he thought to himself.

A small smile crept over his face as her thought back to their conversation. A conversation he had dreamt would happen but had begun to accept was never going to, especially after her outburst in the cafeteria. When he heard her that day he couldn't believe the ache he felt in his heart.

_I am not sleeping with Derek Shepherd and I won't be, ever, you get that? Derek is not William, no one will ever take his place, is that clear enough for you?_

He felt like he had a knife stabbed into his hear listening to her, the anger in her voice, the pain evident in her voice. And there and then he had made the decision to walk away, to distance himself, he couldn't be around her and hide his feelings, so it had been easier to run – and avoid her even though it hurt like crazy.

But now he was grateful that the avoidance was over, she had rescued him and she knew. He could see it written on her face as he found her gaze in Joe's that she missed him and for the first time he had regained some hope. And now he felt so unbelievably proud of Meredith, he knew how hard opening up had been, but at the same time he was so relieved. She wanted the same things as him; she just wasn't sure how to get there.

And he meant every last word. He would give her all the time in the world, he wouldn't push, he wouldn't put her under any pressure but he would be there for her as much as she needed. However he made a promise to himself not to suffocate her, the last thing he wanted was to make her think she couldn't do this. He didn't want her to fail.

The rain was relentless and the storm outside was growing wilder. The old house Meredith and her friends lived in seemed to shake with each gust of wind and a draft seemed to be whistling around the rooms.

Meredith hated storms, he knew that from early on into their friendship so he couldn't help but wonder if she was ok. The last thing he wanted was for her to be scared and alone.

It wouldn't hurt to check on her? Would it?

An almighty roar of thunder was enough to have every hair on his body stand on end, as he shot up off the coach and headed for the stairs...

Two figures stood facing each other in the shadows of the hallway.

Derek stood on the bottom step looking up the stairs as his gaze fell on Meredith, her body clad in a t shirt that was evidently too big for her (and he couldn't help but smile when he realised it was one of his own!), her hair fell loose around her face and rested on her shoulders, her eyes looked heavy, exhausted yet even in the middle of the night her beauty still shone through, she was beautiful.

Meredith looked down the stairs amazed to see Derek about to begin the climb up them. Her hand now glued to the banister, both frozen as they noticed each other, their eyes locked in the shadows. Her breath caught in the back of her throat as she allowed herself to take in his handsome form. He wore boxer shorts hung low on his waist, the small trail of hair from his belly button disappeared beneath the waist band and his oh so perfect hair looked cute as it darted out in all directions.

'You haven't slept.' Each had the same thought as Derek slowly made his way up stairs, his gaze never leaving Meredith's.

He closed the gap, taking two stairs at a time until they were facing one another once again.

'are you ok?' he whispered as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in close, relieved when she responded immediately and nestled her head into his shoulder as she wrapped her own arms around his back and drew small soothing circles across his bare skin.

'Storm.' He heard her mutter as he ran his fingers though her honey blonde hair and traced the vertebrae of her spine with his finger tips.

'I know I heard.' He soothed as he took a small step away from her and took her face in his hands, sweeping the hair behind her ears as he forced her eyes to meet his once again.

'I know there's a storm, but what I'm asking is if you're ok?' he smiled as she registered what he meant, what he was asking.

'I will be.' She replied as she placed her own hands around the small of his back and closed the gap between them once again. 'I will be if you stay. I don't want to be alone.'

'You will never be alone again Meredith, I meant every last thing I said tonight, baby steps, your pace – I'm just so happy that you're letting me in.'

She smiled as she leant up and pressed her own lips against his, a quick touch, that was over as quick as it had started, but a kiss that said more than any sentence ever would.

He wrapped her into a tight embrace as he walked them both back towards the bedroom, relief washing over both to be so close again. The pair crawled back underneath the covers as another bolt of lightning flashed across the sky and illuminated the room. Meredith lay on her side with her back to Derek for a few moments before she felt his arms caress her side and her hip as he turned into her and spooned into her body. His arm coming over the top and his hand being encased by Meredith's as she pulled in close to her chest. Their fingers entwined as one. He pressed a kiss to the top of her shoulder as he felt her relax in his arms, no longer scared by the storm, his sheer presence acting as an antidote to the fear.

'Derek.' He heard her whisper as she moved slightly further back into his embrace, desperate to feel his contact all over her body. 'Thank you, for everything.'

'There is no reason to be thanking me Meredith; I'm exactly where I want to be.' He replied kissing into the small space between her jaw line and her shoulder, enjoying the feel of the goose bumps that spread across her body as she shivered with pleasure.

'I know but still, thank you' she smiled as she turned around till she was facing him, their faces so close each could feel the others breath on their face. 'Ever since we have spent time together you have given me hope. You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me. That's all I know for now, but I promise you I want this, just as much as you, I want this.' And as their lips met for the final time that evening and their exhausted bodies finally gave into the need for sleep, the pair drifted off knowing that for the first time in a long time there was hope in their futures – they had each other.

_At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away._


	43. Chapter 41 Authors NOTE  NOT A CHAPTER

Hi

Sorry I haven't replied to often on FF I'm still getting used to how the page works and have just about managed to get the chapters up without working out how to do other things!

I would just like to say a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who is reading and commenting on my fics at the moment. Your support is appreciated so much and really gives great motivation to keep writing.

My 2 fics if tonight is my last and I don't want you to be alone are my first attempts at fan fic so the support has really helped keep me motivated.

Just a quick note to say there won't really be many (if any updates (for a week as I have a few trips planned and days away so I hope you can stick around till I am back!

Thanks so much once again

Gemma


	44. Chapter 41 New History

Chapter 41 New History

As the night-time darkness and shadows disappeared and the morning light flooded in through the window in Meredith's room, neither of the sleeping bodies stirred. They remained wrapped round one another, her head tucked in between his jaw and his chest, and one arm wrapped around him, his own head resting precariously on top of hers as his arms engulfed her sleeping frame. They hadn't moved all night long, they had remained in their safe cocoon, together.

For the first time in over 48 hours each of them had fallen asleep, relaxed and happy to be back in the familiar place they felt at ease – the arms of one another.

Downstairs two more familiar figures sat brooding over coffee in the kitchen.

'I'm telling you Shepherds here.' Alex said as he sat facing Cristina, his head in his hands nursing a tequila hangover.

'What makes you so sure?' Cristina asked as she poured herself another cup of coffee, desperate for the caffeine hit to kick in, she hated tequila, yet Mer had needed tequila buddies and of course, they had stepped up.

'I was up early, went for a run to try and clear this José head I seem to have attached to my own and when I came to make a drink there were two coffee cups in the sink,' he pointed out.

'That doesn't prove anything, I could have got up in the night and had a drink, and so could Mer.'

'Did you?'

'Did I what?'

'Get up in the middle of the night and have a drink?'

'Well no...But...I should have done, it might have helped this cloud that's fogging my brain!'

'No buts OK for once I'm right, man I wish we had bet on this.'

'You don't know you are right, I could walk into Mer's room right now and she could be alone.'

'Or you could walk in on her and Shepherd asleep – we could make this interesting, a wager between friends, Mer would never need to no!'

'Ass...No!' she squealed as she placed her head into her hands, alarmed at her own high pitch shriek vibrating down her ear drums.

'Because you know I'm right!'

'Even if you were right, what would it matter, they have been joined at the hip the past couple of months and he is always here anyway.'

'But Joes, the eye sex across the bar...the saving him from the silicone explosion.'

'Alex I would have even saved your ass if you had to endure the torture of the trailer trash Barbies...I might have had you wait a bit longer, but I'd have still saved your ass. It's what friends do. Mer and Derek are friends. You and I are friends.'

'Firstly who says I would have wanted rescuing... and secondly you heard Mer last night, she changed her tune when I pointed out a few home truths to her, for the first time in such a long time there was a look in her eye that she would consider it, she would consider taking a risk with Derek, I think she took that risk and if she did then it's the bravest thing she has done in a long time. She admitted her feelings last night, to herself, if not Derek...'

'That still doesn't prove he is here!'

'It would be more surprising if he wasn't...'

Cristina wasn't sure how to respond to that, Alex was right. It would be surprising if he wasn't here, he was here a lot, in fact the couple of days he wasn't here the house had seemed different, Meredith had been different, there was no sparkle in her eye, and she had lost some of her get up and go...she had missed him.

So really the only reason for him not to be here now was if last night had gone terribly, if meredith had ran, or decided she couldn't do it...or if she had done it, if she had worn her heart on her sleeve and he didn't respond, if he had said he couldn't wait...she made a promise to herself to personally track him down with a scalpel if he had done anything to upset her...and then feed him his testicles on a plate...

'What are you smirking at?'

'Testicles; she laughed as she stood up from the table and poured two coffees and headed for the door.

'Whoa where are you going?'

'To settle this once and for all. Two coffees. If he is in there then I will say ones for each of them...if he isn't then one each for Meredith and I and we will plan an attack to get those balls.' She cackled as she headed upstairs.

Alex winced and found himself praying for Derek's safety that he was up there. The anticipation was too much so he ran after Cristina and by the time she reached the top step he had caught her up.

'You can't just barge in there, it would be weird, and you have no reason to? I mean what if it went really well and they are...I don't want to see Mer naked.'

'When did you become the voice of reason...sensitive advice last night. You don't want to see Mer's ass but what Derek's is ok? Are you gay?' she spat as she winked at Alex.

'I know a way I can prove that I'm not.' He shot back with as much flirtation as he dared raise in front of cristina...he didn't want his own balls on a plate...

'well I did always want to dissect a wiener...'

'Then you'd be looking in the wrong place. You're just scared you might enjoy it..' he laughed as he left Cristina in the hall way staring at Meredith's door, her own cheeks now flushed from the sheer stupidity of his suggestion...it was stupid...right...

'Man I need to get laid...and not by karev...Cristina Yang you do not want to be laid by Alex Karev...you just need to be laid, period!

Suddenly the door burst open and Cristina jumped as she came face to face with a half naked Derek.

'Did you just say you don't want to be laid by Karev' he laughed as he took in the confused look on her face.

'What...you heard...crap...'

'I always wondered about you two.' Meredith joked from the bed, wrapped in the duvet.

'Wondered what? I have never and will never let his penis anywhere near me, not unless he wants to be eating it out of a hot dog bun... what were you two doing anyway listening in on other peoples conversations?'

'You weren't exactly quiet, we have been laid here a good few minutes listening to the show...It was better than Jerry, Oprah...' Meredith smiled as she took in her friends' mood.

'What I came up here to say...or do...was to give you coffee. I figured you might need them especially as the tequila fairy was more than present last night 'she smiled at Mer 'and as for you, I'm assuming you numbed the pain of tweedle dumb and tweedle dee with alcohol...so coffee, you definitely need coffee..' she sighed as she handed over the two cups in her hands as she sulked back out of the room.

Alex was right, 100% right...about Meredith and Derek...nothing else.

'That was odd' Derek sighed as he sat himself back down on the bed next to Meredith, his back resting on the head board.

'Yeah...it was.' Meredith replied as she held out her own coffee to Derek so she could sit up and not spill any.

'Good morning...again.' she smiled as she placed a small, delicate kiss to his cheek before allowing her senses to be overrun by the aroma the coffee was revealing.

'Good morning.' he whispered as he placed his own coffee on the side and turned his body slightly to face Meredith's, his head rested on his left hand as his right hand laced fingers with hers. 'How did you sleep?'

'Before or after you got in?' she smiled before continuing 'perfectly, best few hours...thank you.'

'For what?'

'Being more than a pillow' she laughed as he took her coffee out of her free hand and placed it to join his on the side before running his free hand through her hair, along her cheek, and running his thumb along her bottom lip, his eyes focused on the one place his lips desperately wanted to go.

'I can be anything you want me to be.' He smiled as he leant forwards and exchanged his thumb for his lips, softly caressing her lower lip between his own, sucking softly on her pout, her own mouth opening slightly encouraging him to deepen the meeting of their lips, once again a meeting half way of two lost souls who had found each other.

Meredith moaned as Derek ran his fingers along her side and pulled her closer to him, the electricity radiating through their bodies with every touch, their lips never losing contact as her t shirt clad breasts came to rest on his chest, their hips meeting together, as her legs entangled with his, his arousal evident to Meredith as he grew harder nestled into her thigh. Their tongues exploring each others, her own tongue battling with his for an escape as she began to press small kisses along his jaw and down his neck before showering his collar bone in beautiful little kisses, a move that had Derek moaning like no kiss had ever before.

'We have to stop' he whispered as Meredith ran her fingers through his dark mane, before placing a small kiss to his forehead. 'We have to stop if this is going to work, we said slowly, and that's exactly what we will do. I have too much respect for you to rush this.'

'Thank you' she whispered as she nestled herself into the crook of his arm, her fingers tracing the hair that covered his chest. 'Thank you for not pushing, and for reminding me to keep my feet on the ground. Slow is good, slow is us...'

'and at some point soon in the future, slow will be incredible...' he smiled as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her even closer, his own heart beat feeling like it was echoing around the room.

_Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It's hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us… what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we're making today_


	45. Chapter 42 stop

Chapter 42 STOP

Meredith couldn't put her finger on the moment when things began to feel different, when she realised her feelings for Derek were more than those of a friend, but what she did know was she had probably been in denial for a pretty long time.

The rest of the week passed in a blur for Meredith, things continued pretty much the same as they had before, she stayed at the trailer with Derek, or he stayed at the house with her, except instead of the platonic cuddles and hugs...there was kissing – lots of kissing and it felt amazing.

Derek Christopher Shepherd was one hell of a kisser.

The last few days Meredith had begun to realise (or accept) that spending time with someone who wasn't her husband was ok, Derek made it ok. He didn't pretend to be anyone else other than himself, he didn't try to fill Williams's shoes, he did things his way, or not at all, and Meredith was so grateful for that fact.

He had hardly asked her any questions, he knew why William had died and the story leading up to it, but he hadn't pried much beyond that, he respected her privacy and he recognised if and when things needed to be discussed then they would be. But the big things was, when they did talk he did something that no one else let her do. He let her talk, really talk, he didn't interrupt her, he let her go, at her speed, her pace, and reveal what she felt comfortable with.

They were slowly becoming a force to be reckoned with, not just with the kissing, in fact she was pretty sure that they must be breaking some kind of kissing record the amount of times their lips locked in a day...but as a surgical team too they were pretty dam formidable. The clinical trial was closer to getting off the ground, the pair had spent hours working on a virus cocktail that was hoped would treat the kind of tumours Mr. Robinson had, and they also had 5 more patients eagerly awaiting acceptance to the trail if this proved to be a success, or if it didn't, all prepared to help them make progress with something that was a ticking time bomb in their heads anyway.

Meredith couldn't help but feel slightly bittersweet about the trial though, as exciting as it was that they could be close to changing the face of neuro medicine forever, it was incomprehensible to think that people could possibly die in order for this to one day be a success. How many people would lose their lives to make this a possibility? How many families would lose loved ones? Why did she feel like a serial killer waiting to strike?

'It will all be worth it in the long run you know?' Derek's voice broke her from her thoughts as she continued to stare out of the window in his office, a position she had remained in for almost half an hour.

'Sorry, what?'

'the trial, I know it seems unfathomable to think we have to probably kill people to find a cure, but you can't look at it like that, and I know you are. The people agreeing to this trial are on their last chance of a hope, the trial is a possible door to a future for them, there is nothing else that can help them, and there won't be again in their life span - it's too late. They are prepared to give up their last days in the hope of a future – if not for themselves then for someone else.'

How did he seem to know exactly what she was thinking, he really was a hot shot neuro surgeon – he could even read minds. She thought to herself as she allowed her eyes to meet his across the desk

'How did you know?' she sighed

'You carry your heart on your sleeve Meredith and your thoughts on your face. And the sitting in silence and staring into space also helps to clarify that you are worried about this. The people who agree to this trail are brave, and they want this. They come to us, not the other way round. Don't ever lose sight of the finish line Meredith, they day we get this right...and we will, we will get this right.' He smiled as he stood up from his chair and moved to stand behind her in the chair she currently occupied on the opposite side of his desk, he cupped her shoulders in the palm of his hands and began to massage her scrub clad body, the stress and tension evident as he kneaded over knots and worry collecting across her shoulders and upper back. His fingers and thumb caressing her skin as he worked on relaxing her and refocusing her on the task at hand – the first surgery – Mr Robinson.

'What about Mr Robinson, he didn't come to us prepared to risk his life to help others?' She pointed out as she felt her body began to relax as his fingers worked wonders over her shoulders, the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end to feel him so close to her once again.

'Mr Robinson didn't know anything of his condition when he arrived Meredith, you worked that out and you gave him an opportunity of a future, if this works he gets a life time, if it doesn't, it's heart breaking but we have to be strong, but we have to remember it would have been a matter of days, maybe weeks for him – that's all, whatever happens with Mr Robinson we will learn so much. He deserves a chance of a future...everyone does. But by finding this and trying to treat it, we are also giving his family a chance to say good bye, they wouldn't have had that if it had remained untreated, one day they would have woke up and he would just have gone, no warning, no nothing, you are giving them all a chance to deal with this, prepare for this and tell each other they love one another...' He continued as he ran his thumbs in small circular movements down her neck and along each shoulder blade nervous at how close to Meredith's situation this whole trial actually was.

'I know this is going to be hard to deal with, and if you think it is going to be too much then please just say so now, I'd hate for you to get too emotionally involved in this. If you want me to do the surgery, deal with the fall out I can, it's up to you?

'So you can steal my glory? I don't think so Shepherd.' She laughed before beginning again, this time with a different tone to her voice, one he wasn't sure he had heard before.

'Besides your here and I can do anything with you by my side, you make everything seem like a possibility. You have opened my eyes to so much and I know you will bring greatness to this trial. I can't promise it won't get to much as we have no idea how far this is going to go, how many deaths, how many false hopes, but what I can promise is to let you in, when ever if gets too much, whenever I need some space to walk away from the trial I will let you, that I can definitely promise.' She half smiled as she leant forwards and rested her head on the desk and melted into his hands as they worked lower and manipulated her muscles at the base of her spine.

'Mmmmm you never mentioned you were good with your hands.' She murmured as she felt herself physically loosen beneath his hands 'this is amazing.'

'Famous brain surgeon...The clues in the title.' He smirked as his hands dared to dart to the bottom of her scrub shirt and begin to lift it slowly up, 'you know it's nowhere near as good with this on,' he whispered as he traced her pale pink skin with his finger tips and he smiled as he felt her shiver at his touch.

'You know you really shouldn't do that here...' Meredith said as she sat herself up with a start

'Oh Mer...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have over stepped the mark, I'm sorry.' He said as he jumped back away from her and ran his hands through his dark lock; ashamed of himself for pushing his luck one step too far as he took a step towards the door, eager to make an exit as the room seemed to be closing in on him.

'Derek?' he heard from behind as his hand rested on the door handle, but he chose to ignore her, he couldn't look at her, not after that. Slow, they had definitely said slow.

'Derek Shepherd stop.' She called crossing the room and placing her hand on his shoulder, upset to feel him flinch at her touch.

He hung his head to his chest and felt frozen to the spot as he heard her again.

'Look at me.'

'I can't...We said slow, and I tried to...Oh God I'm sorry.' He sobbed, too ashamed to allow his eyes to meet hers as he remained with his back to her.

'I said look at me.' She repeated again, this time leaning forwards and reaching her hand into his as she tugged on his arm to get him to turn.

Derek stared at her tiny little hand in his, at how perfect it felt when their palms met and their fingers entwined as one. He took a deep breath before he allowed himself to respond and began to turn, his eyes still placed firmly on the floor.

'Look at me.' She whispered again and tightened the grip on his hand 'please.'

He had to fix this, she was trying, he had to do, and he owed it to her, to them. As he lifted his head his breath caught in the back of his throat at the sight before him.

She was smiling.

The tears pricked the back of his eyes as he felt them escape over his own cheeks as he took a step forward toward her.

'I shouldn't have suggested that I...I had no right to...if you want to end this I understand, just tell me please.'

'Derek, what I was about to say before you jumped to all kinds of conclusions was...' she smiled as her hands rested on the bottom of her scrub shirt and slowly lifted it up and over her head, revealing her soft, pink stomach, and pert breasts covered by a lace black bra.

Derek looked on confused, but allowed his eyes to take in every inch of her as the scrub top made its way to the floor, his heart rate racing,

'What I was about to say was.' She repeated again as she closed the gap between them as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed a small, gentle kiss to each of his cheeks to dry his tears, 'was that the desk isn't a good place for a massage, and the couch would be much, much better' she smiled as she removed her arms from his neck, took his hand and led him to the couch.

'You mean?'

'Yes Derek...I know what you thought, but you were wrong. You didn't over step any mark.' She soothed as she lent up and pressed her lips to his, a quick peck that felt so natural to the pair these days. 'now where we?' she asked as she lay herself out on the couch, her head resting on her hands, a small smile falling over her face as his hands made contact with her skin again, and the now familiar shivers spread down her body.

'Stupid bran man' she whispered as her body relaxed under his touch, and his own fears disappeared with every touch.


	46. Chapter 43 roulette

Hya everyone im so sorry that you have had to wait so long for an update! I was away at an amazing festival all weekend and then at a friends and yesterday I was still recovering and only managed to get my other story updated! so the minute I woke up today I made sure i got going with this one!

on a side note from my story this weekend I got to see some amazing bands perfom live Kings of Leon and Florence and the Machine being the two highlights and if any one ever gets the chance to see florence perfom live then grab it with both hands as it was the best performance i have ever seen live EVER! amazing!

this chapter lets us no a bit more about mer is feelign about the clinical trial, i wasnt goign to include this after the last chapter but after having a break from writing from over a week i felt i needed to to get back into the characters heads so i hope you dont feel like im repeating myself or anything!

thank you so much for the bumps and amazing comments that make me smile so much and are really the best medicine to help with the writing

thank you to every single one of you

gem xxxx

**Chapter 43 roulette**

Meredith was scared but she couldn't admit that to anyone but herself, not anymore, because Derek knew how apprehensive she was, the first sign of weakness and she would be wrapped in cotton wool and pulled from this trial in an instant. And she couldn't be pulled from this; this was her idea, her research, her success...or failure... That was all she could think as she walked the halls of Seattle Grace and headed for Derek's office away from the research lab, a place that had become more or less her place of rest the last couple of days.

Whenever she had a spare five minutes, or her shift ended, or Derek wasn't around to share lunch with then she headed back there, desperate to keep working on the trial that could possibly make...or break her!

It was becoming a joke with Alex and Cristina that hide and seek was pretty boring if you always knew the hiding place. Every time they looked for her she was always sat in the same place, hunched over the books, staring at the computer screen or writing at speed – desperate not to miss a thing, interns were scared to interrupt her, other people tended to get their books and flee the room, Meredith had the lab taken over.

Even Derek left her too it if he knew she was in the room. To an outsider looking in they would assume that the sight of Meredith working meticulously on the trial was a demonstration of a doctor determined to succeed, to change the face of medicine once and for all, to ensure their wasn't a stone left unturned so that every consequence or set back was accounted for. Of course, they wouldn't be wrong, that's exactly what Meredith was doing however her closest friends knew different, that there was more. The sight of her working hour after hour, day after day had not only to do making medical history but also to do with the fact that real lives were at stake. Families could have their dreams made or shattered in an instant, their futures were in her hands, and she could technically shape what they were to become – good or bad. The fact that the trail itself was new, the virus cocktail untested on humans, no prior results to work on scared the living day lights out of Meredith. The fact that people could die at a result of her actions petrified her, and her friends soon realised that the extra research and preliminary tests were more about Meredith getting ready than the actual patients.

They were close now to beginning the clinical trial she had accepted that, Mr Robinson was stable enough for surgery and Derek was more than ready for this to begin, he was impressed with the effort and extensive research she had put into this that he owed it to her to give this his best shot, to give her the time she needed to be ready too, but they were running out of time.

He had started mentioning moving the trial along a couple of days earlier. Over dinner on the picnic blanket at the trailer he had brought up about the need to start the trial, sooner rather than later, Mr Robinson needed the operation before the tumour became too big that the treatment they were working on became redundant.

She had stalled at first, insisted that there was just a few more things she needed to look up, other forms she needed finalising from the board – and he had picked up on her nerves, but he had had to push, just a little, the trial needed to get underway, they had to know what they were dealing with, if the cocktail was a success, if they could actually make this work.  
So tomorrow would be the day – they would take the life of someone in their hands and literally play Russian roulette with it.

Live or die.

Live or die

Live or

Die.

She had been relieved when she had found Derek and he had told her he was done for the day so they could get out of there, he had offered the trailer for the evening but the thought of a forty minute drive out to the Island wasn't really appealing so they had decided upon the house instead, it meant they could have a little longer in bed in the morning too before the trial began.

Except now as she lay in bed, it was the last place she wanted to be.

Derek had fallen asleep what felt like hours ago, his arm gently resting over her stomach, his other tucked firmly under the pillow, his deep breathing filling the room yet she still lay with her eyes fixed firmly on the ceiling, her head a wash with worry for what lay ahead.

She turned her head slightly and allowed her gaze to fall on her wedding photograph that remained on the bedside table next to her. She hadn't really thought about how Derek must feel with that there, was it insensitive? Did he hate the fact it was there? She should really ask him, she didn't want him feeling inferior to anyone, he didn't deserve that.

Mr Robinson had married his rebound girl, would she keep their wedding photograph next to her bed if the trial wasn't a success? Would she forever think of him in the same way she did William, would she regret agreeing to the trial? Would she blame Meredith? Would she be a murderer?

She felt her heart rate begin to quicken in her chest, her heart pounding off her rib cage as the anxiety and fear swept over her body. The room seemed to be closing in on her, suffocating her as the thought of what they were about to do took hold.

Her chest felt tight as the palpitations ripped through her body and the lump that had formed in her throat made it increasingly hard to breathe, she fought into a sitting position as she battled for oxygen as her lungs began to burn deep inside her chest.

'Der..De..' she gasped as the violent shakes took hold of her and prevented her from letting the words escape. Her head felt dizzy and the room was spinning as the fear of losing control took tight grip of her.

She struggled for breath as her chest began to wheeze with the desperate need for more oxygen and the room seemed to encroach on her space once again.

'I can't...De..Der...' she tried again to expel the words to rouse his from his slumber but the tightness in her chest grew as the space around her spun some more.

The sweat was pouring down her face now, the pearls that had collated on her brow line and upper lip had long given into the need to escape, her face was moist with more as her whole body began to frantically shake, the starvation of oxygen becoming too much.

The convulsions' that took over her body were frantic, her whole body began to jerk and jab in ways that shouldn't be seen, her eyes bulged in her head as she battled for any oxygen that she could steal from the suffocating room.

'Derek...' she managed to expel as the next jerk all but threw her from the bed and deposited her on the floor with a thud as her breathing became shallow and more urgent.

The darkness in the room seemed to intensify as she desperately tried to gulp oxygen in; the pulsating of her heart now reverberating in her throat making it seem like no particle of air, no matter how small could penetrate into her lungs.

Her head was spinning as the room seemed to move around her at an alarming speed of knots, she didn't want to be a murderer, she couldn't inflict the same pain she had gone through on other people, and she didn't want anyone to die...

'sssshhh I got you, I got you' a sudden soothing voice appeared next to her, his hand snaked around her back and began drawing circles with his palm in an effort to control the violent spasms that were taking over her body.

'Der..Derek...'

'I'm here, sssshhh, don't talk, look at me I need you to look at me.' He pleaded, his own heart breaking at the sight of her broken form on the floor.

'I can..t..I just can't...' she sobbed as she thrashed around at the neck of her t shirt, pulling it away from her skin in a desperate attempt to stop the suffocation.

Instinctively Derek grabbed for the t shirt and pulled it up over Meredith's head to free her from the anxiety that the t-shirt was creating. Her naivety and vulnerability on show as her naked chest felt the force of the cool air in the room. He grabbed her face between his two palms and forced her to look at him.  
'Look at me, please, look at my eyes Meredith, let me see yours. Breathe, slow deep breaths you can do it, look at me.' He instructed calmly as he allowed one of his hands to smooth over the top of her head, amazed at how damp her hair felt, his other hand not letting go of her cheek as he battled to keep her attention focused on him.

'Breath with me Meredith...slow...in...And out...in...and out...' he felt relief when her hand reached up and grabbed the hand that had been resting on her head moments ago, her fingers entwined with his at once as her grip tightened and she struggled again to force the oxygen in.

'That's it, keep looking at me, you can do this, slow deep breaths, it's ok, it's ok.'

'I don't want...to...'

'Sssshhh please Meredith you need to save your energy, you're ok, you're ok.' He whispered as her body began to relax as he pulled her closer to him and her head fell to rest on his shoulder. His own hand now resting just below her breast, neither of them reacting to the fact that this was the nearest thing to naked either of them had shared...it didn't matter, none of that mattered all that mattered was she was breathing, she was ok...she would be ok.

The pair sat on the bedroom floor for what felt like hours as Derek soothed her back and promised her many many times that everything would be ok, he didn't press for what had caused the attack, he didn't ask questions, he gave her the space she needed as her heart rate slowly became more stable and the violent shaking that had taken over her body subsided – the whole time her grip of his hand never wavering.

She needed him.

'Sorry.' She whispered as the relief that the attack had slowed swept over her body.

'Hey you have nothing to be sorry for.' He promised as he allowed his lips to brush the top of her head, and pulled her in closer to the side of his body. He felt the shiver run across her skin as the cool night air danced over her naked upper body and without hesitation reached up to pull the throw that lay across the bed away from its usual home and wrapped it around Meredith's shoulders, protecting her modesty from the darkness.

'I..I don't want to be a murderer.' She said softly as she felt his arms reach down under her petite frame and scoop her up and carry her back to the bed. 'I don't want to be responsible for killing these people, for running their families futures.' She sobbed as she curled up into a ball and pulled the throw around her. Derek lay behind her, his hands stroking along her back in an attempt to calm her once again.

'you won't be Meredith, this won't be on you, if this is too much, please just say it, this is an impossible situation for you and no one would think any less of you if you want to walk away.'

'I can't walk away, I just can't' she whispered as she turned around to face him now in the bed.

'I know that this will be hard for you, that at times you are going to want to run, but please, I'm begging you, don't run away from me.' He pleaded as he leaned forwards and pressed his lips against hers, relieved to feel her return the gesture as she allowed her hands to run through his beautiful dark locks and pulled his head closer to hers to allow her to deepen the kiss.

'I don't want to run.' She smiled as she allowed her gaze to meet his, the electricity evident as the sky and the ocean met once again.

'You have worked so hard to get this trial to a place where we might actually be able to save lives. You are giving these people a chance of a future you can't forget that, ever. I can't promise you we won't lose any patients, I don't have the ability to see into the future, but what I can promise is that for everyone we lose it will bring us one step closer to getting this right, and I know that if we lose a patient it will hurt like hell, but in the long run think of the hundreds of people we will save. Think of the families who will be able to look forward to the future instead of living each day in fear of it being their last.'

'I know you're right, it's just hard.' She said as she buried her head into his chest and felt relief sweep across her body as he engulfed her into his arms and held her close.

'I can work on this myself, I mean it at any point you can walk away from this.'

'I don't want to walk away, I just need this to work, I need these people to be ok' she sighed as the nights events began to take its toll on her exhausted body and her eyes began to close.

Derek remained awake, listening to the sound of her breathing, scared to fall asleep in case he woke to her in the throws of another panic attack. He didn't want her getting emotionally attached to the patients; he didn't want her getting her hopes up. If anything he expected failure the first time, maybe the second too, there was no way they could get this right straight away with something so risky. It was highly likely they were going to lose Mr Robinson tomorrow and that scared the hell out of him. But he couldn't tell Meredith that, he had to be strong and determined to get this right, he owed it to her. If the virus cocktail didn't work then he would work on it every moment he got to get it right, to change the dose, to master this.

She really had found a way to save lives he just had to prove it.

_Great surgeons aren't made. They're born. It takes gestation, incubation, sacrifice. A lot of sacrifice. But after all the blood and guts and gooey stuff is washed away, that surgeon you become: totally worth it._

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH ONCE AGAIN

COMMENTS PLEASE XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


	47. Chapter 44 divorce

Hi woo it felt so good to be back and getting comments again thank u all so so much!

this is a quick short update but one that really needed to be included so i hope you enjoy

**Chapter 44 divorce**

Derek sat in his office the next morning contemplating what lay ahead of him later that day. Mr Robinson was stable enough for surgery, his CBC and Liver enzyme scores had improved and hadn't fluctuated over night which was better than expected, but he had to remember better didn't mean good. The next 12 hours or so were new territory for himself, and for meredith and their surgical team, no one had any idea if the surgery would work, if there would be complications that they hadn't accounted for, even if the virus cocktail was the right elixir to even make a difference to the tumour that was unreachable and incurable any other way.

He couldn't be emotionally involved in this, and he couldn't allow Meredith to be either, neither of them could afford to get their hopes up. He had to keep his emotions in check, he had to disengage himself from the enormity of this situation – he had to do it for Meredith. She wasn't strong enough to deal with this on her own, he had to be her rock and keep his own feet firmly on the ground.

Witnessing Last night's panic attack had broke his heart, she was so vulnerable and so fragile that he was seriously beginning to have doubts if she should be allowed to participate in the rest of the trial. He didn't want to ban her from the OR or let the chief get a whiff of her mental state where the trial was concerned, but he didn't want to add more to her already broken heart. But this was her baby, her trial, her idea. If this worked she would gain so much recognition whilst still only a resident, he couldn't steal her glory, her success. If this trial proved fruitful today or sometime soon then Meredith Worthington would go down in medical history. Besides if she was in the OR alongside of him then at least he could keep his eye on her, she would remain on his service, his post ops, his everything...so he couldn't afford to make her walk away.

He had long accepted the fact that there was an incredibly high chance that Mr Robinson would die later that day, whoever heard of a clinical trial working first time, it was unheard of, to take a test previously performed on lab rats and expect it to work instantly on people was unrealistic. He had to remind himself he wasn't a murderer, he wasn't handing down the death row sentence, the tumour was taking control of Mr Robinsons brain at an alarming rate, without the surgery he had 6 weeks tops to live, 6 weeks that would see him confined to a bed, his organs slowly failing, his bodily functions losing all sense of belong to him, essentially regressing before everyone's eyes, and what sort of life was that, no, it was better to try then simply do nothing at all, he had to try. He owed to Mr Robinson and the hundreds of other people across the world that were diagnosed with inoperable tumours, people who are sent home to say good bye to their loved ones and told to light the blue touch paper...if they lost 1 patient, 2 patients, hell even 5 patients before they got it right then each time they would be that little step closer to making it work, to saving lives, to stop epeople been handed down death sentences...there was a cure, meredith had found it, he just had to get the cocktail exactly right.

He had too.

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door, Meredith didn't knock and he wasn't expecting anyone.

'Come in.' he called as he turned his chair back to face the door.

'Are you busy?' the familiar red head asked from the door as she peered in and saw her soon to be ex husband staring back at her from his desk.

'I am actually, I have to potentially kill a man today just to give me an insight into my next steps, so yes I'm busy, busy dealing with my conscience so the last thing I need is you in here causing trouble.' He snapped as he picked up a pen from the desk and began to frantically scribble on the paper in front of him.

'I know I'm the last person you will want to see but there is something I need to say, to do...'

'Not now Addison, please, just not now.' He responded without taking his eyes off the paper work in front of him. 'You could have come to say or do anything, any other day, but please not today.'

'I couldn't have come any other day because I haven't been here, nice to seE my absence was noted.' She huffed as she sat herself down on the couch and placed her feet up on the small coffee table that resided in the room.

'What are you doing I asked you to leave?' he snapped as he noticed her presence remained in the room.

'You want to hear this.' She smiled in a tone that was new for Addison; it was free, natural, different.

'Unless you are here to tell me that you have stopped been a tight fisted money grabbing witch and you're ready to sign the papers then I really don't want to hear it.' He shouted as he stood up and threw both of his hands down on the table.

'I'm afraid I can't do that.'

'Then get out before I have you escorted out.' He screamed, his face getting angrier, the veins on his neck pulsating as he shouted.

'I can't tell you that I'm ready to sign the papers Derek because I no longer have them.'

'What? I don't believe this, I'm ringing John now and having him draw up another set and having them faxed straight to you.'

'There is no need, John wouldn't do it.' She sighed as she sat up slightly and rested her elbows on her knees and cupped her face. 'John wouldn't do it Derek because he has the papers, I sent them to him yesterday, I signed Derek, uncontested, I'm taking nothing that doesn't belong to me, and it's the best for everyone.'

'You signed?' he gasped as the enormity of what he was hearing finally hit him and he felt himself stumble back into his chair.

'I hurt you Derek, and I will regret my actions for the rest of my life, you didn't deserve any of the pain or suffering I put you threw, I won't stand in your way of your dreams here, I'll take the apartment like we always said but the brownstone, the Hamptons it's all yours, everything you wanted is yours.'

'I don't understand, what happened to change your mind?' he whispered

'I got away for a few days, went down to LA to visit Naomi and Sam to clear my head, there is nothing for me here, no one even knew I was gone, no one missed me...I've made myself an alien in this city, all my own doing, but I'm done now' she half smiled as she stood from the couch and took a few steps towards Derek's desk. 'I think the final thing I'm giving you will make you happier than any of the other items on the divorce,' she smiled as she grew closer to the desk before placing a small white envelope in front of him. 'this is my plane ticket back to LA, one way, I'm giving you Seattle Derek, and the hope of a future with the women you so clearly love and adore, I won't be here to get in your way, I'm not blind, I see the way you look at her, you never looked at me once they way you look at meredith, and that's ok, it's ok, because what's meant to be will be...and LA is nice, its different, but its more me then this rainy town that's for sure.'

'I don't know what to say.'

'you might want to ring John because in the next 24 hours we will no longer be man and wife, so you might want to get your hands on the papers just so you know that all this is real.;

'Addi...Thank you...all i can say is thank you.'

'I never meant to hurt you Derek; I'm sorry, good luck...with everything.' She whispered as he noticed a small tear escape down her cheek.

'Eleven years Addison, they weren't all bad.' He smiled as he moved out from behind the desk and wrapped his arms around his soon to be ex wife. 'thank you for doing this, thank you.' He whispered as he allowed himself to comfort her, his arms remaining still on her back, just giving her the familiar feeling of his body close to hers was all she needed, was all he could offer.

'When do you leave?' he asked as he felt Addison begin to pull away from his grasp and compose herself once again.

'Three days, in three days time Addison Montgomery starts a new life, a new home, a new job...new.' she smiled as she began to walk back towards the door. 'Good luck Derek, with everything.'

Derek sat himself back down in the chair, amazed at what had just happened.  
He was divorced, or he would be in the next few days at least. It was finally happening.


	48. Chapter 45 it begins

**Chapter 45 it begins**

Meredith couldn't explain the feeling she had that morning when she woke up after the panic attack, it wasn't so much fear any more, Derek had calmed her down last night and not for the first time since she had met him she was grateful for having him in her life. He really was one of the good ones, like William he looked out for her, he cared about her and made sure that she was ok, she couldn't believe that she was lucky enough to meet two amazing men in her life time, and as much as she missed William every single day, she knew that Derek was exactly the kind of man William would be happy with her moving on with, she laughed to herself as she made her way down the corridor towards Derek's office. She could picture William interviewing Derek, or anyone really to see if they were good enough for her, and she knew that William would have picked him out, if he had had a chance.

He was perfect for her, and with him by her side she knew that she could brave the enormity of the trial, he would never hurt her, and if things were devastating for a while where the trial was concerned, she knew with his support she could get through it, with him she could get through anything. As painful and life changing as losing William was she had come through it, and even though there were days when the sheer fact she couldn't talk to him broke her heart with amazing people in her life like Derek, Alex and Cristina she could survive.

She could survive the trial...because they day they got it right, and changed the face of medicine and gave people a future they never thought that they would have would be all worthwhile. Wives would have their husbands till they were grey and old, husbands would have their wives to hold for as long as they could imagine, and children would have their parents, grandparents, friends forever... she wasn't a murderer, she was going to save lives...she really was!

As she turned the corner and Derek's office came into view she stopped still in her tracks as she was confronted with a view that knocked the wind out of her sails, she felt as if her whole body was being crushed as someone reached into her chest and began to squeeze her heart...

'No...' she managed to whisper to herself as her gaze fell on Derek embracing Addison in his office as the first tear began to fall down her cheek. Her head was spinning as she watched the pair, her feet rooted to the spot refusing to move as much as her heart was screaming at her brain to allow her too!

They were getting divorced, or trying to, he had promised her his marriage was over, he knew how delicate, how fragile she was, he had promised her so much...how could he?

'Meredith?' a familiar voice called from a few metres away. She recognised the sound but the tears were clouding her eyes now and she didn't look up to put a face to the voice.

'Meredith.' The voice repeated again as a hand suddenly touched her and made her jump. 'Are you ok?'

As she looked up she was astounded to see the voice belonged to the women who had just helped to reshatter her heart into a thousand pieces.

'Don't touch me.' She heard herself growl as she pulled her arm away from her grasp 'don't ever touch me.'

'Meredith please what's wrong? You look like you just saw a ghost?'

'Not a ghost no, but the man I thought I could trust betray me after everything...'

'What? Derek? No, you don't understand...'

'I understand perfectly, I'm a mug, I should have known better then to believe things could possibly be ok.' She sobbed as her eyes fell on a guilt Derek, his head in his hands at his desk. 'I should have known he would come running back to you, my crap is obviously too much.'

'Meredith no one has gone running back to anyone I promise you that. I went to Derek today to give him some news that would make his day, his week, probably even his year.'

'I don't understand.' Meredith whispered as she wiped the tears that were streaming down her cheeks away.

'I went to Derek to tell him that it's highly likely in the next twenty four hours we will be divorced...'

'You...you...you signed?' she sobbed as she allowed herself to look up at Addison.

'Yes Meredith I signed, I have no hold over Derek, I don't think I ever did, It took me long enough to realise that it was time to let him go...but...it was time.' She sighed as Meredith realised she was speaking from the heart. 'The way he looks at you, the way his whole persona alters when he is around you is like nothing I have ever seen before. I never had that with him, I doubt I will ever have it with anyone...you're lucky Meredith, he is wonderful.'

'But...the holding...hugging..?'

'Just a soon to be ex husband and wife taking stock of the fact that after eleven years of marriage things are finally over. We were friends once; it was just to note that for a while back there it wasn't all bad.' Addison smiled.

'You chose to ruin it, not him, you broke him...'

'I know it was me, and I will spend the rest of my life regretting my actions, but believe it or not I do have a heart, and I'm not about to stand in the way of a future for the pair of you.'

'I'm sorry for assuming...it was just...'

'I can understand, I know what it must have looked like, but I promise you it was a goodbye hug, nothing more, I leave in three days...so it's goodbye.' She stuttered as she finished her final sentence and Meredith could recognise that despite her Satan like exterior she did in fact have a heart, and regardless of whose fault it was she was hurting too.

'Go see him, he needs you.'

'Thank you Addison...for doing this...thank you.'

'Good luck Meredith, with everything...' she said as she walked off...and left Meredith to her future...

Meredith took a deep breath and walked towards Derek's office, a slight knock on the door alerted him to her presence.

'You don't knock.' He smiled as he looked up, before his grin turned to fear as he saw the visible signs of tears in her eyes.

'Oh Mer, I know the trial is tough and I meant it when I said I can do this, today I can do this without you if you want a break from it.'

'It's not the trial.' She whispered as she took a step into the office, as Derek too rose from his desk and closed the gap between them. 'It was just I came around the corner...and saw...I just wasn't expecting to see...'

'Addison...' he whispered as he realised what she must have witnessed.

'Yeah...and I thought, I was scared, I thought everything you had said was a lie.' She sobbed as he took her in his arms and pulled her close into his chest. His arms wrapping around her tiny frame.

'Meredith nothing I have ever said to you is a lie, nothing, and nothing I ever say to you in the future will be a lie either.'

'I know, I'm sorry.' She muffled into his chest before pulling away and gazing into his worried eyes. 'I saw Addison out there, she explained everything, and it was goodbye...just goodbye...'

'She signed Mer, she finally did it, and for once she showed a glimmer of the Addison I used to know...'

'I'm glad it's done.' She whispered as she moved forwards and placed a soft kiss against his lips.

'Me too, without the stress or worry of a court case or fighting over assets! She hasn't contested anything. It's done.' He smiled as he returned the kiss as she parted her lips to allow his tongue to delve into her mouth and slowly explore her space.

'Mmmmm' a moan escaped from the pair, neither knowing if it was from them self or the other as their hands began to caress the back of each other, pulling one another closer as the kiss intensified.

'Do I need to hose you two down or do you think you might actually make it to your trial patient sometime today?' Bailey bellowed from the doorway as Meredith and Derek sprung apart like teenagers caught by a parent.

'We were just...'

'I know exactly what you were doing, it will be forever be etched in my memory, you're a fancy brain surgeon do you think you could wipe the past 30 seconds from my memory.' She laughed.

'We are heading right there.' Meredith smiled as she rested her head on Derek's shoulder before making her way to the door. 'I'll see you down there.'

As Meredith walked off towards the elevator Bailey stood herself in the doorway to prevent Derek leaving. And her gaze turned from friendly to fierce in an instant.

'Did you hurt her?'

'Did I what?'

'Hurt her? Because that was not a look of happiness that just left this room, that girl has the weight of the world on her shoulders and if you have done anything to cause her any pain then I will hurt you.' She smiled a deadly smile over at Derek.

'No I haven't hurt her, nor will I ever hurt her. There was a misunderstanding that was resolved before it even began, you have my word that if I ever did to anything to make Meredith upset then you have my permission to hurt me.'

'I will hold you to that.'

'You won't have to.' He said as he walked over to Bailey. 'You won't ever have to hurt me, because I will never do anything to hurt Mer, not ever.'

'Then you may go.' She ordered as she stepped away from the door 'go save some lives, and when this works, whether it be today or tomorrow or three weeks from now, you remember whose idea this was...'

'This is all Mer; I'm just offering some help along the way.' He smiled as he left the room and set off after Meredith.

'Ok people you are about to experience potential medical history, medical greatness, medical majesty, you're about to witness the beginning of something extraordinary, take in the moment.' Meredith announced to her interns as she rounded the corner and headed to Mr Robinsons room. She knew what Derek had said, about not getting her hopes up, but if she didn't have some belief in this from the onset, then what was actually the point of continuing.

'Ok, Dr Worthington did you warn the interns what to expect?' Derek asked as he caught up with the group and picked Mr Robinsons notes up from the side of the desk.

'I told them to expect greatness.' She smiled but felt slightly disheartened when her hope wasn't returned and Derek threw her a look of worry.

'Yes, in addition to all the greatness the patient may be inappropriately emotional which means he is aggressive, abusive, don't take it personally, don't engage just realise that it's the tumour talking...OK' He instructed as he turned and walked into the room.

'Mr Robinson, Mrs Robinson Dr Worthington and I would like to say once again how grateful we are that you have decided to participate in our clinical trial, I know it's a very hard decision to make.'

'But there is a chance right? It's like our only chance?' Mrs Robinson asked as she stood from the chair next to her husband's bed.

'If the surgery doesn't kill me the tumour will.' Mr Robinson laughed from the bed. 'What have I got to lose right?' He continued as he gave way to a fit of giggles.

'Well as we discussed the treatment has never been tested on humans before. We are going to inject a live virus into the tumour.' Meredith explained trying to disguise the nervousness from her voice.

'It's just we can't take the tumour out or hope is to reduce the tumour from within...Dr JOHNSON...' Derek motioned for Meredith's intern to continue.

'Over the past few weeks Mr Robinson has suffered worsening vision loss and severe headaches, that and including...' Dr Johnson was cut off as Mr Robinson motioned him to come closer.

'Nice huh, first thing I noticed about her, hell of an ass, you like a nice piece of ass kid; admittedly she could do with a little more on top.'

'Apparently he is picking out new husbands for me.' Mrs Robinson explained sadly.

'Was I even talking to you?' Mr Robinson screamed.

'It's the tumour talking.' Meredith explained.

'Yeah, it's just the tumour talking.' Mrs Robinson agreed, but the sadness in her voice evident to everyone in the room.

'So you single or what?'

Meredith remained in the room with Mr and Mrs Robinson carrying out the last few exams before the operation. She tapped his knees with a small hammer and checked his reflexes.

'So it seems there have been a lot of changes since his last check up.' She explained to Mrs Robinson who now sat on the couch facing her husband. 'His behaviour had being getting more erratic?'

'That's a nice way of putting it.'

'You have been incredibly strong Jennifer.' Meredith used her first name now, eager to put her at ease over the whole situation but was interrupted by a raspberry blowing Mr Robinson,

'You know if you really want to help doctor you could bring some single men by.'

'Philip, please stop.'

'Jennifer we are in a hospital full of eligible doctors and you're a waitress with no prospects who needs to learn how to use her ass to catch a new guy before I bite the dust.' He shouted before dissolving into laughter again.

'You have to remember it's just the tumour.' Meredith offered before Mr. Robinson began to howl again.

'I urm...just can't see.' He stuttered as the realisation of what he was saying fell on the three of them in the room.

'What, what can't you see?'

'Anything. I'm blind.' He said as he continued to laugh.

Meredith paged Derek at once; eager to inform him of the latest development, luckily he had only been a matter of rooms away down the corridor and was back in the room within minutes.

'No responses to light.' he noted as he shone a torch into each of his eyes.

'If I remember correctly you're a good looking guy.'

Meredith, Derek and Mrs Robinson all ignored the comment and shared glances amongst themselves.

'You know just because I'm blind doesn't mean you can ignore me you sick twisted bastard. Playing games with people's lives, slicing open people's brains...'

'Mr Robinson...I'm sorry but I believe it's possible the tumour is infiltrating the optic nerve. We should consider moving the surgery up a few hours, maybe even doing it within the hour.'

'What about you Dr Worthington, you're a sexy little thing. Do you think Dr Shepherd here is attractive enough for my wife?

Meredith chose to ignore his comment as she followed a weeping Jennifer out of the room.

'Jennifer this isn't easy I know.'

'My husband is probably going to die today, we are moving up the surgery and he might die and all he can do is try and fix me up with other men and I know it's the tumour talking but if he dies my last memory is going to be of him calling me a piece of ass' meredith remained rooted to the spot as she walked off, as she thought of her own last memory, the beeping of the machines as William drifted away...

Derek noticed her in her own little world as he approached her and offered her a worrying glance.

'I'm not involved and my hopes are not up.' She offered as he stood alongside of her.

'Hmmm' he responded as he cast his eyes over her face, looking for a sign of emotion, to stop her before she got in too deep.

'Hmmm nothing, I'm ok.' She said before heading off down the corridor, determined not to break in front of him, not yet.


	49. Chapter 46 Hope, angerLOVE?

**Chapter 46 hope, anger, love?**

The moment they had been working towards was getting closer, Mr Robinson was beginning a downward spiral as the malignant Glioma took greater control of his brain, and the earlier suggestion to push the surgery forwards a few hours had quickly, yet warily been accepted. Meredith was off speaking to Mrs Robinson, ensuring the last of the paper work was signed, all the I's dotted and all the T's crossed which left Derek to check back in with their patient.

Mr Robinson was quieter now as he sat in his hospital bed, still unable to see so he remained trapped in his own little bubble as he awaited more news. He heard people fussing around outside his door, and the occasional whisper of his name, but it wasn't until he felt his notes be picked up off his bed that he realised someone was in the room.

'Jennifer?' he asked as he sat himself up on the bed.

'No sorry, it's me, Dr Shepherd.'

'I hate this, not being able to see, I just want to see Jennifer.' MR Robinson explained as Derek began an examination of his eyes and pupil reactivity.

'Philip this is an extremely risky operation. You may still have a few weeks to live; you could spend that time with Jennifer.' Derek explained as his mind tried to comprehend what Meredith must have gone through when she was faced with letting William go. What he was about to do to this couple was full of uncertainty, could he be responsible for ending a man's life and shaping the life of his wife forever? 'You don't have to do this surgery today.' He continued as he failed to notice Meredith arrive at the door behind him, she remained quiet as she leaned on the door frame and watched the scene unfold before her.

'I'm trying to fix Jennifer up, I don't want to leave her alone, it's the one thing about all this I really can't stand. I just want her to be alright when I'm gone.

The enormity of what Mr Robinson was saying made Meredith steady herself on the door as she heard the words of Williams's letter more or less repeated from within the room. He didn't want her to be alone...he didn't want her to be alone. A small tear escaped and slid down her cheek as she listened to an emotional Derek's response.

'You need to tell her that, before you go into surgery you need to remember this conversation, and you need to tell her that.' Derek stuttered as his mind once again thought to the words he heard from Meredith, William hadn't wanted her to be alone. Was this what happened if you were in love and facing death in the face? Were your first priorities making sure the person you loved knew it was ok to move on, to love again? Mr Robinson was telling him, William had written Meredith a letter...

Meredith listened intently to Derek, he spoke from the heart, he knew how important it was for the person left behind to have some level of reassurance for the future, she knew first hand as much as she had wanted to block everybody out, at some point you have to let someone back in, let your defences go...Derek was that person for her, and if Mr Robinson was to lose his fight this afternoon, then Jennifer needed the memory of someone caring enough about her to let her find love again, Derek was right, she had to hear it. She managed to keep the tears that threatened to fall in check as she took a deep breath and backed away from the room, still unnoticed by either Derek or Mr Robinson. She couldn't help but wonder though as she backed away if Derek had been completely honest with her, he told her not to get her hopes up, not to get involved...but the way Derek had spoke in that room the nervousness in his voice, the stuttering...was he as involved as her? More?

He was emotionally involved, after everything he had said.

What had she asked him to take on!

**Flashback**

_Meredith and his mother lay at each end of the couch in his patients room, his dad sat at his side and was the only other person awake in the room. His wife and his mother were outdoing each other in the snoring department, each exhausted and in a deep sleep that they weren't waking to hear the other sound like a middle aged trucker!_

'_Dad when you come back tonight can you make Mom take Meredith home with her, please, just one night. She needs to sleep. Her walking around like a zombie isn't helping anyone.'_

'_I can try son, but your wife is as stubborn as your mother I doubt I will be able to get either of them to leave.'_

'_I need you to try dad.' William whispered as his own body began to give in to exhaustion, a yawn escaping before he had chance to hide it._

'_you need some sleep too son, the chemo is wiping you out, how about I try waking the sleeping beauties and try getting them to rest at home now, they are sleepy and may be easier to manipulate.' He laughed, and felt relief to see his son offer a small smile back._

_After a heated argument, and tears from all in the room the ladies finally agreed to go home for some sleep. Meredith said she would only leave for an hour, but William said he would block the nurse from letting her in if she returned within the next six hours, and Meredith had eventually agreed, not before setting the alarm on her phone for six hours time._

'_Dad, can you pass me up my bag before you go.'_

_Once the room was silent William reached inside his bag and pulled out the notepad he knew he had waiting in there, and luckily for him his somewhat airy Intern had left her Pen on his table during her check up earlier so he didn't have to root around hunting for a writing implement._

_He knew what was happening to him, he had all but accepted it from the minute his chemo began. He wasn't getting better, he wasn't blind, he could see the way the doctors looked at him, yet every time he tried to bring up the reality his mother or Meredith had asked him to stop. Both afraid to hear the truth, to accept the truth. There was no way he could have the conversation he needed to have with Meredith, not in a way to make her understand. So he had quickly decided on a letter, a memory that she could forever hold in her hand and let her eyes cast across when she needed him._

My beautiful Meredith

If you are reading this then I know you must be hurting, and you are about to sink perhaps your fourth tequila? Let me guess, you headed to the liquor cabinet, poured a shot without noticing the letter? Then as you went back for more, it caught your eye? You spent the last couple of shots staring at it, wondering what was inside, and then finally with a fourth for Dutch courage, you opened it...I'm close baby, I know I am, I know you so well!

I have thought about writing this letter for such a long time, since we first found out, but I put it off over and over again, with every piece of good news we got I began to think I may never have to even write it! But things don't always go to plan and as I write this I know that my time left with you is short...

I love you Meredith Worthington, you have made my world complete, I may not have had the chance to grow old with you but the years we have had together have been without doubt the best years of my life, I would rather have had this short, perfect time together then no time at all...

I don't want you to be alone, when it happens, I don't want it to be just you...

I will love you forever and more Meredith, forever and more. Xxxxxx

_He had cried as he wrote, he didn't want to leave his wife, the thought of her having to deal with his death petrified him, she was so fragile, so delicate and he had no idea if she could get through any of this. But one thing he knew for certain was that after it happened, and things slowly began to return to normality he didn't want his wife to have to face a future alone. She deserved to be loved, to have someone worship the ground she walked on, to treat her the same way he would have done if this cruel and devastating illness hadn't struck. He really didn't want her to be alone..._

'_Will?'_

'_Hey dad back so soon?'_

'_It's been five hours and fifty two minutes...your mother and Meredith have been clock watching for the past thirty five minutes but I told them my son stood by his word so they better go and fetch a coffee or nip to the ladies room for the next eight minutes..Make that seven minutes...' he laughed as the hands on his watch ticked over another minute._

'_I'm glad it's just you dad, I need you to do something for me, please.'_

'_Anything son, anything.'_

'_I need you to take this and put it in the one place we both know Meredith will look when all of this is over.' He stuttered as the look on his father's face made him realise he knew what he was saying. 'This is beating me dad, I can't fight, not anymore, this is one race I'm not going to win.' He sobbed as the tears streamed down his and his father's face._

'_In here are some of the things meredith won't let me say, what she doesn't want to hear, that she doesn't want to accept, but after...after I've gone, I still need her to hear them, she has to know it's ok...she has to.' He sobbed his heart breaking at the thought of leaving his family, his wife...the world behind..._

'_The tequila cupboard...' his father whispered as he engulfed his son in his arms._

'_Where else.'_

Meredith looked at her watch as she realised she was going to miss her latest therapy session with Dr Wyatt, with the surgery rescheduled it would cut right into her appointment time so she fled down the corridor to explain she couldn't make it, needed to rearrange – but to vent too, just a little bit.

'Hey,' she said as she entered the therapy room and noticed Dr Wyatt sitting at her desk, her back to the door. 'I only have five minutes because we moved the surgery up. But I did want to come here and say that maybe he doesn't know me at all. He tells me not to be emotionally involved, but he is, I can hear it in his voice, he is too'

'He?'

'Derek, told me not to get my hopes up, anyone who knows me knows I'm not a hopeful person to begin with a hard faced mother, my husband taken away so cruelly – what's to be hopeful about, nothing, there is never anything to be hopeful about?'

'Right.'

'I came up with this clinical trial, it's my baby, does he honestly think that I just walked into this with no understanding of how hard it would be, I watched my husband die...I know...how hard...this...c..c..ca..Can be.'

'He doesn't understand because he told you not to get your hopes up? Have you stopped to think that he isn't emotionally involved in his parents well being, maybe it's yours, maybe it's you he is emotionally involved with.'

'Seriously?'

'his medical priority is saving this man's life, or other people's lives so they have a hope for a future – a future you may be able to give them after your research – but his everyday side, his heart, his love – that's all looking out for you meredith, he doesn't want you to be hurt after everything else. Derek isn't finding it hard to disengage with the case; he is finding it difficult to disengage with his feelings for you.'

'I've got to go surgery will be starting.'

'The surgery with no hope?'

'Shut up.' Meredith snapped back before leaving the room.

Derek found Meredith sitting on the small chair outside of Mr Robinson's room. Her eyes faced firmly on the floor.

'Hey, you ok, you ready?'

'I am Derek, but are you?' she whispered refusing to meet his gaze.

'Yes I'm ready, we have to start this, and we can't hide from what it might mean.'

'Are you scared of losing him? Or me if this goes wrong?' she snapped, unintentionally as the trial began to weigh heavily on her shoulders.

'Whoa where's all this come from?' he asked, the hurt evident in his voice as he bent down and rested on his knees before taking her head in his hands.

'Get off me, answer the question, you tell me not to get my hopes up, yet you have, you think you can do this, I can hear it in your voice, you think you have got this, and if you haven't your more concerned about me blaming you, then the fact that Mrs Robinson will be a widower, and Mr Robinson will be gone!' she sobbed as she shouted, and tried to pull her head out of his grasp.

'Meredith stop please, this is crazy, I have to go into there with some hope, if I didn't then what would be the point of going in there in the first place, I might as well take a bullet to his brain and be done with it, I have to have some hope.'

'but you told me not to have any, that I couldn't...' she sobbed as she allowed her cheek to fall into his palm, her defences slowly coming back down, seeking comfort in the man before her.

'What are you on about? Why are you shouting at me? Of course I care about you, of course I do, but the minute we get into that OR all thoughts of me and you has to be left in the scrub room. I'm a surgeon, and I'm going to fight like hell to save Mr Robinsons life today...'

'I'm sorry...I'm sorry.' She sobbed as she attempted to stand from the chair, Derek shadowing her movements and pulling her into an embrace, relief washing over him as she returned his hug.

Just at that moment the porters pushed Mr Robinson out of the room and the pair broke their embrace as they walked silently alongside until just before the OR door.

'Mr Robinson, remember what we spoke about earlier?' Derek whispered

'Jen...Jenn...Jennifer...' Mr Robinson shouted as he reached out for his wife's hands and entwined his fingers with her.

'I don't want to leave you alone; I want you to meet someone. I want you to promise me you'll try because I can't do this thinking I'm leaving you alone. Ok.'

'Ok...Ok'

'Maybe I'll make it; I hope I'll make it.'

Meredith looked on at the exchange before her as Mrs Robinson leaned down and kissed her husband, a kiss goodbye...she felt hand on the bottom of her back, slow steady circles comforting her, no words spoken, but a look between them that told her it still wasn't too late to walk away from this, he wouldn't judge her. A small smile was shared between the pair before she took his hand and walked into the OR. If he could do this, then so could she. She could do this.

'And now...moment of truth.' Derek sighed as he placed the injection tube directly into Mr Robinson's open brain. 'Injecting the virus into the tumour.' He explained as he looked over and shared a glance with Meredith as he began to push down on the plunger.

The sound was deafening at the monitor blared out the sound not one person in that room wanted to hear.

'Complete heart block' Meredith heard herself whisper, as Derek's head shot round and stared at the screen.

'Dam it the injection went into the intra arterial...push one of atropine.'

'Not responding.'

'Push another one...come on..

The silence that followed the usually busy OR was unusual, you could have heard a pin drop as machines were turned off, tubes were removed...and doctors stood staring at the lifeless body on the table in front of them. Neither Derek or meredith allowing themselves to look up and face each other, both knowing the hurt the other must be feeling, Derek feeling like he had killed a man, ended his wife's future and crushed meredith all at the same time, meredith already sympathising with what Mrs Robinson was about to go through, and sensing the guilt radiating from Derek's broken form,

'Patient number one treatment failed.' Derek announced as he reached up to pull off his head gear and leave the room 'time of death 19:33' he shot back into the room, as he left to scrub out, his gaze not leaving the lifeless form on the table as he ran his hands under the water, minutes passed before he realised meredith was alongside of him, only when her hands met his in the water did he acknowledge her presence, when he felt her entwine her hands with his, he returned the act and turned to face her.

'I'm sorry.' He whispered 'I'm so sorry.'

'this isn't about me Derek,' she whispered back as their eyes met and each shared the grief of losing Mr Robinson, each feeling his loss perhaps in slightly different ways, but each feeling the loss all the same. Meredith's earlier anger over Derek's involvement washing down the sink as she realised just how much he was hurting too.

'I'll tell her' he said as they made their way out of the scrub room and headed towards the waiting room. 'I've got this.'

'Thank you.' She heard herself whisper, she couldn't go in there and inflict the same pain she had faced onto someone else, and she couldn't. Instead she looked on through the window as she watched Mrs Robinson collapse into Derek's arms. She had no idea how he had decided to tell her, or if words were needed at all, but what she witnessed through that window made her heart ache – for the man she had loved and lost – and the man she was falling in love with now...she was falling in love...

'I got my hopes up.' She called as Derek left the room, and he could see at once she had been crying. One look at his face and she knew he had too.

'Yeah me too.' He sighed as the pair began to walk down the corridor.

'Dr Shepherd..Derek...'

'Yes' he half smiled at the way she addressed him...

'Despite it all, it was a pleasure working with you today. ' she smiled through her tears as she held her hand out to the man in front of her, he at once took her hand and ran his thumb over the top of it before encasing it in his own as they began to walk towards his office.

'Do you think we could go to the trailer tonight, far away from here, far far away?' She whispered.

'Of course, the trailer sounds perfect.' He replied as he arrived in his office and took a tissue off the desk and dried her tears.

Meredith sat herself down on the couch and watched him as he collected the things he needed for the evening as she took stock of what she was feeling.

As she closed her eyes for a few moments there was only one thought running through her head

She was in love with him

As he picked up his jacket and changed his shoes with his more comfortable walking boots he allowed himself a moment to rest in his chair and cast a glance over at Meredith, her eyes closed and her head resting on the back of the couch. He thought back over the day's events, the pain, the anger, and the hope they had both shared and there was only one thing he kept coming back to...

He was in love with her.


	50. Chapter 47 WANNA GO AGAIN  VERY MATURE!

SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO UPDATE REAL LIFE WAS KICKIGN MY ASS….THIS CHAPTER HAS AN EXTRA MATURE WARNING…ITS PORNY…SO PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK….ENJOY XXX

AND IM SORRY FOR NOT REPLYIGN TO COMMENTS I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW TO SO IF ANYONE CAN TALK ME THRU IT I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT

THANK U ALL FOR THE SUPPORT SO FAR WITH THIS STORY

GEM XXX

Chapter 47 – wanna go again?

Meredith sat on the jetty alongside the lake, her knees pulled in close to her chest and her arms wrapped around them tight with her gaze fixed on the water in front of her. Night time had really closed in, the sky was midnight blue now, and as it was a clear evening the stars up above glistened like the lights sparkling on a Christmas tree. It was almost a full moon and the moonlight reflected off the still water making it appear silver to the eye, illuminating the area making it more visible then usual from the trailer window. The trees that surrounded the lake cast shadows that appeared to dance across the water as the branches swayed with the slight breeze. A slight shiver spread over her body as the crisp evening enveloped her and goose bumps prickled her skin as she began to regret not bringing a sweater or coat out with her.

Derek stood on the decking outside the trailer and watched as she pulled her legs in tighter, rested her chin upon her knees and began to rub her hands across her own bare arms in a flurry to warm her body. She was freezing, yet remained out in the cold evening air. He had offered to rustle together a quick bite to eat, and had been busy preparing chicken and pasta when Meredith had said she needed some fresh air and had taken herself off to the jetty. He hadn't protested, he had let her go, the last few days had been the same, she had been distant, so close in body yet not in mind…

She hadn't really mentioned Mr Robinson this last week; instead she had thrown herself into more research and spent hours online or in the hospital research lab hunting for help in adjusting the viral cocktail, he has nearly been driven to kidnap her just to get her to leave the hospital, but she had agreed when he had suggested the trailer and not her house. She still seemed to find her sanctuary out in the wilderness, she seemed to relax more, be more at ease. She was desperate to make the amendments in order to make the trial a success yet in her hunt for answers she seemed to ignore the one person who may be able to help her find it – Derek! He had offered, of course, every time he found her slaving away he offered his time in making the amendments, offering to free her from it in order to work on other aspects of the trial – but every time she refused, she repeatedly mentioned how she had to make it work, how she felt responsible for its success…or failure!

He plated up the food and placed both plates back into the oven to keep them warm before he grabbed a coat for himself and another of his for Meredith and began walking out towards the lake. He knew she wanted to be on her own, but he couldn't just sit there and watch her freeze out there. As he strode through the woods, sticks and leaves crunched underneath his feet with the sound seeming to echo around in the darkness, she would be able to hear him approach, but she wasn't reacting to his footsteps. It didn't take long to close the gap between the trailer and the edge of the jetty, but before he moved any closer he took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his black mane of hair that he knew needed cutting soon, it was getting a little long – was she ignoring him?

'Hey.'

A small smile escaped his lips as he heard her quietly whisper the greeting, she hadn't moved, but she knew he was there, and the fact that she had acknowledged him surely meant she wasn't annoyed that he had interrupted her silence.

'Hey yourself.' He smiled as he walked up behind her, crouched down and wrapped the coat around her hunched body, the coat clearly too big as he over lapped the sides and left his own arms swathed around hers too. Relief washing over him as he felt her lean back into him. He pressed a small kiss into the side of her neck, just underneath her lobe as he allowed himself to sit, parting his legs either side of her body and pulling her in closer again. He placed his chin on her shoulder and breathed in the sweet aroma that radiated from her and smiled as the lavender infiltrated his system – he would never tire of that smell however the chill from her cheek surprised him.

'You're freezing.' He said as he began to rub his own hands up and down her arms in a desperate attempt to warm her, before taking his hand and slowly titling her face towards him more and kissing each cheek – one side, then the other.

'I'm sorry.' She whispered as she turned her body, now completely facing him and placed her own legs over his and pulled herself in closer, wrapping her arms around his neck and running her fingers through the soft curls of hair that could be found at the nape of his neck.

'Sorry?' he questioned as he inched her closer, closing the space so that even the night air had trouble passing between the two. She leant forwards and placed a soft kiss to his awaiting lips, her hands resting on the back of his head as she pulled him closer as their lips met. Even now, weeks after they started this, the exact same feelings still surprised both of them, as the electrical current made its way through their bodies, and left their senses at full alert – all from one small kiss.

'I've been avoiding you.' She sighed as she pulled back and allowed her beautiful green orbs to meet with his darkening blue globes. 'Which sounds crazy as we have seen each other a lot, but even when we are together I've been distant, or something?' She whispered, apologising not only with words, but with the expression on her face too.

'It's ok.' He smiled, attempting to reassure her as he ran his thumb along her jaw line, before replacing it with his mouth, pressing small, delicate kisses along her skin.

'It's just…' she was unable to finish the sentence as he moved to the other side of her jaw and continued to cover her with his kisses. 'Derek…' she moaned, surprising herself and him in the process.

'Mer…' he growled as he found out her lips now and covered them with his own, her lips parting granting him access into her crevasse, as his hands moved inside the jacket, one moving under her t shirt tickling the side of her body with soft touches, the other moving up to her bra, tracing the shape of her breast with his finger tips, his palm massaging her soft skin through the lace covering it, before allowing his thumb to brush over her hardening nipple now evident under his touch.

'Der…St...st…stop' she murmured as she felt the heat between her legs become more intense, and her panties began to soak through more with every touch as he allowed his other hand to take her other breast and began to repeat the action, the smile growing over his face as he felt her other nipple as hard as the first.

'No…not here…' he heard her whisper as he allowed himself to meet her gaze once again, a new look of desire, one he hadn't seen this intense – forever, radiated from her stare, a small smile held on her lips, as the blush that had spread across her cheeks glowed in the evening moonlight.

'I want you.' She smiled as leant forwards and pressed another small kiss to her lovers lips, and wrapped her arms around him 'I really do, I want this, all of this.'

'I want you too, more than I've ever wanted anything, ever.' He smiled as their foreheads touched and each felt the other relax in the other's arms. 'But we can wait…we can wait.'

'I don't want to wait. Not anymore.' She whispered, in a busy street her words would have been inaudible, but at that moment in time, in the middle of nowhere, in the wilderness that had become her safe place, her words seemed to echo around in the darkness.

'Are you sure?' he asked as he responded as she stood up from his lap and held out her hand to help him up.

'I'm sure.' She smiled as she leant into him as he wrapped his arm around her and the pair made their way back to the trailer.

'Can we just…sit…for a few minutes?' she asked as they approached the decking, their hands now interlocked.

'Are you hungry? We could eat?'

'That would be nice, but…don't you mind…you know…waiting?' she asked as she sat down on one of the chairs.

'It's fine.' He laughed as he leant down and pressed a delicate kiss to the top of her head before moving inside to retrieve the plates from the oven.

The pair sat opposite each other and sat in relative silence as they cleared their plates, both obviously hungrier then they realised, and the eagerness in the speed they ate amusing both of them!

'We can't just…go for it.' Meredith laughed as Derek collected her plate 'we will get indigestion' she laughed.

'Let your dinner settle.' He smirked as he took the plates inside; returning a few moments later with a bottle of red and two glasses.

'Dutch courage.' He joked, before rubbing his arm as Meredith reached out and slapped him on the arm.

'If drink is the only way you can bare to be naked with me?' she gasped, pretending to be shocked. 'Then I think I will withdraw my body from the equation.'

'You wouldn't?' he smiled as he poured them both a glass and handed hers over, her fingers grazing with his as she received the drink before standing up and going over to join Derek on his chair, lowering herself onto his lap, her legs parted either side of his hips, her face within inches of his as she took the first sip of her wine….'mmmmm' she moaned as the delicate nectar made its way down the back of her throat 'makes a change from tequila.' She laughed as Derek moved uncomfortably under hear body.

'Are you ok?' she asked worryingly as he lifted her slightly, readjusting her position.

'Yeah it's just…this…isn't really helping the need to wait….indigestion avoidance.' He laughed as he motioned to the closeness of their bodies, her own centre laying incredibly close to his manhood, her close proximity meaning the throbbing from underneath his jeans would surely soon be noticeable to her in the position they were in.

'Oh…' she smiled as she took another sip of her wine, before placing it down on the side table that stood alongside the chair. Before wrapping her arms around his neck once again and placing her cheek onto his shoulder, allowing her hair to billow down across his chest, her own gaze fixed firmly on the trailer door, a small smile resting on her lips as his finger tips began massaging her spine through her shirt.

'Meredith?' he whispered as he continued to stroke his fingers up and down the length of her spine, desperate to touch every last inch of her back. 'If you do want to wait, it's ok, it won't change the way I feel about you, nothing will ever change that.' He promised as he felt her move in his arms and turn to face him once again. Their noses touched as she leant forwards and kissed him once, twice, three times quick little pecks on the lips.

'I love you.' She spoke softly as she felt the tears begin to accumulate in her eyes, and begin to fall down her cheeks, as she pulled her head back, desperate to take in his reaction as she shared with him the words that had consumed her thoughts the past week. Yes she had avoided him, in his eyes throwing herself into the research at a hundred knots, but in reality dealing with her own feelings and confusion to the sudden realisation that she was in love, with someone who wasn't William. She was in love with Derek Christopher Shepherd – and she knew it was exactly what William would have wanted as the words of his letter reverberated through her mind.

_I don't want you to be alone…. _

'I know I'm a little late in telling you that, but I'm in love with you Derek and I…' He cut the sentence off as he suddenly leant forwards and closed the tiny distance as he took her head in his hands and pressed his lips to her cheeks, drying the tears with his kisses before moving his lips to hers, his lips parting as they covered her mouth and the taste of the red wine on her lips adding to his already heightened senses, their lips crashing together in urgency as each fought to gain access to the others warm crevasse.

'I'm in love with you too.' He stuttered through the kisses. 'I love everything about you. I was gonna find you this morning and tell you, but I got called into surgery.' He continued, the tears now evident in his own eyes at the moment that was engulfing the pair

'You love me?' she smiled as she ran the pads of her thumbs under each of his eyes in turn to swipe the tears that were escaping now, the relief evident on her face as she heard the words she longed to hear in return.

'Of course, yes, how could I not? I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for... ever... so please take all the time you need, if this doesn't feel right, then we can wait.'

'I don't think there could be a more perfect time.' She smiled as she stood from his lap and held her hand out to lead him into the trailer. 'This…is…perfect.' she said as she kissed him repeatedly as the pair made their way inside.

She was in love with him, he was in love with her, she had been given a second chance at love, she felt honoured to be allowed a second chance of happily ever after, of been with the man who made her world complete, after all the heart ache and turbulence that reverberated throughout her life, her she was now, blissful and in love…and she couldn't be happier.

As the pair entered the trailer Derek pulled on Meredith's hand stopping her from her continuing to the bedroom, as he pulled her closer to him, their lips within touching distance, each of them carrying a smile on their faces, encouraging the other to continue, their eyes darkening as they got closer once again, her chest now resting against his, their hearts beating in unison, beating the rhythm of their love, each sure the other would be able to feel the strength of their own heart beat.

Derek ran his fingers through her soft blonde tresses that framed her face, and pushed them back behind her ear, covering the path his fingers took with kisses them moment his fingers vacated the space, before taking her hand and leading the way to the bedroom.

He say her carefully down on the edge of the bed, and stood himself between her open thighs as he leant down and pressed soft, tantalizing kisses along her forehead, down the side of her cheek, and into the space just below her jaw line, a move he knew was guaranteed a reaction, as he felt the shiver of excitement spread across her skin.

He allowed his finger tips to manipulate the top two buttons of her shirt out of their resting place, exposing the soft skin of her chest, and his first glimpse of the top of her bra – black and lacy and he moaned as he moved his palms down, cupping each breast in turn and allowing his thumbs to trace the line of material that rested across the swell of her breasts.

Her own hands reacted at once at the feel of his on her chest as she reached up into the small gap between them and began to undo the buttons of his jeans, her fingers freeing each button in turn before she was able to lower the denim from his ass and move them towards the floor. He reacted to her actions by stepping out of his jeans and kicking them to the side of the room, freeing his legs from their restrictions before returning his attention to the shirt that was now half hanging off her in front of him. He quickly undid the remaining buttons and pushed the shirt off her shoulders and threw it to join his jeans in the corner of the room.

As the cool air hit her bare skin, she smiled as she watched the desire spread across his face, his eyes darkened once again as the lust he held for her was evident, he leant forwards and ran kisses along her collar bone, and up her neck, tickling as the kisses intensified, his hands running through her hair, steadying himself, reminding himself to take his time, he had wanted this for so long…and it was amazing, everything about meredith was amazing.

A moan escaped one of the pair as each of them began to react to the other. Her own panties soaking through at an alarming rate, with every touch of his lips on her bare skin leading directly to her clit which was now throbbing between her legs, crying out for attention…his cock straining from the confinements of his boxers as he grew bigger every time her fingers ran along the bare skin of his thighs.

Her fingers moved up slowly, tracing along the top of his boxers as they began to pull urgently at his t shirt, the look in her eye, as their gaze locked, pleading with him to take it off. He did exactly as she was asking by pulling it off over his head, leaving him standing there in only his boxer shorts.

He responded by pulling meredith up from her seated position on the end of the bed and pulled her into his body so that he could feel for the first time her lacy bra pressing against his chest, his cock was throbbing in the space between them, and as he pulled her closer again he knew that she would be able to feel the sensation of repeatedly growing harder against her thigh.

He ran his finger tips down her spine, tracing each link of her vertebrae as he went before he reached the waist band of her jeans. Meredith kissed into his neck, granting him permission to continue as he reached to the button and undid it, before sliding down her zipper and reaching into her pockets to help remove them in one fluid movement. As they hit the floor she kicked her feet free and smiled as she heard them hit the wall, urgent much?

Derek's fingers didn't stop there; they continued to caress her skin as they moved on back up towards her breasts, running his thumbs over her hardened nipples in a repeat action from earlier out by the lake. A moan escaped her lips, the sound of her breathing deepening forcing his cock to strain harder behind its wall of material, his fingers reaching around and unhooking her bra in one movement, slowly revealing her beautiful breasts to him as he pulled each strap off her shoulders and replaced the material with a flurry of quick, light kisses, along her collar bone, before moving further down and kissing the top of her pert breast at the same time as slowly lowering her back down onto the bed, his own body moving down in time with hers, covering her body with his own as he turned his attention to the sight of her peachy pink nipples staring back up at him.

Meredith couldn't believe the sensations he was creating through her body, her pulse was soaring with every touch of his lips on her, and she breathed in a short sharp intake of breath as his tongue found its way to her nipple, he kissed over each in turn before returning to lavish attention on her left, then her right…his tongue lapping away at the soft pert nub that was growing harder and more sensitive each time his moist tongue moved against it, the moans of pleasure escaping from her mouth only adding to the excitement Derek already felt.

He moved on from her breasts and began to cover her toned stomach in kisses, ensuring there wasn't an inch of her stomach left untouched, his hands moved up and caressed each breast, harder each time as her moans encouraged him for more. His lips reached the waist band of her black panties as he continued to move lower, pressing quick, soft kisses through the fabric of her panties over her wet core, her wet centre throbbing with desire, to feel Derek inside of her.

'Derek...Please…' she panted as he continued past her throbbing clit and began to press kisses along the inside of her thigh, down towards her ankle, the feel of his lips running over her ankle bone exciting her like she had never thought possible.

As he made his way back up and stopped once again above her panties, he pushed himself up onto all fours to protect her tiny frame from the weight of him, as he looked up and allowed his gaze to meet with hers.

'Please.' She begged as she felt his fingers move to the waist band of her panties and begin to slowly move them down over her thighs, across her knees and her own feet kicked in urgency as he manoeuvred them over her ankle. His gaze returned to her beautiful form before him, her legs parting slightly as her foot lifted up and hooked around the back of his leg, encouraging him to move over her. As she pulled him closer, a small smile sat on both of their faces as she reaches up and took hold of his waistband and began to push the material down over his ass as far as she could reach.

Aware that her hands would only reach so far he stood up and kicked them off, sighing in relief as his cock sprang free and strained for release.

Meredith allowed her gaze to move down his body, past his strong, toned chest and down to the impressive member before her – he was enormous. The minute her eyes met with his cock she felt herself soak through some more, she was almost nervous she was leaving a damp space on the bed, her walls seemed to be flooding, and he was still nowhere near entering her…the thought of him pushing inside of her was enough for a moan to escape her lips, and the darkening of Derek's eyes intensified again as he moved back over her.

'Condoms…have you got…any..' she stuttered as she watched him lean over her and reach past her, his chest resting across hers as he retrieved the foil wrapper and began to unwrap its contents.

'Let me.' She smiled as she took the packet off him and slowly rolled the condom over his throbbing erection.

She reached up and pulled him closer to her once it was in place, his body resting carefully over hers, his cock now pushing into her thigh, the pulsating beating in time with the same throbbing that was rippling through her body from her clit.

'I want you Mer…so much…you're sure of this…'

'I want you too…pl…please…' she begged as she moved her legs apart slightly, freeing a path for Derek's cock to take.

As their lips crashed together once again, and her fingers dug into the soft skin of his shoulders, they both let out a moan that echoed through the trailer and out into the night as he slowly began to push inside of her at the same time she lifted her hips to make it easier for him to slide inside, as he pushed his cock in deeper he felt his heart rate quicken again, the tightness of her walls driving him wild as his cock filled her wet, hot centre deeper with every push.

Her left leg reaching around the back of his knee, encouraging him to move deeper, yet helping to control the pace too,

His slow thrusts building up into a rhythm with Meredith, as perfectly in sync as their bodies fitted perfectly together

'Oh god Der…'

'Mer…you're so…ti...tight…'

'Faster...please…fast...oh god…faster…'

'You're sure? Fast?' he stammered as he pushed in deeper again, her walls tightening around his cock making him one to scream in ways he had never before.

'Fast…please…fast…we…have…all night for….slo...ohhhhh' she gasped as she felt the pace begin to quicken.

He responded to her moans as he quickened the pace again, thrusting faster and deeper as he met her bucking hips beneath him, beads of sweat forming across both of their bodies as the pair moved in unison.

'That's it Mer...go with it…go with it Mer,' he panted as he began to feel her walls contract as they began to restrict the movement of his cock, and her walls claimed his cock as their own as they held onto it harder with every thrust he made.

'Oh...Ohh...Ohhh…myyyy…Der…Derekkkkk.' she screamed as her orgasm took over her body as she came hard over his cock, her juices drenching his penis as her walls began to relax again, just enough for derek to push again.

The sensation of her juices covering his cock only added to the sensation Derek was experiencing, and as her walls relaxed slightly he pushed again, deep into her wet core, through the wetness that he had created. Her nails dug into his shoulders as he began to pick up rhythm, he was close…so close…

'Oh god Mer...Oh...Oh...' he moaned as he began to feel himself near release,

Reacting to his moans she clenched down through her walls, gripping his cock tight as he exploded into her 'Merrrrr' he called as he came deep into her, his growl enough to tip her over the edge again as his cum shot deep up inside of her, his cum mixing with her juices as she held his cock firmly in place as their panting and moaning continued as he lay his head down on her chest, as she ran her fingers through his dark, moist tresses.

The pair lay in silence a few moments, each listening to the others heart beat as they curled into each other…no words needed…not yet….

As their breathing slowly returned to normal, and their bodies began to recover, Derek lifted his head up and rested it on the palm of his hand, his other hand reaching over and swiping the hair out of Meredith's face as she turned to face him, a small smile resting firmly across her face.

'Are you ok?' he asked as he leant down and pressed a soft kiss to her lips.

'Perfect.' She smiled as she linked her fingers with his and placed them over her own heart. 'I love you. She whispered as she snuggled into the open space his propped up arm vacated, closing the gap between them as much as possible.

'I love you too.' He promised as he pressed a small kiss to the top of her head.

'wanna go again…'


	51. Chapter 48 reverted

Chapter 48 reverted

Derek had been asleep for what seemed like hours as Meredith lay in his arms and listened to the gentle beating of his heart. She had drifted off for a short while after their evening had turned hotter than either of them expected, but it wasn't long before she was awake again, enjoying the quiet and the safety she felt in his arms. Her head rested on his chest as her hair pillowed alongside her face and her fingers played with the dark hairs that adorned his chest. She twirled them rhythmically hoping not to wake him as they had a busy day ahead and needed the sleep, she knew she did too, but at that moment, in the stillness of the early hours of the morning, laid together naked, her bare skin touching his in as many places possible in the position they were in, her legs tangled over his, her foot running up and down his calf slowly she felt more rested than she was sure she would have asleep.

When she was asleep she could still have nightmares, her worries could still run through her mind, when she was asleep she had no control over her thoughts and fears, they invaded her head quickly and caused her great distress, but here, with Derek's breathing and his heart beat vibrating through her body she felt safe.

She was safe.

Last night, and the early morning had been amazing, the way he made her feel was like nothing she had experienced before. She had enjoyed sex with William, it had been beautiful and loving, they had enjoyed a normal healthy sex life, but when he got sick it became the last thing on either of their minds. She hadn't had sex or an orgasm in such a long time…until now…and my god orgasms he gave her. She had felt like she was floating for a time, as if she was watching the events unfold, the way he touched her had sent electrical currents from the tips of her toes to the ends of her hair, he had made her scream like never before, and she was sure when she went to speak later that day her voice would have disappeared.

Derek was so loving, he showered her body in attention, he didn't leave an inch of skin untouched or unkissed, even the thought of his lips on her made her shiver with excitement. As she moved slightly in the bed and tucked herself in closer to his warm body she felt her back ache from all the exertion, and her earlier plans to wake him for more were suddenly diminished as she realised how much the love making had taken out of her.

The sun began to rise gently about an hour later; the trailer slowly flooded with more light and illuminated the now sleeping pair, Meredith's petite frame had finally given into the exhaustion and exertion of the past few hours. A quiet buzzing awoke Derek as he realised his phone was vibrating and he leant over to the bedside table and retrieved it, carefully moving himself from Meredith's grasp, pleased not to wake her. His eyes fell on the alarm clock as 6.04am flashed across the screen before returning to his phone, a text. Bailey.

'_I know it's early but keep your perfect hair in bed that little bit longer, surgery bumped till this afternoon, busy night in the pit.'_

'Thanks for the heads up, and I'm more than just a haircut!'

'_Your hair walks into a room 5 minutes before the rest of you; you are a haircut with surgical skills! I'm assuming Meredith is there too, so sleep, or whatever it is you to get up to in the wilderness, see you at 12!'_

'Dissing the hair 'cause your short…that's just sad!'

'_Think I will go and purchase some hair remover…..'_

'You wouldn't?'

'_Don't tempt me!'_

Derek lay back on the pillows and cast an eye over Meredith's sleeping form as the batting forwards and backwards of texts with Bailey came to a close.

She really was beautiful, he adored her, and loved everything about her, and she had let him in in more ways than he ever imagined. He hoped of course that at some point she would trust him enough to take their relationship to the next level, he would never have pushed her, and last night it had happened, completely naturally, and it had been amazing.

He ran his fingers through her hair as she snored lightly into her pillow, her arm instinctively moving back across his waist, her fingers dangerously close to his cock as his mind wandered back to last night's events. The way her lips had caressed his cock when they had started round 2 had affected him like nothing before, after the frantic love making when they had fell into bed they had decided second time around it had to be slow, savour every moment. And as she had straddled him and ran kisses down his chest and took his cock in her mouth she had made sure not an inch was left untouched, he had grown harder instantly and thought he would explode within minutes, but the way she had taken her time, built him to a peak, was insatiable, they fitted together perfectly, their love making was perfect, this was perfect.

Derek lay reminiscing for a while longer, but it wasn't long before his mind returned to the clinical trial. The clinical trial was her baby, and he was determined to help her make it a success. Two hours later and Derek was still wide awake, his mind had been working over time trying to see what he was missing, the virus cocktail needed something…he was missing something…

He thought he had it, obviously until it was tested there was no definitive answer but he actually thought he had the answer, it was so obvious that they had probably both over looked it for being too easy, for not been aggressive enough, but maybe going back to basics was exactly what this trial needed…

He ran his fingers across Meredith's cheek and into her hair as she began to wake from her slumber; he leaned down and placed a small kiss to her temple before leaning back on one elbow and smiling.

'Hey how long have you been up?' Meredith asked as she turned her head to face Derek's.

'A while, I've been trying to figure out how to adjust the virus cocktail to save our clinical patients.'

'Why are you smiling?' meredith enquired as she leant forwards slightly and brushed her lips against his.

'Cause I figured out how to do it! And once we have this trial cracked we are going to go to the Bahamas and celebrate.'

The pair dissolved into fits of laughter as Derek leant over and kissed Meredith again, her own arms capturing him this time, refusing him permission to move anywhere but on top of her…

Derek and Meredith had arrived at the hospital just before noon and it wasn't long before their thoughts turned to their latest patient. Darren Covington was a Soldier with the US army who had been flown in at his and his platoons request to try and beat the tumour that was increasing in size in his brain. Darren had arrived earlier and meredith had prepped him as soon as she had got to work.

'So run it past me again, just so I'm clear.' Meredith said as the pair examined the latest scans.

'We need to get aggressive with the virus; if we inject the tumour in two sites we can actually saturate it and have a real impact.'

Meredith looked on as Derek led her over to the model he had been working on.

'Now needle number one will go into the tumour here; he pointed out as he positioned the needle into the correct place. 'Needle number two goes right here,' he continued as he pushed it too into the correct resting place.

'Now for the virus to take full affect we have to inject it at exactly the same time.'

'Same time' Meredith whispered as she concentrated on the task at hand.

'Uh huh. You're needle number two. Don't be nervous we are gonna practice, now we use the flurazine to help us isolate the tumour from the surrounding tissue' Derek explained as Meredith looked on in awe as the ___illuminous_ liquid filled the model brain matter and the tumour became visible more so than before.

'Now remember we have to be completely in sync. Let me know when you're ready'

'I'm ready…ok'

'Ok, completely in sync, we can do this.'

The pair remained in the research lab for some time; it was quiet enough to hear a pin drop as the pair concentrated solely on perfecting the technique of two injections at the same time, before making their way to Mr Covington's room to take him down to surgery.

As Meredith and Derek stood in the OR facing the unknown for the second time each shared a look of hope as Derek began to open the space leading into Darren's brain. Derek was a realist, he knew there was still a chance that this wouldn't work, he had spoken on the way to the hospital about not getting her hopes up again and preparing herself for the worst, and once again she had promised she would be ok. But it was impossible not to be affected by this. Either way they were about to open the door to a new life for Darren, or close the one on his currently slightly a jar door, for good. It was a heart-breaking place to be. But a place that needed to be visited if they were ever going to move on and make a difference to medicine.

'Ok remember what I said. We have to be in total sync for the virus to have maximum infiltration. Ok.'

Meredith nodded as she felt her hands begin to shake slightly as the enormity of her role became more apparent. She took the injection between her fingers and supported her right arm with her left to ensure she kept stability of her hands.

'ready….go.' derek whispered as a silence spread across the OR floor, all eyes trained on the pair at the head of the operating table as they slowly began to press down on the plunger and the virus began to make its way into the tumour.

Derek cast an eye over the machine as the percentage of the virus entering the brain crept up, meredith had her own eyes fixed firmly on the screen as she awaited confirmation everything was going to plan.

'Easy slow down….slow down, easy, slow down….look at me, don't look at the machine look at me….slowly.' Derek remained calm as he encouraged Meredith to take it easy on her injection and his soothing voice and support made her relax at once and very soon the percentages began to fall level.

'That's it, that's it.; he encouraged as his eyes locked with Meredith's once again, neither blinking or looking away as the figures neared 100%.

As the machine beeped the pair removed their injections 'the virus is in.' Derek declared as the OR erupted with a round of applause. 'We're standing on the moon doctor Worthington.'

He could tell she was smiling behind her mask, and he felt an ache deep within his heart and a fear that it maybe be dissolved before he had a chance to build on her happiness.

The pair scrubbed out and headed away from the OR as Darren was taken up to ICU for monitoring.

'That was great, totally in sync with one person.' Meredith smiled as she ran a little to catch up with Derek.

'Yeah it was great, you did great.' He smiled as he turned back to face her, a smile across his face as he tried to distinguish any fears over the trial that he had, it could work, it could work.

'Thanks.' Meredith replied, smiling at the praise and support Derek was showing her. 'obviously his inter cranial pressure is going to need to be monitored overnight so if you just tell me the parameters.'

'I'll stay, we can stay together.' He smiled as he looked down at her hopeful face. There was no way he could leave her here alone to deal with this if it did go wrong, professionally she could handle it with her eyes closed, but emotionally, not so much.

Derek had been called away to check out an incoming head trauma in the pit and had left Meredith and the nurse on duty tending to Darren in ICU. His ICP had being fluctuating for a short while now and meredith realised she was going to have to make some decisions herself in Derek's absence.

'Let's give him angelmysin and blood neuro cultures also.' Meredith directed the nurse.

'wanna take a break? I'll sleep here with him?'

'No, I'm ok.' Meredith smiled as she sat herself down on the small chair that lay next to his bed, and waited.

Derek had sprinted back to ICU the minute he had received a page from the nurse but when he had arrived it had already been too late. Mr Covington's lifeless body lay stretched out on the bed as if he was sleeping, but no machines supported him now.

He had gone.

And so had Meredith.

He needed to have some answers to tell her, but he needed to find her too. He had feared something could go wrong, but he had promised himself he would be there to deal with it, and to support her. But she had to watch him die, alone, again…

As soon as preliminary post mortem results were raced through he set off in search of meredith and was surprised to find her so easily, her back to the door meaning he had no way of seeing her reaction, however the slump in her posture showed everything.

'The spinal tap showed encephalitis. The virus reverted.' He stuttered over his words as he stood behind Meredith, desperate for some level of reaction to his words. 'No way could we have predicted this.'

He felt relief wash over him as he heard a loud sigh come from Meredith and she slowly spun around on the bench to face him, her feet straddling either side, a move he took as an opening for him to join her on the seat.

'Last night on the way home when I ran into the store I got this.' He sighed as he held up a bottle of champagne 'I was hoping, unrealistically perhaps that we would be able to celebrate tonight…' he paused as he felt his emotions begin to crack and his attention was drawn to the small tear that had escaped Meredith's eyes.

'but now…it's for when we get it right…because we will, we will succeed, and we will save someone, and when we do we are going to open this bottle of champagne and we are going to drink to Philip Robinson and Darren Covington and all the other patients who helped us change the face of medicine, and we're gonna celebrate.' He smiled as he held the champagne up closer, and let his eyes fall on hers. The tears flowing now for both as their fears for yet another loss became reality….but the hope of succeeding grew stronger once more.

'We are gonna use this as our victory dance….meredith we will….we are going to open this bottle of champagne….'

Meredith forced a small smile out through her tears, no words needed as Derek pulled her into his arms and as she relaxed into his embrace he knew she would be ok….she would be ok…


	52. Chapter 49 friday

**Chapter 49 - Friday**

Meredith and Derek were approaching their fifth and sixth clinical trial patients, and hopefully within the next 48 hours both would have been operated on, they had lost two more patients the previous month after Mr Covington and the effects of which were starting to take effect on both of them. However unlike Mr Covington who died in ICU after the surgery, or Mr Robinson who died on the table, the patients had failed to even get into the OR. One, Mr Landry had passed away in the air ambulance on route from Vancouver, and the other Mrs Aldery had suffered a massive heart attack in her hospital room. So technically the trail hadn't actually failed, the new virus cocktail still remained untested and Derek was increasingly hopeful that he had got it right this time. The past month with the unfortunate loss of the patients had given him an increasing amount of free time, and he had dedicated it to working on the mixture, the new addition of an IL2 compound, a multi strength treatment in attacking aggressive stage four cancers was his hidden gem, or so he hoped. By adding the IL2 he hoped it would give the viral cocktail the extra kick it needed to saturate the tumour and bring about the shrinking they required.

Meredith had been surprisingly resilient since Mr Covington's death, she had worked on paper work and offered her own suggestions to Derek in possible adjustments to the cocktail and had put in many hours in other neuro surgeries in an attempt to widen her understanding of the human brain. She had witnessed and assisted alongside Derek and also Dr Nelson on many cases and was fast becoming the one to watch. The pair had even joked she would put Derek out of a job eventually!

She had been beside him every step of the way, not just in the hospital, but at home too, the pair were inseparable and had only spent one night apart since Mr Covington's death, if anything the trial was helping secure the foundations of their relationship and was helping move it to the next level once again.

Now as he neared the end of his shift he couldn't wait to get back to Meredith's house, today had been her early shift so he had completed all the appropriate paperwork and pre-operative tests on Beth and Jeremy, the latest patients, himself and Meredith had gone home hours earlier to catch up on some sleep. He had felt strange, lonely even as he had spoken through what to expect with the patients but if he was honest he was also confused. Meredith had requested 4 days leave later that week. No explanation, nothing, he wouldn't have even known except he overheard Bailey and the Chief discussing the need to add another resident to the rota for the end of the week due to her absence! He knew the trial was exhausting physically and mentally, but 4 days was a random request for someone so work oriented as meredith, he felt like he was missing something, but he had no idea what!

Cristina arrived at the house after assisting in a bovine valve replacement surgery suffering the kind of high most kids have after eating too much candy. She felt like her blood was fizzing, she had actually got to complete a good third of the procedure herself, she couldn't wait to tell Meredith.

'Mer?' she called as she slammed the door shut, trapping the wind that had been swirling around firmly out and shed her coat, relieved to feel the heat of the house warm her toes as she kicked off her boots.

'In the kitchen.' Alex called back, a move that made Cristina chuckle as she approached the back of the house.

'Unless you had gender reassignment surgery in the last few hours without telling me, then I'm sorry Alexandra you're not the girl I was looking for!'

'What time is it?' Alex asked Cristina the worry evident in his voice, ignoring the joke Cristina had cracked, as he continued to stare through the window into the back yard of the house.

'Nearly 8, why?'

'She has been out there nearly an hour and a half.'

'She? Mer? What's she doing out there its freezing and its really starting to thrash a wind now?'

'I have no idea, I came home and she was just sitting on the couch, no TV on, no music, nothing, I ran up for a quick shower and by the time I got back down she had moved her pew from the couch to the deck.' Alex explained as he nodded his head in the direction of Meredith.

Cristina moved up to stand alongside Alex and allowed herself too to gaze out and take in Meredith's unsettled form. She looked through at a pensive Meredith, her legs crossed and her head resting on one had that was propped up on her knee, her other hand held something but it was getting too dark to make out what it was. She looked so frail and lost in comparison to the furniture that sat on the deck as well, and she had to have been freezing, her ratty Dartmouth T shirt and sweats was all that adorned her body.

'You just left her there? You didn't think to join her? Encourage her to come in?'

'she looks thoughtful, I didn't want to disturb her, you know what she is like when she wants to be alone, even if I'd have gone out there she wouldn't have moved, there would just be two of us freezing our tits off instead of one!'

Cristina threw Alex an amused grin 'tits…are you sure you don't want to tell me something?'

'Not funny.'

'Well we can't just leave her there can we? I mean what is she doing anyway? Cristina sighed as she turned away from the window and leaned her back against the sideboard.

'I don't know what else we can do to be honest? It's this trial it has to be, she isn't strong enough for any more losses.' Alex pointed out as he too leant back onto the side board.

'She has suffered more heartache then anyone I know, first William, then the trial patients she has already…' cristina stopped mid flow in her conversation as things began to fall into place and realization began to spread across her face.

'What…what is it?' Alex enquired as he noticed her demeanour alter before his eyes, 'is it Mer, is she ok?'

'How did I miss it?'

'Miss what? What are you talking about?' Alex asked the urgency evident in his voice as he took a step closer to Cristina in the vain hope of an answer.

'What day is it?'

'I don't see what that's got to do with…'

'Alex what god dam day is it.'

'The 14th, Monday the 14th.'

'Crap!'

'Crap? Do you think you could elaborate a little on crap?'

'It's Friday…'

'No it's definitely Monday.'

'Not today you moron….Friday….Friday would be Williams birthday.' She spoke softly as she ran her fingers through her loose black curls and turned back to focus on what was important…meredith.

'Where the hell did she go?'

The pair looked on aghast as they realised she was now missing from the deck, the back door remained closed so she hadn't snuck in without anyone noticing…

Cristina made a dash for the back yard and began to shout Meredith's name out into the night, and Alex followed suit with a flash light, scanning the rest of the grassed area and finding it empty.

She had gone!

The pair failed to hear the front door go, or Derek's footsteps out onto the deck.

'What are you doing?' he asked, making the pair jump as they turned around and noticed the doctor looking down on them, illuminated from the kitchen light shining through the window.

'Nothing…urm…nothing.'

'So you have taken up crawling around the night in the dark…? Hey did Mer get called into the hospital? Paged?'

'What makes you say that?'

'Well I'm pretty certain I just saw her speeding off as I turned into the street, so I was wondering if something big was going down?'

'Speeding…she left…' Cristina gulped as she made her way towards the deck.

As she became closer to the light Derek could see the worry etched on her face. 'Where's she gone cristina?'

'I…I…'

'Cristina?' he snapped, desperate for an answer.

'Dude, she's gone ok, she's gone…'

'Gone? What do you mean gone? Where the hell is she?'

'one minute, well for nearly 2 hours she was just sat pretty much where you're standing now, and then the next minute she had gone, in an instant.'

'I don't understand, she knew I was coming back here, it must be the hospital, and they paged….'

'They didn't page, I've got her pager right here, she left it in her locker so I brought it back in case there were any developments with the trial patients overnight.' Cristina whispered as she held the pager out for Derek to see.

'Did we run out of tequila? Ice cream? Frozen pizza?' Derek asked desperately, hoping to fathom an answer to his girlfriend's sudden disappearance.

'No, No and no. i stocked up yesterday.' Alex stated

'Do you know what today is…or more to the point what Friday is?' Cristina said bluntly as she placed her hand onto Derek's shoulder as she moved next to him.

'Friday?'

'So she hasn't mentioned anything to you? Nothing at all?'

'Anything to do with what? '

'William?'

'We have spoken about him, you know that…'

'Lately though, has she said anything?'

'Well, no, come to think about it she hasn't…'

'for god sake cristina get to the point, she could be anywhere, dude, Friday would be Williams birthday, I forgot, cristina forgot, you were oblivious to the fact, so I'm guessing she is trying to deal with the fact that he won't be around to celebrate it all on her own..'

'His birthday…Friday…four days… she booked it off…no word, nothing.' Derek felt like the air was been pushed out of his lungs as the fear of what this meant for Meredith slowly became dawned on him.

'She isn't at work on Friday?' Alex asked as Cristina gasped as reality dawned on her to what that meant.

'You didn't know? I overheard Bailey and the Chief earlier saying how they had to get cover for the weekend as Meredith had the long weekend booked off…'

'Boston, she is going to Boston.' Cristina said calmly as Alex and Derek both turned to face her.

'Now?' Alex enquired as he raised one eye brow.

'No not now, Friday, why else would she book the long weekend, she promised…'

'Promised?' Both Derek and Alex asked in unison.

'She promised herself after William died and after she agreed to move out here that she would go back to the grave so he wasn't alone for his birthday or their anniversary, and to mark his passing, her biggest fear was that he would be alone…she didn't want him to be alone'

Derek sat down on the edge of the deck, quickly followed by the other two, the three people who cared about Meredith more than anything united in confusion to where she was now…if Boston was Friday then why would she run…

'She has to be at the trailer.' Derek said softly after a few moments of quiet, Cristina and Alex both turning their heads in his direction as he continued. 'I mean she HAS to be at the trailer, I have no idea where else to look…' a slight sob escaped as his fear for Meredith began to gnaw away in the pit of his stomach.

'Joes. She could have gone to Joes, I'm gonna go look.' Alex said as he jumped up from the deck and made his way back inside 'call me if there's any news.'

'And you call us if she is there, before you make a move on some poor unsuspecting nurse…'

'Deal' he called as they heard the door slam and the vibrations shatter through the house.

'Come on...'

Derek looked on confused as Cristina rose from the space next to him and held out her hand as if to pull him up.

'On where?'

'the trailer, well you…you can head to the trailer, it makes sense she has to have headed out there, I will call the hospital and see if she has rocked up there, then I'll sit here and wait, in case she comes back, or to intercept calls from the pair of you…'

'But.'

'No buts.'

'She obviously wants space I don't want to...'

'Derek Shepherd get your ass in that car and go and find her.' Cristina snapped as she hauled him up from his seat, nearly sending herself back onto the deck, before she steadied herself.

'But...'

'Don't make me say it again, no buts. Do you love her?'

'Of course…'

'Then go…'

'Bu…'

'You don't leave the people you love alone Derek….'

_The problem with being a resident is, you feel crazy all the time.  
You haven't slept in years.  
You spend every day around people in massive crisis.  
You lose your ability to judge what's going on.  
For yourself or anyone else.  
And yet people are constantly asking you to tell them how they're doing.  
How the hell are you supposed to know?  
You don't even know how you're doing._


	53. Chapter 50 im right here

**Chapter 50 I'm right here**

He had been late.

That was one of the many thoughts that were crashing around in his brain as he started his desperate search for Meredith. He had text and told her to expect him at 7, not that she had replied, but then he had needed to check on a few more patients, and got caught up with the chief over pushing for more time to make the trail a success, the board were apprehensive that the idea in principle was revolutionary, but in practice just not practical.

So he had stayed and fought his case well, he presented some new evidence that supported the fact that the addition of the IL2 really could really make a difference. He had left with the promise that the two patients could go ahead, and one more if need be…but it was succeed or walk away…but they still had some time.

So yes he had been late, but he was certain that it was better to be late with the news that they could carry on then turn up on time with the news that the plug had being pulled on their possible break through.

So he had been late, he had told her he was on his way and then he hadn't turned up when she expected, she was probably mad on top of everything else!

Derek's heart was practically in his mouth as it repeatedly crashed into his rib cage. He was sure someone was in there attacking it with a drum stick. It was beating so fast as he made his way down the road towards the ferry terminal, weaving in and out of the traffic in urgency to be reunited with Meredith. His foot pressed down further on the accelerator…he had to find her…

She had ran.

If he was honest he actually had no idea where she had fled too, he was pinning all his hopes on the trailer, it was her sanctuary, but an apprehension deep down in the pit of his stomach had him worrying that perhaps the trailer was too obvious!

If she was running did she really want to be found? Would she go to the one place she knew he would think of? Would she allow it to be that easy? She had been home for hours yet she chose the moment she had being expecting him home to run. She was avoiding him.

He glanced down at the clock, he had 4 minutes to make it to the ferry, or risk having to wait another half an hour, and he had to make it. He could see the terminal in the distance and thanked his lucky stars that the road was quiet up ahead, if he could just get on to that ferry then he would be so close to knowing if she was ok, from holding her….

He slowed as the ramp became closer and he edged his way up onto the back of the ferry, threw on the hand brake and made his way to the deck, his eyes scanning the other cars on board in hope of seeing Meredith's. He knew this was a long shot, she would have probably have made the earlier ferry due to the lack of the traffic on the road but he couldn't help but prey that she may be on board. He walked the length of the car store to no avail, there was no sign…she wasn't on board…

She would be at the trailer…right.

As he stood up on the deck and took in the view of the city he was leaving behind he couldn't help but fear for his future with Meredith.

The ferry journey went relatively quickly, and before he knew it he was on route to the trailer, desperate to find her….

Derek stood in the middle of his land facing his trailer, his was the only car that adorned the grass track, the trailer remained locked…she wasn't there…she wasn't there!

He knew birthdays and anniversaries would be tough, he knew that himself from a young age, and as he racked his brains he tried to remember how he had reacted the first time his dads birthday had come around yet wasn't there to celebrate…

'_Derek…Derek…' Carolyn Shepherd called up the stairs to try and get her sons attention, he had been quiet all week, in anticipation for what today would bring, and she was worried. As much as the prospect of celebrating her husband's birthday without him petrified her, she was as concerned for the welfare of her son._

_He had watched him bleed out right in front of his eyes, he had refused the counselling sessions and refused to talk about anything…apart from the night 2 weeks ago when he had appeared downstairs in the middle of the night and snuggled into the side of her and whispered he missed him…_

_It had broken her heart all over again to hear her son break down, the realisation that his father was never coming back perhaps finally sinking in._

_She had made the decision to have her family altogether, it had been 6 months since Michael's passing and she needed her people around her. Today would have been his birthday, and she was determined to mark it in some way, she was adamant it wouldn't be like he never existed._

_So she had breakfast ready for her family, and as everyone sat around the table waiting for Derek to join them she had decided to go up and bring her son down, as hard as it was, she needed everyone together,_

'_Derek everyone is waiting, it's all going co…' she stopped in her tracks as she pushed open his door and noticed the empty room, his window wide open and the curtains blowing in the wind!_

_He had run…_

_The family had gone into panic, this wasn't Derek, he didn't tend to run…but losing his dad had changed him, he was unrecognisable to his former self, he was…different…_

_It was 2 hours before it dawned on Carolyn where her son was. How she hadn't thought of it before was beyond her. The family had searched various places with no success when she had an idea as to where he may have gone. She left Kathleen in charge back at the house ensuring everyone had some food, albeit a few hours late as she made her way to the place she was certain she would find him._

_As she pulled up outside the graveyard, the scene of the heartache she felt her own heart tighten in her chest as her mind raced back to the fateful evening when she was told her husband had died, shot for his watch…it would never get any easier, but she had to hold it together for her family…for her boy…he was a mess…._

_As she walked up towards the gate she noticed in the distant the familiar form of her son, his body leaning on the side of her husband's headstone. She approached quietly as she cast her eyes down to his broken form, sobs taking control of his body, his shoulders shaking as he either didn't know his mother was behind him, or he chose to ignore her further. Her own eyes welled with tears as her heart broke for the loss of her husband, and the loss of the son she once knew._

_He would get through this, he had to, he would come out stronger, changed forever, but stronger…he would._

'_Derek.' She motioned quietly as she placed her hand on his wild, wayward curls and patted the side of his face as she sat herself down beside him, the cold of the floor making her shiver, as she placed her arm around her son and pulled him in close._

_She relaxed as he didn't put up a fight, and she felt him melt into the side of her, his body moving in next to his mother's as he let the sobs continue, seeking comfort from his mother's familiar embrace._

'_It's ok…it's ok' she soothed as she felt her son begin to relax._

'_I'm sorry' he sobbed…'I know how much you wanted to...'_

'_Sssshhh its ok, I promise its ok. I'm just glad I found you.'_

'_I didn't think you would.'_

'_It took a while but then I realised this was it…'_

'_This was the last place…'_

'_I know Derek I know...'_

'_This was the last place you told me that you loved me, I just need to feel loved'_

_Her heart broke once again as her son dissolved in her arms, _

_He needed to feel loved…_

As he returned behind the wheel it dawned on him where she might be…if she was anything like him, then he had an idea…

A quick text to Cristina asking her to check something out for him left him anticipating an answer as he retraced his route back to the ferry. His quick turnaround meant he was in luck and he made the ferry for its return journey, as he drove up the ramp he received the text he had been hoping for…

Yes.

He stayed in the car this time as the ferry made its way back over Elliot bay, he was close to the exit so I wasn't long before he was making his way back along the familiar roads he knew so well.

As he turned into the car park of the hospital he found the first available space and ran inside.

Cristina had put in a call to the chief and apparently Meredith had been spotted arriving close on an hour ago…she was in the hospital.

His heart raced as he rode in the elevator to the one place he hoped she would be…

As the doors sprang open he saw Cristina pacing the floor in front of his office.

'Is she?'

'Yeah' she motioned as she took a step towards the window and looked in.

Derek stood alongside Cristina and his heart broke at the sight before him.

She lay curled up in a ball on his couch, her tear stain cheeks were flushed with exhaustion, and a lab coat…his…covered her frame, her arms engulfing it holding it close.

'Thank you.' He whispered to Cristina as he moved towards the door.

'For what?'

'Finding her, but leaving her too…thanks you.'

'She needs you, anyone can see that.' She smiled as she placed a friendly hand in Derek's shoulder and encouraged him to enter the room.

She sat down on the chair outside the office, giving the pair their privacy, but remaining close enough to be there for Meredith or Derek if they needed her.

He approached the couch and heard the gentle lull of her snores. She was exhausted.

There was enough space alongside her body to slide in beside her. He stretched his body the full length of hers and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in close to his chest.

Even though asleep she responded at once, burying her head into his, his familiar hold rousing her enough to realise she was no longer alone.

'You're ok, you're ok.' He whispered into her hair as he breathed in the accustomed aroma of lavender. 'I've got you its ok.'

'You…you were…'

'I know what it is Mer, Cristina she figured it out…'

'You're late, you were late.' She sobbed as she pushed her head in deeper to his chest.

'I know I'm sorry, the chief pulled me into a meeting before I had chance to call again.

'It's not ok.'

'Meredith talk to me, what is this?'

'I don't want to be alone. You were late, and you weren't there and I had to think about William not getting to celebrate his birthday, and I thought I could get through it, because you were nearly home, but you didn't come, you weren't home…I don't want to be alone.'

'Oh Mer, I'm so sorry, I never meant to be late, I promise you that, i was coming I swear.'

'You. You didn't know, that's my fault, I should have told you.' She sobbed as she sat up from the couch and pulled Derek up too, the pair leaning back on the cushions as he wiped the stray hair from her face.

'How did you know I was here?'

'I didn't not a first, I assumed trailer, I always think trailer, so I raced over there, but on route I got thinking, about days like today after I lost my dad, about the heartache I felt, but also about the things I needed to pull me through.'

'I'm sorry…'

'Love…'

'Love?'

'when my dad died I fled to the last place my mom told me she loved me, his grave side…and this morning before you went home you came up here to say goodbye, and I kissed you, quick, like a habit, like we would do it every day for the rest of our lives…'

'You told me you loved me...' Meredith smiled as her eyes locked with his. 'I wanna let you in, be better, and this is me trying, evolving some more. Today seemed an impossible day, yet as I sat at the back of the house all I could think of was being with you, that's why I left. I didn't run…I went to find you.'

'I'm right here.'


	54. Chapter 51 six

**Chapter 51 six**

After he had found Meredith in his office and persuaded her to head back to the house with him he had had no sleep. Instead he had held her all night, soothing her back as she silently cried in her sleep, her body jerking and straining with what he could only assumed was a nightmare running through her mind, his kisses to the top of her head gently rousing her from her worry, before drifting back off again. He had just watched her every movement, the rise and fall of her chest, the way her eyes scrunched up as her mind flickered, and his heart had almost skipped a beat every time, even in her sleep she had reached out for him.

She really didn't want to be alone.

So she would be ok with this, he had taken a risk and he prayed to God that she didn't hate him for it.

One day.

They had one day to try and make a difference in this clinical trial.

Two patients.

They had two patients to try and save, two patients who knew each other and cared for each other and would do anything for one another.

Three days

They had just over 48 hours until Meredith was due to fly out east to visit Williams's grave and his family and more than anything he wanted her to be heading away from the trial with success under her belt, not further devastation.

Four hundred dollars.

He had just booked a one way ticket on the same flight as Meredith, and this way he could be whatever she needed him to be, he could support her in Boston, or at the very least be a drive or short flight away in New York visiting his family, but at least he would be on the same coast, and he could book his return back when he knew Meredith was OK.

Five consecutive weekends

He now had five consecutive weekends to look forward to working on his return, after ringing the chief and pleading to alter his rotation, and then doing the same again with nelson, even promising to reimburse him for the golfing weekend he had just purchased, nelson had bartered hard, and as a result he now had relentless weekends and grave yards shifts to look forward to…or not!

Six minutes

Was exactly the length of time he had before Meredith would arrive in his office and he would break the news he was going with her…the longest six minutes of his life. She hadn't run…she would be ok with this… Right. As he sat tapping his credit card on the desk he continued to stare at the computer screen as he waited for his confirmation and boarding pass to come through, his heart racing at the prospect of making…or breaking their relationship.

She had contemplated asking him when he had found her in his office, but he was a brain surgeon and brain surgeons couldn't just take four days off at the drop of a hat, he would have patients to see, surgeries scheduled, and he probably wasn't even due any holidays so she would have to do this alone…she really had no choice.

And as she had fallen asleep in his arms a couple of days earlier, and felt the security he offered her she had all but had to sellotape her mouth closed not to ask him, he wouldn't be able to come. So she had tried to put the enormity of what she had to do to the back of her mind and concentrate on the clinical trial, and the new hope that Derek had indeed finally cracked the cocktail…IL2…it had to work.

It had too.

But she just couldn't forget it; she couldn't let it go…

With every step she took closer to his office she couldn't help but think she would never know if he could come or not if she didn't ask.

One chance

She had one chance to ask him, yes or no, she could ask him, and deal with his answer.

Two possible successes

They had to be successful today, the trial was on the cusp of success and if this could be a success her faith in hope could be restored.

Three hours since she had seen him.

She had walked into the hospital with him, but she had been paged to cover the pit with Alex and a quick peck on the cheek before she ran off was the last contact she had with him for three hours.

Four days.

She planned to stay in Boston four days, four days wasn't a UN reasonable request for time off from the hospital, not really, he wasn't the only neuro surgeon in the hospital, he had Nelson do plenty of surgeries for him, and the chief too had asked Nelson and his team to step in the past. So maybe he would be ok with four days?

Five minutes.

Five minutes was all it would take to book him a ticket regardless of him having the holiday requested? The chief couldn't turn down the request if she had the paper in her hand, could he? She looked at her phone in her hand, and shoved it back into the pocket of her lab coat, she had to speak to him first, she had to think before she did anything, and she had to look into his eyes as she asked him, to really know.

Six hours.

Instead of worrying and hurting for the entire six hour flight to Seattle, she would be able to talk to Derek, let him in that little bit more, he could hold her hand as she began to panic as the familiar city landscape came into view from the window of the plane, he would know what to say, and wouldn't judge her if she cried. The closer she got to his office, the more convinced she was. She needed him, she couldn't do this without him, and she prayed to god he would be ok with this.

She stopped outside his door, took herself a deep breath, and walked in.

Derek jumped as Meredith walked in, and quickly closed the window on the computer to prevent her from seeing what was currently displayed on the screen, a move that didn't go unnoticed by meredith as she gave him a quizzical look before walking over to the desk and placing both her hands down on it and leaning over to press a small, delicate caress to his nervous lips.

'Meredith I need to...'

'No please, you don't need to do anything, well apart from listen, I need you to listen. So please just sit there and shut up and listen, and if you hate what I'm about to say and think I'm crazy then please be nice in how you let me down, but if I don't do this now, then I'm never going to, and I wasn't going too, I know it's ludicrous, but here I am doing It anyway!'

'are you ok?' he asked as he took in the sight of his girlfriend's shaking form before him, and began to wonder why she was outwardly displaying the same nerves as he was feeling internally.

'yes I'm ok, or I will be, so I'm just going to say it, and if you want to run or avoid then I understand, I wrote the rule book on avoiding, but please before you say you can't think about it ok.?'

'Urm…ok…' he stuttered wondering what on earth was about to come out of her mouth.

'I'm going to Boston, in just over 2 days' time I will be on a flight back to the city that broke my heart and left me worried that there was no future for me, and I'm scared, I'm petrified of what the city holds for me, and I'm worried about what state I will come back in, to you, I'm worried I won't be the same person once I board that plane, and I want to get better, I want to be ok, I want us to be ok.

'Meredith...'

'and its gonna be emotional, and hard and … I'm probably going to be an absolute mess for four days and your probably going to want to fly back to Seattle the minute we touch down and I'm just kind of hoping that you might be able to see past the crazy..'

'Meredith…meredith stop. Did you just say?'

'What? This isn't listening Derek, I'm talking and your talking so you're not listening.'

'Meredith stop…are you saying what I think your saying?' he grinned as he stood up from the desk and walked around to the same side of the desk as Meredith.

'And Boston is nice and it's near your mom, and maybe you could see her too if you wanted to leave me and my problems in Boston but what I'm trying to say is….'

Meredith didn't have time to finish her sentence as Derek cut her off with a kiss. He pushed his lips against hers as he took her head in his hands and pushed her hair back out of her face and continued to kiss her. Meredith fought it initially desperate to do what she went there to do, but it wasn't long before the feel of his hands running through her hair and his soft lips on his melted her and she gave into the kiss, and deepened it herself by pulling him closer and wrapping her own hands around his neck.

The minute she made contact with him he scooped her up and placed her on the edge of his desk, parting her legs and position ing himself between her and his lips made contact with hers once again.

'Yes.'

'Yes?'

'Yes I will come to Boston with you; there is nowhere else I'd rather be.' He smiled as he ran his fingers down her neck and onto her shoulders before carefully beckoning for her to turn a little.

'But how?'

'I don't think you breathed once in that speech Meredith, and somewhere in there was the mention of flying back to Seattle, and well, let's just say I'm mystic meg or something.'

'mystic what?' she asked as she felt her heart rate slowly return to normal as the reality of his words set in…yes.

'I was kind of hoping to talk to you about this myself today anyway.' He continued as he reached over and turned the computer screen round to face them both. He pressed a button on the key board and the screen flashed into life.

No words were needed as he pointed to the screen.

BOARDING PASS

He watched the tears well up in her eyes almost instantly as her eyes scanned the text in front of her and one of the first entirely genuine smiles he had ever seen stretched across her face and he knew it was ok.


	55. Chapter 52 alive

hya im so so sorry about the wait, this was ahrd chapter to write and im not 100% happy but I feel bad for not updating so im giving it to you anyway!

hope you like it...

some evnts are 'borrowed' from shonda and co...hope they dont mind, but somethings I felt a desperate need to change too

more soon i promise

Gem x

**Chapter 52 alive.**

Great surgeons aren't made. They're born. It takes gestation, incubation, and sacrifice. A lot of sacrifice. But after all the blood and guts and gooey stuff is washed away, that surgeon you become: totally worth it.

As the pair walked side by side down towards their patients rooms their hands gently brushed against each other's and allowed just enough contact to give the other the strength they needed to get through what lay ahead.

Two surgeries, two patients, who also happened to be in love and who were also the last people alive in their support group, the final two who hoped and prayed that they could come through this and move into the future together, and not leave one to pick up the pieces of the failure.

It had to work.

They were in love.

Meredith had completed earlier checks on the patients, Derek however was yet to put faces to the names, and as he walked in he was faced with the beautiful young face of Beth Monroe, 18, his youngest clinical trial patient yet, and he couldn't help but feel nervous at the prospect of what lay ahead.

She was so young.

'Is this him?' Beth asked Meredith with a grin as her parents helped her sit up in bed.

'Him? Derek enquired as he looked over at Meredith confused by the comment.

'Oh she has a pet name for you.' Meredith smirked before Beth cut her off.

'Yeah the Seattle Grace brain butcher!'

'Oh…that's me' Derek replied unsure of what to say in response,  
Was that really what people were saying about him? Did they think he was a murderer…?

'Dr Shepherd…Derek?' Meredith stepped closer to him to regain his attention

'Urm. Sorry, yes.'

Meredith shot him a concerned look, but a small smile in return eased her fears that he was flaking out before her eyes. She needed him to be strong, he had this!

'Hi, I'm Dr Shepherd, and you already know Dr Worthington.' He said as he shook hands with Beth's patients before reaching out towards Beth too.

'Oh the hands just for show,' she joked as she offered her left hand up to him instead, her right arm lying paralyzed, the tumour pressing on her nerves in its current position making the whole right side of her body reluctant and unable to move.

'So tell me how does this work?'

'You're going to inject a live virus into her tumour?' Beth's father asked as he rubbed his daughters head, not wasting a minute of contact with his little girl.

'yes.'

'And that's safe?' her mother questioned, her face displaying the tell-tale signs of fear and exhaustion.

'The virus is still in the testing stage, I've made some adjustments that I hope will destroy the tumour.'

'Hey tumour destroyer.' Beth laughed as Meredith looked on, this poor girl was facing a future of uncertainty but here she was still smiling and cracking jokes, she had hope.

Derek gave her hope, they had that in common!

'Has this ever worked before?' her mother asked and it was Meredith who surprised herself by speaking up.

'No.'

'So I'm your lab right…if this works my name will go down in the name of some medical books, its kind of cool.'

'Not if I beat you too it.'

Everyone in the room looked round at the sudden presence of a new voice in the room.

'Dr Shepherd, this is Jeremy, he is your other clinical trial patient, and the love of Beth's life.' Meredith smiled as she saw Beth's face light up as he walked into the room.

'You could still back out.' He said softly as he approached her bed and leant down to kiss her softly on the lips.

'And break our pact, never…come here some more.' She laughed as she wrapped her hands around her boyfriend and allowed her lips to have a little bit too much contact for the others in the room to remain comfortable.

'Young love huh?' Derek joked as he stood next to Beth's father.

'Yeah, they have been together a long time now, they met when they were both being treated at Mayo, not long after Beth was first diagnosed, even in his darkest moments, regardless of his own pain, he always managed to keep her smiling, to keep my little girl looking to the future, he is like a son to me, his own family didn't stick around once he turned 18, she is all he has. Two peas in a pod.'

Derek took stock of what he was hearing; Jeremy ignored his own pain and problems to look out for the women that he loved, would do anything for her…

'If something happens Dr Shepherd, if he doesn't survive Beth won't want to live, she has to want to fight to stay alive.

He knew that feeling well. He only had one priority these days, Meredith.

Meredith and Derek stood in silence, as they waited to take Jeremy down to surgery. Beth and Jeremy were left alone in their room for a few moments to have some time together before their surgeries.

As she looked on through the glass and saw the pair embrace she couldn't keep hold of the tear that tears that had built up in her eyes. The small movement of her hand to brush the tears off her cheek was enough to draw Derek's attention away from the window and back to the women he loved.

He stepped towards her and ran his thumbs under her eyes as he kissed the tears away, 'if this is too much?'

'No...No I want to be in there, it's just…Goodbye…it's such a heart-breaking word'

'I no…we have to believe this isn't good bye Meredith, more see you later…we can do this.'

'Don't make promises you can't keep Derek.'

'I'm not promising, but I'm hopeful, hope means a lot doesn't it?'

'It does…it does.' She smiled as she leant up and kissed him lightly on the lips.  
The pair moved back into the room to take Jeremy to surgery.

'So I'll see you after your surgery.' Jeremy promised as he held Beth's hand in his.

'Alright see ya!' Beth said, her voice beginning to break as the trolley was wheeled into the room. 'Wait… what if you die?'

'I won't.'

'What if I die?'

'You won't.'

'Ok but…. You changed my life Jeremy West. You made it better, you made it brighter, full of Joy and if I die…'

'Don't you dare die…Ok…we're not finished yet. I'm not finished loving you.'

The pair kissed as Derek moved up beside Meredith and places his hand on the base of her back, a small gesture that told her so much, and offered her so much support. He pressed a small kiss to the side of her head before he whispered…'see, they didn't say goodbye, it isn't goodbye.'

'I hope so.' She managed to reply, before taking his hand in hers for a second, before dropping it and heading out of the room.

'I'll see you in the OR, I just need a minute.'

'Ok.' He smiled, his heart strings being pulled in all directions…

It had to work; he would break her forever if it didn't, as well as the pair currently gripping tightly to each other at the side of the room.

It had to work.

Derek had scrubbed in and was preparing the first cut when Meredith walked in.

'I'm sorry I just needed to...'

'It's fine; we are just getting started…' He smiled, and his eyes lit up as his view met with Meredith's and he searched her orbs for signs of fear…but he saw none, she had taken the time she needed to compose herself and she was ok, she really was ok.

'Are you nervous?'

'A little'

'can't you feel it?'

'What?

'The majesty of life saving.'

'When did you become an optimist?'

'When I met you.'

'Trying to move forward?'

'With you…yes'

'It's a beautiful night to save lives.'

Meredith couldn't believe how lucky she was. Just when everything in her future seemed so desolate and bleak she had met Derek. He had pulled her out of the darkness, given her a reason to live again, given her hope for the future and right at this moment he was restoring all her faith in medicine and what miracles it could conjure up.

Jeremy West was in recovery, unconscious which was to be expected…but he was holding steady. Her initial research and ideas had come together with the brilliance that Derek created in surgery and his determination to master the virus…and he was alive…

They had done this.

'You ok?'

'Better than ok.'

'There is still a long way to go Mer, but right now, for the first time, I think we have got it, we have got it.' He smiled as he took her face in his hand and pressed his lips to hers, so much electricity radiated off a small touch, and as he moved from her lips he moved up to her cheeks and kissed away the tears that were streaming down her face, for once tears of joy and ecstasy, but before he knew it she was returning the favour, in his need to look after her he failed to notice that his own emotions had come to the forefront, the pain of the failures had been replaced by a new feeling, one of great hope and possibility.

He had done this for her…

love it hate it...please let me know xx


	56. Chapter 53 grey

Chapter 53 – Grey

Derek stared through the Perspex glass as Jeremy lay in ICU hooked up to respirators and heart monitors. With every second, minute and hour that passed and Jeremy stayed alive the closer they were to saying that this was working, that they had found a cure and could give people who before now were faced with an increasingly nearing date with death a chance of a future.

Jeremy was holding steady, he was fighting this with every inch of love and hope that ran through his blood stream. He had something to fight for, someone.

Derek had already realised that the first two hours after the virus was infiltrated would be the most crucial, the difference between life and death, and now, with the hands of the clock about to move towards the second hour he couldn't help but to allow him a new feeling of success, of optimism that they had done this!

He had asked Meredith to go along and inform Beth's parents of the outcome so far, and to bring Beth down to surgery so he had better hurry if he was going to make miracles again today.

It had worked for Jeremy, Jeremy was, at the moment his only success, he needed Beth to be the same. He needed this virus to attack Beth's tumour in the same way it was obviously attacking Jeremy's.

Failure wasn't an option.

His thoughts returned to Meredith as he reflected on the way she had practically skipped down the corridor towards Beth's room, he had seen a new found confidence, a new belief, and a new sign of hope in her and there was no way he wanted to take that away again – he had no idea if she could survive any more devastation. All the research, all the fatalities, all the hurt and failure they had endured along the way would all be worth it if Beth's surgery was a success too. As great and as rewarding Jeremy was, it wasn't enough, one patient needed to become two, three, endless…. This had to be sustainable.

As he made his way down to the OR he couldn't help but feel nervous once again, he wasn't God, there was no way of knowing how this would turn out. Who was to say what worked for one patient would work for another. Meredith would be walking into that OR on cloud 9, and as excited as he was that they were about to change the face of medicine forever he couldn't hide the fear and worry that was beginning to build in the pit of his stomach once again…his fear of breaking Meredith and ending a young innocent girls life….it just didn't bear thinking about.

As he entered the scrub room he was relieved to see Meredith already in there, scrubbing in and preparing for Beth's surgery, she was lost in her own thoughts and didn't hear the door open, then close, or his approach to the side of her. Her eyes never failing to leave the OR, to leave Beth.

'Hey.' He forced a smile as he moved along side of her and reached out for the soap pack that sat to the side of the large, stainless steel sink.

'Hey'. Meredith said, a slight nervousness to her voice as Derek's presence broke her from her day dream 'You ok?' she enquired as she allowed herself to look away from the glass and up to Derek, his face carrying his fears or all to see. 'Its not Jeremy is it?' she panicked as she tried to read the worry.

'No, no its not Jeremy, he is fighting, with every minute that passes he is growing stronger and I'd be hopeful he may even wake before the end of the day, but it's the brain, it always takes longer to heal so there are no guarantees when!'

'But you're not ok?'

'I will be.'

'But?'

'I didn't say but.'

'No but your face did.' She said as she moved a step closer and placed her hand over his in the water and pulled him slightly towards her.

'You will need to scrub in again.' he smiled as he allowed his fingers to interlock with hers.

'And so will you…but you look like you need to talk, and I find it easier to talk to you when there is contact, when I can feel you in my hands. So here I am, in your hands…so talk…its easier or something.'

Derek took a deep breath and allowed his piercing blue stare to meet with hers, as green met blue there was almost a colour prism reflected across the room, the spark that was illuminated within each of them grew stronger every time their eyes met. The pair of them carried the hopes and fears within their glass orbs, their stories written on their Iris' for all to see…neither could hide it, especially from each other.

'I'm scared, scared that I'm not good enough. As a brain surgeon I can talk the talk, and dream up these radical techniques but this clinical trial is making me a failure and at this moment in time Jeremy West is carrying mine, and your hopes with him, if he dies I feel like a little piece of myself will too, but even more so I feel like a huge piece of you will, what will you have to fight for? And Beth…if Beth dies then I will be failing her, Jeremy, her family…You. I fail you over and over again…'

'Derek stop, you can't think like that, it worked with Jeremy, through all the darkness and the worry it worked, and we will get it right with Beth again. Don't let your fear hold you back from believing in this. It's natural to be wary, to be scared, my heart is racing so fast now that I'm surprised you cant physically see my gown shaking…if we didn't have fear then we wouldn't be real, fear is what makes us grounded and realistic…you have taught me that, and as for failing me, you couldn't be further from the truth, your inspire me to move forwards, to have hope…'

'When did you get so wise?' he smiled as he ran his thumbs over the top of her hands, taking solace in the contact of her skin. 'You're rubbing off on me.' She grinned as she stepped in closer and freed her hands and ran them up his arms. 'You already need to rewash so a little more contact won't hurt.' She whispered as she ran her finger tips gently along his forearms, relieved to feel his body relax underneath of her.

'you taught me to look forwards Derek, to lean into the fear... before today we were disheartened and scared and all but ready to walk away because it didn't work. But today it did, it did work, this is new to us, it's a feeling we always wanted but feared would never come…we need to grasp this; it's what we have been waiting for. You haven't failed me, not once.'

The pair returned to scrub in, no more words needed as each prepared themselves for what was about to happen…

Derek walked into the OR with Meredith's words ringing in his ears, today it worked…and it could work again but he had to make sure this was what Beth wanted; he owed her the chance to back out now…

'You know you don't need to do this.' He spoke softly from behind his surgical mask as he approached the table and looked down at Beth.

'Come on, what are you…scared?' Beth smiled from the table, her own eyes sparkling as the light shone down from the room.

'Yes.' Derek replied sincerely as his eyes met Beth's, her own expression mirroring his fear, his own heart sinking slightly as he instantly regretted his honesty.

'Me too, but Jeremy – the love of my life is fighting to beat this so we can be together, so I'm not about to quit this race, he is my reason to fight. So let's just leap. Ok?' she smiled.

'Ok.'

'She's holding steady.' Meredith pointed out as they stood alongside Beth's bed in the ICU both pair of eyes fixed firmly on the monitors for signs of a problem.

'The ICP is 13, we'll see.' He said, his head still refusing to let go of the fear that had been building throughout the trial

'Derek, she is still alive.' Meredith smiled as she placed her hand on his shoulder, 'we've gotten this far, she is still alive.'

'For how long?'

'Derek…'

'You can go.'

'Ill stay with her.'

'I'll do it, you can go.'

'I'm not going to leave you alone Derek, because you know, as well as I do, that being alone isn't at all what it's made out to be, if you think I'm going to leave you here to stare at the monitors, or run between Beth's and Jeremy's beds all night then your mistaken, very much mistaken. You don't leave the people you love alone…'

'Can you just check on Jeremy? Then come back? I'd like it if you came back.' He smiled, and leant up to brush a stray strand of hair away from her face.

'I've got a better idea.' She smiled as she leant up on her tip toes and pressed a quick brush of her lips against his before leaving the room, and leaving Derek to pace the floor and wait…

It didn't take long for Meredith to organise the ICU staff, it was a matter of minutes before Jeremy's bed and machines were carefully being rolled to the room opposite Beth's, only separated by the glass screen between the rooms.

Derek looked on at the commotion as he saw Meredith signalling the route to swing the bed into its bay, and almost throwing an intern into the nurses' station as they dared to pass the gurney as it moved.

'What are you doing?' he asked as he walked to the door of Beth's room and stood, puzzled to see Meredith sitting alongside of Jeremy's new space.

'I don't want to be alone, I'm pretty sure you don't want to be, not really, and more than that I'm certain when Beth and Jeremy wake up the first face they will want to see is each others, more so than mine or yours…so this way we can make it happen. They will wake up Derek, maybe not today, but soon…they will wake up.'

Both Jeremy and Beth remained unconscious over night, Meredith and Derek had set up chairs between the two rooms and sat side by side all night, neither wanting to leave their patients, or each other and gained a few odd looks from nurses and doctors alike as they dozed sporadically from their resting place.

Meredith had ordered early scans to take place of them both, and as Derek conducted assessments at the bedside Meredith went off to collect the scans as this would be the first chance to take note of what exactly was happening to the tumours. The virus was made to be aggressive, to begin to start attacking the moment it made contact, so now 10 hours later for Beth and 12 hours later for Jeremy it was hoped that there would already be some level of change…she didn't want to get her hopes up, but with two patients still alive and fighting this then she couldn't help but hope…

As she rounded the corner, scans in hand Meredith ran into Cristina.

'Hey Stranger.' Cristina laughed as she walked in unison with Meredith and headed into the room with her.

'Hi. You're very smiley today; did you hit your head?'

'Very funny, no I'm fine; this is my throw a smile on your face look whilst asking your person if she is ok?'

Meredith looked over at Cristina and offered a small smile to her best friend 'yes, im fine, I promise, Jeremy and Beth are holding steady, and you my friend are about to see for yourself that the tumours are shrinking!'

'But Friday….'

'Friday will be what it will be, and it will be easier than I ever expected with Derek by my side.'

'He is coming with you? Are you sure, I could, if you want?'

'Yes I'm sure, in fact it seems to be the only way I can even imagine getting through the next few days, with him…he makes things easier, he gives me hope for the future, he makes me believe that things have a way of working out, you know? Besides you're a surgery junkie there is no way you could not cut for four days….'

'Yeah good point, so come on world renowned soon to be published neuro surgery let's see what you've got….'

'Well Derek…he is the one…'

'What? You're not going to let him take the credit for this are you?'

'Well he made the cocktail…and…'

'And nothing Mer, this was your idea, you put the work in initially, you and Shepherd work well together…the Worthington – Shepherd Method, it has a nice ring to it.'

'Does it?' as Meredith placed the scans up onto the light boxes she couldn't help but hear Cristina's words ringing in her ear… 'Worthington – Shepherd…but….she had to move forwards…

Grey…

Shepherd – Grey Method….'

'Could you pass me the callipers please?' she asked Cristina as her thought brought right back to the moment as her eyes fell on the scans before her and a small smile spread across her face.

'You're smiling?'

'Catching isn't it.' Meredith quipped as she held her hand out for the callipers and turned the light box on- the four scans stood before her, two before and two visibly smaller after tumours.

'Urm Mer…I don't think you need the callipers.' Cristina smiled as she handed them over any way.

As Meredith adjusted the distance between the callipers between scans she was unable to keep the tears from her eyes, except this time, instead of the familiar feeling of hurt and devastation, they were in fact tears of joy.

'It's working; these ones are smaller than these ones.' She beamed as a silent tear ran down her cheek. 'The tumours are shrinking, the virus is working.'

'Oh my god Mer, You did it, you actually did it…'

'I know…wow…we did it…its working.'

'I'm going to hug you now' cristina giggled as she threw her arms around her best friend and pulled her close as she felt her shoulders begin to shake and realised just how much this break through meant to her. 'You gotta go tell Derek.

'Yeah.' Meredith said as she stood back away from her friend and wiped her tears before heading off to share the good news.

'Mer.. Congratulations on your major medical breakthrough. It's the stuff of legends.' Cristina called after her as she watched her run back down the corridor towards the ICU.

Meredith couldn't run quickly enough as she rounded the corner and all but ran into Derek.

'Whoa…Mer, steady…' he said quickly as he caught her in her arms and tried to read her face, tear stained cheeks and redness in her eyes that told him she had been crying.

'Mer?'

'It's…Its working…the tumours are shrinking.' She gasped as she tried to catch her breath as the realisation dawned on Derek that her face in fact held tears of joy, success…they had done it.

'Its working?' he asked as he steadied himself on the wall, his hands running through his hair as the news began to sink in.

'It doesn't matter that they are still unconscious Derek, their brains are healing and it will take time for them to wake, but as they rest their bodies are healing, the virus is working, they are shrinking, a lot! Cristina spotted it the minute I turned the light box on.'

'A lot? We have done it? We have done it right?'

'Right.' She smiled as she stood next to Derek and rested her head on his shoulder as they peered between the two rooms, tears streaming down each of their cheeks, lost in thought as they took in the enormity of what they had achieved.

'Dr Shepherd, Dr Worthington, is everything ok?' the worried voices of Beth's parents alerted them both as they approached the exhausted Doctors, 'oh my goodness has something happened?' Beth's mother gasped as she turned her head around quickly to her daughter, looking for a sign that something was wrong.

'It's working.' Meredith smiled as she stood forward away from the wall and stepped closer, 'it's actually working.'

Derek took Beth's parents back into her room and explained some of the things that Meredith had managed to share as Meredith leant on the door frame to Jeremy's room and took stock for a minute.

The words Cristina spoke earlier still ringing in her ears.

She loved William, she would never stop, but it had changed, he wasn't here anymore, he would never be able to tell her that he loved her, she would never here is voice again, he didn't want her to be alone, he wanted her to move on, and with Derek she was, she definitely was, and she knew in a line up of a thousand men or more Derek would have been the man that William would have picked, if he had the choice.

And Derek, Derek Christopher Shepherd had shown her compassion and love from day one, he got here, perhaps more than William ever did.

He had come into her life at a time when she really did see no way of overcoming the hurdles and obstacles that had come her way, yet here she was, still standing, with a major medical breakthrough associated with her, and Derek.

What a team!

He had given her a future, he was making the next few days bearable, and he was her lifeline, her hope throughout the darkness.

Worthington was her past, and she would forever cherish her memories…but Grey…maybe Grey was her future.


	57. Chapter 54 signature

Chapter 54 signature

Meredith had been exhausted and Derek had managed to persuade her to go up to his office and take a nap on the couch, promising he would page her if there was any change in either Beth or Jeremy, she had agreed but with her own conditions too – he had to join her as soon as he got a chance! He knew there were on call rooms much closer that she could have rested in, but people would be coming and going all night in there and she was unlikely to get the rest she needed, so he hoped his couch would act as a good enough resting place. He had watched her as she had wearily headed off, without even putting up much of a fight, finally giving in to the fatigue that had taken over her. Hours earlier she had made excuses every time he had suggested a rest, but as darkness crept in she had had no fight anymore, he had known he would get his own way eventually, and he was glad that she had given in. There was nothing he wanted more than to be cuddled up with her right now, even if it was on his couch, he didn't sleep well without her these days, he had become used to her always been there, and even when he had feared she was running or pushing him away, she had in fact ran to him. He was so worried what the few days in Boston would bring, he was petrified for her at how she would be effected by the trip, but was grateful for the fact that he would be there to support her every step of the way, instead of being on the other side of the country worrying about her every minute of the day!

He was hoping to see him mom for a little while once they got to the east coast, and he hoped that Meredith would accompany him to his home town without feeling it was too much. He hadn't broached the subject with her yet, he wasn't sure of what to say, he didn't want to seem like he was suffocating her, or make her feel like he was hijacking her weekend by throwing in meeting his family, but he couldn't help but hope that she would gain strength from his mom, after all his mom already felt like she knew meredith, the way he spoke of her left her smiling every time they hung up the phone. He had been honest with his mom since meeting Meredith, and had explained the loss that she had gone through so she knew the full picture if they were to ever meet.

He stood leaning on the nurses station staring between the two rooms that held Beth and Jeremy and he couldn't help but find himself preying that they made it through the night. Neither of them had woken up yet, and if he was honest he was beginning to get more apprehensive the longer it went with little sign of consciousness. He couldn't admit his fears to Meredith though, he couldn't pull the rug out from underneath her by pointing out there were still no guarantees they would wake up. The tumours were shrinking though, Beth's, the smaller of the tumours appeared to be reducing at a quicker rate then Jeremy's but both were still definitely reacting to the virus cocktail. Two further CT scans that day had clearly shown a visible difference in each tumour, and as their bodies worked like hell to attack the tumour he had to hope it was also ensuring they rested too.

Beth's parents had been rocks the past few hours, pacing the floor in her room, supporting each other through their pain, allowing the other to be the comfort they needed, and also spending time in Jeremy's room, praying for him too to be ok. Even in the midst of their own pain and worry for their daughter they hadn't abandoned Jeremy, the person who meant so much to their little girl! He watched them now, Beth's fathers arms wrapped around his wife's back, running his fingers along her spine in soothing circles, both praying for a change.

'Hey.'

Derek jumped a little as Alex walked up alongside him and followed his gaze into the two rooms.

'Hi, sorry didn't hear you coming.' Derek explained as he looked up at Alex.

'It's ok, any change?' Alex asked as he motioned towards the rooms.

'The tumours are shrinking in both cases, but as of yet neither has woken up so we don't know if there has been any complications related to the virus.' Derek sighed, running his fingers through his hair as he spoke.

'You look exhausted man, have you slept?'

'Not yet, but I will.'

'And Meredith?'

'Sleeping in my office, she was running on empty, she could hardly stay awake to walk up there!'

'That's good that she is resting, but you should take some of your own advice and sleep too, Beth and Jeremy are going to need you on the top of your game when they wake up, so go, sleep! I can stay here!' Alex smiled, placing his hand on Derek's forearm, this was new for Alex, he didn't really have any male friends, he had Meredith and Cristina and that was about it. But he was so grateful for the way Derek had supported Meredith that he felt like he owed it to him to get to know him, not just as a surgeon…

'I can't let you do that.'

'Can't or won't? Dude, I thought Meredith was stubborn but you're a whole different ball game, look I have to run this up to the labs, and then I'll be back, if there is no change in Beth or Jeremy then you go sleep, I will page you if anything changes!'

'Thanks Alex'

'No problems, that's what friends are for right?' he called as he ran off down the corridor, desperate to get back as soon as possible and send Derek off to Meredith.

Alex had arrived back ten minutes later; clearly exhausted having ran all the way there and back Derek was sure! As expected there had been no change so Alex had insisted on Derek leaving for a while, even if it was just an hour, and had even accompanied him to the lift and pressed the buttons to ensure he left! The pair small talked as they waited for the door to open with Alex suggesting beers and the game once Derek was back from Boston! And as he stepped inside and the doors closed he couldn't help let a small smile fall across his face, not only was he getting somewhere with Meredith, but her friends too. They shared a common goal – Meredith's happiness.

As he made his way down the familiar corridor he was surprised by how dark it now was, and as he took a look down at his watch he was surprised to see it read 11pm, he had lost all track of time during the day and was worried that by creeping into his office he may disturb Meredith. The corridor was cast in shadows from the darkness outside, the blinds along the hall allowing a small glow of the outdoor light to penetrate through, but on a whole the corridor was in darkness. As he approached his office he was surprised to see a small light flooding out from underneath his door…she must have fallen asleep with the light on?

He pushed the door open and cast his eyes down to the couch, fear sweeping through his body when he realised she wasn't there, the couch was empty, apart from the notes he had left spread over it from earlier….

She hadn't slept?

His head shot up quick and scanned the room, the fear extinguished at once as his eyes fell on Meredith's sleeping form, her head resting on the computer keyboard, and the light flooding the room from the screen. She looked anything but comfortable as she lay crouched over the desk, a few printed sheets lay to the side of her and a now cold cup of coffee…she had obviously been looking for something.

He walked towards his desk, moving the papers from his couch as he passed before scooping her up carefully, hoping not to wake her. She instinctively curled into his body as he moved, her head finding solace against his chest and her arms reaching up around his neck and her fingers threading themselves around the small curls at the base of his neck.

'Derek?'

'Yeah?'

'I love you.' She murmured as he carefully lay her down on the couch.

'I love you too.' He whispered as he planted a kiss to the top of her head.

'Stay?'

'I am, Alex is with Beth and Jeremy, I'll just shut the light off the computer.'

'ok' she mumbled as her body began to give in to the desire to sleep once again.

Derek stood and moved back towards his desk to shut down the computer, curiosity running through his blood as to why she had needed to use the computer when she was obviously so tired…

He couldn't help but stare at the screen and the search page that Meredith had left the screen on

'_Passport name changes'_

The words flashed before him…name changes?

He had no idea why she would be searching for that, and made a mental not to bring it up with her, if she wanted to talk about it she would! As he shut the machine down and the screen turned to blue his eyes fell on the written scrawl that lay on the paper to the left of the computer. It was hard to make out in the fading light but it looked like her signature over and over again…

Meredith….

Grey….


	58. Chapter 55 hope and fear

Chapter 55 hope and fear

Derek's gaze remained fixed on the paper as he took in her beautiful cursive scroll, her name, before she was married, written over and over again, as if she was trying it out, to see what she thought. He had never really dwelled on the fact that she was a Worthington; he had accepted instantly that William would forever be part of her life and she held so much love in her heart for him, but he also knew that if he wanted to build a future with her that he could never make that become an issue, and he hadn't! Not once had he resented her marriage or her past, what sort of man would that make him, instead he had worked like hell to make it possible for her to see a light at the end of the tunnel, for her to feel loved and for her to see that she deserved to be happy, and as he traced her writing with his finger tip he began to think that perhaps she was finally reaching a place she felt safe once again…

Derek was confused, to say the least but at the same time he felt like something within their relationship had just been unlocked, like she was letting a small piece of the past go, for a future, did this mean she saw a future with him…was she really going to go through with it? Obviously he knew she wouldn't be a Grey for their trip to Boston, she wouldn't have new documents that fast, but was she taking the steps to become one once again? He had so many questions that he wanted answers too, but he knew, deep in his heart that he couldn't press her for answers, she wasn't running away from him lately, she only ran too him so he was sure, in time she would talk to him about this…he reasoned with himself that this wasn't her avoiding, this was in fact her taking responsibility for her emotions before broaching the subject with him.

That was progress right?

He turned away from the desk and cast his eyes over her sleeping form, she looked so peaceful, and so worry free, her loose hair cascading around her face, framing her beauty in a frame of golden brown, and her lips pursed together in such a way that melted his heart, she was perfect. She had lain down on her side, hardly taking up any space as her tiny frame looked lost on the couch and he knew that there was more than enough room for him to sleep too. He kicked off his shoes and snuggled into the side of her, his arms wrapping around hers, and her hands instinctively holding him tight as he encompassed her, even in sleep she felt his presence and held on…a small smile fell across his lips as he kissed her head, and inhaled the sweet aroma of lavender, the mesmerising scent that followed her around where ever she went and one that had fast become his favourite smell, he could sense her coming before he saw her, and could search her out of a room of a hundred people by following her scent.

He closed his eyes with her wrapped inside of his chest and let his body give into the sheer exhaustion of the day….

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

The sound of both their pagers vibrated off every surface in his office, the silence cut into by the piercing shrill of the two little black boxes, one on the coffee table, the other still resting next to the computer where meredith had left it earlier and Meredith and Derek sat up with a start, both aware that the only reason they were been broken from their slumber was if something had happened….good or bad, the sight of Alex's Karevs number flashing across his screen and presumably across hers too meant one thing…

Beth and Jeremy…

The fear in both of their faces was evident as they stood up from the couch and allowed their eyes to meet for a fleeting moment, sapphires and emeralds meeting and hoping exactly the same thing, that everything was ok, Derek ran his hands along her arms, a silent act that held so many words, to an outsider it looked like nothing, but to meredith it was enough to reassure her that he had the same fear and hope as she did, neither speaking as they scrambled to get their shoes back on before fleeing to the ICU.

'Karev.' Derek called from the end of the corridor as he continued to run at speed towards the two rooms at the end of the hall.

'Alex please don't say…' meredith added as she too raced down the hall way towards her friend, desperate for answers, praying she didn't have to lose sight of hope for the future, for herself and them.

'Why are you just standing here when you paged I thought it was…' Derek stopped mid sentence as he reached the glass of Beth's room, his gaze falling on the room, two sobbing parents aside her bed…

'Oh, oh…' an unrecognisable noise escaped from Derek as he watched the sight before him, placing his hand on the window to steady himself, feeling like the floor had suddenly disappeared beneath him.

'Oh god no.' Meredith's screams filled the quiet hallway as she watched Derek breakdown before her 'no, no, no she was so young, she can't be, oh..oh, no…' Meredith, with no window to steady herself found herself crashing to the floor as her legs gave way beneath her…'I can't…she had so…much…i…i….'

Alex and Derek were at her side within milliseconds, the sounds of her broken form alerting them both instantly.

'Mer, you need to breathe, please, look at me.' Derek called as he fell to the ground before her and pulled her into him, holding her face in his hands, desperately trying to get her to focus on him. Rocking her body in his desperate to calm her.

'Mer you have to breathe, Meredith.' Alex soothed as he too squat down beside her and ran circles with his hands over her back.

'This is good, you get that right, and you get it?' Alex asked, taking control of the situation as he quickly realised what was playing out before him..She thought… Derek looked up and the minute he saw Alex's face he realised what had caused the breakdown.

'Mer, Beth, Beth is, she is awake…she's awake.'

Meredith could hear the talking around her but wasn't focusing on the words as she battled to get air into her lungs, her chest burning as she grasped for air, until she heard it…awake….

Somehow she managed to lift her head and respond to Derek's touch, her tear stained face meeting his, which now held fear for her, but hope…there was definitely hope!

'She…she'

'She's awake Meredith.' Alex stated again from behind her, before standing and helping Derek to lift her up from the floor.

'But, Derek…you were…and I thought…'

'I know and I'm so sorry you thought that, I just couldn't believe what I was seeing, it worked Mer, it worked, and it was a lot…so much, I never realised it would make you think…'

He had no time to finish his sentence as she covered his lips with her own, her tears warming his own cheeks as he pulled her closer to himself, his hand running through her hair, and as she pulled away he ran his thumbs under her eyes, drying her tears, before kissing each cheek. 'We did it Mer…we did it.'

'I'm sorry to break up the moment, but you have a patient who probably wants to know what's going on.' Alex pointed out.

Derek and Meredith broke away from each other and turned to make their way into Beth's room; Derek led the way, and before Meredith too could enter the room she felt Alex's hand on her arm.

'Are you ok?' he asked, worry written all over his face as he scanned his friend's features desperate to know she really was holding it together now.

'We did it.' She smiled, for the first time since fearing the worst, she allowed herself the recognition that it had worked.

'I know Mer.' Alex laughed as he pulled his best friend into a hug, 'you make quite a team.'

Beth was awake and communicating better than anyone could have imagined, she was coherent and the sensation was slowly coming back into her left arm, her first finger wiggle making everyone in the room well up, even Alex had to wipe away a tear as he took in just what his best friend and Derek had achieved.

It was the stuff of dreams, he couldn't help but look on in admiration at the pair as they busied themselves in Beth's charts and noted down her progress. As a student, an intern and now a resident he used to hear stories about sometimes, at the sweetest of times doctors made discoveries that would change the face of medicine, and his friend, after all she had been through had done just that. Her idea, her research, her faith in someone who wasn't William…they had changed the face of medicine forever; goodness knows how many life sentences she had just helped dissolve.

It was a miracle.

It didn't take too much longer for Jeremy to wake up, Meredith liked to think he had sensed Beth was awake and at that point chose to join her, desperate to be near to her again.

Beth's tumour had shrunk at a quicker rate then his, so it made sense when she woke up first, but when Jeremy opened his eyes and looked directly into Meredith's, it was then that everyone really believed that this trial was no longer that. It worked! Of course they knew it had worked for Beth, but now the success rate was two, they had saved two lives and could go on to save more.

'Hey, welcome back Jeremy.' Meredith whispered, aware a tear of happiness had fallen down her cheek again; the sheer enormity of what was happening washing over her.

'Hey.' He managed to croak back, fear etched on his face as he watched the tear sneak over her cheek and fall to the bed.

'Beth?' he choked as he reached out to grab Meredith's hand.

'Beth is wide awake and waiting for you.' Meredith smiled, gripping his hand tightly with one hand, and wiping away the stream of tears with the back of her other hand.

'She is?

'She is Jeremy...it worked.'

Derek had been paged to an incoming trauma minutes before his shift was due to end, Meredith had begged to stay to help, but the fact she could hardly keep her eyes open and had yawned nonstop for the last couple of hours only helped to act as proof to why she was no longer fit to work for that day. Before she made her way out she had gone to collect the champagne they were saving for the day it finally worked, but was disheartened to see it wasn't in the fridge where they had left it, So she had left with the promise to see him later and set off back to the trailer empty handed, where she would grab a couple of hours sleep and then wait up for him, they needed to celebrate, they needed this, it was a success.

Derek had performed an emergency craniotomy and was now finally ready to leave back to Meredith, he couldn't think of anything better then collapsing in her arms and sleeping, his whole body ached and was exhausted.

He made a quick stop off in his office to collect the champagne that he had moved earlier that day as he feared the juvenile interns might just decide to drink it sooner rather than later, so it was better off tucked away, ready for a celebration.

As he walked out of the hospital he ran his fingers over the foil at the top of the bottle, he couldn't wait to release the cork from its holding place, months of worry and heart ache finally proved to be fruitful.

An idea a beautiful resident had, when her whole world had been crashing around her had proved to be a major medical breakthrough.

Who would have thought it?

He drove on auto pilot back to her house, thanking the near empty streets meaning the Journey took next to know time. As he turned the corner and began to approach the familiar house up ahead he felt his heart beat begin to quicken as he realised the drive was empty…too empty…where the hell was she?

He parked the car quickly and ran inside, the door unlocked so someone had to be home.

'Meredith?' he called, anxiously waiting her response…but nothing.

He ran into the kitchen, living room and then took the stairs two at a time calling her name constantly.

He pushed open her bedroom door, hoping perhaps she had left her car at the hospital and got a taxi home in sheer exhaustion…but no, the room was empty, the bed had not been slept in.

'Meredith?' he called again, despondently as he sunk down onto the edge of the bed.

'She isn't here.' Cristina pointed out as she leant on the door frame and looked at the exhausted form before her.

'She said she was heading back.' He pointed out, 'today was big, huge, what if she cant deal with it?'

'Today was huge for good reasons Derek.' Cristina pointed out 'She was on cloud 9 when she rang me from the hospital earlier, you changed her life you know that right?' she sat down on the bed beside him and could have sworn she heard his heart racing from their proximity.

'Where is she?'

'If you have to ask that then you are dumber than I ever realised' Cristina laughed 'you're in her house, and I'd bet a million dollars that she is at yours!'

'The trailer…'

'Oh so the master neuro surgeon does have a brain after all?'

'I just thought.'

'What that she would come to the building she sleeps at occasionally…and not the place she feels at home?'

'Home…the trailer?'

'Have you ever heard her call this house a home? Ever?'

'No…she said home was with William in Boston.'

'Maybe home is now in the wilderness in the woods did you ever think of that?'

He didn't wait to answer her, instead he took off down the stairs, back out into the night to find his love…


	59. Chapter 56 home

Chapter 56 home

Meredith had tried to sleep, she really had, but the past few days, week's even months were running through her brain at an alarming rate. In such a short time frame so much had began to change, she had decided to be a Grey again, to take a leap of faith with Derek and also been part of medical history after today's events.

And what had happened earlier that day was almost unthinkable, but so unbelievably exciting at the same time, and had given her so much joy then she had experienced in a long time where her job was concerned. She had been partly responsible for making a virus cocktail that worked, that saved lives!

She was a life saver!

With Derek she was able to save lives!

And….

He had saved hers…..

As she had headed to the trailer she had taken a small detour to pick up a few things she thought she might need and had left everything on the deck as she had entered the trailer to lie down for a little while, but as sleep had evaded her she was now up, preparing, getting ready for Derek to come home.

Home….

It was that word, that one word she had refused to say or think since leaving Boston and she was sure people must have noticed. If she went to the house she called it just that, a house, it was four brick walls and a roof that just so happened to hold some of her belongings, but it wasn't a home.

Over the last week she had found herself slowly admitting to herself that she felt safe and secure when she was out at the trailer, even when she was with Derek in the house something still felt off, but out in the wilderness with all the open space and freedom to think she felt like she belonged, and she almost accepted that she would never feel that way again.

But Derek, Derek had changed things.

She felt guilty to her friends, Cristina and Alex had done so much for her and had pulled her from the darkest of places, but living in a house that had once belonged to someone else, held someone else's memories and struggles wasn't the sort of place she could ever imagine settling or considering a home.

But the trailer, the trailer was just Derek's, he had bought it new, he had so few memories after having not lived there all that long and he had opened his home to her…and began making memories with her.

And some of her greatest memories of Seattle were now rooted firmly in the trailer, and the land…this was her home!

She made her way out to the decking and looked at the things she had bought earlier and smiled to herself as she looked down at her cell to check the time, she should still have some time before he got back, but it appeared his appearance would be a surprise as she had no reception so she couldn't check in with him to give her a rough estimate so she would have to move fast if she was going to be ready for his return.

'Meredith?' Derek called as he ran from the car within seconds of pulling up alongside the trailer.

Cristina had spoken a lot of sense, but he still wasn't 100% convinced that the trailer was what she wanted and he couldn't get out of the car fast enough to ask her!

He flew through the door of the trailer hoping to see her curled up in the bed resting but his heart sank a little as he placed the champagne down on the table and looked around the vacated trailer.

He ran his fingers through his messy locks as he noted the freshly slept in bed, the covers ruffled, he never left it like that so she had to have been there, and her car, that had definitely been parked alongside as he had approached. He took a look down at his watch and realised it was much later then he had anticipated being home which left him even more concerned as to where Meredith could be, it was late, and dark and he dreaded to think what the temperature was outside.

He grabbed hold of the champagne and headed back out on to the decking and sighed in frustration, his breath creating a cloud in front of his face in reaction to the cold, biting night air. He was seconds away from sitting down on the deck and popping open the drink as he scanned the land before him desperate for a glimpse of the women he loved.

The night mist made it hard to get a clear picture, and he had no idea which was she could possibly have gone. His eyes continued casting over the darkness before his gaze fell on a burning light to the left of the trailer, through the clearing onto the cliff….

Before he knew it his feet where carrying him towards the light, his heart rate racing as he wondered what he was about to see, and praying that Meredith would be on the other side of the bushes that separated the trailer from the cliff.

As he drew nearer he began to make out the shadow of his girlfriend pacing the floor ahead of him, illuminated by the sudden blaze of light that had sprung from the darkness, as his eyes adjusted to the light he was amazed to make out a stream of candles before him and as he neared her he realised she had no clue that he was approaching as she continued to rant and pace around in the middle of the candles.

Candles...where the hell had they all come from, and why was Meredith in the middle of them….

'Stupid, corny, idiotic. I cannot believe I did this. Stupid, loser, son of a — I could be at home instead of — _ugh_. Stupid brain man.'

'Meredith.' He smiled as he stopped her pacing in its tracks as she turned to face him, his breath catching in his throat as he tried to read the expression on her face.

'Where have you been? I've been waiting and waiting for you! I came home Derek, to wait for you and you didn't come, and I'm freaking out because this, right here with you is my home and I just needed to tell you that… And I did this stupid, embarrassing, humiliating, corny thing. And I was just going to tell you that this over here… is our kitchen... and this is our living room. And over there? That's the room where our kids could play. I had this whole thing about how I was gonna build us a house, but I don't build houses, because _I'm a surgeon!_ And now I'm here feeling like a lame ass loser. I got all whole and healed… and _you_ don't show up. And now it's all ruined, because you took so long to come home and I couldn't even find that bottle of champagne'

Derek smiled as he moved closer to his rambling beauty, drawing attention to the champagne he held in his hand, his heart beating furiously in his chest for the love he felt for her.

'Hmmmm. This is the kitchen? Living room? A little small. I think the view's much better from here. And that's the room where the kids are gonna play? Hmm. Where's our bedroom?' he smirked as he continued edging forwards, the lavender flooding his senses, every hair on the back of his neck standing on end at the heightened emotions he was experiencing.

'A home Derek…something I never wanted again And I don't know if I can do this. I wanna do this but I don't know if I can, so I'm just gonna try. I'm gonna try and trust you to help me, because I believe that we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart. And I wanna be —'

Derek quickly closed the final few inches and covered her lips with his as he embraced her with such love and attention that he took her almost off guard at his sudden proximity, any initial fears or reverberations were quickly extinguished as she responded to the kiss, her arms wrapping around his head and her tongue battling with his for superiority as the kiss intensified.

The pair seemed lost for a while as they held each other in the darkness, the candles flickering, defying the breeze that had built up and refusing to burn out, as if they knew how symbolic the home was to the pair stood somewhere between the hallway and the kitchen!

'You did all this?' Derek asked as he lowered Meredith back down to the grass as he ran his fingers through her beautiful tassels of hair that were shimmering gold in the candle light.

'I did, and if you hate it or think I'm out of order for assuming this might be what you want this when I'm obviously still so…'

'Meredith stop, are you listening to yourself? I want this, I've wanted this…forever…but it was never my place to bring it up. It had to be you…you had to…you had to want it to.' He surprised himself as his voice began to falter and the tears began to fall down his cheek, his heart burning with so much love and admiration of the woman before him as she buried her face into his shoulder and he instinctively encircled her with his hands, holding her tight, never wanting to let her go.

'I only ever knew one home, with William, when I was there it was the only place I ever thought I could call home, but when William died everything I knew died too, and when I came here nothing felt like home and I just couldn't…'

'I know, I know what you're going to say because I know you.' Derek smiled as he took her hand and began to walk around the candle print of their future home.

'You know me?' she quizzed as she leant her head down onto his shoulder as they walked.

'Well yeah I do, but sometimes it takes the people you least expect to point things out'

'What? Who?'

'Cristina…'

'Cristina? But how?'

'After work I headed to the house, I assumed, wrongly, that you were exhausted and would have headed there to sleep as it was closer, I never even thought to check with you, so I bounded in, champagne in hand and found the house deserted, until cristina made an appearance at the door and pointed out a few facts that had been in front of my face the whole time.'

'Like?'

'Like the fact you say house, always, never home…until now…and you could probably live in any house and still never call it a home.'

'It wasn't my home.'

'It wasn't…and cristina called me brainless for choosing the house over the trailer in my search for you as she pointed out that out here you feel like yourself, there needs to be no pretence, you can laugh, you can cry, you can skinny dip in the lake if your mood takes you that way…but here you can be…you.'

'I can.' She whispered as they stopped in the room Meredith had earlier described as the kitchen. 'With you I can.'

'You're never really you in the house though, it's like you can't quite relax, but here, it's like something clicks and you are able to make space in your memories for something else, someone else?'

'I can' she repeated again as she turned back to face Derek, planting a soft kiss to his lips before continuing. 'the trailer, it's yours, but its only ever been yours, you said you bought it new, and it has some of your memories, some good, some bad, but literally just a few, because then you met me and you shared your sanctuary with me and allowed me to begin to make some memories out here all of my own, and..And…' Meredith began to stutter as she tried to continue, but the tears that fell prevented her doing so.

'And?' Derek encouraged, stroking circles around her back with his finger tips, soothing her, and giving her the support she needed to go on.

'and this is home, to me this is it.'

'The trailer?'

'the trailer, the land, I don't know which, but this…and you….is everything to me, and I'm not saying we should start breaking ground now, or anytime soon, but at some point just maybe we could?'

'We could.' Derek beamed as he kissed her forehead delicately and started pacing around their 'kitchen', 'but we need a bigger kitchen and glasses so we don't make a mess. He motioned to the champagne bottle he still had firm hold of in one hand as he led meredith to the right hand corner of the house.

'Look at this view.'

'It's beautiful Derek'

'It is, this should be our bedroom, we need to see this every morning when we open the blinds.'

'When we make memories.'

'Exactly, what better way to start making memories than to have this is your back garden?'

As the pair stood watching the city below Derek covered his hand with his jumper sleeve and reached down and retrieved a candle jar from the floor.

'Where did you even get all of these?' he laughed as he brought the candle up between the pair. 'You know what most people do with candles right?'

'I'm guessing home building is the wrong answer?'

'Blow them out…'

'If you're five and it's on a cake maybe?'

'There is no hard and fast rule on when to blow a candle out Meredith….please, close your eyes…make a wish….' He pleaded with her as he lifted the jar slightly, her freckles dancing in the flame as it jerked around in the wind, her eyes reflecting the light, turning her orbs a dazzling shade of jade that he had never witnessed before,

She closed her eyes and thought for a moment, before leaning forward and quickly and effortlessly blowing out the light.

'What did you wish for?'

'You don't tell people your wish Derek or it won't come true.'

_I think it already did_

'You know there are a lot of candles here that could be a lot of wishes.'

'I don't need any more, not any more…' she smiled as she curled herself into his side and allowed herself to be encompassed by his arms.

The sound of the champagne popping echoed around the clearing, the noise vibrating far and wide into the night as the bubbles began to over spill and drip down the bottle.

Derek handed it over to Meredith and encouraged her to take a sip.

'We don't need glasses…we just need this.' He smiled as he watched her laugh as the bubbles went up her nose and made her jump back a little as the fizz took hold and the pair dissolved into giggles as they shared the champagne together.

As the toast was raised to the patients who had played a part in the clinical trial, and to William at Derek's request…. Meredith turned to face the man she loved and whispered.

'To us…because you're my home….'


	60. Chapter 57 Maverick and Goose Pt 1

Chapter 57 Maverick and Goose pt 1

Meredith and Derek had spent the next day moving her belongings from the house out to the trailer, both eager to get her settled into the wilderness with her things around her before they flew out to Boston the following day. Cristina had expressed concern that the moving could wait till after the trip, but both had pressed for it to be that day due to their own insecurities and fears, neither keen to share them with the other though so Cristina had been bribed into assisting with the fetching and the carrying in return for her fridge stocked with food, and the promise of all of the cardio cases that Mer was assigned on her return! Of course that wasn't really a concern to Meredith, less cardio would hopefully mean more chances at a neuro case…or time with Derek so it was a win win situation – for her at least!

Derek had watched her carefully from the door way as she had packed up her photographs and personal items from Cristina's place and deposited them with attention into one of the boxes she was taking with her in the move. He wasn't blind, he had seen the way that her fingers had ran over the glass as she wrapped it in a blanket to protect it from getting damaged in transit. Derek was scared, petrified in fact of what the Boston trip was going to do to Meredith, and he had spent hours reasoning with himself whilst Meredith had slept in his arms the night before that if he had her move in before the trip it would be harder for her to run or avoid her feelings once they returned, and as she had stood and faced him with a tear nestled in the corner of her eye he knew his fears were justified – but he couldn't let her run.

Meredith too had her own dread over what the next few days would bring; as she had packed up her room into a small selection of boxes she had known Derek had been watching her. Even when he had pretended to busy himself in folding clothes or taping up boxes she knew his eyes had been trained on her – desperate to know that this was ok, really ok and that she still wanted it! _She did!_ She wasn't as much worried about her own emotional state; she had began to see the fear as normal these days, but she was scared more so for Derek's and his heart in case she gave it a battering whilst she dealt with the memories and dragged up the horror that she knew Boston would inevitably throw her way. She had promised William, his family…and herself that she would be back, but the fear she had of how she would treat Derek over the next few days had began to make her feel guilty as she feared what the reverberations of the visit would be…to the point she had even began to have second thoughts over it! But she couldn't…she couldn't avoid the trip, she had to go…and she was lucky enough to have her rock by her side and moving in was a huge step that would demonstrate to him how serious she was about this – regardless of her state on their return, he had to know she wanted this.

_They both wanted this, they had each other._

Derek had set a selection of the candles around the decking on the trailer, and laid a few more out along the path that joined the trailer to the lake, and placed more up on the jetty that stood out into the deep water, determined to keep the possibility for some of her beautiful gesture burning brightly near to their new home, he liked to think of it as new as even when he had been there alone…or with Addison for a very short while, he had never felt complete, but now with Meredith there he felt like his airstream finally felt like home. And all of the others he had put into the storage unit he had alongside the trailer, determined to make use for everyone of the candles at some point in the future to allow their love to carry on burning for a long time to come yet.

Sitting on the jetty was where Meredith found him after she returned from dropping Cristina at the ferry terminal and she approached quietly as she realised he was just finishing off on the phone, he turned to face her, a small smile on his face as he recognised the lavender scent before he heard her come close. She sat herself down beside him on the wooden planks and snuggled herself into the side of him, his arm instinctively wrapping around her pulling her in close as he spoke softly into the phone.

'_Yes Mom….Sunday….I know it's been too long…..I know….I miss you too. I love you…I will ma, thank you…see you Sunday'_

As he hung up he pressed a delicate kiss to her hair, inhaling the aroma that was fast become his elixir to life, that smell could change his mood from miserable to ecstatic in an instant.

'Sunday?' Meredith asked as she turned her head slightly and brushed his curls away from his face, amused by how long his locks were getting, but not daring to mention the fact he needed a hair cut as he was aware of just how much he loved his hair!

'yeah Sunday, I haven't been home…well…before Addison…which is crazy and unforgivable, but life kind of got in the way for a while and the sympathy and pity looks just weren't needed so I just stayed holed up here! Ma has been out here…of course, but the sisters, and the nieces and nephews…and the madness..That has pretty much remained untouched…'

'Derek Shepherd are you rambling?' Meredith giggled as she stood up from the jetty and held her hand out to him as she helped to pull him up.

'Urm…maybe…' he laughed as he dipped his head and covered her lips with his own!

'Surgeons don't say urm…' she laughed as she mimicked words she had overheard Bailey saying in the OR recently.

'I said I would see them Sunday, if that's ok? If you need me then I can stay with you, or you can come…if you are feeling up to it you could come?'

'I'd like to come…'

'But?'

'But, can I just decide when there, see how things are with Williams parents, how things are with me? Can we just decide there?'

'Of course, no rush…this weekend is on your terms, however you want to play it, I'm your wingman…maverick and goose against the world!'

'Maverick and Goose.' She repeated as she wrapped her hands around his torso and rested her head on his chest, enjoying the moment alone, his heartbeat perfectly in sync with hers, and beating in unison between their embracing bodies.

'You ok?' Derek asked for what felt like the 50th time as they sat in the departure lounge nursing a coffee waiting for their flight to come, it was ridiculously early for the pair of them, instead of sleeping and resting before the 7 hour flight across the country they had made each other scream more times than either of them could remember.

'I will be' she smiled as she stifled a yawn and ran her fingers over her elbow, cringing slightly as a pain ran up her forearm into her shoulder, a grimace that didn't go unnoticed by Derek.

'Are you in pain?' he asked the concern evident in his voice as he leant forward and grabbed at her sleeve, desperate to roll it up and see where the cause of her distress was.

'A little.' She smiled as she lifted her arm a little and allowed him to inspect the bruise that was spreading up her arm.

'How?' he quizzed, his eyes wide at the blue blemish that appeared angry and sore.

'it's nothing.'

'Meredith it looks sore.'

'It is, but it's ok, it's a pain that makes me remember the elation that was last night!' she smirked.

'I did that?' he asked still unsure of how the bruise had gotten to be so inflamed.

'Its fine honestly, the trailer is small and..The hammock even smaller, I caught it on the side of the deck when we…fell out.' She blushed, referring back to their sexual exploits, christening most of the space in the trailer…and outside.

'Im sorry.' He smiled as he lifted her arm and kissed her bruise, carefully trying not to hurt her.

'its ok..'

_Ladies and Gentleman we are now inviting all First class and Business passengers the opportunities to board this AA653 Flight to Boston._

'Derek where are you going?' Meredith laughed as he stood up and began to organise their carry-on luggage, and retrieve the tickets from his bag.

'Our flight Mer.'

'We have to wait; the hoards are in the back.' She laughed as she reached out to pull him back down as the business men and women made their way to the plane.

'Meredith come one.'

'We can't, we are Coach Derek, Economy…'

'Oh really?' he smirked flashing the tickets in her face as he dragged her up and pulled her towards the boarding gate. 'Maverick and Goose don't travel in Coach Mer…'


	61. Chapter 57 pt 2 just watch the film

Chapter 57 pt 2 – just watch the film

Derek hadn't thought twice about upgrading their tickets to first class, the money, of course, hadn't been an issue, and he would have paid double if it had meant Meredith got to relax and rest before Boston. He already knew the enormity of the next few days was causing her unrest, she had barely slept in the weeks leading up to this day, her tossing and turning repeatedly waking him, but most of the time he chose to not let on to her that he knew she was up and pretended to carry on sleeping and simply turned himself and pulled her in close to him to make her feel safe, no words were needed at times. She didn't need the worry of disturbing his sleep pattern, as well as her own.

Meredith had been sound asleep for nearly 2 hours, the minute they had taken their places in the luxurious seat, or bed as it now resembled she had drifted off, the exhaustion of nights of worry about the trip finally catching up on her. Of course she had awed in wonder at the first class section of the plane, and gasped at the size of the TV in front of her saying it had put her own set in the living room to shame, and even giggled shamelessly as she looked back at the passengers getting crammed into their 28 inch seat pitch or something not much bigger anyway! But she had given in to her falling eye lids before she had a chance to order a drink or request one of the many appetizers that the plane offered prior to the main meal.

Derek had hoped she would have stayed awake a little while to watch a film or to talk but he knew not to press her so he had let her sleep, after all she needed it, even as the champagne and snacks had been distributed he had asked for her to be left undisturbed, with the air hostess Matilda promising to keep some bubbles cold for her for when she woke, Derek happy as he didn't want her to miss out on the novelty of flying first class, and he was certain with food soon to be served that the aroma of the passing plates would be enough to rouse her from her sleep naturally.

As he sat looking across at her he couldn't believe how lucky he was to be here to support her, he wasn't naïve or a fool he knew in his heart that over the next few days she would probably break down and try to push him away, he had prepared himself for that, it wouldn't take him by surprise. But he had promised himself that no matter how hard she pushed that he wouldn't let her succeed. He was anticipating her to say some hurtful things, through no fault of her own, and he knew her grief was likely to resurface and be so many times worse than it had been recently, but he had to understand. He wouldn't let her push him away. She needed him, and him her. She hadn't admitted her biggest concerns but he couldn't help but think she was scared of facing Williams's family. They had been so good to her during the battle to keep him alive that Derek was certain that she felt like she was betraying his memory by having moved on. He wanted to ask her about it but on the other hand, if she hadn't began to worry about that scenario he didn't want to flood her mind with it either. So for now he remained quiet, and hoped that she would talk before it all got too much. He knew though that it would be best for Meredith to meet with them alone initially, he didn't want to cause damage to their already broken hearts by shoving his love for Meredith down their throats he knew, all too well, the heartache of losing someone you loved and he had to respect their need to spend time with Meredith alone therefore he had already arranged to pay his mothers air fare into Boston and to spend a few hours with her, it would be easier then leaving for New York the minute they touched down!

As he continued to watch the film before him he felt his own eye lids begin to droop and he too let himself rest for a while, sure that Matilda would be more willing to wake him, then Mer when food was served.

'Derek…Derek.' The familiar sound of his girlfriend's voice alerted him back to reality, as he forgot for a moment where he was before his eyes adjusted to the light and his thoughts came back into focus. He glanced down at his watch, relieved to see he had only fallen asleep for twenty minutes.

'You were asleep.' Meredith giggled as she lifted her bed back into its seated position and pulled her dinner tray over her lap.

'Well you weren't much company snoring away over there' He joked back, running his hand along her leg as he adjusted his own seat.

'I was, but then I smelt food and my stomach growled and woke me up!'

'Your stomach woke you up?'

'It did its starving!'

'Should have known.' He smiled back, secretly happy that she was eating, or wanting to at least and not avoiding food like she had done so many times in the past when things had gotten to much for her,

'Dr Shepherd are you ready for your meal now?' Matilda asked as she noticed the pair were now awake, approaching the table with a glass of champagne in her hand and placing it down in front of Meredith.

'I didn't order this?' Meredith asked, confused as to why she would be given such luxury.

'It's all part of the package Ma'am.' Matilda smiled 'you were sleeping earlier so I made sure the other passengers didn't get too carried away and saved you a glass. Enjoy.'

'Oh wow, thank you…wow, this is just, amazing!'

'You're welcome, now would you like the beef fillet with olive demi glaze or fresh Salmon with broccoli parcels and watercress sauce?' Matilda smiled as she observed Meredith's mouth water before her eyes.

'Urm I have no idea what an olive demi sauce is but beef, I definitely need the beef please.' She giggled amazed at how she had ever flown before in economy!

'If you like I can have the glaze added on the side to be added at your own discretion?'

'Oh wow seriously? Thank you that would be great.'

'And for you sir?'

'Oh he will have the salmon!' Meredith interrupted as the novelty of first class failed to fade.

'I have a voice mer.' Derek laughed as he glanced over to her and smiled at her bouncing on the seat.

'you do but its fish, you love to fish…so you want fish? Right?'

'Of course! I'd love the salmon thank you, what my girlfriend is failing to mention is that if I order a different dish to her it means she gets to try mine and probably eat half of it too!.' He laughed as he saw Meredith feign in horror!

'I do not!' she spat before giving in to the giggle that was building in her stomach, something Derek responded to by leaning over and kissing her on the cheek, relief evident in his face that Meredith appeared so relaxed.

Matilda left the pair to collect their food, smiling in admiration at the couple before her, reflecting to herself she didn't think she had ever seen such true love shining out of a couple before, and part of her wishing she could find that herself!

'That was delicious.' Meredith announced as she ran her bread roll around the rim of Derek's plate to soak up the last few drops of sauce, desperate to leave not a part left uneaten.

'The plate isn't edible you know?' Derek pointed out as he monitored her every move as she inspected the dish for sauce.

'I know, it's just so tasty, I mean it's like a 5 star restaurant in the air, if not better! Oh my bank is going to hate me I can never fly coach again! I feel like the Queen of England, or whatever!' she beamed as she drained her glass of champagne.

'And why is that your majesty.' Derek joked as she threw her 1000 thread Egyptian cotton napkin over at him.

'Well that napkin is thicker than my bed sheets for a start.' She laughed as she got up from her seat and placed herself on Derek's lap; running her fingers through his dark locks and holding it back slightly so she had a clear view of his face, taking in the tiny creases at the sides of his eyes and running her other hand along the stubble that was creeping across his chin as she admired the rugged look he was currently wearing. She loved him all of the time, but with that little bit of shadow on his face she couldn't help but feel turned on!

'What?'

'Thank you.' She smiled as she pressed her lips to his, and allowed her nose to rest against his as she deepened the kiss, her tongue battling with his to gain entry into his mouth, a battle he let her win easily as he opened his cavern and allowed her warm tongue entrance to his cavern.

'Mer…' he whispered as she pushed her hips down into him, smiling as she felt the response between her legs as he began to grow harder in the seat oblivious to the passengers around them watching their films, or sleeping as most people seemed to be.

'What?' she smirked as she began to kiss down his neck as she felt his skin begin to shiver with anticipation, her own heart beat quickening as she felt his stubble tickle her lips as she moved further down.

'Indecent exposure Mer?' he laughed as he ran his fingers along her back, the sheerness of her t shirt meaning he felt like he was all but touching her soft skin beneath.

'There isn't a law for kissing in public Derek!' she sniggered as she repositioned herself slightly so the hardness of his cock could be felt through her jeans, his size meaning it was impossible to ignore.

'Mer…' he groaned again as she raised herself up slightly before lowering herself down again, an action that left him bucking his hips in the seat desperate to feel the contact through the restrictions of his jeans.

'Easy.' She laughed as she sat herself up right 'we don't want to break any laws…'

'Stop that then.' He moaned with a smile on her face as she shifted herself slightly and nestled herself onto the seat alongside of him so the pair were cuddled close in the one space.

'you know you have your own seat?' he joked as he pulled her in closer and rested her head upon his chest as he adjusted the seat back a little so the pair were somewhere between sitting and laying.

'To think you could have saved money if we had shared.'

'I don't think the airline would allow it.'

'Matilda doesn't seem to mind now.' Meredith pointed out as she noticed her walk past and distribute blankets to the travellers to rest for the remainder of the journey. She smiled as she placed the blanket on the arm of Derek's chair. 'See she only left one, this is ok, least till we prepare to land.'

'ok.'

Derek reached up into the storage area and passed Meredith his old Bowdoin sweater as an extra layer to keep her warm as they continued the journey east and unwrapped the blanket and spread it out across them both now sharing the same seat as Meredith messed with the remote control looking for a film to watch.

'Oooh Patrick Dempsey is in this one.' She announced as she adjusted the volume and passed the headphones over to Derek before placing them on her own head as the title to Valentines Day filled the screen.

'He has too much mousse in his hair and he is a jerk in this right?' Derek pointed out laughing, preparing Meredith for the fact that her favourite actor wasn't always as 'Mcdreamy' as his TV show portrayed!

'His hair is perfect and he is in thsi, but no ones perfect!' she laughed, excusing his behaviour in an instance as she began to focus on the screen, her head rested comfortably on Derek's chest and her fingers daring to dart further south, unnoticed under the blanket as she began to play with the buckle of his belt.

'Mer.'

'Go with it.' She whispered 'just watch the film!'


	62. Chapter 59 getting ready

Getting ready.

Silence.

It had been well over an hour since the pair had picked up their rental car and made their way onto the freeway and began the drive to Everett and the car was eerily silent. Derek had spoken softly at first to try and take her mind off what was to come, but after receiving no more than a sigh in return he had given up and allowed Meredith to be alone with her thoughts. She had seemed surprisingly relaxed on the plane, and had tried hard to cover her anxiety with a cheeky glint in her eye in first class, but now as the place she had always called home due nearer he could all but see her begin to recoil back into herself. He knew he couldn't push her, not this weekend, but there was no way he was going to let her disappear into the past again, they had come too far – she had come too far!

The roads were unusually busy due to an accident a few miles down the road and as the warning signs flashed overhead they had continued to painfully crawl along and Meredith had leant over and turned off the radio once the traffic announcement had been made, and returned her head to the passenger window, her forehead resting against the cool glass, and not a word had left her lips.

She had told him William's parents had been in touch with her before they had left and begged her to stay with them. She had felt obliged at first, but knew there was no way she could invite Derek to stay there too so had gently turned them down, explaining she felt there were too many memories in the house for her to sleep alone there but also knowing that there was no way she would survive this without Derek holding her up for the next few days. They had understood of course, and it had also given her more time to think how to bring up that she was with someone else, they deserved to know. She had explained to Derek that she had yet to share the news with them, and he had understood completely, he had offered to be by her side when she explained, but she knew it was something she had to do herself before she introduced them to Derek.

As the traffic began to speed up again Meredith felt a loan tear slip down her cheek as she reached up and brushed it away hoping Derek hadn't noticed, before closing her eyes in a vain hope to stop the other tears falling. She couldn't explain how she was feeling, she was so grateful Derek wasn't asking, on the one had she was petrified about being back in Everett to visit Williams grave and return to the place she called home, and on the other hand she was scared and feeling guilty about admitting her love for another man to his parents and hoped she could make them see it was what William would have wanted too, he didn't want her to be alone.

'Mer…Mer…wake up we are here.' Derek gently shook her as he pulled into the parking lot of the Boston Harbour Hotel before brushing the stray wisps of hair away from her cheek that had found themselves stuck there as she had silently cried in her sleep. She had fallen asleep about a half hour down the road, and it was only when she had started snoring gently did Derek realise she had actually given in to the exhaustion that her body felt.

Meredith sat up, her beautiful green orbs sparkling in the light, her bottom lids acting as a shield against the flood of tears waiting to break.

'Hey.' Derek smiled as he leant across the seat and placed a soft kiss to her forehead 'let's get you inside.'

Meredith stood looking into the floor length mirror in the corner of the room as she wriggled in the new navy dress she had bought days earlier, not her usual attire at all but she had felt, at the time, that it would be best to make an effort with Williams parents, she didn't want them to think her life was a wreck, she had to show them she was ok. Her blonde hair fell in loose curls around her face and onto her shoulders and framed her face beautifully. She had asked Derek to drop her down the street so she could walk up and clear her head before she picked up the knocker of the house she knew all too well, and he had agreed of course. As she stood there now debating if the dress was too much she could hear Derek's gentle tones speaking into his cell as she watched as he paced around the terrace to their suite, his mom had called and by the sounds of things she was going to be heading to Boston sooner than expected.

As Meredith turned to the mirror again she lifted her hair up as if to pin it back and she jumped slightly as Derek came up behind her.

'Leave it down, you look beautiful.' He whispered as he pressed a kiss to the nape of neck before she allowed the curls to cascade back down again.

'Your mom?' Meredith asked as she spun to face Derek trying to read the emotion on his face.

'Yeah, my mom is…well she's my mom and the thought of her favourite son been on the same coast as her for the first time..Well the first time since Addison…is just too much excitement for the little lady to take.' He smiled as he leant forwards and delicately captured her lips with his.

' sorry I didn't even think about Addison, and the divorce…and you being here…'

'Meredith, relax, I'm fine, I'm with the women I love, in a different city to, hell even a different state to my memories of Addison, and to be honest every minute I'm with you those memories disappear anyway, this weekend is about you…ok, so relax.

'oh…cheesy Derek.' Meredith smiled, not a forced smile, Derek could see for the first time since getting from the airport a little glimmer of the Meredith he knew was hiding in there.

'I don't care if it is, I mean it. But again my feelings are the last thing to be concerning you with. Look, I know this feels like an impossible day for you, so I just want to say one thing, I brought a nice suit, just in case.'

Meredith smiled as she saw the love radiate from the man before her, stepping forward she wrapped her arms around his neck and gently ran her fingers through the long mass of curls that were building there, many would say he needed to cut them back, to her, they were perfect.

'Thank you.' She smiled as she returned his earlier kiss 'I think today, seeing them, and visiting William…today that needs to be just me, it's something I have to do on my own.'

'I know Mer and if you need me at any point just let me know.'

'I promise, and tomorrow…or the next day I…what I really want is…I…' she began to stutter and the lump that had been hiding in her throat suddenly seemed to have found its home again in the back of her mouth as she struggled to get her words out.

'Mer?'

'I don't want this…us…to be a secret Derek, I want them to know, for you to meet them, and for you to visit William with me. They were so good to me that I have to hope they will understand, they have to understand.'

'They will Mer, it will be hard at first, it's only natural, but they will understand.'

'I was going to tell them about the letter, that William would be ok with this.'

'it might help, just don't rush telling them for me ok, do it when your ready, when you think they are ready…and if its tomorrow, or minutes before we fly out its ok, in your own time mer.'

'in my own time' she whispered as she returned again to the mirror, took a deep breath and let a gentle smile fall over her lips as she glanced back at Derek rummaging through his sweaters on the bed.

'When is your mom flying in?' she asked as she took a step closer to the bed and picked up the navy sweater, passing it to him with a glint in her eye. 'you look good in this.'

'Thanks Mer.. And about Ma, she flew in last night!'

'Last night?'

'Yeah early bird catches the worm! She wanted to make sure she was here and free whenever I was so after I drop you I will drive back into town and meet her for coffee, take a walk, just catch up really, but I mean it if it all gets too much you ring me and I will be right there.'

'I know.'

'And about Ma, you don't have to.'

'I want to' Meredith interrupted before he could finish. 'I want to meet her, you and her have today, but tomorrow night maybe dinner? Dinner would be good?'

'That would be perfect Mer, she would love that, but she understands why we are here too so she won't be pressuring me to meet you, she can wait.'

'I think it's ok, I want to.'

'Ready?' he asked as took the sweater off meredith.

Meredith stepped closer again and reached for his belt buckle as she tried to grant herself access to his pants.

'Mer.' Derek smiled as he reached for her hands, encompassing them, knowing she was simply try to avoid what was to come. 'We are about to leave?'

'We have ten minutes, take off your shirt.' She shrugged as her hands moved to the bottom of her own dress.

'Don't you just want to go? Get today moving instead of putting it back?' Derek asked the care and love evident in his voice as he cast his eyes over her beautiful body that now stood before him as she wriggled out of her dress and placed it carefully on the chair next to the bed.

'No, just take off your shirt.' She pleaded the avoidance clear in her voice. 'Please.'

He looked down at her tiny frame as she stood before him, she was tiny, he made a mental note to himself to try and get her to eat more still as he unbuttoned his shirt and took her head in his hands, moaning as her mouth allowed him instant access, his tongue not having to battle hers to kiss her.

He knew this wasn't what she really needed, not now minutes before meeting her dead husband's family for the first time since she left Boston, but then, in that instant he would have done anything for her that she had asked, and he meant…anything.


	63. Chapter 59 two sides of the same coin

Chapter 59 two sides of the same coin

Derek sat in the car, the engine off as he watched the tiny frame of his girlfriend take small steps down the street towards her destination, he had tried to convince her to be dropped closer but she refused saying she needed to have some space with her own thoughts so he had reluctantly agreed as he had pulled up a good two blocks before Williams parents house and allowed her to walk the rest of the way.

The quickie earlier had relaxed her a little, and he was glad she had been able to take her mind of the things that she was about to face. The drive there had been as quiet as the drive from the airport, but he had refrained from sparking up conversation because in the kind of situation she was about to face what was there really to say. She had kissed him, lightly, and ran her fingers through his locks before she had exited the car, a slight turn back in his direction with the smallest of smiles telling him it was ok, he could go. But sitting there now, as he watched her shoulders hunched, and her posture curled as she walked he didn't think he had ever felt more helpless and he couldn't even face starting the engine, knowing he was leaving her there. He got that she needed to do this today, maybe even tomorrow too, but he couldn't help but feel like he was letting her walk into the unknown alone, and the thought of her dealing with her own grief, Williams parents grief, and even their disappointment without been by her side was really tearing him up inside, for almost nine months he had been her rock, even before their lips had touched he had been the one who kept her afloat, kept her looking forward, yet now as he saw her head drop up ahead it was taking all his strength not to run out of the car and wrap her in his arms and tell her everything would be ok.

He was surprised when he felt a tear escape down his cheek, his own fears and worries for meredith taking over his sub conscious as well as his heart and his pools of sapphire blue glistened as he noticed her pause up ahead and go to retrieve something from her bag.

He smiled as he looked down at his cell vibrating on the passenger seat as he noticed her number flash across the screen.

'I love you….I'm OK…Go. M xx'

'I love you too, you can do this. D x x'

A few simple words that to him gave him the closure he needed, for the time being at least as he quickly punched in a reply and smiled as he saw her read the text and briefly turn waving back in his direction before she disappeared around the corner to the right to start her descent to Mr and Mrs Worthington's.

With Meredith out of sight Derek felt himself tense up a little as it hit him that until he heard from meredith later today he would have no idea how she was, and that scared the living day lights out of him, and as he started the engine and pulled away slowly from his parking space he sent a silent prayer up to William, begging for this to go ok.

It had to.

She had know he hadn't pulled away, as she had taken one step after the other down the side walk it was as if every sound had intensified, she had heard gates creaking, birds singing, and she was almost sure she could hear bacon sizzling in a pan somewhere close…but even through all of that she knew she hadn't heard an engine start.

She had text him to put his mind at rest of course, but also to give herself some breathing space before she walked up their drive. It was hard enough walking into the unknown, without worrying that Derek might remain rooted to the spot too. She needed him to go, to enjoy his day with his mom, to be normal…because he was right when he said that this day would be impossible for her, she needed him to have a possible day, so that when she returned later he could share his day with her, make her feel like normal was possible again.

She needed him.

As she rounded the corner and heard his car pull away she allowed her eyes to glance up the hill ahead. Such a familiar street, one she had spent many nights running up drunk after a night out with William, the junction at the end of the road seeing the end of her first car as she misjudged the turn and hit a fire hydrant much to the horror of Mrs Lafferty at number 65 who cared more about the pansies planted in the grass verge than Meredith's accident, she wasn't hurt physically, but her bank balance took a hammering when she insisted she had to replace her wheels because it was all but impossible to get about on two feet!

As she continued to walk she wrapped her arms around herself and rubbed gently to stem the spread of goose bumps that was covering her body, a cold shiver reflecting through every inch of her tiny little frame as she neared the middle of the road, and the next junction, a cross roads…she stood at the corner of the pavement and allowed her eyes to gaze in the different directions, the diverse paths she could take. She could retrace her steps and take the path behind her leading her away from all of this, she could call Derek he could be back in an instant, but she knew that was just prolonging the agony that today could be, to the left a direct route back to her old house with William, four blocks down to the elementary school, take a left and she'd be there… but the thought of seeing the for sale sign resting in the grasses was not something she wished to see, she had agreed to the sale when Mr Worthington had suggested it, but money was tight for everyone so it had remained on the market for some time now with no one eager to part with their cash to buy the property. To the right, behind the trees she could just make out the spire of the local church…a place she had married, and buried her husband, a place where she feared returning to the most, but a place she knew that before the day was out she would frequent for William, only for William. And up ahead a mere 5 minute walk onto the next avenue would have her at their door, the hill spanning up and seeming to join with the clouds as she set off on the path she knew she had to take.

Derek didn't remember much of the drive back into the city, his mind was flooded with imaged of his girlfriend as he tried to play out the different way her day could go and as he pulled into the parking lot he found himself agitated, hitting out at the steering wheel in frustration for not being able to help. He glanced down at his watch and knew by now she would be there, drinking tea, sharing cake….crying? Hell he didn't have a clue and it was hurting him then he could ever put into words.

He sat for a few minutes in silence, composing himself before the ringing of his cell phone rippled through the air and he answered before even looking at the screen.

'Mer?'

'Sorry no Derek its Mom,'

'Mom…sorry I thought, I just thought it might be…'

'I know you thought it might be Meredith dear but you are going to have to try and relax, if she needs you she will call.'

'But, she does this thing, she says she's fine and she isn't and…'

'Derek she let you come here with her, she will let you in, and you wouldn't be here otherwise.'

'I love you mom do you know that?'

'I do, but I won't be too sure if you leave me standing out here much longer Derek Michael, its freezing.'

'I'm sorry, I'm just putting a ticket on the car, I'll be right there.'

'OK I'm underneath the John Hancock tower in Copley Square, you know the place?'

'I do Mom, I remember when we used to come and visit Nance during vacations from college, five minutes. I love you.'

'I love you too son.'

Derek paid his fee at the ticket machine, before closing up the car and heading off to meet his mom. It had been a long time since he had seen her, he knew he should have made more of an effort to visit, after Addi, before… but a day had become a week a week became a month and well a month had turned into too long…he had missed her, really missed her and as worried and petrified he was for meredith he had to relax and enjoy his time with his mom, he owed her that. He couldn't do anything till he heard from Meredith anyway.

'Derek.' He heard the familiar call of his mother across the crowded square and he couldn't help but feel better the moment his eyes set on her smiling form up ahead, he all but fell into a run as he dodged tourists and pulled her up out of her seat and into a bear hug that practically knocked her off her feet.

'Oh Derek, my boy it's so wonderful to see you.'

'And you mom, you look amazing, I'm so glad that you are here.'

'how could I not be, the minute I knew you were flying east I was making plans to be here, I know you said you would fly to me but that would have been crazy sweetheart you are only here for a few days it made much more sense this way.'

'It did…flying in yesterday? Scared you'd miss me.'

'For heaven's sake no Derek, but the thought of a few hours with my boy, or a few days…which do you think I'd pick!'

'Thank you.'

'For what?'

'For being here.'

'Thank you for letting me know you were coming, a few months back I'm certain you would have flown in and out without so much of a hello.'

'You're probably right, and I'm sorry I've been distant things have been...'

'I think I should probably be thanking Meredith too?'

Derek looked over at his mother confused.

'I know this weekend is a living nightmare to her, or it seems that way, but she chose you to help her through it, in her own way she brought you back to me, if only for a little while, so I should thank her. You don't need to explain your absence to me, right now in this split second having you within touching distance, it makes everything ok.' She smiled as she wiped a tear away from her cheek as she grabbed her sons hand before returning the hug he had given her.

'About meredith…'

'Not here sweetheart, do you want coffee? Or a walk?'

'A walk sounds perfect mom.'

As Mrs Shepherd linked her own arm through her sons the pair began a steady stroll off towards the river and she couldn't help but fear he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He had arrived smiling, of course, but he was forgetting one simple factor, she knew him, better than any other man or women who walked the earth, and he wasn't ok.

'Derek?'

'Yeah?' he replied as the pair stood alongside the river, his mom leaning backwards on the railings as Derek looked out over the calm water, his attention focussed on a tourist boat moving slowly their way.

'As much as I want to catch up with everything that has been going on in your life since you upped and left me over here, I think there is more you need to discuss?'

'I'm ok ma.' He stated, so matter of fact, no emotion in his voice as his gaze remain fixed upon the boat.

'And that dear is exactly why I know you are not ok. You're in Boston, the girl you have fallen in love with is visiting her dead husbands family, and his resting place, and you are left out here keeping your old Ma company…'

'I'm glad to be here mom, with you, I'm glad I promise. I just can't…'

'Can't help wondering how she is?'

'Yeah? But how did you know/'

'You and your father are like two sides of the same coin, carbon copies of one another, you were your heart on your sleeve Derek, and your heartache through those beautiful blue eyes of yours. I could even hear the worry down the phone, that's what mothers are for.'

The pair began walking again as Derek began to open up to his mother about Meredith, and how he was feeling.

'She is amazing Mom, she takes over my thoughts 24/7, in a good way, she is my everything, I never thought it was possible to love and care for someone as much as I do Meredith, she is just so, so…'

'Perfect?'

'Yes mom, perfect, beautiful, loving, strong…even after everything she has been through she is still standing. She is the first to admit it's been a struggle, almost a year to the day since she had to say good bye but she is still here, still standing, and at times smiling like you would think she didn't have a care in the world.'

'So she is good at fooling people too?'

'she tries, but if Meredith is 'fine' you know she is falling apart at the seams, and if she is quiet you tend to know she needs to be with her own thoughts, and if she is ripping my…'

'Enough dear!'

'Yeah well I think you get the message!'

'Oh I do, it seems to me you are a big factor in her still standing Derek?'

'She says I am, we fit, or something.'

'And this weekend, here, how is she?'

'not good, not good at all, my heart breaks every time I look at her, when she sleeps I just lay watching her, anticipating her next nightmare or panic attack, I'm awake in case she need me.'

'Oh Derek…are things still so bad for her? I'm not belittling it, I've been there, I know, my hear breaks for the poor girl too.'

'the nightmares and attacks used to be daily, more than once a day even, now not so much, last night before we flew she had one of the dreams, that was the first in a while.'

'Does she know you stay awake?'

'I don't think so? She would just worry about me on top of everything else.'

'Be careful thought sweetheart you need to look after yourself too, she wouldn't want you making yourself ill.'

'I know, I think after this trip, maybe, closure, not altogether, but a year, she has survived a year, maybe things will get easier for her.'

'they will dear, the first year is terrible, you don't think you can live another minute without the person you love, the person you expected to spend the rest of your life with, your soul mate, then in a blink of an eye you're alone and lonely and you just don't ever really see a light at the end of a tunnel. It's like 3 steps forward but then 6 back, over and over again, like trading water and never getting anywhere.'

'I'm sorry if I'm bringing up old memories mom, id never want to upset you.'

'you're not darling, I swear, I miss your father every day, and it took me a long time t remember that life is for living, he wouldn't have wanted me to curl up and leave my family to deal with everything by myself, so you keep going, and everyday becomes a tiny little bit easier than the day before, even if it doesn't feel like it. Slowly all those tiny steps add up, and somehow, against all the odds you come out fighting, living again…for me it was you, and your sisters, you got me through.'

'Us?'

'of course, you were my reason for living, seeing different characteristics of Michael in each of you, remembering all the times he had been so proud of what you achieved…it was all of you that got me to where I am today. Family is what counts Derek.'

'You see dad in all of us?'

'I do, scarily so sometimes and it can be the littlest of things like the way Nancy holds her knife and fork, the complete opposite way around to everyone in the family (except your father), or the way Amelia would kick the step to shake the snow off her boots before she walked into the hall way, or the Mark Sloan wink he only ever learnt from watching your father wind me up across the kitchen, Kathleen and her lists for everything, your father would have lists to remind him to write lists! And Abigail's ability to fall asleep anywhere, I always used to joke your father would sleep standing up on a pin if he thought he could get away with it! And you Derek… you are his double; you have his integrity, his heart, his everything… '

Derek sat himself and his mother down on a small bench that faced out to the river and placed his arm around her before kissing the top of his head.

'I miss him too, every day I miss him, and in a way helping Meredith deal with her grief has helped me revaluate my own, made me stronger, helped to fix grieving holes I had tried to forget existed.'

'She sounds like a remarkable young women Derek, do you think I will get to meet her? I know it's soon?'

'She wants to, she really wants to, maybe tomorrow? Or the next day? But she really wants to see you.'

'Well tell her from me no pressure, but us shepherds stick together so I will be here for her whenever she needs me, she's my family now.'

'Wow ma, you haven't even spent two minutes with Meredith, you don't even know her?'

'I know enough! She completes you, the way you speak of her, even when your worried is just beautiful, you never had that with Addi, I see that now, I always saw it really but I just wanted you to be happy. I get the impression that where as you see things in black and white, Meredith doesn't. You need a spoonful of that, you need her'

'I do, she deserves to happy Ma, her whole life she has had things thrown at her to knock her back down, she barely had a child hood, she has parents who didn't care what happened to her, when she met William for the first time in her life she was happy, and even he was snatched away from her. When I met her ma, she didn't believe in happiness, she barely believed in love, fearing her own mistakes were to blame for the cards she had been so cruelly dealt. She had her friends in Seattle who managed to get her to the west in the first place, the rescued her, but even they admit they had no idea how to keep her a float day in day out, it was hard, so so hard. She was a mess, she will openly admit that. How she was still breathing is still a mystery to me now, yet somehow, despite the pain and the suffering she still is, she got there even without a family like you Ma, she still got there.'

'That's where you're wrong Derek dear.'

'I don't understand?'

'she has got a family, maybe not in the conventional sense but a family all the same, you, her friends, her husband's family…me, she has the support and we aren't going anyway.'

'I know I won't be.'

'Neither will I dear, neither will I.'

On the other side of the city, Irene and Harold Worthington were waiting silence in their living room for a very special arrival; the sound of the ticking clock could be heard so clearly as the pair patiently waited in their own way. Irene poured her third cup of tea of the morning, her own hands shaking as she picked the saucer up to take a sip, and Harold (Harry to his family), paced the floor boards, casting an eye on the drive way every thirty seconds or so to see if she had arrived. As Irene pointed to the tea before him he allowed his gaze to leave the window as he retrieved the cup, passing a small, delicate smile over to his wife as he reached for a biscuit to dunk into his drink.

BANG BANG BANG…

the familiar sound of the knocker filled the house, the pair instantly knowing who was at the door, she was here, only Meredith would use the knocker….


	64. Chapter 60 Derek

Hya everyone wow it feels like AGES since i was here! I am so sorry for been MIA i broke my lap top by fallign asleep in bed with it on my lap, and it falling off the bed and landing on the power cable which resulted in the power pack connection shooting off inside the lap top and disconnecting from the motherboard! (so the tech guys tell me) luckily it was insured and after 2 weeks of feelign LOST from the world it is finally back and i can write again.#

to everyones whose stories I read and comment upon i am so sorry i havent for the past few weeks! ive hated missing updates! i promise to start readign again tonight and getting cvaught up!

thanks for your patience

enjoy xxx

Chapter 60 – Derek….

Meredith looked up at the familiar house ahead of her, the whitewash front still looking as new today as it had years earlier when William and his father had spent the summer painting it, and repainting it when Irene had innocently pointed out that they had missed a bit! Her eyes drifted up to the top left hand window – Williams, the curtains closed across, the only room in the house that appeared to show someone still sleeping and she couldn't help but wonder just how long they had been closed.

She was a mere twenty steps or so away from the overly sized porch that led to the Worthington's front door, and she couldn't help but wonder if the third, white, porch step still creaked and gave the game away for visitors or late night sneaking! She couldn't help but allow herself a small smile as she thought back to the many times she had walked through the door before; hand in hand with William, or the times they had ran to escape the rain and sat on the seats there watching the rain drops fall. She had happy memories here, she had to remember that, memories were good, and they keep you moving forwards even when you try and fight it…. Derek reminded her of that constantly.

She had stood now for at least ten minutes, maybe longer just watching the house, its stillness made her think, just for a moment, that no one may be home, maybe all of this was for nothing. She quickly shook her head and rid herself of the idea, they knew she was coming, they were expecting her. They wanted to see her.

Her feet felt like lead weights, unable to carry her the final few steps she needed. She wasn't sure what to expect, there would be hugging, tears… more than likely, but support? She feared that when she shared her news she would be made to feel like she didn't care, had never cared, and that in itself was petrifying enough to leave her rooted to the spot.

_I don't want you to be alone_

Surely they would understand and see how hard the decision had been to move on, and it was Derek, she didn't think she had ever actually met anyone who hadn't liked him. He was a crazy people person who people actually swooned over. And he got her, he totally got her and she needed them to get her too.

Her heart was racing, she was sure if someone looked close enough they would actually see her coat contract with every beat of the organ that was finally beginning to heal, Derek…he had helped heel the hole that she had felt would always be there, he had made things better, and it was the thought of his smiling face that encouraged her to begin the small route to the door, with each step she closed her eyes and imagined him standing beside her, holding her hand, reassuring her. He was her reason for facing what today would bring. She heard his words and felt his presence.

_You can do this._

She knew they wouldn't be expecting it, just a year after their sons passing it would shock them to the core to know that she, his wife had moved on, and was trying to be happy. A year…a whole year, 365 days without William, she missed him, or course she did, he was her everything, and she was pretty sure if she had stayed in Boston she would barely be standing, but she hadn't stayed, she had fought the happiness for long enough, she had tried to stay fixated in the past…. but her friends, and Derek… he had made everything possible again, they had to understand that…right? No one in Seattle had judged her for moving on with Derek, Alex and Cristina had realised very early on, how good the pair were for one another and had never even mentioned the time frame to her. One year, Meredith knew it sounded crazy, if she said it out loud or heard someone else discussing it she would be shocked someone could move on so easily, but what she had to make people realise was that it wasn't easy, she had wanted to run, and hide, and not give herself happiness, but even throughout all the doubt and hiding her feelings didn't go away, and neither did Derek's. He stuck around, he made living possible again, without him…well it didn't really bare thinking about.

She had promised herself the minute she made the decision to move to Seattle that anniversaries, days of significance, she would be here, and she had kept that promise to herself, she was here to see them, to see William, and as her hand lifted to reach for the knocker she knew there was no turning back.

'Meredith!' the familiar voice filled the air as she dared look up from her fixated spot on the floor.

'Hel….Hi…Hi' she whispered as she took a step closer towards Harold and allowed herself to be embraced by his arms, her body shivering slightly as she allowed herself to hold him back, before pulling away and looking up at her father in law…. The eyes, they were exactly the same, when William was alive it had been an on going joke about how much he had looked like his father, and people used to wind Meredith up asking her if she found Harry attractive, and she had better because that's what William would look like when he was old….

She swiped a tear away from her eye as he stepped forward and placed his hand on her cheek. 'I know Meredith, I know.' He soothed as he led her through the hall way and into the living room at the front of the house.

'Oh Meredith.' Irene cried as she saw the girl she classed as her own daughter for the first time in 9 months, 'you're here.'

'I am…yeah, I promised.'

'Come here let me see you.' Irene requested as Meredith took a few slow steady steps forward and for the second time allowed herself to be encompassed by the love and warmth this family had always shown her, she had been one of them…. She would be still she hoped after wards….

'Oh Meredith, the size of you, I knew you moving out there was too much, do you eat?' Irene gasped as she held her daughter in law close against her, her hands unable to avoid her bony ribcage as she soothed her back.

'I eat, Der…My friends, they cook and make sure I eat.'

'Are you sure?'

'I promise, you'd have been more worried if I had walked in here looking like a sumo wrestler.' Meredith smiled as she sat back a little, but allowed Irene to keep tight hold of her hands.

'True, true, you were always a petite tiny little thing. William used to say….' Irene stopped suddenly as her eyes met Meredith's, her hand coming up to her mouth as if to excuse the words that had just left her.

'Used to say? You stopped?'

'Oh, its just I said used to… and well I thought it might be too soon, its just he is…'

'You can talk about him Irene, please, I talk about him, De…my friends, they have helped, and now I talk, sometimes anyway. But you can talk about him to me, it was William, he deserves speaking about.' Meredith smiled as she felt Irene's hands relax in her grasp.

'Oh he does Meredith, he does, I knew you would always love him.'

'I will. Always, I will always love him.' Meredith whispered as she closed her eyes for a second as the fear quickly re-entered her thoughts….

I will always love him, but I'm not in love with him…I love you, I am in love with you.

'Meredith?'

'Yeah? Sorry I was miles away then.' Meredith blushed, a guilty feeling spreading through her veins as she replied, her heart rate quickening again as she feared they would be able to hear it.

'It's ok would you like some tea?' Harry asked as he placed a genltle hand on her shoulder

'urm, coffee would be great if that's ok, black.' Meredith smiled as she avoided staring directly into his eyes.

'No worries, of course, be right back.' Harry smiled as he moved into the kitchen leaving his wife alone with Meredith.

'so.'

'so?'

'How are you Meredith? Really? This year has just been the hardest and I still cant believe…you know?'

'I'm ok, I think. I'm still standing, which I didn't think would ever be possible, but I'm standing, and I'm trying…and, I'm ok.'

'you are?'

'Yeah, I am, its not easy, its never been easy, I spent a long time hiding from the world, contemplating my own future, crying… but now, things are different, its easier or…'

'Easier? Losing William is easy?'

'What? No…no I don't mean that, I would never mean that.' Meredith gasped as she tried to back track over how she had worded her reply.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, its so hard Meredith, every day I wake up and I think he is here, that it was all some horrific nightmare that I'm finally waking up from…and then I'm reminded he isn't here, I open his door and his room, your room, its exactly as you left it, you may even have some things in there that you forgot about. I don't touch anything, I just sit, it makes me feel closer to him, it helps, sometimes….'

'I know, believe me I know, he should be here, he deserves to be here, he didn't deserve to…he really didn't.'

'How? How are you still standing Meredith? You look like you need an eating plan to get some meat on your bones, but you don't have the look of devastation behind your eyes like when you left. Something is different.'

'It took a long time, a year, a whole year without him and when it first happened, when Will died I expected the pain to be the same today if not worse. I didn't for one second think 365 days later I would be smiling and laughing as I remember our past together, I never expected half of what's happened this past year….and there are days still when I feel like disappearing, that no one would miss me or notice if I'd gone, even with De…my friends, even when I'm with them I wonder if life would have been easier if I'd died too.'

'Oh Meredith, sweet Meredith, please don't think like that, you don't deserve to disappear; you deserve to be happy…you do. No one deserves this.'

'For months it was hell…. Even that's too mild a word to explain it, there was no point in going on, I pushed everyone away, I couldn't let anyone help me.'

'I used to call, when you got to Seattle.'

'I know, and I'm sorry for so long the thought of speaking to you broke my heart, I was selfish, I see that now, but I felt like I would just make you feel worse, I was a mess, you think this is tiny, you should have seen me 6 months ago, Dere…Cristina, she was ready to have me admitted to an eating disorder clinic and have them force feed me!'

'Oh Meredith, you should have let me in, even when you started answering, I might have helped. You could have opened up to me I will always be here for you dear, no matter what, I think of you as my own daughter, I always will.'

'I was fine.'

'Fine? Even I know fine is code for falling apart at the seems Meredith, William taught me that one.' Irene smiled as she mentioned her sons name again, happy to see Meredith able to hear it without breaking down.

'I need a new code.' She smiled as she thought back to the concern that William used to show her when ever she dropped the word in, and how Derek now too knew exactly what to do when she was 'fine.'

'You do.' Irene said as she ran her fingers lightly over Meredith's hands, glad to have her with her again, especially this weekend.

'Oh…' Irene gasped as she pulled back suddenly from Meredith's hands

'Oh?' Meredith asked as she sat looking puzzled at her mother in law, ex mother in law type person.

'Here we go black coffee, and cookies, you still got to love the cookies right Mer?'

'Cookies, yeah…thanks' Meredith struggled to reply as she held onto the tears that were threatening to flood her cheeks.

'Everything Ok here?' Harry asked as he placed the tray down in front of Meredith and his wife.

'Irene?'

He too now glanced at his wife, as Meredith followed her gaze down to her bare left hand…no ring…

'You…you haven't got….' Irene sobbed, as she stood up and almost knocked the tray of coffee over as she hurried out of the room.

'Irene please?' Meredith called as she too stood and made an attempt to follow.

'Leave her Meredith, this happens, something reminds her and she reacts, she will be ok.'

'I don't think its that.' Meredith pointed out as she stood along side Harry and placed her hand in his. 'I think its this.' She nodded as she held her left hand in his and his eyes looked down her long fingers and rested upon her empty ring finger.

'Oh…oh…'

'Yeah.'

'When?' he asked as he placed his other hand around her shoulder

'It was time.'

' I understand Meredith, I do, Irene, she will come around, just today, and what the weekend is its big, to her its only been a year, but to you…'

'Its felt like a lifetime. And the ring, it was just making things harder again, I was living my life at a ten, every day the pain hit ten, no matter if it had started off well, with every glimpse of the ring it sent me into despair…the ring was everything that I no longer had, I had to…'

'I know, I know, I understand Meredith, you don't deserve to live your life at a ten. How bad is it now?'

'Right now 9.5, but that's to be expected right? But normally, day to day, a seven, maybe an eight, but that's progress right?'

'It is?' he smiled as he pulled her into a hug, eager to protect the girl he would forever call his daughter, regardless of a ring on her finger.

'Do you think we could go and talk to her? I don't want her to hate me.' Meredith sobbed as she allowed herself to be guided out of the room by Harry, and out towards the porch.

'Reenie, come on love, this is Mer, sweet little Meredith, she doesn't need this reaction from you right now, it was time.' Harry soothed his wife as he sat down next to her on the wicker seat before motioning to the chair beside him for Meredith to take.

'I'm….sorry, really, its just one of the things that had never crossed my mind. It was your ring, from him…and now its gone?'

'It hasn't gone, its not here right now but it isn't gone, its in my hotel room, on my bedside table, at home when I sleep its always right there, and here when I close my eyes it's the last thing I see. But to have it on my finger every day was breaking me, it wasn't fair on…William, he would understand he would get this.'

'He would.' Harry smiled 'wouldn't he Reenie.'

'He would, I'm sorry, I had no right to react like that.' She smiled as she leant forward and took Meredith's hand back in her own.

'Just because there is no ring on my finger doesn't mean I will forget him, that's impossible. Memories of William forever flood my brain, I can be cutting when suddenly I break into fits of giggles and the whole scrub team look at me like I've lost my marbles, but the reminder of William hiding all the presents around the house for me to find, or the silly voices he used to make when talking to the cat…little things like that keep me going every day. I guess over the last couple of months I learnt to appreciate and enjoy the happy moments, and not so much live off the desperation of the bad!'

'Have you been to see Will yet?'

'Not yet no, I wanted to come here first, and, I haven't been for a few months and im scared, and petrified and a million other emtions right now, and I just wondered if you would like to come with me?'

'Oh Meredith we would be honoured to walk down with you.'

'Id like to talk to Will, just me, but I don't want to do it completely on my own, not today.'

'Thank you, for letting us in Meredith, I will be right back I will just grab the coats.' Irene smiled as she kissed Meredith on the cheek and moved back inside.

'So, you look well kid.' Harry smiled as he tapped the chair for Meredith to move next to him.

'kid?' Meredith laughed as she sat down next to him and placed her head on his shoulder as she allowed him to wrap his arms around her and hold her close.

'Yeah you're a spring chicken compared to me, so kid works, it fits!'

'it does.' Meredith smiled as she closed her eyes for a second, preparing herself for what was to come once she got to the graveside.

'you have settled in Seattle I hope?'

'I have, it took a long time, but I'm there, and I'm happy.'

'and you're friends are they still living out there with you?'

'yeah Alex and Cristina, they are pretty great, the knew how to keep my head above water when I was drowning in devastation that's for sure, and the house is…a house but to be honest I'm hardly ever there becuse I have the trailer too, that's more like home. I never ever thought Id have a home again but Derek's trailer feels more like a home than I ever imagined….'

'trailer?'

'oh…yeah, house in the woods, inside a tin can or what ever, but don't let Derek ever find out I called it a tin can, air stream I think is the official line, and it doesn't look much, big silver tin can, nice lights, a hammock…'

'Derek?'

'oh….'

'Meredith?'

'Yeah?'

'Whose Derek?'

'Sorry I meant Alex…yeah Alex, he has this trailer and'

'Meredith don't….'

'and De…Alex, he pointed out that bears wont actually try and eat me out there, but I laughed and said I wasn't scared anyway….'

'Meredith stop….' Harry placed his hands on either side of her face as he tried to get her to stop her ramble 'Stop Meredith, its ok, its ok.' The fear in her voice evident for al to hear as her ramble continued to discus the space and limitations of living in a trailer.

'Please Mer, stop, its ok, you can tell me…. its ok.'

'It is?' she sobbed as she realised what Harry was saying.

'It is…who…who is he?'

'Whose who?' Irene smiled as she ventured back onto the porch and took in the sight of her husband and daughter in law both holding back tears as he cradled her shaking body in his arms.

'Derek.' Harry smiled over to his wife, his eyes pleading with her not to react in the way he feared,

'De..Derek? Derek who?' she asked as she perched on the edge of the seat and pulled a few wisps of Meredith's now wet hair from her face, gently, desperately trying to not upset her further. Her own heart beating with fear of the words that were about to come out of her daughter in laws mouth…but words too she knew at some point she would have to hear….William hadn't wanted her to be alone.

'Derek…Derek Shepherd, heard of Neuro at the hospital I work in.'

'and Derek is?' Irene questioned, even though she knew in her heart what the answer was.

'Derek is….the only reason I'm still alive today….quite honestly he saved me.'

'Derek…is…maybe we should be thanking this Derek.' Harry pointed out as Irene fell quiet and tried to process all she was hearing.

'Thank him?' Meredith asked, the confusion ripe in her voice.

'Yes when you left here I feared the next time I saw you would be to say goodbye, I didn't think a year down the line you would still be here Mer, I thought we would lose you too.'

'oh…I was close, seriously, which I know sounds pathetic and cowardly, but when William died I didn't see any way I could possibly keep taking breaths without him by my side, he was it for me, everything. And I fought my feelings for Derek for so long, and he never once pushed me or hurried me into making steps forward with him…not once. He waited, and waited some more…but in the end…'

'you fell in love with him?' Irene asked as she stood from the seat and wrapped her arms around Meredith.

'I did, and I'm sorry, so sorry if you hate me or want me to leave, I didn't go to seattle for this, I didn't go to seattle for anything apart from to run as far awy as I could manage….but Derek is just so….and he makes me so….'

'Happy? You're happy, even through the horror of the past year, past few years even as William battled this you came through smiling Mer. You give me hope for so many things to see that you have someone so patient and caring towards you.' Harry smiled as he joined his wife in embracing Meredith, each eager to show Meredith that they understood.

'we would never hate you Meredith, and I know that this cant have been an easy decision for you.'

'It wasn't, not at all, and there are moements now when I have to be reminded that it was the right one. But William's words will forever live on in my heart.'

'words?'

'a letter, he left a letter for me under the tequila, the one place he knew I would look once the end came…and he told me, quite honestly, that he wanted me to love again, that the thought of me living my life alone was more petrifying to him than his own impending demise….he wanted me to be happy.'

'oh he did Mer, so much, and as much as it would be easy to disapprove of this, there would really be no point. You deserve to be happy Meredith. You were a good wife to Will, the best…he only wanted the best for you.'

'I think he would like Derek, I have this dream where William is walking through the store, shopping for a man for me, and every time he arrives at my door with Derek….it helps, he would want this for me im sure. I know its quick, a year, that's no time really, but for me the past year has felt like a life time, each day seemed to last three times as long as it normally would, every minute seemed to take an hour, but with Derek he makes time keep moving, he keeps me smiling, he loves me…. He really is something special, I could even imagine William and him being friends as crazy as it sounds,'

'I'm sure too Meredith, I'm sure.' Harry and Irene whispered together as they allowed their own eyes to meet. The hurt and sorrow was evident across each of their faces, but they also knew that the welfare and future of the tiny framed girl in their arms was just as important, after all they had each other to rely on day in day out, they had each other to remind themselves of a point of living and Meredith needed that, she needed someone.

'He is here' Meredith smiled as she stood away from the couple 'obviously not technically here as in your house because that would be silly and would mean he was playing a completely unnecessary game of hide and seek…but in Boston, he is in Boston, he is in the city visiting his own mom, she flew in from New York to see him…and I know its a lot, and I appreciate you not kicking me out or banishing me or whatever, but at some point, this weekend, I would love you to meet him, if you think you could? William comes to me in my dreams and it feels like he gives me his approval when he smiles at me, but he isn't here, you are….'

'it would be an honour to meet Derek Meredith, a real honour.'

'I was coming alone initially, I didn't want to ask Derek or assume he would want to come, but then I started struggling again and finding things difficult, and he didn't even think twice about booking a ticket, he booked it and told me just as I'd plucked up the courage to ask him, he got there first. He is my rock, he would have you believe he had god like qualities, but he has a big head and has to be told otherwise.' She smiled as she continued to ramble, completely unaware that the two people she had feared facign were supporting her, they loved her, and more than anything the realised the importance of her being happy.

'meredith, he really does sound like a great find, and we mean it we really would be honoured to meet him, if that's ok, we don't want to make him feel awkward or anything.'

'you…you… you're not mad? You don't hate me?'

'No, meredith never…we love you.'

'thank you.'

'thank you dear, for being honest, I always knew you were special.'

'do you think…would it still be ok if we…'

'William?'

'yeah I really want to talk to him'

'I know…'

With that three figures set off hand in hand back down the path that a few minutes earlier had seemed so daunting and uncross able to Meredith, but now, perhaps she really could believe in happily ever after.

_I don't want you to be alone, when it happens, I don't want it to be just you..._

it wasnt...


	65. Chapter 61 Mom

urm WOW... i have severly had my arse kicked by real life and so its well over a month (infact its nearly 2) since i updated and i am so so so sorry for the delay!  
as a teacher work keeps me pretty busy, but then we had OFSTED in which is the hardest thing ever as the school gets inspected beyond belief, and family problems too have caused me to be away from the computer an awful lot! plus tonsilitis, an ear infection, a sick bug and a chest infection all withint he last month has more or less kept me out of action!

to everyone who has been waiting i am sorry for the delay! and hope 9 pages in word are a good enough aplogy! with the promise to try and write more again soon! maybe even more today in my other fic as i am workign on that now?

it was hard to get back into writing, and at times i have to admit i had to reread sections to get back into the emotional place where this fic belongs!

it was a tough chapter to write after such an absence so i hope i ae managed to do the scenes justice!

please read, enjoy, comment... thank you for all your support and patience xxxx

Chapter 61 mom

Caroline looked over at her son as he stared at the menu in his hands, his shaking hands, and felt an ache in her heart she had only once felt before. She knew what she was witnessing was true love, even without meeting Meredith, the way her son spoke of her was more than enough evidence to know that she was the person he had been searching for his whole life, she knew they completed each other, and as much as she knew she wouldn't be able to push to see Meredith during the trip she couldn't help but hope to be able to hold her close and welcome her to her family, she needed a family, she needed love, even in his nervous state before her, for the first time in, forever, she felt like she had her son back and she needed to say thank you.

She watched his eyes scan the choices, repeatedly, as minutes ticked on no words were spoken, and as she lay her own menu down she reached over and carefully took his from him and passed her son a small, delicate smile.

'She will be ok you know?' she whispered as she encompassed his hands with hers, applying a little pressure to make him know she was here for him, 'after what she has gone through Derek, she will be ok.'

A tear threatened to escape his beautiful blue orbs as his worries and trepidations flooded across his face as he looked up and met his mothers gaze.

'You have been staring at that menu for well over fifteen minutes, even though they have barbecue chicken on the menu, and you always order it! And your eyes haven't even reacted to the cheese cake that's screaming to be eaten in that chiller over there! Don't let the choice of lunch be another thing you are worrying about dear, I know what you like.' She smiled as she beckoned the waiter over and placed the order.

'Thank you.' He responded as the waiter left the table 'all the words seemed to swirl together, my heads just…full.'

'I know dear, I know, but sitting here, worrying, isn't going to help Meredith, if she needs you she will call, and if she does, she needs you to be the boat that has kept her a float, .

'I know Ma, it's just…I've told you she avoids, and she does it well, I'm just scared she will run, and I will have no idea where to find her.'

'Derek dear, from what I have heard the only place she will be running too is you.'

Derek again looked into his mother's eyes, the familiar shape and colour glistening back at him and smiled as he felt empowered by her love.

'I don't know what I'd do without you Ma.'

'Well I'm right here, for you, and Meredith, I'm right here.'

The leaves and dried grass crunched and snapped under her footing as she made the endless journey through the cemetery, each strident break appearing to echo around the walls of the church yard, sending shivers down her spine, her heart rate quickening as she neared her destination.

From the gate behind Irene and Harold stood absorbed by the petite frame of their daughter in law as she slowly disappeared down the path, each deciding this was the place to leave her, to let her do this alone, but remaining close enough to catch her if she fell apart. She didn't deserve to be alone, no one did…

As she approached the old, shadow casting oak tree she stopped and allowed her gaze to fall to the right, her eyes drew a mental line between the tree and the church house and she knew if she allowed her glistening spheres to look down she would be with him.

six slow, laboured steps followed as she silently made her way to Williams resting place, his black granite headstone sparkling in the afternoon sun and she couldn't help but smile as she noticed the blue and pink flowers that graced his space, Irene had promised their wouldn't be a day left without flowers, he wouldn't be forgotten, she felt a guilt in her heart for not bringing flowers too, in the morning fear she hadn't thought to stop, not for flowers anyway…

'hi…' she croaked as the emotions raced through her body as she reached out her hand and ran her fingers over the lettering of his head stone, her heart beat pulsating so loud she imagined his parent could hear it all the way back at the gate, she stood in silence a few minutes as she waited…

'I don't know why I do that, wait, I guess I just think one day, maybe…you might reply.' She whispered as the first tear escaped her and traced a perfect line along her pale cheek. Her legs felt weak as she steadied herself on the stone, before gently lowering herself onto the grass in an effort to be closer somehow to him.

'I live in Seattle now, the rainy state, you always joked id follow Cristina didn't you.' She smiled as she thought back to the days William would joke about her loving Cristina more than him and her panic as she used to fear he meant it….

She sat in silence a few minutes longer as she allowed herself to break down a moment, the tears coming quick and fast, her chest heaving as she battled for breath…

'I…I…'

She ran her fingers through her hair as she battled to express the words she knew she needed to say, needed to share. As she composed herself, she forgave her weakness, this was to be expected, it was meant to be hard.

'I haven't stopped thinking about visiting you, about what I want to say, but now, sitting here it's like all my words are stuck…I'm stuck.' She whispered as she pulled her back away from her face in elastic as the strands repeatedly stuck to the tears on her face.

'your letter…I read it, a lot, and it helps, I think you knew it would, and…I replied, which is crazy I know because you can't read it, but I hope you can hear it, I feared this would happen, that I'd be a mess here, so it's here…' she pointed out as her hand ventured into her pocket and pulled out a pale pink envelope, Williams name scrolled across the middle, the m slightly smudged, a reminder of the tears that fell as she wrote….

'I know this is weird, I bet you are rolling your eyes at me right now, but it helped….it helped, and I brought this too, Dutch courage.' She smiled as she took a small flask from her other pocket, slowly unscrewed the lid and took a shot. 'Jose still works wonders.' She laughed as she poured a small amount onto the grass directly in front of Williams's stone, 'wouldn't want to leave you out. So a letter, I guess when you knew you were going to leave, and didn't have the words to speak that you found this to be the way to tell me what you wanted, and I think that fits for me too.'

As she carefully took the paper from the envelope, her hands shook as if she didn't know what was inside and she began…

'_William, I miss you, seems like that right place to start, I miss you every single day, when I walk down the street I expect to see you coming towards me, or when my phone rings I still expect it to be you telling me you will be late…I always think it's you, and don't even get me started on the strangers I've tapped on the shoulder in the store because they had your coat, or your cologne on… _

_I miss you, and I will always love you, you will forever have a special place in my heart, in my life, lately though I think I'm understanding you more, us more…and when I think back to your letter, things begin to fall into place._

_I'm not alone William, but I get the impression you already know that, you decided long before you left me that you wanted me to move on, and as blinded by fear as I was I think I have managed that, and I truly believe you guided me towards Seattle, towards happiness, towards Derek…it was all you, you knew I'd run, and you knew I'd run to cristina, to Seattle, and somehow you guided me there to Derek… and even though I fought like crazy to build walls around me, avoiding, your words helped to break them down…you didn't want me to be alone._

_I love you William, and I will forever, and Derek understands that, when you were alive you made me so incredibly happy, and even now, after everything else you continue to do so, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to go wrong, but I feel blessed to have you as my guardian angel William, and with you looking out for me I truly believe I can be happy, with Derek I can be happy. I am in love with him, I hope you don't mind me telling you that, he makes me complete, he has made me believe in second chances, and he has given me a reason to wake up in the morning and keep moving, he is exactly who you would have picked….you did well…._

…

…

_I will never forget you…_

_Thank you…..'_

The tears were streaming down her face now as she gasped for air, before allowing a slight giggle to escape her lips.

'I can hear you you know, laughing at my rambling… I hope you don't mind that I read it, if not id have left today regretting not telling you how I feel, you gave me the hope to love again and I am eternally grateful for that William. I'm going to leave this here, I like to keep my letter close, and I thought you might want to do the same so I brought a plastic thing…to keep it in, so I will just leave it here, I think it belongs here.' She reached down and placed the letter up against the head stone, her left hand glaringly empty as she did so and her own breath catching in her throat as she flinched.

'It might not be on my finger anymore but I take it everywhere with me Will, right now its beside my bed in the hotel because I couldn't leave Seattle without it, but to wear it upon my finger hurts so much, and I fear it makes Derek scared that I'm not ok, I tell him I am happy with him, that I love him…if I were to wear your ring as I said those things then it would make me a hypocrite, I hope that's ok and that you understand…'

Meredith jumped slightly as a flock of birds flew over head, breaking her thoughts as their chirps filled the air, a small smile covering her lips as she understood their presence, it was ok….

'I'd like to come back tomorrow, and Monday before I leave, and I'd really like you to meet Derek, I'd like him to come here…if that's ok, he is probably worried now' she glanced down at her watch, amazed to see over an hour and a half had passed….

'I have to go, but I promise to be back, forever in my thoughts will….forever…..' she whispered, her eyes red and filled with cascades of water, as she stood up and walked slowly backwards away from the grave, away from William, her body refusing to turn away and put her back to him, her eyes never leaving his resting place as she inched back slowly….

'I'm not alone.'

'Are you going to eat your cheesecake dear, it seems such a waste?'

'Just not hungry I guess, do you think they would box it up, I know someone who would devour this in minutes.' He smiled at his mother as he motioned for the waiter, a smile falling on his lips as the cheesecake was taken to be boxed up for Meredith.

'I'm sure she will love it.' Caroline smiled as she pushed her sons hand out of the way as he went to pay. 'I want to buy my son lunch, but looking at the clock id say it's nearer to dinner!' she laughed as she placed bills out on the table and stood to retrieve her coat.

'It is late.' He sighed as he helped his mother into her coat, before offering his arm and walking out of the restaurant.

'You could call her Derek; I'd say enough time has passed to be allowed to call.'

'You think? I don't want to pressure her or interrupt her time with William, or his family?'

'I think you better, otherwise that grip you have on my arm is going to leave a bruise, your tense dear, just call…'

'I'm sorry, I didn't even realise.' He gasped as he ran his fingers along her forearm to brush away any pain he may have caused.

'I'm fine Derek, takes more than a nervous hold to hurt me'

Derek quickly flipped open his phone, held down his speed dial and waited for her voice to infiltrate his thoughts….

'hi, Its Meredith, sorry I can't get to the phone right now, please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can….BEEEEEEEEEEEP…..'

He flipped his phone shut at the alarm of the beep ricocheted around in his thoughts….straight to voice mail…

'Fuck!'

'Derek Shepherd!'

'Sorry Ma…shit…sorry…again…' he groaned as he paced the floor frantically as he searched in his pocket for his keys

'Derek dear whatever is the matter?'

'Voice mail…she ran!'

'You don't know that dear, her battery may have gone, she may have no reception on her cell, and there are many reasons why….'

'or she ran Ma, or she did the one thing I've been desperate for her not to do…she ran….she won't let me in, she pretends she will, but even still she doesn't'

'Derek shepherd have you heard yourself! Doubting the women you love, after she visited her ex husbands grave, and possibly told his family that she had found someone to be happy with! I'm sorry Derek but you don't get to be mad at her for running or not running as the case may be…'

'You haven't even met her and you are defending her?' he snapped as he headed towards the car.

'Stop right there, no son of mine reacts like this! You have spent all afternoon telling me how amazing Meredith is, how much she means to you, how she is it for you… if anyone is running right now Derek it is you! You knew today would be impossible, and you promised to be here for her! So getting mad and assuming she is what? Hiding from you? Is just absurd! You need to calm down, try her cell again and we will head back to the hotel, perhaps she went back there, for all you know she could be sitting waiting for you oblivious to the fact her cell isn't on the network! You don't get to ambush the situation until you know the facts, do you understand?'

Derek stood rooted to the spot, a tear appearing to be the only life in his statuesque form as his mothers words hit home, he wasn't this person, he didn't doubt Meredith, he loved her…

'She will be ok.' His mother whispered as she approached him and gently took the keys from his hands, now you point me in the right direction of your hotel and I will drive, you try Meredith again….

He had tried ten, maybe twenty times as his mother weaved the rental car in and out of the traffic as they approached the hotel, every time he had got the familiar sound of her voice mail, and he had done well to not leave a message, scared himself of how his words may come out into the phone.

'I will park the car dear, you head up to your room, if she is not there then come back down to the lobby, I will grab a coffee or a gin… whilst I wait, if she is there, I will wait a half hour before leaving, I don't want to pressure her to see me, not today.'

'ok Ma, thank you'' he called as he all but ran from the slowing vehicle, almost knowing the doorman out as he held the door a jar for him, before he ran to the stairs, no time to wait for the lift to come down.

She parked the car and made her way inside, heading first t the reception desk.

'Good afternoon, would you require a room?' a polite young man named Neil smiled as he stood to greet Mrs Shepherd.

'Oh no thank you dear, my son is staying here, Dr Shepherd, I'm just waiting…'

'His lady doesn't seem too happy' Neil smiled as he returned to his seat.

'Sorry?'

'His lady, she arrived back earlier, I don't like to be nosey but when a pretty guest walks in crying you can't help but be intrigued?'

'She is here?' she gasped grabbing onto the desk to steady her, causing Neil to stand again and make sure she was ok.

'She headed straight to the bar, twenty minutes ago I guess, you can't miss her it's pretty empty in there.'

'Caroline felt her legs tremble as she followed Neil's directions to the bar area, as she turned the corner her eyes fell on a familiar sight before her, even though she had never met meredith there was no mistaking her broken form before her, her knees tucked up under her as she nestled into a comfy armchair towards the back of the bar, her golden blonde hair, now loose from its elastic framing her face, even tear stained she could see how beautiful she was, just as Derek had described.

She took a few tentative steps forwards, closing the gap between herself and Meredith and just as she was about to speak she noticed Meredith's gaze rise up and meet hers.

Meredith gasped as she examined the sparking blue ocean pools ahead of her, the colour and shape identical to the only other person she knew could care as much as the lady before her.

'Meredith?'

'Mrs Shepherd?'

'Call me Mom dear' she whispered as she encircled Meredith into her grasp, and held her close as she began to sob, relief washing over the pair as meredith relaxed in her arms and allowed herself to be loved and cared for by the lady before her.

'sssshhh I'm here dear, and Derek, we are both here, you don't need to face anything alone, ever again.' she soothed as she ran her hands over Meredith's back and hair, as she sat down on the edge of the over sized arm chair, Meredith's sobs slowly disappearing as she held her close.

Just at that moment Derek came running into the bar, he too hearing from Neil that the love of his life was a mess in the bar…

Stopping within inches of the chair that now held his mother and his love, a gasp escaping as he witnessed the sight before him, his mother soothing, caring for the women he loved, and meredith allowing it to happen, not pushing her away…. And they hadn't even met….

'Meredith? Ma?' he choked as he stood alongside the chair, each oblivious to his presence before they broke slightly from each other and the two women turned their gaze to the worried face of the man they both loved. Relief washed over him as Meredith's face fell into a soft smile as her hand rested within his mothers, and for the first time that day he allowed himself to believe that everything would be alright and as his mother stood and allowed him to take her place, the way that Meredith's body melted around his proved to him once and for all that this really was forever.

'I love you.'

'I love you too'

'I love you both'


	66. Chapter 62 disappearances

Disappearances happen. Pains go phantom. Blood stops running and people, people fade away. There's more I have to say, so much more, but... I disappeared.

Meredith lay almost fully submerged in the bath tub, the bubbles Derek had run under the tap as he had filled the tub for her rested high up around her chin, and she appeared to be lost underneath the snow like foam that rested upon the top of the water, all that was visible was her tear stained face, and the top of her wet tresses, her green orbs locked on the steam vapours that were rising up from the water as she battled the desire to close her eyes as every time she did she seemed to relive the heart ache that she had experienced earlier that day.

She knew that visiting the grave would be difficult, she hadn't gone their unprepared for how she would feel, but the reality of visiting had finally broken her and it was taking all her strength to not allow herself to sink down into the water…and just disappear….

[I] It had taken little effort to move Meredith from the bar to the bedroom; his mother had pressed the elevator buttons and stood beside her son as he carried the women he loved in his arms, her small, curled up form rested against his chest, and as the elevator moved up the floors he couldn't help but worry about the weight of her, she really was tiny. She had been doing so well back in Seattle, on the surface anyway, but he couldn't be with her 24/7 and he couldn't help but worry that perhaps the only time she ate was when she was him, he knew she was naturally tiny, but as one hand rested across her back, and the other under her knees he couldn't help but fear that she was her tiniest in a while, and he made a mental note to fix that…and perhaps his mom could help, home cooked food…

He had prised Meredith's hands away from his neck as he had gently placed her down on the edge of the bed and kneeled down between her legs as he ran his fingers through her hair and lifted her chin slightly as he pressed his lips softly against hers.

'I'll be right back, ok.' He whispered as he stood, pressed a further kiss into her hair and moved towards the bathroom door, his heart clenched as he turned and leant on the wooden door frame as he watched his mother encircle Meredith in her arms, and he quickly brushed away a lone tear that streamed down his cheek as meredith allowed herself to be held as she buried her face into his mothers shoulder as the pair entwined their fingers.

He always knew his mother and Meredith would get along when they met, but watching the pair together now surprised even himself, he knew Meredith would never have to prove herself to his mom, but it was clear for anyone to see that Caroline had accepted Meredith as a daughter the moment her son had started speaking about her, and meredith too had accepted the love of a mother, unlike anything she had ever experienced before.

He has filled the bath tub and watched his own tears mix with the lavender scented bubbles as the water had risen as if in slow motion, and when he returned to the bedroom a small heartbroken smile from his mother made it clear that meredith would be in no fit state to walk the small distance to the bathroom, so he quickly closed the gap and swooped her back up into his arms and carried her towards the relaxing water, a slight nod to his mom to let her know he would be right back.

He sat her down on the toilet seat and turned briefly to check the temperature of the water, conscious that she wouldn't scald herself as she lowered herself into the water. The breathe hitched in the back of his throat as he turned back and realised she hadn't moved a muscle from the toilet seat. She hadn't undressed; she just sat, fixated on the towel rail that was heating her house coat and towel. He stepped closer and gently pulled her sweater from over her head before unbuttoning her shirt and began to bring it slowly off her back as it caught suddenly on her elbow.

'Sorry, I can do that.' She whispered as she stood slowly as she finished removing the shirt and unzipped her skirt and allowed it to quickly pool at her feet on the floor, a clear sign that the skirt was too big for her. As she finished undressing she gave dereks hand a gentle squeeze before she lowered herself into the water, the heat radiating through her as she allowed the water to warm her.

'Relax Mer, just take some time for you ok? I have to run mom back to her hotel, but I wont be long, will you be ok?

A slight nod was the response as he leant down and brushed her lips with his own, relief washing over his as he felt her respond and lengthen the kiss, making walking out of the room that little bit easier because she had shown him a little bit of hope… [/I]

Derek glanced down at his watch as he made his way back into the hotel lobby, he had done well for timing, he had been no longer that 20 minutes, and had promised his mother he would meet her for dinner the next evening once he had spent some time with Meredith, Caroline had understood her sons need to spend the day with her and had made it clear to Derek before she exited the car that if he needed to cancel then it would be more than ok, he had ensured his mother he would be at dinner, but said he couldn't promise the same for meredith, and as she hugged her son goodbye he had silently preyed that it would be both of them joining his mother tomorrow.

As he pushed open the door he was surprised to see the room appear empty, he hadn't thought Meredith would stay in the bath the full twenty minutes and he laughed gently to himself as he assumed she had fallen asleep in the water, and headed back towards the bath room to rouse her as the water would inevitably be getting cold by now, and the last thing she needed was to be ill as well as dealing with the trip.

He pushed open the door that he had left ajar before he left and saw the towel and robe resting on the rack to his right and as his eyes quickly scanned the room his heart quickened in his chest as he realised Meredith wasn't visible before him.

He had expected to see her sleeping form lay back in the bath tub but instead at first glance the tub appeared empty, he strove quickly to the edge of the tub, and as the water entered his vision as he drew nearer he felt the bile rise in the back of his throat as he was faced with a scene he had never expected to see…

She was under the water…still….

'Meredith?'

Quickly he dove his hands into the water and grabbed the women he loved and pulled her back up to the surface.

'Meredith?' he called as he held onto her arms and hauled her up, relief washing over him as she gasped at the air as he ran his hand over her face to help clear the water from her airways.

'What are you doing?' he demanded as he breathed a huge sigh of relief as she grabbed his hand to stop him from moving away.

'I was…just…it wasn't what it…I wasn't trying too…' she panted a little, a clear sign she had been under the water longer than she would care to admit.

He didn't wait for her to expand as he reached into the water and picked her up, wrapping the robe around her and running his hands over her body through the material as she shivered in an attempt to warm her.

'what were you doing?' he asked quietly as he held her close in the middle of the bathroom, worry in his heart as her arms fell loose between the two, failing to return his hug.

'I was taking a bath.' She whispered as she pulled herself from his grasp and walked towards the bathroom, pulling the robe tight around herself as she made her way out to the bedroom.

Derek followed her quickly, reaching out for her, relieved when she stopped in the middle of the room, turning to face him 'that's not a bath, I know what a bath looks like.' He surprised himself as the words stuck in his throat, the fear he had experienced when he realised she was under the water rushing itself back to the forefront as he fought to control the tears that were threatening to spill.

'drop it!' she spat, louder than she meant to, as she saw the worry etched across his face and instantly regretted her words the second she finished!

'you went to the grave today…'

'drop it!'

'you went to the grave today, look you went to the grave and it was an impossible day for you, and you had to deal with things, and now your laying in the bath under the water thinking things, and he is…'

'Gone, and everything is back to normal, its not a big deal.'

'except my mother found you broken in the hotel bar, and you are disappearing right in front of my eyes,' he tried to smile as he took her head in his hands and offered her a smile 'do you want me to speak to the chief and get us some more time off? He will give us time till the end of the week if I explain?'

'he would?' she stuttered as she placed her hands over his and allowed him to pull her in close to his chest.

'he would, he gets it. We could stay here, or fly back up to the city with mom for a few days and you can spend some time together!'

'she is really amazing derek.'

'she really is, and I know that this is so much to take in, and the thought of the shepherd clan might freak you out, but Mom wouldn't let any of them crowd you, she would probably hide you from them all if we asked her nicely enough!'

'I don't need hiding Derek…' she laughed as he felt himself relax for the first time that evening, as he saw a little glimmer of the Meredith he knew was in there.

The pair sat down on the edge of the bed and it was a few moments before either rof them spoke.

'You would have drown in the bath tub if I hadn't come back' he whispered as he took her hand in his and began to run his own fingers over her skin.

'I didn't want to drown…'

'Why then? Why Meredith?'

She looked up and her gaze met his, and her heart broke a little as she saw the tears begin to fall, she had scared him, unintentionally, but she really had scared him

'I didn't want to die Derek if that's what you think? I don't want to leave you, I don't want to lose you. You are everything for me. Today was just so… big, and it was quiet in the bath, too quiet, and my mind was playing the events over and over and I couldn't escape.'

'so you went under the water?'

'I wanted to disappear, just for a moment; I needed my brain to turn off'

'How long?'

'Not long Derek, a couple of minutes I swear, I didn't want to leave you, I wouldn't leave you alone.'

'I know, I'm sorry for doubting you, I just saw you under the water and…'

'Derek, it would have been easy to disappear, and I'm not going to sit here and lie to you that I haven't thought about it, but you have saved me and given me the second chance I realise I deserve. I don't want to leave you, I would hate for you to have to go through what I have been going through, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but more importantly I could never leave the man I love. I love you Derek, and even in my darkest of places its thoughts of you that keep me breathing, that keep me walking one foot in front of the other… you are everything to me, and as hard as these days are for me, I'm glad you are here. I can't promise you I'm ok, and I know you wouldn't believe me if I did but I can promise to let you, I want to let you in. I didn't run today, not away from you anyway! I ran here, to you, but my cell battery had gone, and the thought of sitting in the room alone wasn't really appealing so I just stayed in the bar, and hoped that you would find me. I'm done running, unless it's too you, I promise you that'

'I'm so sorry I doubted you Mer, I just thought the situation had overcome you, I thought I'd lost you.'

'It has, this whole situation is kicking my ass, but knowing you are here, that's everything to me,

'I'm here, always Mer, and you're not alone, you have me, and my mom is pretty much obsessed with taking care of you already!'

'I don't know how she isn't telling you to run for the hills after the sate of me today!'

'she gets it mer, don't you see! She has been there, she lost her husband! She admires you, she never allowed herself to move on, yet she sees you here with me and I think a part of her yearns for that too…if anyone gets this Mer then its Mom.'

'I never even thought about it like that before…'

[i] Disappearances happen in science. Disease can suddenly fade away, tumors go missing, and we open someone up to discover the cancer is gone. It's unexplained. It's rare, but it happens. We call it misdiagnosis. Say we never saw it in the first place, any explanation but the truth. That life is full of vanishing acts. If something that we didn't know we had disappears... do we miss it?[/i]


	67. Chapter 63 eight daysjust for a little

Chapter 63 just for a little while

It had taken little, to no time to get Meredith to sleep. He had lay with her for a while as he was pretty sure she was going to fight it at first, with the thought of nightmares and memories flooding back, but the fact of the matter was that the enormity of the day had exhausted her beyond belief, and the only way now she could regenerate slightly was to be asleep, however if she was asleep it meant Derek couldn't be!

He had run his fingers through her golden, damp hair and along the side of her face as he whispered promises that everything would be ok. A small I love you was all that escaped her lips before she gave in to the exhaustion her body was experiencing and it was a good half an hour before Derek had dared to move. He didn't want to risk her waking up from a nightmare and not instantly being there for her so as the clock struck 9.30 and the gentle soothing snores escaped her sleeping form he sighed as he anticipated a long night or worry and anticipation of his own as he promised himself to battle the need to sleep himself.

Even asleep he could tell her mind was working over time, with every little flinch, or sigh his heart broke just a little bit more for the heartache that she was going through. Before the trip her sleep patterns had regulated somewhat, there were nightmares at times but on the whole she had been able to relax once she was in his arms. It was only in the days before they flew east that he had began to notice the flinching and twitching again and as his eyes scanned her petite frame he couldn't help but prey that she would be able to sleep until morning, undisturbed, she needed it.

Determined to stay close Derek padded slowly into the kitchen area of the suite and poured himself a large, steaming black coffee before settling into the arm chair that sat to the end of the bed alongside the window. He typed out a message to the chief on his phone, asking him to call when he was free to talk. And it was a matter of minutes before his phone began to softly vibrate. Conscious of not waking Meredith he quickly jumped up and made his way out onto the large balcony terrace before accepting the call.

'Chief'

[I] Derek, is everything ok? [/I]

'To say today was a tough day would be an understatement.'

[I] that bad? [/I]

'worse'

[I] 'oh...what do you need?' [/I]

I was hoping you might say that.

[I] this hasn't been easy on meredith, and one of the only reasons I still have a promising neuro resident is because of the support and compassion that you have show her Derek, anything, what do you need? [/I]

'Time, we need some time.'

[I] how much time Derek? I want to be accommodating but I need an indication of how long we are looking at here? [/I]

; I know Richard, I know! All I know is if we head back to Seattle on Monday evening and report back to work on Tuesday then I have no idea of how long she is going to survive.' The breathe caught in the back of Derek's throat as the realisation of what he just admitted hit him.

[I] you think she is going under? [/I]

'I'm scared she already sank.' He managed to reply, the chief not deaf to the sobs that followed.

[I] oh… [/I]

'its bad Richard, I'm too exhausted and drained to even begin to put into words what today was like, but I know it is a day I hope to god we never have to repeat, not to such degrees anyway. I need to show her the love and support Richard, please; I need to keep her away, just for a little while. '

[I] of course, I understand, completely, I would rather cope for a week without you both then have you both absent and on the brink day in day out. [/I]

'Thank you Richard, you have no idea how much I appreciate this.'

'[I] oh I think I do, love is a funny old thing isn't it. [/I]

'its not just love now, it's gone way past that, I don't exactly know what is bigger than love, but I'm pretty sure I am experiencing it.'

[I] she is lucky Derek. [/I]

'Lucky? I hardly think what she has gone through can be described as lucky!'

[I] lucky to have you Derek, you are keeping her afloat, you keep her breathing, you made her believe again [/I]

'It is tearing me up inside to see what this has done to her, I can't leave her be for a minute because I am scared of what she might…'

[I] what are you saying Derek? [/I]

'Nothing, I'm just panicking and overly worried, she is just so broken, so frail…so…empty.

[I] do you think she has given up? Is she even fighting anymore? [/I]

'That's exactly what time will give me, I need to make her want to fight, want to move on, not to feel guilty…we need time, I need to be with her.'

'you have time Derek, I will expect you both back here a week Monday, nine days from now…but please, if she isn't ready, if you're not ready please call, it's not an ideal situation but I am willing to help in any way I can. [/I]

'Chief…Richard…I don't know what to say… '

[I] don't say anything, save your energy, just concentrate on Meredith, she needs you. [/I]

'And I need her…so much…so so much.'

[I] she will get through this Derek, it might not seem like it now, but look just how far she has come. [/I]

'It's hard to remember that on days like today.'

[I] I know Derek, I know, but as easy as it is for me to say this, things surely can only get better. Don't give up hope; don't stop believing in Meredith, she can come back from this. [/I]

'I will never stop believing in her, never, she is it for me.'

[I] look Derek that's my pager going crazy across my desk I need to go, but if you need anything please don't hesitate to get in touch. Send my love to Meredith, keep going, you can do this together Derek, keep going.' [/I]

'Thank you Richard, from both of us, thanks you.'

As the chief rang off the other end, Derek found himself resting his face in his hands as he leant on the cold stone wall and embraced the night. He allowed his eyes to close for a moment as he composed himself of the tears he had began to shed as relief washed over him. Time. He had some time to help bring Meredith back from this, and he knew exactly where he needed to do it.

A quick call to the airline had the pair checked into a business class seat each on the same flight back to New York as his mother on Monday, and of course he had his mothers ticket upgraded too, his sisters would never let him live that down if he had left her hoarded into coach!

He took a few wary steps back inside, silently preying to himself that Meredith would still be fast asleep. To his relief when he entered the room he could see her sleeping form in exactly the same position he had left her in…that was good, she hadn't tossed and turned, surely it meant her body was resting. He glanced over to the clock and saw that the time now blinked 10:30…where had that last hour gone? Back in Seattle the pair would have been on a night shift, or watching a DVD and arguing over pizza or a healthy alternative…but now here it was taking all of his strength to keep his eyes from closing.

He moved over towards the edge of the bed and gently allowed himself to relax into the comfort of the mattress; he quickly pulled off his socks and nestled backwards against the headboard, cautiously avoiding any sudden movements that could wake Meredith.

He reached down into his bedside drawer and pulled out his well read copy of The Sun Also Rises and smiled to himself as he thought of the comfort that the book had given to him in the past, and also the comfort he had been able to pass onto Meredith when she had needed an escape…years later his father was still able to act as his guardian angel and he would be eternally grateful for him. He flicked through the pages until he rested upon chapter 16, he knew the book almost word for word and he traced the words that lay before him gently with his fore finger on his right hand…

[I]oh, darling, please stay by me. Please stay by me, and see me through this.' [/I]

A tear streaked down his cheek as he lifted his right hand and gently soothed the back of her hand which had slowly sneaked across towards him; sub consciously, as she slept, as if even in her dream state she had sensed he had returned. As his hand made contact with hers it wasn't long before their fingers had entwined as one, and as Derek continued to read he knew that as hard as this situation was, there was nowhere else he wanted to be….

As she opened her eyes she had little recollection of even closing them the night before, but as she adjusted to the new morning light flooding into the bedroom she couldn't help but smile to herself as she realised she had slept uninterrupted, no nightmares, no panics…yet she sighed sadly as she realised just how much yesterday had taken out of her, how much everything had taken out of her. She hardly even felt like herself any more.

She hadn't tried to kill herself, she knew that, and she hoped so much that Derek believed that too. Vanishing under the water had never been about ending things, it had simply been about the need to hide away, for a matter of minutes that had been what she had needed. To disappear… now that sounded good for a little while, she didn't even mind where too, but the thought of disappearing from the world, or at least the world she was currently living in…that appealed and there was no way she could even begin to deny that. She loved her friends and the support they gave her, and she loved Seattle and the escape it had given her, but the pull towards them right at that moment in time was practically nonexistent.

She just needed time.

She was certain though, that if the possibility of disappearing was to present itself then she would want Derek beside her. She didn't want to hide from him; she wanted to come through this at the other side with her hand placed firmly in his.

As she lifted her head she was relieved to find herself rested upon Derek's chest, his arms wrapped tightly around her, as if to protect her, she leant up and pressed a small, delicate kiss to Derek's lips in an attempt to rouse him from his sleep. Relief washed over her as she realised he too had slept. She had feared he would have watched her from his viewing point in the arm chair all night, ready to comfort if she had needed him or worked on his article for the New England Journal of Medicine that she knew was concerning him because he seemed unable to get words down on the screen like he usually would when asked to write. To see him wrapped around her, getting his own valuable sleep, yet protecting her all at the same time made her heart ache with love for him.

No matter how hard this weekend was, her love for Derek would not falter, if anything it would grow stronger…she knew that to be true already. As she swept a black, wispy curl away from his forehead she couldn't help but think she had never been more in love with anyone…ever…

Ten thirteen… it was late…for them at least.

'Derek…?'

'Hmmm?'

'Derek…you need to wake up.'

'Mer… what's wrong…crap are you…wh-wh-what time is it?'

'Nothing, nothing more than usual anyway, and its a little after 10, we really should be getting a move on.'

'ten…I didn't…I wasn't meant to…crap…what if you had needed me….' He cried as he sat up in the bed and cupped her face in his hands, his blue sparkling pools casting over her entire face as if to search for signs of a nightmare or panic attack.

'Hey…hey…Derek, it's ok, we slept, we both slept and we must have needed it, I don't know the last time I spelt past ten o clock!'

'I didn't want to sleep; I wanted to be here for you in case you needed me.'

'I did need you Derek. I needed you here with me, and that's exactly where you were. You needed to sleep too, not just me. I would have been a nervous wreck today watching you if I had known you had stayed up all night. I'm glad you slept' she smiled as she leant up out of his grasp and brushed her own nose gently against his.

'And you didn't dream? Or wake in a panic? You're ok?' he retaliated as he returned the gesture and tickled her own nose with his.

'Ok is pushing it a little…but no, I didn't dream. Not that I can remember anyway. I think the day got too much for me and made it pretty much impossible to think, never mind dream. Plus I was safe, I was with you.'

'That's good…not good, but good that you didn't have a nightmare or anything.'

'Yeah…'

'You ok?'

'I will be, this was just…a lot…'

'It was…Mer?'

'Yeah?'

'Yesterday was…'

'yesterday was the hardest day yet, and I'm not avoiding I promise, but just for a little while can we leave what yesterday was, we only have two days left and I have no idea what they are going to bring. So for now, for a few hours can we not talk of yesterday? I will talk, I promise, I owe you and myself that…but just for a little while...'

'About that…'

'What?'

'We have eight days, if we want them?'

'I do not understand?'

'the Chief returned my call, he isn't expecting us back until a week Monday so we can head to New York with Ma, if that's ok? And then we can take a few days together, just you and me? Or we can stay in New York and fly back from there, either way we can…just be us'

'We don't have to go back?'

'Not yet no?'

'And we are not avoiding?'

'No Mer, we aren't avoiding, we are just giving ourselves time…we deserve time, you deserve time.'

'Thank you.' She smiled as she leant over in the bed and nestled her head in against his chest, her whole body physically relaxing as he engulfed her tiny frame with his arms and held her close. His own heart beating in unison with hers, a clear sign of how special the bond between the two lovers was.


	68. Chapter 64 I know

Chapter 64 I know

Caroline had been apprehensive when her son had rang her and told her that he and Meredith would be joining her for lunch later that day, she had been pleasantly surprised at first at the prospect of spending some quality time with Meredith away from the heartache that yesterday had been for her. However she knew of course that there wouldn't be a quick fix, the grief wouldn't just disappear! She hadn't pried into how their evening had gone, knowing Derek would confide in her, if and when he felt it appropriate she had simply agreed to the time and destination and promised to be there for her son and his girlfriend. She knew it wouldn't have been an easy night, she had been there, she more than anyone close to Meredith knew exactly the emotions she was experiencing in regards to her loss, and she had found herself preying continuously since meeting her that Meredith would let her in, let her help, not just for Meredith, but for Derek too.

When the phone had rang earlier in the hotel room she had half expected Derek to make his apologies and explain they were staying at the hotel for the day, or that he would meet her for an hour but Meredith wouldn't be up to meeting, and as much as she wanted to believe that by Meredith joining them perhaps meant she was fine or doing better than expected it didn't take long to persuade her otherwise!

As she sat now in the window seat of the café she witnessed firsthand the devastation that the day had left behind on Meredith, and her son! Meredith had walked in first as Derek had held the door open for her, but the minute they were both inside Derek had taken hold of her elbow as if to steady her and guide her towards the table. Meredith hadn't looked up until Derek whispered something to the top of her head and as she raised her eyes she witnessed a slight smile fell across her lips. Caroline watched as Meredith's gaze met with hers, her heart instantly breaking at how lifeless Meredith appeared, her body may have been present in the room but it was clear as day that her thoughts and soul were not. Her son had spoke at length of her mesmerizing, blue, sparkling eyes that had enticed him from day one, but now as she approached the table it wasn't hard to miss the stark, empty grey pools that had taken their place. Her golden hair framed her face, the slightest of curls resting alongside her cheek acting to accentuate her protruding bones casting a clear reminder to the world that Meredith was barely surviving. As she neared closer Caroline could see her porcelain skin was make-up free, however her flawless complexion appeared flush, and her outer eye area held clear signs of the rawness of endless tears. She had anticipated Meredith to appear withdrawn, to be grieving, yet her fragility had surprised her somewhat, it had broke her heart yesterday to witness her crying, but to see her failing to deal with her grief was just as distressing .

As Meredith neared the table Caroline faltered for a moment with how to greet her before she stood and held her arms open for Meredith to fall into. Relief flooded her body as she felt Meredith relax in her grasp and allow herself to be held. As she released her clasp gently she took her own hands and placed them around Meredith's, feeling her gaze upon her. 'Keep strong Meredith, keep strong.' She whispered as she pressed a small kiss to her cheek before steering Meredith to sit in the chair Derek was holding out for her.

She watched her all but collapse into the chair like a tri athlete who had just completed the final stages of a running event. Caroline's stare fixed on the girl she hoped one day she would officially call a daughter as she rested her head upon her hands all most oblivious to her surroundings.

Drawing her attention away from Meredith, she turned to face her son who had now replaced Meredith in the space alongside her. Her breath hitched in the back of her throat as her eyes scanned over Derek's exhausted demeanour and she had to hold onto her emotions as she felt the tears threaten to fall as they pooled quickly along her bottom lids. The son she knew and loved had practically altered over night! When she had left Derek she had sensed his unease and his worry, especially as he had shared some of his inner anxieties regarding Meredith's running and pushing him away, and when she had left the pair alone she had thought that Derek had understood that the only running Meredith had done was into his arms, but now as he stood before her she could tell that something was off, Derek wasn't just worried about how frail Meredith appeared. It went much deeper than that. It was at that moment she promised herself to support her son in whatever way she could, even if that meant pressing him, just a little bit to open up more.

It petrified her to realise that Meredith wasn't the only person in the relationship that needed helping, her son did too.

Caroline leant up on her tip toes to offer her son the hug he deserved, wrapping her arms tight around him, as he too followed suit and engulfed her with his own span. She jumped slightly as she realised he was shaking in her arms, and as she pulled back a little from him she quickly realised that his gaze had not left meredith at the table for a second, he was constantly watching her…anticipating her to fall.

She lifted her hand slightly and placed her palm to his cheek as if to break his train of thought away from Meredith for a moment, Derek responded instantly, pressing his cheek back into her palm and wrapping his arm back around her, his body melting into hers this time, allowing himself to be cared for.

'It's ok.' She whispered as she ran her hands up and down her son's back, a move she didn't think she had completed since Michael's funeral all those years ago without him flinching or moving away at least! 'I'm here, for both of you. I'm here.' She finished as he slowly began to move away, allowing his eyes to meet with hers for the first time that day, as she glanced up she saw her reflection within his tears and the enormity of what her boy was going through hit her deep in the pit of her stomach!

Not only was Meredith barely breathing with the grief, but in his desperate attempt to protect her, Derek was suffering too.

She had to help to save them both.

'Mer? Mom was just asking if you would like some coffee. You with us?' Derek smiled as he ran his fingers through the side of her hair to attempt to gather her attention.

'What? Sorry, miles away.' Whispered Meredith as she traced her own fingers along the patch Derek's had just drawn on the side of her head.

'Coffee?'

'Oh yeah, please, black.'

Caroline sighed to herself as she called the waiter over and ordered the drinks, before gently placing the menu in front of Meredith and sliding it close enough to her hand to make her realise she wanted her to make a choice.

'Oh I'm not really…'

'I know dear, but really you should have something.'

'But I…'

'No buts dear, not now, please? Something light?'

'I…'

'I'm stubborn Meredith; ask any of my children, I won't back down.'

She watched Meredith looked over to Derek, who smiled at agreement to his mothers words before picking up the menu and echoing what she had already heard.

'Just something light Mer, please?'

Meredith nodded her head slowly and Caroline didn't fail to miss Derek's hand fall onto her knee and give her a gentle squeeze of reassurance, and as her son turned his head back towards her she too passed on her own support by offering Derek her hand, desperate to let him know he was not alone in dealing with this.

As the waiter bought the drinks over to the table she began to place her own food order, and as she finished she turned to the pair whose heads were now pressed together as they cast a glance over the same menu.

'I'm really not…'

'Please Meredith. Shall I pick you something?'

'I might not…'

'Just try ok? Please?'

'Ok'

She watched her sons fingers interlock with Meredith's, his knuckles white with fear as he held on tight to the women he loved. Her heart breaking for her son as she realised there and then that he wasn't only afraid of losing her mentally, but physically as well.

He was afraid to let go.

'Have you finished Mom?'

'Yes dear, I went for the chicken and chorizo on brown, with potato salad on the side.'

'Wow sounds great I think I will have the same please.' Derek replied as he watched his order be transferred to the pad.

'And for you Ma'am?'

'Oh, she will have the Basil and Tomato soup please, and a small bread roll.'

As the waiter collected the menu, Caroline fixed her gaze on the pair before her. A couple so clearly in love, but so clearly in so much pain too, for very different reasons.

'Thank you for ordering something Meredith, it might not seem like it, but a little bit of food will help somewhat, I guarantee.'

'I will give it a try.'

'That's all any one is asking Meredith, we promise.'

The table remained relatively quiet for the next ten minutes or so as they waited for the food to arrive, Caroline sensed Derek had something he needed to share, but didn't press him to open up, there would be time for that later she was sure! As the food was placed in front of them Caroline watched as Derek unravelled the napkin and passed it to meredith to place on her knee, she smiled as she saw a moment between the pair as meredith appeared to have accepted defeat over the food, placing the napkin on her lap and swirling her spoon around the orange ocean before her.

She began to eat her sandwich, as too did Derek, but she didn't miss the fact that Meredith continued to make figure of eight patterns in her soup instead of eating it. Derek looked up and caught her gaze and just as she was about to say something the message Derek's eyes portrayed begged her not too, so she stopped, and it was Derek's voice that could be heard.

'Mer, it's going to get cold.'

'What? Oh yeah, I know, it was hot…so I am just waiting a minute.'

'Mer, you haven't even tried it yet.' Derek sighed as he placed his hand upon her back but flinched as she pushed away from him as he touched her.

'Stop looking at me, I am not going to fall apart in the next ten minutes!' she shouted as she pushed the liquid away from her allowing a little of the soup to slop from the bowl. 'I can't breathe. I can't breathe with the pair of you looking at me like that, so just stop!'

'Do you think I want to look at you? Do you not think I would rather be talking to my mother and enjoying my lunch with my girlfriend? Derek replied, angrily now 'I have responsibilities, I am sick to my stomach thinking about how fragile you are and how much you are hurting and I would do anything to not be looking at you right now, but I am, we both are, because we care, you are disappearing before my eyes and it is breaking my heart…you are breaking my heart.' He sobbed now, the emotions billowing out of his body, tears streaming down his face as he saw the hurt and confusion resting upon Meredith's face as he instantly regretted his words. He watched her head fall to the table but he couldn't bring himself to comfort her, instead turning on his heels and walking directly out of the restaurant.

'Derek…' she called after her son, as she moved to sit beside Meredith, wrapping her arms around her shaking form, worried, when for the first time since meeting her meredith didn't respond to her touch.

'Meredith.'

'Just go, he's right; I'm not even worth worrying over.'

'Derek didn't say you weren't worth worrying over Meredith. He loves you, more than I have even seen him love anyone in his life, and seeing you in this much pain is hurting him so much. He wants to be able to help you, to fix you, yet it's an impossible situation, and I'm pretty sure he feels like he is losing control as he doesn't know how to help you heal.'

'All he has done is help, everything he has said and done has been amazing, he is my rock, he is the reason I am still standing today. He is my everything. When I needed answers to why my life had turned out this way he was there, he is always there.'

'I can see that dear, and Derek can too, I had a feeling earlier things were bad for him, but I never realised quite how bad, he is his father's son more than he will ever know! He is my husband's carbon copy Meredith, the anger and the frustration is because he cares, he really does care. He has spent his time looking out for you, he forgets how things are impacting upon himself, and believe you me he will be feeling pretty bad about this outburst in the next few minutes, that I can guarantee.'

'Aren't you going to find him?'

'I'm fine right here meredith, one thing I learnt about my son very early on in life is that he needs space, and time when things blow up for him…he needs time. However I am aware that time is sparse with the fact you have to head back tomorrow.'

'What? Hasn't he told you?'

'Told me what dear?'

'We aren't going back. Well we are, because if we didn't go back it would just mean we were running from day to day life, which we aren't, but we are hiding, just for a little while. Derek booked us tickets to fly back with you, if that's ok? He wants us to be with you. I want to be with you.'

'Oh dear, of course that's ok, I wouldn't have been able to pack you both off on that plane, not like this.'

'I can get a hotel, I doubt Derek wants me around.' Meredith sobbed.

'You will do no such thing, my son is hot headed and a little but stupid at times, but he loves you Meredith, he really does. It will be alright I promise you.'

A full half hour passed and Derek hadn't returned to the café, and Caroline had to admit she was feeling a little apprehensive, Meredith hadn't touched the soup and the plates and bowls had long since been cleared from the table.

'He isn't coming is he?' Meredith whispered as she looked up and met Caroline's gaze. He heart broke for the girl before her as she felt herself willing him to walk back through the door…but he didn't!

'Why don't we go back to my hotel? We can have a drink, talk, I may have even packed some baby pictures of Derek that you might want to see?'

'You packed photographs? Of Derek?'

'I was nervous about meeting you dear; I knew photographs would be a good ice breaker!'

'Oh…'

'Relax meredith, I think the ice has long broken dear.'

The pair set off to complete the short walk back to Caroline's hotel, and as they approached the entrance the concierge opened the door for them and they stepped inside.

'How about a drink at the bar?' Caroline asked Meredith as they stopped in the lobby.

'It's never too early for tequila.' Meredith smiled as she followed her across the reception area into the bar.

'If you don't mind I will pass on that but perhaps a gin would be ok?'

'Oh Caroline I like you more and more.'

'If you will excuse me a minute I just want to change my shoes in my room, will you be ok?'

'Of course.' Meredith smiled, before picking up the small glass before and knocking the liquid back.

As Caroline arrived in her room she fished out her cell from her bag and sighed as she realised she hadn't missed a call from her son. She found his number and sat down on the edge of the bed as she dialled, she wasn't surprised moments later to hear his voice mail click into action.

'Well, how long are you planning on hiding out on us? Because that's what you're doing. You're hiding. You made a mistake, you shouted, William is still dead and Meredith is grieving and you can't hide from that. Not on your own anyway! Meredith told me about New York, come home Derek, come and hide together, please. I know you're angry; I've been there so I get it. But that does not give you the right to just storm out of the café and leave the two women in this world that you love not knowing where you are or if you are ok. You don't get to just leave…not like that. I knew the minute I saw you today that you were falling apart, I know you too well. But this now, isn't helping! You ran, you are doing the one thing you fear Meredith is going to do. Ring me back, please, or make contact with Meredith, anything Derek, let us know you are coming back, you are coming back, right?'

Derek sat in silence as he lifted his phone to his ear and listened to his mother's message. Tears streaming down his face as he regretted for the hundredth time how he had stormed off out of the café. He hated himself for it, that wasn't him, that wasn't the person he wanted to be. Meredith didn't deserve what he had thrown at her.

'I love you.' He punched into his phone as he pressed the send key and watched her name disappear off the screen, his heart rate quickening as he grasped the phone tightly awaiting a reply.

It didn't take long for his hand to begin to vibrate with the notification of a message, the relief washing over him as he read Meredith's name on the screen…two tiny words held so much faith within them, they would be ok…

'I know.'

He closed his phone and bent down to place the glass he had been carrying beside a small pink envelope, he had no idea what had bought him here, and it had taken a fair amount of time to find the spot, it was Meredith's words that had echoed around his thoughts as she had spoken of the secluded spot that he now rested in, and now he was here he had no idea where to even start.


	69. Chapter 65 fail

Hya everyone.

first things first.

this chapter is short, i thought it was going to be epicly long, but getting inside derek shepherds head as he sits at williams graveside has proved much harder than i would have ever believed!

so i decided to post this as 65 part 1, part 2 could have joined the end of this chapter, but i think would have taken away the magnitude of what derek is going through and sometimes perhaps less is more.

i deleted bits, rewrote bits and then eventually started again as i decided that actually only a few words were what we really needed to see here!

i think you should all start to get an insight into how derek is feeling!

hope you agree it works!

for those who have asked in the past, my cousin had a 9 hour operation yesterday to remove her brain tumour, after a very dodgy and shaky 24 hours she is responding well at last and is breathign on her own, and surprised my mum by being awake when she visited!

thank u for all the good luck and prayers for her, i truelu believe she is a miracle to have come through this

please let me no what you think

gem x

Chapter 65 part 1 fail

Derek stood silently as he examined the headstone before him; he pulled his jacket in close to his body and shivered as the late afternoon breeze ripped up a chill and whistled around the graveyard. The graveyard was empty, which surprised him, he had expected to see the odd person visiting a loved one, or even just a passer by using the path as a short cut to the main road, but so far there was no one, well no one except himself, and William. It was as if everyone knew that he needed to do this, that he needed space and quiet.

It was eerily quiet, no birds sung over head, no cars hummed along the road…nothing, as the seconds passed, and turned into minutes it was in fact the sound of his own thumping heart that could be heard breaking through the vast sea of silence.

His head was full, his thoughts were racing around his mind at a hundred miles an hour as he realised he had absolutely no idea where to begin. Add to that he was feeling guilty as hell for snapping at Meredith and storming off earlier, then his brain was pretty much bursting. But somewhere within the congestion of thoughts he knew that being where he was, with William, would help…it had to.

Ever since he had first laid eyes on Meredith he had felt some incredible connection to her, he had wanted to get to know her and inevitably he had wanted to love her, and her to love him, and he did, he really really did, the love he had for her went way beyond anything he had ever experienced before, he was only able to compare it to the love his own parents had held for one another, and even then he was pretty sure it surpassed that.

He loved her so much…yet he had still snapped and let his entire insecurities flood to the surface in one fool swoop, and probably made her doubt his love for her. The thought of which rocked him to the core, because the one thing he was sure of, and committed to within all of his worry was Meredith. He would do anything for her, which he believed had led him here, to William.

When Meredith had first began opening up to him he had known that he had feelings for her, that he wasn't only being there for her as a friend, he had known she had needed time, space and someone to talk to, and he had been all three, and more! And since day one he had never put any pressure on Meredith to move faster than she was ready too, however there was one person he had continuously put pressure on and that was himself!

He hovered, constantly, he knew that. And he had fought with himself at times to back off and allow her more space, yet every time he had been about to give it ago, she had broken down, or ran, or found things all too much, and he had hovered more so than before.

It was breaking his heart to see her so broken, so damaged. He understood she was grieving, and he would never question how she was dealing with the enormity of the situation, he was amazed with how she managed to keep going, and he had to believe that he was part of the reason in her desire to keep breathing. But he couldn't help but find it hard to see her break, despite his biggest efforts to keep her afloat.

He was scared he wasn't enough; he didn't know how to keep breathing for her.

'I didn't mean to come here to you, I don't think I did anyway, but I am worried about Meredith. I acted like an ass earlier, something made me keep running and before I knew it I was in the taxi on the way here…I ran, the one thing I have been begging her not to do, I don't deserve her. Hi…Derek….Derek Shepherd, but I'm guessing you already know that.' He surprised himself as he finally began to speak, pushing his hands inside his coat pockets as he scuffed his feet back and forth along the grass…waiting…

Did he expect him to respond?

'Meredith is trying; she is really trying to keep going. She amazes me, every day I find myself more proud than the day before, the days she wakes up with a smile on her face just fill my whole existence with joy and relief and I allow myself to believe she will be ok. But then something happens, or a date nears, or she feels like she is leaving you behind and all her hard work is undone in an instant and I have to pick up the pieces again, but I fear that soon, all the pieces won't be there any more, I want to help her but I'm scared that I will never be able to give her what she wants…needs.' Tears were running down his cheeks, leaving clear, glistening paths across his flushed complexion as he spoke, his hands shaking as he palmed away the flurry as he attempted to stop himself entirely letting go.

'I have a problem, I haven't admitted that before, but here I am with you and it's just flying out of my mouth like a train with no breaks. I have a problem. Meredith's mother never wanted her, her father wasn't man enough to hang around. And us, together? It's a big step for her. You died, and all she sees now is things like this, they don't work. She panics. She wants this; she doesn't know how to have it. And you know what? It's not her fault… it's not her fault…' he composed himself a little as his words hit home. It wasn't her fault. She hadn't asked for this life, she hadn't purposefully set off on a journey of self destruction. Despite everything it was him she chose to hold at night when things got too much, and even when they didn't! She had wanted him to be in Boston with her. No matter how hard the grief kept on hitting her, it was still his hand she held onto tight.

She really was trying.

She wasn't running, yes she hid and avoided just a little, but at the end of the day she wasn't running from him. She trusted him. Yet he was letting all his worry and concern manifest deep in side of himself, without speaking to anyone, and when it finally became too much he had ran quicker than his legs had ever known.

He was a hypocrite.

He was scared.

'I failed her over, and over, and over...'

_The thing about addiction is; it never ends well, because eventually, whatever it was that was getting us high stops feeling good and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick the habit until you've hit rock bottom... but how do you know when you're there? Because no matter how much a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse._


	70. Chapter 66 Vase

Chapter 66 Vase

The clock was ticking in the corner, the echo of each hand movement vibrated around the room as no other sounds could be heard. Caroline busied herself in the kitchen area, eager to leave Meredith alone for a few moments to sort her thoughts, but also desperate for her not to pick up on her own fear that perhaps her son was stupid enough and stubborn enough to leave the poor girl in the lurch. She had spent the remainder of the afternoon promising Meredith that he would be back and unsuccessfully persuading her to eat. The son she raised wouldn't think twice about standing by the women he loved, but with the worry and pressure he had been under helping to keep Meredith afloat she couldn't help fear that perhaps it had all got just a little bit too much. She had insisted to Meredith that they come back to their hotel after a couple of drinks, eager for her son and the girl she prayed one day would be her daughter to be reunited. She cast a worried glance down at her wrist watch, disappointed to see the same time registered as the echoing clock…it had been hours since they had heard anything, and as she filled the kettle with water for coffee she was certain she could hear her own heart beating in nervousness as she waited…

Meredith sat staring out of the window that over looked the harbour below, it was a clear, still evening and the boats were beginning to moor up for the night which meant Winthrop Peninsula and Deer Island could easily be seen across the sapphire blue expanse of water before her to the North of the City.

She couldn't remember the last time she had explored Deer Island, a place that sounded so inviting by name, but in reality housed a water treatment plant that ruined the rest of the area except for a small, untouched cove to the south, the furthest point away from the plant, a place which held special memories for her as it was one of the few places her and William had spent quality time together after he had gotten sick but before the intensive treatments had begun. She had never got the chance to go back with William once he had started his treatment though, he had been admitted to the hospital before she had ever had chance to mention returning for their anniversary, but now as her eyes remained focused on the outline ahead of her she couldn't help but wonder if Derek would allow her to show him…

She wiped a stray tear from her cheek as she realised once again that her eyes were unable to control the flood that constantly seemed to flow from her green orbs of late. He had text to tell her he loved her hours ago but now his cell was off and neither she, nor Caroline had heard anything from him for hours and she was beginning to worry that he was in fact already heading back west instead of coming back to her and her troubles.

She hadn't met to make him run, and she certainly hadn't intended to be such a burden to Derek…she had thought he understood, deep down she still believed he did, yet the enormity of what he was taking on had seemed to hit him all at once, and meredith couldn't help but fear that her desire to have Derek with her on the trip may have been one selfish act too many. It wasn't fair on the man you love to support you whilst you mourn your husband, who you also love…loved… she should never have asked him to come, or allowed him to go through with his own idea of being here.

By bringing him with her was she in fact pushing him further away?

The sobs over took her before she could even begin to fight it, her heart was beating at an alarming rate, and as quick as she fought for breath it was fruitless as it seemed there was no spare air to breath in, she grabbed desperately towards the smooth glass as the panic attack ripped through her body as the fear of pushing Derek away tore her apart. It wasn't long before her fragile body was falling towards the floor as she failed to steady herself on the frictionless glass, stumbling into the cabinet and sending the vase that sat their sprawling into the air before crashing to the floor, her featherlike form collapsing in a heap atop of the broken ceramic pieces that now lay precariously on the carpet, the exhaustion and devastation numbing her from feeling the shards piercing her skin across her knees and palms.

'Meredith?' Caroline gasped as she came running into the room, the sound of the vase breaking having alerted her to a problem, her own breath catching in the back of her throat as she faced the devastation before her. 'Oh Meredith…' she cried as she moved forwards.

From her resting place on the floor Meredith frantically clawed at her neck, desperate to free herself from the increasing tightness that her shirt had seemed to create.

It took Caroline less than six strides to reach her, fear evident in her face as her gaze fell to the pools of red that had began to gather upon the carpet, seeping through the white of her shirt and the cotton of her pants 'M..Mer…Meredith you need to breathe, can you hear me?' she whispered as she moved behind Meredith and gently lifted her backwards off the vase to a safer spot on the bedroom floor. Her body felt like a dead weight as Caroline struggled to move her further away, but determination winning over practicality as she stumbled back to the bed, the mattress breaking her fall before she moved around in front of Meredith; ignoring the blood for a moment as she battled to get the women her son loved to breathe.

'Meredith look at me, please.' She pleaded she tried to cup her face in the palms of her hands as Meredith wreathed and wriggled from her grasp as she fought for air.

Meredith could hear the familiar, calming voice but no matter how hard she tried to breathe she seemed unable to catch her breath, her lungs seemed to be on fire and no matter how hard she tried to calm down a fresh fear of losing Derek hit her and sent her over the edge once more.

'I…cant…I….'

'Shh Meredith, you need to breathe darling, look at me please.'

'He…He's go…gone…'

'Meredith can you look at me? Up here, raise your head.' Caroline softly spoke as she ignored the blood currently running along Meredith's forearms assuming the wounds were superficial, and believing it was far more important to have the women she knew was perfect for her son breathing again.

Meredith slowly raised her head, relief washing over her as she felt Caroline react to her movement and cradle her head in her hands, taking the pressure off holding her head up herself.

'That's it dear, that's it, slow, deep breaths, that's it, slow.'

'I…sorry…so…'

'Shhhh, there is nothing to be sorry for, what matters is you breathing for when my son gets home you hear me?'

'But he isn't…he won't…go…he…gone…'

'I promise you he won't have gone.' she announced, casting a hopeful glance towards the sky as she prayed to God that she wasn't lying to Meredith. 'He loves you Meredith, I have no idea where he is, but I promise you he won't have gone. He wouldn't leave you.'

'I want…I need…Derek…just Derek…' she sobbed as her breathing began to regulate slightly, Caroline moved to sit alongside of her, rubbing her hand along her back, soothing her tears as she cried.

'Slow deep breaths, we can talk after…for now though just breathe, just breathe.' Caroline whispered as she felt Meredith's head gently fall onto her shoulder, allowing herself to be held, to be comforted.

'I can't lose him, he is everything to me.' She managed to share as her heart began to relax in her chest, and her lungs ached a little bit less, the fire slowly extinguishing beneath the surface.

'You won't Meredith, you won't.' Caroline soothed as she too relaxed as she began to notice a change in Meredith's posture as her apprehensive frame relaxed beneath her grasp.

'Ow…oh…Ow…' Meredith cried as the pain from the ceramic vase began to infiltrate her system, as her lungs returned to somewhere close to normal the pain from the cuts made its way to her brain and suddenly the messages she was portraying was sheer pain, not just fear.

'I'm going to grab something to help clean you up ok. Stay right here. Don't move.'

'Don't leave me…please.' Meredith sobbed as she reached out to grab hold of Caroline's hand 'please don't leave me.'

'Do you think you can stand? We could go into the bathroom to get you cleaned up, I need to take a look at your hands and your legs, and you fell pretty hard on all that pottery over there'

'I'm so sorry.'

'Hey, enough of that, you didn't fall on purpose. You're scared and you're panicky, and as I've said to Derek many times, I get it because I have been there. '

Meredith struggled to stand as the exhaustion of the last few minutes took over her body, and left her shaking heading for the floor once more.]

Caroline quickly reached out and steadied the girl she now thought of even more as a daughter and sat her down onto the bed.

'Reign check on the bathroom. Stay here, I will only be a minute I just need to grab some towels a d water to help clean up these cuts, and perhaps some tweezers depending if there is anything left in there, you might need stitches dear, I hope not, but you fell hard.' She forced a smile as she pressed a kiss to Meredith's head, her own heart rate quickening as she saw the blood seeping from Meredith's palms and forearms, her shirt now soaked with red blood, her pants too failing to stem the flow from the cuts across her knees.

'let me help you out of these first before the material begins to stick.' She whispered as meredith allowed Caroline to gently remove the shirt and jeans and from her bleeding body, a small gasp escaped the older woman's lips as she cast a glance over her cuts…all superficial at first glance, but all clearly showing Meredith had felt nothing as she had fallen into the broken vase, the numbness of the panic attack meaning the shards had more time to pierce and rip her skin. She wrapped her arms around Meredith and held her close, shocked by the fragility and thinness of her body too, before backing out of the room and heading off to collect the things she needed...and allowing herself to breakdown, just a moment, her own insecurities and worries for her family flooding to the surface. 'Come home Derek…come home…'

As she busied herself looking for something to stop Meredith's bleeding she failed to notice the suite door open and the familiar shape of her son walk in. He didn't look up and see his mother either; instead he headed straight to the one room he hoped to find the women he loved, desperate to be close to her again.

His heart was racing in his chest, he had no idea if she would even want to see him after his outburst and marathon sprint away from her earlier in the day, he knew she would have been upset, and his actions would have hurt her, and his mother, but now as he walked slowly through the lounge area of their hotel room all he could think was how much he wanted to hold her in his arms…he could make up for everything If he could just see her and tell her how much he loved her…and how sorry he was, he didn't want her to doubt him, he was in this now…and forever.

As he stepped into the room his eyes were instantly drawn to the smashed vase that lay scattered across the floor, and his heart felt like it was about to leap from his chest when he spotted the pools of blood that had stained the carpet. A slight sobbing drew his attention back to the bed, where he laid his worried blue orbs upon her shaking form. The previously white bed sheets had began to soak up a lot of the blood from her near naked body, and as she rocked forward and backward, oblivious to his presence he felt the bile began to rise in his stomach before he vomited in the doorway of the room as the realisation of what his actions had led to hit home…or so he thought.

'Meredith?' he sobbed as he called the women he loved, desperate to get her attention.

Her head slowly lifted and turned towards him as she grimaced in pain as she moved a little too quick their eyes meeting but neither managing to speak at the sight of the other.

Derek took a few tentative steps forward before gathering her in his arms, carefully watching out for the cuts he could see now adorned her body.

'Oh Mer…what did you do…this is all my fault…what did you do?' he sobbed as he pulled her in close, relief flooding his system as she responded and allowed herself to be held. His hands reached out for her forearms and palms and gently inspected the wounds that lay there. 'It never has to get this bad again Mer, you are it for me, I didn't mean to run. I'm not running, I'm right here, I'm so sorry if I drove you to this.' He sobbed as he traced the field of cuts gently with his fingers.

'Derek?' his mother's voice cut through the air, making both of them jump, Derek looked over to his mother, Meredith's gaze remained fixed on her knees.

'Give the girl some room I need to clean her up.' She stated so matter of fact, clearly annoyed with her son.

'I'm not leaving her Mom…never…I shouldn't have today, I ran and left her alone and now look at what she has done.'

'What do you mean done?'

'She is a mess Ma, her arms, her hands…her legs…she has massacred herself…I should never have ran or left her alone…she can't be alone, she doesn't deserve to be alone. Oh my…oh…she cut herself ma…what next?' he sobbed as he turned and ran his fingers through her beautiful hair, his breath hitching in the back of his throat as he traced the bloody fingerprints she had left on her own cheeks as she had batted the tears away.

'For a brain surgeon you sure are brainless.' His mother half laughed as she sat the bowl of water down on the carpet and motioned for Derek to move out of her way.

'But…'

'No buts move please…some of us have been beside your girlfriends side all day, I need to finish taking care of her after your disappearing act.'

'She cut herself…' he cried as he moved aside and let his mother take his place on the bed, he felt ashamed as his mother threw him a disappointed glance, before returning to sooth Meredith.

'She cut herself Derek, but not on purpose. Look around you…the vase…it was huge, and it smashed as she fell and she landed…;

'She fell?' he interrupted

'A panic attack Derek, she had a panic attack and I can only assume she knocked the vase as she struggled, and landed upon the shards as she landed. She didn't do this on purpose Derek.'

'Oh…oh…she…she's ok?'

'I think that's pushing it, but she didn't try to hurt herself if that is what you were implying. She panicked, dam right scared she had pushed you away, and the thought of losing you got too much.'

'I did this?' he sobbed as his mother's eyes met his.

'I'm not saying this to hurt you Derek, but this time yes…you did this, or added to it at least, we had no idea where you where, if you were coming back…if you were alive.'

'oh…' he whispered as he moved around the bed and crawled in next to his beautiful girlfriend, allowing her to rest against him as his mother got to work on her wounds.

'I get that this is an impossible situation for you, and that you have been trying to be strong for Meredith, but you cant let things get to breaking point, you cant just leave when she needs you most. I've had to pick up the pieces today Derek, but what if this had been in the trailer in Seattle? What if you had just left and she had had no one? I can't promise you in that situation she wouldn't have done something stupid? She doesn't deserve to be alone.'

'I know…believe me I know…and I'm sorry…so so sorry….Is it bad?' he asked as he soothed her hair in his hands, holding her close as she winced as the cuts were cleaned.

'A few are deep, they may need stitches, and she fell pretty hard,

'Oh Mer…I'm sorry.' He sobbed as he moved gently from the bed and grabbed a bag from the cupboard 'I have steri strips in here Ma, it's probably all the hospital would do.'

'I can't…not Mass Gen…I can't go back there.' Meredith whispered, the first words she had managed in a good few minutes as Derek and Caroline both realised the importance of her request,

'you never have to go back there, ever, that's a promise mer.' He whispered into her hair as he pleaded with his mom to make a go of things with what they had.

Caroline spent the next twenty minutes cleaning up Meredith's cuts, relieved slightly that the ones on her legs weren't quite as bad as her arms, they had just bled a little too much but once that was stemmed the cuts left behind were smaller, and none of which had needed strips. Her hands and arms had taken the impact by the looks of it, and a half dozen or so cuts had been held together with the strips before Caroline had gently bandaged each arm and hand in order to keep the area clean, and allow time to heal.

The pair had been moved to the lounge area of the room in order for Caroline to change the covers on the bed and make a start on making the room a little less chain saw massacre, and more the 5 star rating they had booked it for.

'You're here?' Meredith whispered as she leant back into Derek's grasp, leaning against him on the oversized couch.

'I am…and I promise you I am never going away again, today I…snapped…and all I can say is I'm sorry…I'm so so sorry.'

'I deserved it, I wasn't easy to be around, I tried to let you in, but then id build a new wall and you would have to work doubly hard all over again…I'm frustrating, and you needed space, I see that now.'

'I did need space, but that was no way to go and get it. I don't deserve your forgiveness or your love, I left you when you needed me, and after everything I said…I left you. I'm not good enough for you, I fail you…I fail you over and over…'

'Derek…no...Please…don't think like that. You don't fail me, you have never failed me. You are the one reason I am still breathing today, you make anything seem possible when you are by my side... without you id be lost…id disappear…I wouldn't even want to be here anymore…but with you…as much as the past hurts, and the memories break my heart…you Derek…you are my reason to get up in the morning, to walk one foot in front of the other, to look to the future…you gave me back my future…I love you.'

'I love you too, so so much, I know I didn't really show you that today, but I do Meredith, I love you. And I know the future is a scary thing for you but I don't plan on going anywhere, ever… you…you are it for me, I want forever…I promise you forever.'

'I promise you forever too.'


	71. Chapter 67 the world

Derek had woke early after a night of unrest, he wasn't exactly sure if he had even slept, maybe an hour, two tops off and on and as the digital clock flicked over to 5am he made the decision to get up and have a few moments on the balcony by himself. His mother had gone back to her hotel room late the night before with the promise of giving the pair space for the day, so plans had been made to meet for breakfast the day after, before moving on to the airport to head back to New York; Meredith had cried herself to sleep in his arms as she had clung to him, desperate to keep him close and he had held her just as tightly back, tracing her beautiful features with his finger tips as guilt had engulfed his body, and regret had ripped through his veins for the way he had treated her the past few hours. She hadn't deserved any of it, and he hated himself for adding to her heartache in such a way. When he had first met Meredith he had promised himself to never hurt her, and he too was now hurting as he was facing up to the fact that he had broken such an important promise.

He hadn't meant to walk out on her or to leave her, and if he could turn back the hands of time he would have dealt with the last 24 hours very differently! But he couldn't, and all he could think of to do last night was to hold her and never let her go. He needed her to trust him all over again, for her to believe that he was able to cope with the grief and the pain she was going through, and somewhere between 3am and 4am he had decided that it was best to be honest with her and for him to explain to her where he had gone. He had no idea if she would understand, or if she would be concerned that he had visited William, but deep down he knew, that by being as honest with her as she was trying to be with him then he would be doing the right thing.

He had felt an alarming amount of comfort after visiting William yesterday, he knew the circumstances were all wrong, and his actions had devastated Meredith, but even despite all that, the fact that he visited with his emotions heightened had made it so much easier for the truth to come out. He had managed to pour out his concerns and trepidations to the man he felt like he had to measure up to. He felt like a hypocrite saying that, he had promised Meredith time and time again that he understood her grief, and that he would be there for her however she was feeling yet he had finally admitted to himself that he was jealous of what she once had, and what he feared he would never completely have, he was scared that no matter how hard she tried to move on, that there would forever be a piece of her that failed to let go…and it broke his heart to make him feel that he wasn't quite enough.

He knew that sounded selfish, and he hated himself for having the feelings, but whilst they were there he had to be honest to himself and to Meredith or this would forever be an under lying concern. He couldn't bear to think of a future without Meredith in it, so it was important that any worries/apprehensions or concerns were ironed out now, whilst they had chance! They had time left in Boston, not to mention the escapism that he knew his family home would offer them both…and no matter what he had to believe they would be ok…they had promised forever… he had to hold onto that, it was what they both wanted.

He was a million miles away as he looked out across the harbour, his gaze fixed on a small tug boat that was making its way out across the calm, glistening expanse of water that he failed to hear the door behind him open a jar and Meredith's tiny frame creep out towards him.

He jumped a little as he felt her hand gently graze the small of his back, her touch sending electric tingles across his body, his skin covering in thousands of tiny goose bumps as she moved alongside of him and rested her head upon his outside shoulder.

'Hey come here, you will freeze.' He whispered as he lifted his arm and wrapped it around her carefully, eager to avoid where she had hurt herself yesterday. His eyes scanned down across her tiny form, and he smiled a little as he realised she had pulled on one of his sweaters over her nightwear, the long sleeves covering up the bandages that his mother had had to apply last night.

'You ok?' She asked quietly as she nuzzled in closer to his side, before moving in front of him, and pulling his strong forearms around her shoulders, and laying her back gently against his chest. She smiled to herself as she felt him lean forwards and breathe her in before she felt his overly tense arms begin to relax and hold her like she was used too.

'I'm so sorry Meredith, I know I said it last night over and over, but what I did yesterday was unacceptable and why you even want to be in my arms is beyond comprehension!'

'Hey…Stop that now, please stop that.' She begged as she turned to face him, her eyes glistening with love for the man before her. 'You can't keep doing this to yourself, please, we will be ok, I promise you. Things are what they are…but we can be ok after this. I want you here with me; there is no one else in the world that I want to move forward with. You are it for me Derek; I need you to believe me. I forgive you, and I understand why it all got too much, and if you want to talk about it all some more then we can, or if for a little while you need to leave it then we can too. I'm not pushing, not once in this whole relationship have you pushed me, so I am not about to start pushing you now.'

'I love you so much Meredith.' He whispered as he bent down and pressed his lips to her forehead 'and I do think I need to talk to you more, and if I wait, or we wait then this will only blow back up in our faces in a few days, weeks even years. I don't want to sit here and debate what I did yesterday, not in the hotel, but I don't want to head anywhere public either as I have a feeling there may be tears from us both…I don't know what the answer is, I really don't think we should drag it out longer till New York, I know it's only another day but I want to fix this now, forever…we deserve a future of happiness…and we will get it.'

'I know just the place.' She whispered as she turned again and looked back out across the harbour as he encircled her again, her arms hurting from the vase yesterday, but eager to stay out with Derek a little longer before bringing that to his attention. 'there's this place, over there, do you see it, through the harbour…Deer Island…William and I we had a spot…a place we went to before he got too sick, we would just escape for a few hours and be us…not many people visit it nowadays, a large treatment plant fills half of the land, but to the south, beyond our eye line there is a cove that is just so peaceful.'

'Oh Mer it sounds so…'

'If you hate the idea it's ok.' She cut in 'it was a place I went with William, he never really got it but I think he went to amuse me and keep me happy…I know this is about making new memories and moving forward but I believe this could help, it's so quiet and idyllic, we can be honest there, and we can come back here tonight with our heads held high…I promise you.'

'meredith is sounds perfect, I would never have known such a place existed in this city, I want to go, I want to see some of the places you escaped to before you came to Seattle, it's like deer island is your pre trailer…trailer!'

'it is I guess, even when Will was sick I would head out there for a little while, to read, to think…to write sometimes…sometimes it was easier to get rid of my doubts, my anger…My heartache in words, it made things easier, sometimes. Maybe when we are back I could show you. As you know I didn't keep much when I moved to Seattle, but the words…the words I kept.'

'Are you sure you want to share it with me?'

'There is no one else I would want to share it with Derek, no one.'

'Deer Island…it almost sounds like the title of a book or a movie!'

'I never thought of it like that before…I guess you are right…Deer Island…' she smiled as she shivered slightly.

'Are you cold?' he asked as he ran his hands along her arms as if to warm her

'A little yeah.' She winced as he smoothed his hands over her bandages.

'Oh shit, sorry, for a split second I forgot about the cuts…I'm so sorry.'

'Its ok Derek, they were sore before you touched them. I think the bandage may be a little tight or something.'

'Want me to check them out?'

'I think so yeah.'

'Come on' he smiled as he bent down and scoped her carefully up into his arms and moved inside with her. 'Let's see if I can out nurse my mother.'

'You have many things to your advantage Derek…naked…you could be naked, that would get you all kinds of bonus points.' She grinned, and for the first time that trip as he cast a glance down at her he felt that she was finally being the person she wanted to be.

'So porny…I hope you wouldn't say that to all your doctors.' He laughed as he pulled his t shirt off and over his head.

'You…you're getting naked?' she gasped and giggled as she threw her head back onto the pillow, her ribs hurting as she failed to control her laughter.

'I like to keep my patients happy, and as you are a VIP then I have to give the lady what she wishes.' He joked as he wriggled down into only his shorts before sitting beside her in the bed and helping her out of the sweater she was wearing, and her pyjama pants.

'You're getting me naked? This wasn't the deal!' she smiled as she watched him work.

'As an amazing doctor as I am, I am in fact unable to re-bandage through clothes, so these…need to come off.' He smiled as he carefully released the last of the clothes he needed removing, leaving her sat in her shorts and cami vest.

'You still have your shorts on?' she grinned as she tried to encourage a little more nakedness from her doctor!

'The shorts remain…for now, I need to check that you are ok, and I can't be having you distracting me…or distracting my…'

'I'll be good, I promise.'

Derek got to work, he collected his supplies from his case, and a bowl of warm salt water to clean and cleanse her wounds, his heart aching a little as he saw that the blood had pooled through the left bandage over night, a clear sign that the cuts where perhaps deeper there than anywhere else. As he undid the bandage slowly, he tried desperately not to hurt her where the bandage had stuck to the skin. He gently dampened her skin with the warm water as he tended to her wounds, before re-adding steri strips and dressings to the deepest of the cuts.

'Do they need stitches?' as he covered them over again with a clean bandage before starting on the next.

'honestly, last night they probably could have done with one or two, but the steri strips are holding them together relatively well, and it would be too late to stitch now as the skin is starting to knit together, you will be ok, but one or two on your left arm are going to scar I think, it's inevitable…but if it's any consolation they would have scared even with stitches!'

'I can't go...there…'

'I know, there is no need for you to even step foot in the place, I promise you. Besides I'd have drove you to the other side of the city to a different hospital if it had been necessary. You're safe here with me. I'm a good doctor!'

'Big headed…you missed that out!'

'Maybe…but more importantly…I'm naked…' he smiled as he shimmied out of his shorts and lay beside her on the bed, pulling her in close to his chest, eager to avoid hurting her wounds.

'Derek…I want to…but right now I don't think I can.' She whispered as she slowly ran her finger tips across his chest hair, entwining the dark curls between her fingers.

'I wasn't expecting anything, I promise…but naked…we could do naked and just curl up together, and sleep? It's still early; we could try and grab a couple more hours sleep before heading off to Deer Island?'

'Can you help me out of these?' she whispered as she sat up gently and allowed Derek to remove the rest of her clothes.

'Clothes are over rated.' He whispered as he carefully wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in tight as if to spoon her petite frame.

'Mmmmm definitely' she murmured as the final words before sleep escaped her.

'I love you.'

'I love you too.'

'I can't believe you ever found this place.' Derek panted as the pair continued their journey towards the cove on the island.

They had woken again around 10 after falling asleep naked in one another's arms, Meredith had surprised Derek by suggesting breakfast, and he had ordered her pancakes to come to the room, eager to see her eat and enjoy for the first time in a long time.

He had carefully taped plastic bags to her bandages in an attempt to keep her wounds dry as she had washed her hair, and it had been relatively successfully, with only one small bandage needing replacing before they had set off together.

'I thought you liked hiking? Getting old?' she joked as she walked beside Derek, a large branch in one hand that she was using to aid her walking, and her other hand looped loosely through Derek's arm on the other.

'Old? Me? Never. No instead I am preoccupied on making sure you don't fall and hurt yourself some more, and juggling the picnic basket that the hotel made up for us, plus the blanket and the paper that you insisted on me bringing…that somehow I have lost the ability to place one foot in front of the other!' he laughed as he placed the basket on the floor for a moment to catch his breath 'can we just…wait…for a minute… the cove isn't going anywhere!'

'I can manage you know. It's only another hundred yards or so down there, I can lead the way, I won't fall, I promise you.' She smiled as she reached up on her tip toes and pressed a delicate and warm kiss to his lips.

'Ok.'

The pair moved on in relative silence, Derek sensing that nearing the cove was beginning to cause more of an impact on Meredith's emotions than she had anticipated, and he made the conscious decision to allow herself to be alone with her thoughts for a few more moments before he pushed her to open up…besides it gave him too a little longer to straighten his own thoughts.

'There.' He heard her whisper as the pair looked down a sandy path that led the way to the idyllic cove before them.

'Wow!' he gasped at the sight before him. Even from the top of the path he could see that the cove was beautiful, the water seemed so still in comparison to the rest of the harbour they had passed along the way, and the sun and stretched its rays across the surface making it appear to be covered in thousands of tiny specks of glitter. It really was something else. A real hidden gem.

'Come on.' She smiled as she seemed to speed up now in her pursuit of reaching the beach below. Derek waited back a minute, allowing her to have the moment herself first before their thoughts turned to other things. He watched her limp closer to the sand, at a greater speed than before, and as he started his own steady walk down he couldn't help but feel proud of how well she was dealing with her return…this place was somewhere she felt so at ease…she looked so peaceful…so …Meredith… it really was her pre trailer…trailer.

'Derek come on' she called as she sat herself down on a large rock alongside the shoreline as she waited for Derek to join her.

As he got closer he lay out the blanket onto the soft sand and held it in place with the basket as he moved to stand beside her, his hands instantly moving to her shoulders and rubbing delicately as she melted back into his grip, enjoying the sensation of his grip on her, the tiny hairs that covered her body all stood on end in response to his touch, he made her feel so good.

'You good here? Or you want to walk?' she asked as she looked up at Derek from her resting place.

'A walk would be good, are your legs ok?'

'Yeah, promise, my arms and my palms sting a little, but my legs are fine.'

'Ok which way?'

'Up here, it's only a little way, can you grab the basket, we can sit up on the jetty, and it's got the best view.'

'After you,'

The pair walked silently this time to their destination; the whole way Derek ran over his words in his head, not sure where to start, or how to explain what he did yesterday. He had apologised over and over again, and opened up a little on his return, and he knew that meredith forgave him for his actions, he could tell in her eyes that she wasn't just saying it, forgive you wasn't just words to her, the way her eyes had pleaded with him to open up…he knew she had meant it when she had promised forever.

'You could just rip the band aid off you know? Isn't that what people say? That's its meant to be less painful to do something quick, then to dwell and dawdle taking your time?' she spoke softly as they approached the jetty, she gently lowered herself to the wooden planks with Derek's help, before patting the space belong side her, encouraging him to sit.

'It still hurts whether its fast or slow…it still hurts.' He whispered as he took his spot and leant back on his hands, taking in the view before him.

'You ran yesterday.' She whispered as she placed her head onto his lap and looked up at him from her resting place, lacing the fingers of one hand gently through his as he sat up a little. His spare hand finding her hair, twisting and curling the strands between his slightly shaking finger tips.

'I did…and I'm not proud of myself for doing it.' He explained, his gaze fixated on a gull of some description flying over head.

'you asked me not to run, and I've worked so hard to stay by your side, and yesterday it felt like you gave up on me, just a little bit. Which I now know wasn't the case, but yesterday, just for a little while I thought that was your way of saying you couldn't deal with me…With William…I thought we were done.'

'It was selfish what I did, I see that now, and I know no words can make up for it now, but I do feel that I owe you some kind of explanation, all I have done is encouraged you to open up, and instead of discussing things with you I bottled them up and ran when the going got tough, I was a hypocrite, like I said yesterday I felt like I failed you over and over… I had convinced myself I wasn't good enough for you, and that you deserved more.' He sobbed now, his eyes burning with tears as the waterfalls began to cascade down his cheeks, the odd tear escaping and landing on Meredith's soft pink cheeks, or onto her overcoat.

She tightened her grip as much as her sore palms would allow and encouraged him to continue.

'when I left the restaurant I didn't have a plan, or a place to go…but somehow I found myself in the one place I felt closest to you in this city, without actually being beside you…It was as if I needed permission to fix this…to make sure it was ok to love you the way I do.'

'I don't understand.' She whispered, sitting up and turning to face Derek, a confused expression sitting solemnly across her face.

'William…I went to William.' He gasped, the sobs taking over his body, his shoulders shaking as he lost the grasp of her hand, and his head falling to his chest in agony.

Meredith didn't pause to think of the pain it would cause her to move and to kneel, but in an instant she was up from her seated position, up on her knees and wrapping his shaking form in her arms. She moaned in pain a little as she made contact with him, but knew that any damage could be dealt with later by the man she loved… but the damage he had done to himself, the way he had bottled up all of his worries/fears/concerns for so long…this damage needed fixing now, he had to know it was ok.

'But how? How did you find him?' she whispered into his ear as she ran her fingers across his back, desperate to sooth his heartache.

'I knew the church, it was obvious from where I dropped you off, so I headed that way. I knew roughly where you had said, so I walked around a lot until something pulled me towards the right place I guess.'

'Did you talk to him?'

'I did…I spoke to him as you and Mom tried to call…I ignored you both for him…it felt like the right place to go.'

'I was going to take you there, to see him before we left, I was going to ask you if you felt comfortable going.'

'I don't know if comfortable is the right word…explaining your actions to the love of your life's' dead husband wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I thought of asking permission to be with you forever…it doesn't exactly make for a romantic movie does it.'

'You asked his permission? What did you ask him? '

[I] _is it ok to love her? Because I love her so much, she completes me, she makes me feel alive, and I like to think somehow through all of the pain and heartache that I have helped her to keep breathing…you didn't want her to be alone, when I met her and fell in love with her I had no idea I would end up feeling this way, it's bigger than anything I ever imagined. I don't want to replace you, and I would never ever want her to forget about you, but the legend that you portray is a hard one to live in the shadows of, and I'm scared she is never going to fully emerge from the trees and let go. This is strange; I need a sign or something…_ [/I]

'It was like I needed him to speak back to me…I know that sounds silly but the fact that lightening didn't flash, or the world didn't shake felt almost as if he understood and accepted us…me…he didn't send a bigger force to prove otherwise! It was as if he knew what I was thinking'

[I] _I thought I knew what love was once, I was married, evidently not happily, and I thought I had screwed my chance of happiness, I was a dreamer, one of those men who believed in happily ever after and invested too much belief in the Disney ideology…so after my divorce I had accepted my chance at happiness…of love…of my own family had gone, and out with it went all my child hood dreams…until Meredith. I know you will understand because you probably felt it too. You knew she was special, and deserved to be loved…I believe that's why you wrote her that letter, you wanted some other lucky man to share the magic that you had with Meredith, she deserves to be loved…you wanted that for her…you wanted her to have her happy ever after…you gave me the opportunity to fall in love and experience the true meaning of the word…thank you… _[/I]

'He was a remarkable man Derek, even in his last few days he put me first…he wanted me to be happy…to be loved…' she smiled, tears streaming down her face now, a mirror image of the man she loved before her.

[I]_ever since I heard about your struggle, the pain you went through…leaving Meredith…my heart has broken, not only for Mer, but for you too. you didn't want to leave her, you didn't want to say goodbye…she was your reason for fighting on and living as long as you did, she gave you reason to keep breathing…but when you made peace with your own outcome, you moved onto ensuring hers. I'm a doctor, so I understand you must have been in an incredible amount of pain when you wrote that letter to Meredith…physically and emotionally…but you still did it. You needed Meredith to move on, to be loved, to love again. You knew how much love she had to give, and how she had only just scratched the surface with sharing her life with another person…he was so…_ [/I]

'selfless…he was the world's most selfless man, I see that now, at first when I got his letter It felt like he had never loved me, that he had wanted rid of me, but slowly I understood his desire for me to be happy…everyday when I look at you Derek I thank William for writing to me…because without that letter I have no idea where I would be today…if I would even be living today…When you walked into my life you saved it…somehow you and William tag teamed me…his letter your showing up…it was…

[I] _Fate…it has to be fate. Her walking into my life at a time when my marriage had crumbled and I had begun to accept id be a lonely workaholic forever…the more I learnt about her the more I fell in love. When it was simply friendship and nothing more I still loved her, I convinced myself it would never happen because I had my shot, but something kept her tied to me…there was a connection…someone was looking over her, encouraging her to give love a go, to give it a chance…to believe in it again…and I believe that was you._ [/I]

'He was a remarkable man Derek, even in death he remained strong, and got what he wanted. He wanted me happy…he wanted me with you.'

[I] _its crazy to think that you chose me, but at times it feels that way, like you had a giant arcade grabbing machine that you cast over the earth and picked the one person you knew could love meredith in the same way you did. You didn't want her to be alone…so you picked me…_ [/I]

'if anyone else had come into my life Derek I would have ran, faster than my legs could carry me, and I'd never have come back…but with you, even before when I did run…it was always to you…it will forever be to you. No matter what the situation, or how upset I am…it's with you I want to be. Please never doubt that…ever…believe in me, like I believe in you. You complete me Derek Shepherd.

[I] _I hate myself right now for sitting here talking to you, instead of talking to her, she's worried sick, yet her I am rooted to the spot more interested in clearing my own mind then going back to her…which sounds selfish and wrong on so many levels that I understand if you want to kick my ass right now. But at the same time what good am I to her when I feel like this…not good enough…I'm not you…I never will be…and it's this tiny seed of doubt that keeps niggling in my brain, that as much as she tries to be happy with me, as much as she tells me she loves me…she just can't help but wish…that…I…am…you_. [/I]

'Oh Derek…never…please don't think that…shhhh, don't cry please don't cry. You are it for me; I will keep saying it forever if that's what it takes. William isn't here anymore. You are. And as hard as this weekend has been on me returning for the first time I would never ever wish that you were him. growing up I never believed in the Disney ideal like you, happy endings were for the kids who played make believe not the kids who sat for hours in OR galleries whilst her parents ignored her…until William I never knew what it meant to be loved…but at the same time I also know I had nothing to compare it too. William was my first love…the person I believed would be my only love…but in his own way, like you said, he paved the way for me to love again…he made what me and you have entirely possible…it sounds silly to say he granted his permission, but in his own kind of way he did…he opened the door for me…he helped me find you…he brought me to you. The way I love you Derek is like nothing I have ever experienced before, its different to William…in a good way…its bigger…the way you have dealt with my problems and insecurities, the way you have soothed my nightmares and held me close as I screamed, the way you have said nothing at all…but been there all the same…I love you Derek in a way I never even believe existed…you are the love of my life AND my soul mate…and I can't guarantee you there won't be days when I fall to pieces at the smallest of things…but the thought that you are there to support me will always bring me back…you don't fail me…you are more than good enough for me…you are my everything and I am going to fight like hell to prove that to you.'

'Even after everything I did yesterday? You still want to be with me?' he sobbed in owe of just how strong the women before him was.

'Yes Derek…you haven't turned your back on me after all I have done…it would be I who would be the hypocrite if I did that to you now…I get that you are scared and you feel like you have so much to live up to…but I promise you this…' she smiled as she placed her fingers under his chin, ensuring he was looking directly into her dazzling blue eyes.

'To the world you are one person, but to one person you are the world.'


	72. Chapter 68 trying too

**Thank you for all of the comments on the last chapter. Your support means so so much to me. This fic is my baby, my first shot at the world of fan fic, and as you all know carries a lot of personal and emotional attachment for me. so every time you read and comment it really helps to keep motivated.**

**thank you all.**

**had a pretty hard and crappy day today, as i said with fireman derek (if tonight is my last) i have had to battle to get an update done as i didnt think my head was in it...however merder went and got all porny on me...so i thought it was best to give them what they both needed.**

**therefore please take this as a warnin that this chapter gets porny...some would say incredibly porny so those offended by porny should maybe only read half way and then wait for the next update...hope thats warnin enough.**

**but what merder want then merder get...**

**here you go :)**

Chapter 68 – trying too

The plane ride from Boston to New York had passed relatively quickly. Meredith and his mother had slept intermittently throughout the journey but Derek had been unable to let his eyes close. Instead he had simply watched her, her strength and courage mesmerising him as he thanked his lucky stars after all of the heart ache and pain the last week…months…year…had caused her that somehow she was still here, perhaps finally believing she was in fact stronger than ever and had a future to look forwards to. Since the moment he had met her he had wanted everything with her, a family, a home…the works, but he had always tried to push the thoughts of what their life could be like to the back of his mind as he had no idea if she would be able to commit to forever.

But for the first time really he was beginning to believe this really was forever, and that she was as committed to their relationship as he was. He wasn't second best…he was it for her, and there was no doubt about her being it for him.

Their visit to Deer Island had really helped to clear the air. Meredith hadn't been mad or angry about the fact he had visited William, she had understood and whispered words to him that had melted his heart. It was as they had sat cuddled up together on the picnic blanket that he knew once and for all that they would make it. They had survived the hardest of times and now they would enjoy the best of times together.

Forever.

He knew Meredith was nervous about meeting all of his family, but he didn't share her nerves. He knew his sisters would love her, even Nancy. They obviously knew some of her story, he had spoke to them on occasions about what they were dealing with – together, and not one of them had ever judged him or his decisions to stick with her through her pain. If anything they applauded him and respected him for helping to guide Meredith back from the brink of…disappearing and they couldn't wait to be part of his life once again.

Nancy had found it hard to believe Addison was capable of cheating on him when the affair had been rumbled, and she had made Derek's life hell for a while for walking away from his marriage, but after he crumbled and allowed her back, and it happened again his sisters had quickly, and rightly so supported him in his decision to push for a divorce. Shepherds, as a rule didn't divorce, in most situations it would be frowned upon immensely, but when the other party was a cheating liar it had seemed to being forgotten and had indeed been encouraged! Nancy had not only lost a sister in law, but a best friend too and Derek had worried at times how she would function without her best friend, but in typical shepherd sister style his other sisters had stepped up and included Nancy in their outings or events, and to Nancy and the rest of the Shepherds Addison was but a distant memory!

He used to think he wished he had never been married to her, that she wasn't a part in the jigsaw of his life. But looking back he had to believe that she was for a reason. If she hadn't had cheated on him then he wouldn't have moved out to Seattle and he wouldn't have met Meredith…so as crazy as it seemed he did in fact have a lot to thank Addison for…her wandering eye led him to the one person he felt entirely comfortable with.

Meredith was his soul mate, and he was so thankful he had found her.

'Does she always snore like that?' Caroline laughed as she leant back in the front passenger seat of the car.

Derek looked back through the interior mirror of the hire car he had loaned at the sleeping form of his girlfriend on the back seat, he was thankful she was able to get the much needed rest her body cried out for. 'Usually.' He smiled as the pair both laughed as another loud snort escaped the back seat and rattled around the car. 'You know you can sleep too mom if you like? There is still a good hour to go before we are home, and I'm sure you will have a welcoming committee so you might as well rest now.'

'Sleep would be good but you know me I function better without it, I will sleep tonight and as for the welcoming committee your sisters and their tribes are on red alert to wait until tomorrow to bombard us with their presence!'

'How did you manage that?'

'I told them I would move to Seattle if they so much as thought about visiting today!

'And that worked?'

'Kathleen offered to pack my bags and said she would see us for supper, but I pointed out a few things to her and she realised I wouldn't ask unless we needed some time. So it might be best to prepare Meredith for the craziness, give her time to get ready for so many people!'

'It's going to be a lot for her.'

'I know Derek, but I also think it is exactly what Meredith needs. She deserves a family and to be loved…she thought she had lost her chance when she lost William and we need to constantly remind her that she never has to be alone again. You love her, I love her…everyone will love her.'

'You sound so confident. Nancy can be so…and Kathleen will be….'

'Stop right there Derek. They are your sisters; they want you to be happy and to have the future you deserve. All they will see when they meet Meredith and see you both together is simply how perfect you are for each other. There will be no judging.'

'I hope you are right.'

'Of course I will be, mothers are always right.'

Derek smiled as he continued the journey, driving the car along the now increasingly familiar roads of his neighbourhood. His mother had given in to her heavy eye lids and fallen asleep a good twenty minutes ago, and Meredith's snores still vibrated off every wall inside the car, the occasional snort making Derek giggle as he promised himself that he would record her one day so she could share in the reality of the earth shattering din!

As he crossed the freeway and took a left onto the high street he smiled to himself as he scanned the shops and cafes that lined the main road.

Hester's Diner stood to the left, the best milkshakes outside of the city he was sure, and he made a mental note to take Meredith there before they flew back. Some shops had changed names and changed hands but the majority of the town still looked the same. Old Jim Bell sat outside the Irish bar 'Kilkenny's' resting a Guinness on the table, and as Derek made a right he was pretty sure Jim was sitting in the same place the day he had decided to leave!

He was close now; as houses grew larger and further apart, and gardens became greener and flower filled he knew he was approaching his family home. The house stood at the far end of this road, in a cul-de-sac of 5 or 6 detached houses and as he turned into the street he felt goose bumps spread over his body in excitement of sharing his past life with Meredith. It was only as he pulled up onto the drive and looked up at the house did it dawn on him that he hadn't been home since Addison…when he had left he had been a married man…and now….he was returning with the love of his life.

Funny how things turn out.

'Shepherd residence! That will be forty four dollars and sixty six cents' Derek called, putting on his best new York accent as he spoke, his mother sitting up in the seat next to him and hitting him on the arm at his sudden wake up call. 'Hey ma that's abuse!'

'And so is deafening your mother! You could wake the dead with that call!'

'Ma!'

'What? Oh Meredith dear I'm so sorry I didn't thi…'

'Relax Ma, look at her, she is fast asleep, when Meredith is asleep there is nothing that can wake her up…'

'Well she certainly needs her rest. Perhaps you could show her your old room whilst I have a look around the kitchen and see what delights Kathleen has filled the fridge up with for our return? I will cook us something for dinner and you two can…just be you?'

'Sounds perfect ma. Mer…Meredith we are here you're going to have to wake up.' He whispered as he moved out of the driver's seat and opened up the rear passenger door. 'Mer.'

'Hmmm.' She whispered as she began to rouse from her slumber, her hand instantly moving to her neck to ease the pain from sleeping in a strange angle for the past hour…not to mention the plane journey prior to that too. 'Owww' she moaned as she opened her eyes and met his staring back in to her.

'Hey.'

'Hey.'

'We are here. My family home…we are here.' he beamed as he reached over and unfastened her seat belt before offering her his hand to get out.

'Wow, I didn't realise I had been asleep so long.' She whispered softly as she stood out of the car and laced her fingers through his, her other hand remaining on her neck kneading at the muscles to help release them.

'We all realised you were asleep dear.' Caroline smiled as she moved up the drive way and went to unlock the door.

'What? I don't understand?' Meredith asked quizzically as Derek failed to keep the grin from his face.

'Ma had heard the horror stories of your snoring and just experienced them first hand!' he laughed!

'What? Oh my…you should have woke me, I can't believe you didn't wake me.' she gasped as she felt the pink flush spread across her cheeks in embarrassment!

'Relax Mer, I love the snoring, it's cute.' He smiled as he bent down and pressed a quick, delicate kiss to her cheeks. 'I can make it up to you by ridding you of the pain in your neck?' he whispered as he felt her relax her grip on his hand.

'Did I mention I have a pain in my back and my legs too?' she smirked as she followed him up the path 'you're going to have to make t up to me with a lot of massages.'

'Yes dear!'

'Derek why don't you show Meredith around? Then just go and relax together, the pair of you are exhausted and dinner won't be ready for a good few hours yet. Give her a quick tour so she doesn't end up in the pantry when she is looking for the bathroom or the basement when she is looking for the kitchen?' Caroline suggested as she joined her son in the hall way.

'I don't think there is any chance of Meredith ever looking for the kitchen.' He laughed as Meredith pulled on his arm in jest 'not unless the food is already cooked, the kitchen is a no go area right Mer? I'm sure she would climb out the sky light at the trailer and walk back in the door if she could if it meant avoiding the kitchen!'

'I don't cook.' Meredith pointed out 'which I know is unlady like, and ungirlfriend like…and probably frowned upon in the family…but I don't and I can't…'

'Did anyone ever teach you?' Caroline asked.

'Will tried once, but gave up, said I was a lost cause in the kitchen because I couldn't even tell which the hot and cold tap was! It wasn't my fault the coloured things had fallen off.'

'And you didn't think to put your hand under the stream of water? Or look for steam rising from the bowl?' Derek laughed.

'Enough of that Derek…before William, your mother? No one ever cooked with you?'

'No…my mother was…distant to say the least. So no…I didn't learn or practice or whatever!'

'We will have to see about that.'

'We will?'

'Shepherds can cook, all of them! I'm assuming Derek feeds you? They couldn't always cook, Nancy had some near misses…and some not so near misses when I was teaching her, but now she is confident in the kitchen just like her sisters…I will have you cooking in no time.'

'Oh…I mean you are probably busy and have no time…'

'I will always have time for you meredith. Besides we will start easy with cookies or something.'

'I like cookies!'

'Then that's a good place to start!'

'And Derek hardly ever eats them so I could eat them all to myself!' she giggled as she felt Derek's hand leave hers for a moment.

'Relax Mer, just going to get the things in from the car.'

'Oh...ok...do you think I could use the bathroom?'

'Of course, Ma can you direct Mer so I can get these things in?'

'Of course dear, there are four so take your pick. There is a small rest room to the left of you there beside the front entrance of the house, or if you'd rather use the family bathroom it's to the top of the stairs, third right.'

'Four?'

'Oh yes my room, and Derek's have adjoining bathrooms too. there used to be a lot of us in this house that one would never have been enough, and as the only boy Derek had demanded the room with the ensuite bathroom…had to make way for all those hair products he came back from collage with one day!'

Meredith chose the family bathroom and as she exited the room when she was finished she smiled at Derek as she made her way back to the hallway and found him leaning on the door frame of a door at the bottom of the corridor.

'So…Is this a good place to hang out?' he smirked as she closed the gap between them.

'I wouldn't know, never been here before.' She whispered with a sneaky grin on her face as she moved closer once again and ran her fingers along the buttons of his shirt, carefully unbuttoning the top three and moving her hands inside and along his bare chest.

"You know what? I haven't been here for ages either. It almost feels like I'm new in town. Moved to Seattle you see. New job. Ah, you're ignoring me." He laughed as Meredith continued to unbutton the rest of his shirt.

'Trying too' she murmured as she replaced her finger tips with her lips and pressed small, delicate kisses to his now naked chest.

'I'm, supposed to be giving you a tour of the house and letting you sleep?' he pointed out as he took her hand in his and led her back into his room.

'Well I know where the bathroom is…and your room…this is your room.' she smiled as she let go of his hand a moment and peered around the larger than expected room. 'It's very Dereky…even though you haven't lived here for years it's just so…you' she smiled as she cast her eyes at the photographs on the wall, her eyes settling on a young Derek sitting on an older man's knee, a man who Derek resembled so much…his dad.

'Mom's decorated since I was last here, she asked permission, but kept all the thngs that meant something to me, and shaped my past. Dad…is everywhere really not just the photographs…the trophies, the certificates…all hold memories of my time with him, mom knew never to put them anywhere but here.''

'It's a lovely room, bet these walls have been privy to some action.' She giggled as she sat down on the edge of his bed, the mattress supporting her well, not sinking as she had accepted.

'Not like you would think.' He pointed out as he stood between Meredith's legs and leant down to press a kiss to her lips, her legs wrapping around his knees, trapping him in place. 'Besides I heard this is a new bed too…'

'so it hasn't been tested for comfort' she smirked as she lay herself backwards onto her forearms, propping herself up a little as she released her legs and allowed Derek to lie down next to her. 'We could test drive it? Just to make sure it's comfortable.' She whispered as she captured her lips with his again for a fleeting moment before resting back onto the pillows.

'We could.' He whispered, leaning up onto his side and caressing her cheeks with his free hand.

'I'm sorry we haven't…you no… for a little while. I have been distant and selfish and…'

'Hey enough of that, you have not been selfish. Every night you have fallen asleep in my arms Meredith, as hard as things may have been, as high as the mountains may have been we are still here together. Relationships don't have to be solely based on sex Meredith…it's never just been sex with you…it's deeper than that.'

'I know…it's the same for me, I know I haven't been myself lately, but I'm me again, or I'm trying to be, and I want to be us…completely us, not just the cuddles and the comfort, as amazing as they are…I think we have both missed…this… so I was thinking maybe you should get naked, because the me that I am is horny for the you that you are.' She laughed as his fingers darted over her shirt and quickly unbuttoned them, revealing her black laced bra; her nipples already firm at the slightest touch of him.

He quickly discarded his own shirt, before the breath caught in the back of his throat as her nimble fingers moved down to his belt and quickly freed his legs from their restrictions as his jeans were kicked to the floor. He mirrored her actions and freed her from her jeans, ensuring her panties followed at the same time, before laying his own body over his, his hardness still encased within his boxers, the straining almost hurting him, but ignoring his desire to be inside her and covering her body in attention instead.

'De…Derek.' She murmured as his stubble on his face tickled against her chest as he pressed his lips to her soft pink skin of her collar bone, her fingers instinctively weaving through his dark locks encouraging him to continue his exploration of her body.

He moved his kisses down gently before turning his attention to her left nipple…and then her right. Gently biting and teasing the pink nub before increasing the intensity as her moans filled the room.

'Shhhh Mer.' He whispered against her skin, the coolness of his breath tickling her nipple as he spoke.

'So..sorry.' she giggled as she twisted his hair in her fingers and guided him back to her breasts. 'I'll be quiet, I swear.'

'you don't have to be quiet, just quieter…' he smiled, looking up at her, his heart melting as he watched her eyes following his every move.

'please.' She begged at the sudden lack of contact, her smile returning as his stubble traced a rough, yet satisfying trail down her stomach, before his tongue came to rest on her hip bone.

As he pressed his lips to the delicate flesh her body reacted at once, goose bumps spreading over her as her excitement heightened. He tried to ignore the fact that her hip bone was protruding like never before…as he kissed along her stomach and rested upon the other hip he was surprised and jolted slightly when he felt the bone make contact so predominantly with his cheek, but he chose to ignore it, now was not the time to get into that…besides almost a week with his mom would address that in no time…

As he neared her core he felt the straining in his shorts grow stronger again, his hardness desperate to escape and bury itself deep inside her centre, he knew his time would come so he continued south, desperate to make her forget all of her troubles and fears…she deserved to feel like this.

He lifted her left leg slightly and pressed kisses along the inside of her thighs, his tongue centimetres away from her wet cavern but pulled away quickly as Meredith began to moan in pleasure.

'Don't...dont stop' she whispered, fighting to get the words out as her breathing quickened at the return of his touch, this time her right leg extended, taking its turn to be showered in kisses.

Just as he was about to allow his kisses to caress her core he felt her hands snaking down his back, her nails leaving a definite trace of their presence as they dug deep into his skin before she fought for access into the waist band of his shorts.

'later mer.' He exhaled quickly, eager to return to his exploration.

'naked..please…you have to be naked.' She murmured, the desire evident in her voice as he sat himself up a little and allowed her hands to free him from his confinement!

'better?'

'Much' she smiled as she lay back down and allowed his to return to his kisses.

Her back had no quicker touched the pillow before her body was shaking with pleasure, his tongue delved deep into her hot centre and lapped at the juices that had quickly drenched her through. She pushed her hips down into him as he continued to lap at the wetness, his tongue darting in and out of her as his thumb worked circles around her clit.

'D..Der…Oh…' she moaned quietly, desperate to keep control of her orgasm and not alert his mother to their actions. 'Please don't…don't stop…ever.' She added as his free hand moved back up her body and his thumb and forefinger toyed with her nipples as they grew harder once again.

'Please…I need you.' She growled as she began to feel her orgasm growing deep inside of her…'please Derek…'

'Are you ready?' he moaned as his own hardness began to twitch with excitement before he was even buried deep inside of her.

'Ye...Yes…god yes.'

Derek trailed kisses back up her body as he moved himself over her, they had experimented with positions in the past on many occasions, but right now in the moment all he wanted was to be deep inside of her, watching her scream in pleasure as he made her come, their eyes locked as one.

She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer as their lips met, her tongue battling his for victory as the kiss intensified. As her grip grew tighter he parted her legs a little and gently moved himself inside of her, their moans of pleasure escaping in unison as he filled her moist hot cavern.

He felt her walls tighten around him at once, and as she clamped down on him he was unable to keep hold of his own scream that had threatened to escape more than once. 'Derek…shhhh' she mimicked before she released a little allowing him to move slightly deeper again, before withdrawing slowly.

'Don't stop' she repeated as the pair found their rhythm and moved as one, their breathing growing more erratic as the speed built. With every thrust he pushed deeper, her hips raised from the bed ensuring with every penetration he sent shivers across her g spot and along every inch of her body.

'oh…cl…close…don't…cl…' she murmured, barely making sense as her orgasm built, he felt her walls begin to contract around his cock, the tightness they created causing his own orgasm to near its climax…beads of sweat snaking across his forehead as he pushed for more, deeper and deeper.

'Yes Derek…Yes…' she repeated, her voice shaking as the orgasm began to stimulate her all over, her walls clenching tight around Derek as he adjusted his position slightly and pushed even deeper fighting the tightness as his own body began to react. As their breathing quickened their eyes met, the electricity the look gave off was enough to light a city for a week…

'Oh Mer…'

'Der…Derek…'

'M…Mer…Meredith.'

'ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' the pair screamed in harmony as they came together, his body continuously moving as he emptied himself into her, her body bucking in elation as she came with him…hard and fast…every inch of their bodies sharing in the magnitude of the orgasm, as ripples of pleasure continued to flow through each of their bodies.

As the pair lay in one another's arms they remained silent at first, each taking time to soak in the moment afterwards…the moment you know you are complete…no words were needed as they came down from their high.

As the minutes ticked by Derek lay on to his back and pulled a completely relaxed Meredith onto his chest, encompassing her with his arms as her cheek rested gently above his heart.

'Derek.' She moaned.

'Yeah?'

'Just…Derek…'

'Oh…Meredith.'

'Yeah?'

'Just Meredith,' he repeated as he allowed his nose to fall into her hair and breath in the scent that had helped to mesmerise him from day one.

'That was…'

'Perfect?'

'It really was.'

'Were we…quiet? Do you think she heard?'

'I think my mom has selective hearing, with an adopted son who liked to sleep around from a young age I think she has learned when to have the radio on and when not too!'

'Your bed is comfy.'

'It is…shame not much sleeping will be going on in here. Not when there is so much more to do.' He smirked as he pulled her over on top of him 'wanna go again?'


	73. Chapter 69 shutting up

**Hya everyone!**

**Firstly WOW and thank you for all the amazing comments after the last chapter I am so so glad that you enjoyed it! this chapter has one BIG scene but then is a little fillerish but i felt was needed before i moved to the next day so i really hope that you enjoy :)**

**Derek and Meredith are going to spend around a week in NYC with the Shepherds and I'm hoping to use some of my own NYC sight seeing experience in the updates that follow after this because it is my favourite place on earth! i think i would live there if i could!**

**not quite as long as the last two updates, but they were extra extra long so hope you dont mind a shorter update!**

**thank you once again xxx**

**gem xxx**

Meredith lay still, her head rested on his chest listening to his beating heart, a smile spread across her lips. He was still asleep she could tell, his breathing was deep and his arm lay relaxed around her as he rested. She hadn't slept since they had gone again…for the third time, her body was exhausted but her mind didn't want to switch off. She didn't want to miss the feeling that she had now because it was the way she wanted to feel for the rest of her life.

She felt like herself…Meredith Grey. For the first time in a very long time she actually felt okay. Her mind was filled with thoughts of Derek and what their life could be like. She had never regretted meeting Derek, not for an instant, but there had been times when the devastation of her life had got too much and she had feared she would end up alienating herself from everyone, including Derek. But now as she lay content in his arms she knew that everything would be ok. He had been her rock since she moved to Seattle, yes he had run in Boston a couple of days before…but he had come back and already it seemed that they were stronger than ever. His running had bought to the forefront all of the insecurities that the pair had tried to keep hidden and as a result it meant they could overcome them together, and move forward. She wanted to move forward.

As hard and emotional as visiting Williams grave had been she was also glad she had done it. She felt as though she had gotten his acceptance…his approval to move on, Derek too had sought the same thing when he visited William. She had never expected to feel so free after the trip, and two days earlier she would never have believed that she would be lying here looking forward to the next chapter in her life…but she was…she couldn't wait to share her life with Derek. She wasn't naïve or brainless. She knew there would be days when she thought of him, when the urge to tell him something would get too much and she would break…but with Derek by her side she knew she would come out the other side.

Time's a great healer, that's what people used to tell her. And for so long she had thought it was simply words out of people's mouths to make her feel better, but the reality was it was true. She would never forget him, but she finally believed that every day did get a little easier, she wasn't living her life at an eight, she was at a two right now and that was okay, because of Derek. William played a fundamental part in her life, he helped shape her into the women she was today but as the pages of one book closed a new one was beginning and for the first time in a long time she actually couldn't wait to see what was waiting for her and Derek.

Derek began to move beneath her cheek and she smiled as she felt him lean forward and breathe her in, in a way only he knew how. 'You awake?' he whispered as he tightened his arms around her, his fingers delicately caressing the length of her spine.

'Never went to sleep.' She murmured in reply as she lifted her head and pressed a quick kiss to his lips.

'Mer…you were exhausted you needed to rest.'

'I know…and I did…I did rest…lying here with you like this was exactly what my body needed.'

'We are never going so long without sex again are we?'

'Never! I'd offer you round four but I think your mom will be calling us for dinner soon, we have been up here a long time Derek.' She laughed as her stomach rumbled and her hand instantly fell to it in embarrassment.

'Someone's hungry?'

'Yeah…I am, it smells amazing.'

It's good that you are hungry Mer.'

'I know and I will eat. I promise you.'

'No one has ever resisted moms cooking yet, I will have to roll you out of here next week!'

'Derek!'

'I'm sorry, just kidding. It's just great to see you with an appetite…or should I say hear you and that stomach of yours.' He quipped as he sat up in the bed, and hung his legs over the side of the bed.

'Stay…just a minute longer.' She whispered as she sat up and propped herself up on the pillows 'just pass me my clothes.'

'But I like you naked!'

'I don't think your mom wants a naked dinner guest Derek…and don't think I haven't forgotten that you owe me a massage.'

'Didn't I give you something better…multiple times?' He laughed as he passed her clothes from the floor and the pair dressed quickly before returning to the bed.

'You did…but a massage can lead to a repeat of the better things…'

'I like your thinking.' He smiled as he sat himself up against the head board, 'your right…but we really should get going.'

'Wait…please.' She asked as she reached out and took his hand in hers, turning her body slightly to face him. 'I just…what I want to say is…what I have been meaning to say is I love you...'

'I know Mer…I love you too, so much.'

'You…no talking, let me finish ok.'

'Bossy.'

'You love it.'

'I do.'

'Shhhh no talking I need to say this ok.'

'Ok'

'Shhhh'

'I was replying.'

'Derek!'

'Sorry! Go on…shutting up.'

'Derek, I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life. I know I haven't been the easiest person to be in a relationship with and I know at times you have probably been on the brink of walking away…but this, what we have, it means everything to me. After William I never thought it would be possible to feel this way again…to feel love. But Derek…I love you…more than I have ever loved anybody which is scary and exciting at the same time. When I left for Seattle I imagined a life of being alone, of cutting myself off from the world and focusing solely on becoming the best surgeon that I could be, I wasn't looking to meet anyone else, to let anyone else in…it wasn't what I wanted. Without you I would be nothing, you saved me. The universe threw me a curve ball – you – and I had to improvise. I found happiness when I least expected it Derek and as hard as these past months have been we are still here, together, we found our way back to the things that matter the most. The universe is funny that way, sometimes it has a way of making sure we wind up exactly where we belong.'

A lone tear of happiness trickled down her cheek as she allowed her eyes to meet with his as she breathed a sigh of relief at getting her words out in one go, her green pools connecting with his blue orbs sending electricity running along both of their spines.

'Meredith…I…' he tried to get his words out, but failed, he was in awe of the women who sat before him. After everything that life had thrown her way she was here…saying things like that, capturing his heart and soul in a way no other had done before, and never would again. He was unable to stop the stream of tears flowing down his cheeks as he enveloped her within his arms and held her close. 'I love you so much.' He stammered as he ran his hands down her spine. 'Did you practice that?'

'repeatedly…but it wasn't quite what I had in mind…my heart took over and my mouth wouldn't shut up and I just really needed to tell you that we can do this…together…we can do this.' He cut her off mid sentence as he captured her lips with his own, her fingers lacing through her hair, and hers wrapping tightly around his neck, eager to be closer.

'You amaze me Meredith.'

Meredith had enjoyed dinner. She wasn't quite sure the last time she had been able to say that about a meal but there was no denying that Caroline was an amazing cook. Derek couldn't believe his eyes when he had seen the clean plate and he had wasted no time in adding a second helping onto the porcelain surface before her, silently thanking God that she was eating again.

Derek had offered to clear the dishes and do the washing up and Meredith had quickly offered her assistance too but he had declined her offer and told her to go and relax and spend some time with his mom, promising he wouldn't be long so now she found herself sitting on the couch watching a movie with Caroline as Derek got to work.

'Dinner was lovely, thank you.' Meredith smiled as Carolyn turned in her arm chair and faced her.

'You're welcome dear; it was wonderful to see you eat.' She replied; glad to see Meredith smiling again.

'I didn't realise food could taste as good as that! Derek cooks, a lot and makes some amazing things but I haven't really ever had the appetite to really enjoy anything…until now! You have a talent!'

'I've had enough practice Meredith! I did mean what I said; I would be honoured to teach you.'

'I think I'm a lost cause in the kitchen, and I'm pretty sure Derek wouldn't let me so much as open a tin in the trailer for fear of me cutting myself and getting blood on his work surfaces!'

'I think I will take a risk, you're worth taking a risk for.'

'oh…'

'Don't be so shocked Meredith, I think of you as one of my own and the thought of any daughter of mine not being able to cook in incomprehensible! Every daughter has to at least try…just once to make their partner a meal that they love!'

'Meal? Didn't we agree on cookies or something earlier?' Meredith laughed as she looked up at Caroline, hoping she was joking!

'We did, and we can start with cookies but I have more faith in you than you give yourself credit for. Wouldn't you love to make something for Derek by surprise one night? Without having to ring the pizza guy?'

'You do know we are only staying a week right? I doubt that is enough time to turn me in a mini you!'

'A week is plenty of time to teach you Derek's favourite.'

'Salad? I can open bags and toss leaves!' Meredith joked happily.

'Don't let you fool him with the salad business, yes he likes healthy food but he is also a fan of my traditional hot food too.'

'Steak? I could grill steaks, besides he likes his barely cooked or something so that sounds easy too!'

'Or my pot roast, my secret recipe. He loves it! But he isn't allowed the secret ingredient!'

'And I am?'

'I don't exclude my son from many things, but this recipe is something that the Maloney ladies share, Shepherd boys don't get a look in!'

'Are you sure you want to take the risk of me ruining something so sacred?'

'You won't ruin it with me in the kitchen Meredith, I promise you.'

'Ok...I can't believe I'm agreeing to this, but ok, but do you think we could keep the pot roast a secret? When we get back to Seattle it would mean the world to him to surprise him with it, if I can master it that is…or I could call you as I made it and you could talk me through the steps!'

'I think he would love it dear! We can ship him off with his brother in laws later this week for a spot of fishing and we will get going on the pot roast, but I think we should start cookies before then! There is no way you can mess cookies up!'

'Shall I remind you of that once I've filled your kitchen with smoke?'

'It would be a story to tell in years to come!'

'I'm pretty sure I'd never be allowed back to tell the story.'

'You will forever be welcome in my home Meredith.'

'Thank you.' Meredith whispered as she sat back onto the couch, tucking her feet underneath of her as she snuggled down against the arm rest and returned her eyes to the television screen.

'Hey all done.' Derek called as he walked into the living room, carrying a tray with three coffees sitting atop of it, only for his mom to quickly silence him as she pointed over to a sleeping Meredith on the couch.

'Shhhh she fell asleep about fifteen minutes ago, poor girl is exhausted, maybe if she had slept this afternoon like I suggested she wouldn't be exhausted on my couch right about now?' Caroline smiled as she watched the look of horror fall across Derek's face.

'You heard that?' he gasped, blushing, as he carefully sat down in the space next to Meredith, eager not to wake her from her slumber. 'I'm...Sorry…I can't…don't tell Mer, please! Or Mark, definitely not Mark!'

'I won't Derek, not this time anyway! First time in forty two years I think I can let it pass!'

'This is…humiliating...I can't…'

'Enough Derek! I had to let you know that I heard otherwise it could get awkward later when Meredith worked it out for herself! This way you are pre-warned to be quiet!'

'I can't believe I am having this conversation with my mother! Can it end here?'

'Of course. Now pass me one of those coffees please Derek.'

Derek stood, but never took his eyes of Meredith as he checked he hadn't disturbed her. He reached over to his mom and placed the coffee in her hands, surprised when she took the mug in one hand but caressed his free hand with her other.

'She is ok Derek, the difference in her already is extraordinary…I'm so proud of you.' She whispered, her voice catching in the back of her throat as she took a sip from her drink and settled back into her seat.

Derek ran his fingers through his hair as he looked between the two women in the world who were the most important to him and he was pretty sure his heart skipped a beat. He always knew he was lucky having such a perfect mom, and never in his life had he ever expected to feel so strongly about another human being. He thought the love he felt for Meredith only existed in movies…or to his mom and the love she had for his dad. But now as he settled in again next to Meredith he couldn't believe how lucky he was. She really was the world to him.

He ran his finger tips lightly along her side, and up over her delicate cheeks before brushing her hair off her face, pulling his hand back quickly as she began to move beneath his touch.

'don't stop' she whispered as she repositioned herself, turning from the arm of the chair and resting her head across his lap, pulling his hand around her, holding him close.

Derek smiled to himself as he used his free hand to run through her hair like she had asked and it wasn't long before he heard the familiar murmur of her snores filling the room as she relaxed into him. He caught his mom's eye as she turned a smile across her face as she took in the sight before her of her son soothing Meredith and she knew that no matter whatever else came their way they were in this together, and they would be ok.


	74. Chapter 70 spoonful

Meredith woke a little after eight the next morning and smiled to herself as she watched a sleeping Derek next to her, his hand was placed across her as if he were scared to let her go yet his face looked peaceful as he breathed deeply next to her. There weren't many times since she had started sleeping in Derek's arms that she had been the first to wake, to begin with she hadn't slept at all, but when she had found sanctuary in his arms there was nothing she enjoyed more staying wrapped up close in his grasp but today she was the first to rouse, as she sat up against the headboard she realised she felt different once again, her heart didn't ache, and her head didn't feel crammed full of emotions and fear…all she felt was happiness. He made her so happy. Her body felt fully rested and refreshed after a much needed long sleep, Derek had let her sleep on the couch last night for a good couple of hours before he had carried her up to bed. He had helped her change into one of his t shirts before he had lay down next to her and kissed her gently on the cheek and his fingers had brushed through her hair until she fell asleep. As she had drifted off she had heard him mention going back down to keep his mother company for a little while, and that had been the last she remembered till around three am when she had felt his arms engulf her as he breathed her in and had finally come back to bed.

As she carefully sat up in the bed she definitely felt like she had more energy than normal and the growl from her stomach proved once again that her appetite was back so she quietly slipped out of Derek's gentle grasp, wrapped the robe around her that Caroline had left out for her and set off downstairs hoping she could at least find a banana or something to curb her hunger for the time being as she wasn't expecting Derek or Caroline to rise for some time yet after their late night.

As she stepped down into the hallway she was puzzled by the murmur of voices that appeared to be coming from the kitchen, she pulled the robe tighter as she wrapped her arms around herself, continuing her walk at a much slower pace. She pushed the door open slightly and jumped back a little at the sight before her. Caroline had her back to her and was busy fussing over the top of the stove whilst a brown haired, younger woman was mixing something in a bowl, before moving to the refrigerator and burying her head inside as she looked for something, both parties oblivious to her presence.

It was only as the younger woman turned around was anyone alerted to her presence in the kitchen.

'Oh…crap.' The woman said dropping the milk she was carrying on the tiles as she jumped at the sight of Meredith and fretting as the white liquid began to seep across the floor.

'Anna Louise language!' Caroline snapped as she turned to face the commotion, throwing a towel down on the floor as she did so, encouraging her daughter to clean up her mess, and pleasantly surprised to see Meredith moving forward and taking another towel, bending down to help.

'Meredith…good morning dear, I think you gave Anna a fright. We didn't expect to see you just yet.'

'I…sorry…I didn't mean to scare you…I was just awake, and Derek was asleep so I thought…breakfast, but you're busy and cooking…or making or something, so I can leave you too it and go back up its fine…sorry…about the milk….and…sorry.'

'You were right about the rambling Ma.' The woman smiled as she stood up, placed the wet towels in a pile on the floor and rubbed her milk clad hand along the apron she was wearing to dry it off before extending it to Meredith.

'Hi. I'm, Derek's favourite sister.' She smiled as she stepped a little closer to Meredith.

Meredith offered her own hand in return, feeling herself blush with nerves as she shook his sister's hand. 'Hi…I'm Meredith…but I guess you know that? You must be Anna?'

'So my older brother does think of me as his favourite if you got my name right on the first guess.' Anna chuckled as she pulled Meredith into a hug, taking Meredith by surprise.

'Oh…you…you all hug.' Meredith smiled as she hugged Anna back briefly before stepping back a little.

'We do, family trait.'

'I've noticed.'

'I'm sorry to turn up early unannounced but my idiot of a husband was driving me up the wall with his clinging, and the kids were just so irritable I decided to leave him to deal with them. Plus Derek is here and I haven't seen him in forever so I was hoping for a little time with my brother before the chaos descends on us.'

'It's definitely going to be a lot.'

'I will apologise in advance for Kathleen and Nancy, ignore them if you get any strange vibes off them, Kathleen thinks she can read people and is obsessed with understanding anyone and everyone's behaviour, and Nancy is just…Nancy…a bitch….'

'Anna! Do not talk about your sisters like that!'

'I'm sorry Ma, but you know it's true. Nancy is enough to scare anyone off, might as well warn Mer in advance of the fact!'

'Oh…'

'don't worry dear, they aren't as bad as Anna is making out…but I have to agree slightly God definitely made Anna, Derek and Amelia the more easy going of my children.'

'I always knew you loved us more, wait till Amelia hears this!'

'I said no such thing! Don't put words in my mouth!'

'Amelia? I forgot there were four!'

'Yeah Amelia is two years older than me, we used to fight like cat and dog, but we are close now. Poor Derek had a lot to deal with, two older sisters, and two younger…Mark was his saving grace…till you…I get the impression you pretty much saved my brother.'

'Oh…I mean...Wow…he saved me…he is the strong one…he…'

'Meredith dear as hard as this past year has been for you I guarantee that you saved my son too. He fled to Seattle and we had no idea if or when we would see him again…but whichever way you look at this it's clear to see that you brought him back to us…we were close to turning up in Seattle a few months ago…but meeting you changed him, for the better…he is Derek again…with Addison he was never the boy I raised…we all saw how he disappeared before our very eyes. When the girls see him later I guarantee everyone will be thanking you…in the same way I am. Thank you Meredith.' Caroline smiled as she moved alongside Meredith and wrapped her arms around her, pulling her close before whispering 'I love you, 'words that left her wiping a tear from her eye, something that didn't go unnoticed by Anna.

'So breakfast Ma, I'm starving!' Anna interrupted.

'You would be, are pancakes ok for you or would princess Annabelle wish to make changes to the menu?'

'Pancakes would be great ma; do you have any of that chocolate spread the kids usually have?'

'Chocolate? Really?' Caroline quizzed her eyes closing in on Anna in a look that was all too familiar to the youngest Shepherd sister, Anna's eyes pleading with her to let her suspicions drop for now.

'I bet Meredith would like chocolate on her pancakes right?'

'Urm...Is it rude to say no?' she whispered, embarrassed to share her opinion as she looked between the two women in confusion as to what there looks meant.

'Of course not dear, usually Anna would be turning her nose up but I'm guessing things change…syrup for you?' Caroline smiled as she moved over towards the side board as she returned to her mixing.

'yes please, thank you…I was just going to grab a banana or something, You and Derek were up late I assumed no one would be up so please don't go to any trouble' meredith stated as she watched Caroline efficiently get back to her breakfast routine

'I don't need much sleep dear, I'm fresh as a daisy, and breakfast is the most important meal of the day, no one just grabs a banana in this house. Even when Derek is still asleep I can make you something…another reason why you need to learn how to cook, I don't know how you don't starve!' She laughed

'Well I have Derek…and the pizza delivery guy on speed dial.'

'And what about if this had been in Seattle? What if Derek was still sleeping and you needed to eat? What then?'

'Banana, cold pizza, left over grilled cheese, anything really.'

'Wait, Derek Is actually still asleep? I've never known him sleep past 8…ever.' Anna gasped.

'Well where did you think he was dear? Do you see him at the table?'

'Well no…but this is Derek, I assumed he was out fishing, or walking or buying the paper or something.'

'He needs his rest, he has hardly had any lately…he needs it.' Meredith interrupted

'He does…but I also want my son to have a good breakfast too, so how about I feed you too now, then you could maybe take a walk around the neighbourhood whilst I make my boy his own treats.'

'Something's never change I see!'

'Derek hasn't been here for me to make breakfast for in so long.'

'He gets his own breakfast?' Meredith asked, looking between the two women in amusement

'Even as a child what Derek wanted Derek got, the joys of being the only biological boy...So if history is anything to go on Ma will wake him up, take his order and deliver it to his bedroom without him moving a muscle! You should get used to it…'

'Me? I can't cook…he will have to be all fruit and fibery if he wants that from me.'

'Mer is a novice in the kitchen.' Caroline pointed out as she moved to stand next to Meredith, placing her hand on her shoulder, 'but nothing a week here with me won't sort out!'

'I think novice makes it sound like I have some experience, but besides opening cereal packets and heating up left over's I don't cook…ever!'

'So how _do_ you eat?'

'Derek…or…I don't…usually Derek.' She replied, her head dropping slightly as she realised how it must sound to Anna

'How Meredith eats or doesn't eat is neither here nor there Anna' Caroline quickly intercepted, eager to steer the conversation away from Meredith's frail appearance 'what's important is that she DOES eat…and will continue doing so, and maybe, just maybe she will have enough skills to make herself something in the future.'

'Or ruin your family kitchen…I'd guess that more likely than me actually learning anything!'

Derek woke with a start, astounded to see the room flooded with light already, oblivious to the fact he had slept late. He peered at the bedside table, his eyes focussing on the time as 10:54 flashed before him. He rubbed his eyes, not quite believing how long they had slept. He had stayed up late talking with his mom, and Meredith was still catching up on the sleep she had pretty much lost over the last twelve months – longer even, but he hadn't realised how much sleep the pair of them must have actually needed.

'Mer…wake up we need to…' he stopped suddenly as he turned in the bed, frozen as he realised Meredith wasn't curled up in the space beside him, he stared at the sheet pulled up over the mattress she had once lay and felt his heart rate quicken in fear as he scrambled out of the bed, quickly pulling on some clothes as he ran to the bathroom.

'Mer?' he gasped as he pushed open the door, bile rising in his stomach as he met an empty room, he quickly fled the room calling her name as he bounded down the stairs taking two at a time, almost sending himself hurtling down head first but somehow regaining his balance as he reached the bottom safely.

'Meredith?' he called again as he peered inside the living room and saw no sign of life.

He quickened his pace once again and ran down the corridor towards the kitchen, pushing the door out of his way so forcefully it nearly knocked him out on its speedy return.

'Meredith…' he wheezed as he stood in the middle of the room and surveyed the sight before him. Plates sat on the table, and mugs joined them…a clear sign that someone had eaten…but Meredith couldn't cook…so it couldn't have been her…

'Meredith?' he called again, his voice breaking a little as he went outside on the back porch where he found his mother sitting there, a coffee in her hands.

'Ma...gone…she's gone' he panted as he struggled to catch his breath, placing his hands on his knees as he took a deep intake of breath in.

'Yes dear.' Caroline replied 'she has been gone a good hour…'

'Why didn't you wake me? How can you sit there so calm? She could be anywhere by now…'

'Derek Shepherd do not snap at me, I am your mother…and I'm decisively not stupid either.'

'You let her go? You knew she had gone, and you just let her?' he sobbed, his hands running through his dark locks in despair

'Derek…really…' Caroline began as she realised suddenly why her son was in such a state. 'Derek sit down, listen to me…it's not what you think.'

'Meredith is gone…it seems crystal clear to me.'

'Except you only see the two dimensional Derek…Meredith is more three.'

He looked at his mother confused, especially when he saw the smile spread across her face

'Meredith has gone for a walk with your sister, she woke early, I made her breakfast, Anna was already here and the pair of them hit it off! As they walked out of the door Anna was telling Meredith about the time you and Mark tried to climb out of your bedroom window, and you ended up in the Emergency Room with a broken wrist…I'm surprised Meredith's giggles didn't wait you.'

'She's walking? With Anna? Meredith and my sister? Are walking? Together? My favourite sister….oh god!' he groaned as he sat down beside his mom, relief washing over him as his heart relaxed in his chest and the sweat beads that had rested upon his top lip began to disperse. He was surprised when his mother's hand found his.

'Stop doubting her Derek; believe in her, you can't constantly think that she has gone just because she isn't beside you. She is coming through this the other side because of you, but if you continue to doubt her then I don't know if she will ever make it the whole way…she is amazing Derek…'

'I know…believe me Ma I know…I love her so much…so much, she is everything to me. Meredith is my world. I never thought it was possible to feel this way over a girl, but with Meredith….'

'You just know?'

'I do.'

'Your father always wanted you to have this for the right girl. Addi wasn't right clearly.' Caroline smiled as she gripped her sons hand tighter, and with her free hand passed over the small gold and diamond band that had, until moments ago lived on her finger.

'You spent less than a week with Meredith, you barely even know her,' Derek whispered as he took the ring from his mother and looked at its beauty on the palm of his free hand, a tear escaping down his cheek as his heart felt set to burst with love for his mom.

'I know enough. I know it's hard to let go of the people that you love, I know how you fear that no matter what you say or do you will never be good enough for Meredith, I know the guilt of trying to move on…'

'You never did though, do you regret it?'

'I still can't sleep on his side of the bed, the mattress is wearing unevenly. But no, no, not regret. Not anymore. I have never wanted anyone else in my life, your father was the love of my life, William wasn't the love of her life Derek…that's you darling…Oh sweetheart, you see things in black and white.'

'Mmmmm.' He whispered as he pulled his mother in close and pressed a loving to kiss to the top of her head.

'Meredith doesn't. She is letting go of her fears…don't let yours tear you apart.' She smiled as she lifted her hand and ran her fingers delicately over his cheeks as she dried his tears. 

'I won't…I love her…so much.'

'You need a spoonful of that. You need her. She's the one.'


	75. Chapter 71 cookies

Cookies

Meredith was alone in the house with Caroline, a few months, weeks…even days ago the thought of being separated from Derek would have petrified her. He was her rock, and she knew more than anything there was no way she would be where she was today without him. He had gone out for the day with his brother in laws to race Aston Martin's around a track as a surprise gift arranged by his mother. With all that had being going on in her son's life Caroline had quickly acted once she knew she would have him home, even if only for a few days so the night before at dinner Caroline had surprised him with an envelope and he had been close to tears as he had realised what was inside. It had been a child hood dream of his to drive a Martin at speed around a track and he was finally going to realise it. As he and Meredith had fallen into bed that night he had asked her on numerous occasions if she minded them not spending the day together, she had, of course promised him she could survive a day without him, and she had genuinely meant it. Plus the look on his face melted her heart, he had been so excited, tossing and turning all night, driving her round the bend that it didn't take long before she had got back up and just let him speak about gear changes and horse power and whether or not she thought the helmet would squash his hair – if she was honest she was pleased when he had kissed her goodbye, she was ready for the peace! Even if it would only be temporary and would be twice as bad when he returned! But he was out having fun, he deserved it!

Meredith and Caroline had arranged to meet Derek's sisters in town in the afternoon for a spot of shopping, with Anna promising Meredith that there was nothing better than retail therapy! She had been nervous the night before when the sisters and their tribes had descended on them however somehow she had come out the other side smiling…and liked…by everyone – even Nancy! She had feared awkward silences and pitying looks, but instead Meredith had been met with a whole bunch of 'Derek's.' Each sister seemed to share a trait with Derek, Anna loved Meredith, or so it seemed, Amelia shared her brothers love of all things Neuro and found common ground with Meredith when discussing surgery, Kathleen had her brothers compassion and Nancy shared many of her opinions with Derek, clearly seeing things in black and white (which Meredith had found highly amusing especially as everyone had warned her that Nancy was the bitch!)

But before that she had some baking to do!

She stood looking in the mirror of the bedroom as she contemplated what to wear for a day of baking with Caroline. She had never baked before, and she certainly hadn't packed an 'emergency apron' just in case the desire to bake suddenly hit her, so as she stood, her hands on her hips in one of Derek's shirts and a pair of leggings she couldn't help wonder if she was suitably dressed.

'Meredith dear these cookies won't bake themselves.' Caroline called as she knocked on the door 'can I come in?'

'Yeah…I was just…urm…is this ok?' Meredith asked as Caroline stepped inside the room and cast her eyes over the girl she hoped one day would be her daughter in law. 'I didn't bring an apron, or a hat or whatever.'

'I have an apron you can borrow if you would like, and there is no need for hats in my kitchen Meredith I promise you. Is that Derek's shirt?' she smiled as she watched Meredith tie her hair up into a ponytail.

'Yeah…is that ok? Because I can change its probably going to get that white powdery stuff on it or the yellow greasy stuff I throw on toast wiped on it…'

'Butter dear, you know that one!' she laughed as she shook her head at Meredith.

'Yeah…butter, your right I do know that one…butter – it goes on toast!'

'And also in cookies so you at least no some of the ingredients needed…and that white powdery stuff is flour so that's already two from the list you know!'

'Flower…petals?'

'No dear, not quite flour, F L O U R, don't worry you will quickly know the difference.'

'There are different types of flowers? I mean I know there are Lily's and roses or whatever…but for baking…there is flour for baking?'

'Yes dear many different kinds, self raising, plain, whole wheat… but you don't need to worry about that for now I will point you in the right direction.'

'You will?'

'Of course, I'm not going to leave you unattended, as much as I wish to teach you how to cook, I do value the safety of my property too so for now no unattended baking!'

'That's a relief!'

'Are you ready dear?'

'If I say no does it mean we can put it off?'

'No.'

'Then I guess I have no choice.'

The pair set off side by side down the stairs on their decent to the kitchen, Caroline surprising Meredith by linking her arm through hers as they walked.

'Ok I have everything ready for you; I thought I would get everything out of the cupboards and the fridge for you ready so you can get a good look at everything before we begin.'

'We need all of this? I thought you made cookies with a box mix and just added eggs or something!'

'A box mix…Meredith dear, a box mix is not baking, and if I were president of this country I would ban such things from existing! Box mixes are for the lazy dear, and I'm certain you are anything but lazy, that Betty Crocker has a lot to answer for!'

'Betty who? Ok…but where on earth am I supposed to start, I mean eggs, and vanilla essence…milk…how does this stuff even become cookies. I mean even I know that all of these things are liquid…and cookies most definitely aren't!'

'Have you heard the phrase don't run before you can walk?'

'Of course'

'well this is an example…stop worrying about the finished product and let me help you get there first…baby steps…there isn't a woman in this family who I haven't managed to teach…and I won't be failing today.'

'There is a first time for everything!'

'Have faith dear…you might surprise yourself.'

'I doubt it.'

'Ok, this here is my recipe book, I have collected many new ideas and suggestions along the way but in here are some of my firm favourites.'

'So Derek's' favourites too?'

'Of course.'

'So I'm going to ruin your favourites and Derek's too…you're all going to hate me after this.'

'Meredith the negativity ends here; there is no room for negativity in this kitchen! If you doubt yourself then the cookies will hear and refuse to cook…so…stop it…enough!'

'The cookies will hear?' Meredith giggled as she instantly relaxed and for the first time that morning began to look forward to her lesson. 'Even I know cookies don't have ears!'

'Ok first things first we need a mixing bowl, I for one swear by a metal bowl, it keeps the dough cold but others disagree.'

'Bowl…right…that's the silver thing I'm guessing.' Meredith whispered as she reached for a pen and began scribbling notes down on a piece of paper.

'It is. And before we begin you always have to preheat the oven, you never put your mixture into a cold oven.'

'How hot?' she asked as she continued with her account of what to do.

'That depends on your oven really but a medium heat around 190 should be fine…but if you're not sure you can always ring me.'

'Ring Caroline…right.' She laughed as she added to her scribbles.

'Meredith dear, I know you want to do this right but I can write all that down for you afterwards I promise, leave the notes…please dear'

'Ok…sorry, this is new.'

'I know, but the best way to learn is to get stuck in, ready?'

'I guess.'

'ok I'm a pretty old fashioned kind of cook and I love to measure out on old style scales but I'm also aware this is the modern world so I caved and treated myself to these electronic ones, which I suggest you use because then there is no way you can go wrong!'

'Buy scales.' Meredith muttered as she resisted the urge to pick the pen back up and begin writing again.

'Place the bowl on the top and then press reset to set the weight to zero, that's it dear.' She smiled as Meredith followed the instruction. 'Ok into the bowl you need to add 350 grams of unsieved flour, a tea spoon of baking powder and the same again of salt…a tea spoon Meredith not a serving spoon.' Caroline laughed as she quickly reached out for the larger spoon in her hand and replaced it with the much smaller spoon that was needed.

'Oh…sorry, I just heard spoon so I thought…how am I ever going to get this if I can't even pick up the correct spoon!'

'You have it now dear so no need to panic; besides that's what I'm here for.' she smiled as she encouraged Meredith to continue. 'Now in this bowl you need to mix the wet ingredients, it makes it easier to combine the dry later.'

'Wet ingredients…ok.'

'ok now add the butter, white sugar, brown sugar and vanilla to the other bowl, that's it, I've measured them out for you to take some pressure off but I will put all the requirements down don't worry.'

'Ok so I can use the wooden spoon right?'

'Yes dear, mix them together until you get a creamy consistency…that's it. You will meet some people who throw all of this into a blender but for me that's cheating, and if you can do it this way then you are set for life.'

'Ok I think that's ready?' Meredith asked as she slid the bowl across the counter to be inspected.

'Perfect!'

'Really?'

'Yes, don't look so surprised, I told you I'm an excellent teacher!'

'I see modesty runs in the family.' Meredith joked as she smiled at Caroline, rather surprised to be enjoying the experience.

'It does…now you need to crack two eggs into the creamy mixture, watch the shell…'

'Cracking eggs is one thing Derek lets me do in the kitchen…he calls me a pro!' she laughed as she successfully deposited the eggs into the bowl.

'Good work meredith. Now you need to gently a little at a time add the dry ingredients from the other bowl, stirring as you add.'

'Ok…a little at a time…just a litt…CRAP!' Meredith jumped as a little too much flour dropped into the bowl, causing a cloud of fine powder to jump up into the air, and nestle itself in her hair.

'Oh Meredith…get mixing dear.' Caroline laughed as she dusted off Meredith's shoulders and wisps' of blonde hair that now resembled a snow shower! 'That's it; now just add the remaining flour.'

'I'm sorry; there is powder on your floor and your work tops…'

'All of which can be swept or dusted off, id be worried if anyone could bake and leave no mess behind! That looks just right to me now, finally you need to add chocolate chips, this was the only way I ever got Derek to eat chocolate as a child…and I'm assuming he is the same now!'

'I have never known anyone be such a health nut as him…but he does love your cookies.'

'And he will love yours too dear I promise.'

'I think I will add a little extra chocolate, make him realise I made them.' She smiled as she added an extra handful of chips to the mixture.

'now we need to split the mixture in two and roll into sausage shapes, that's it, flour the work top a little so that it doesn't stick, and then cut into chunky slices, cookies are no good thin and crispy, they need to be worth the bite!'

Meredith did as she was instructed, sprinkling flour across the counter and carefully cutting the dough.

'I have greased the baking tray a little for you Meredith, this way the cookies won't stick.' Caroline pointed out as she directed Meredith to add her medallions to the tray. 'Give each a little pat down, but now too much as they will expand a lot in the oven.'

'Like this?'

'Perfect, you're a natural.'

'Hardly!'

'Meredith, you have done it, fifteen to twenty minutes in the oven and we are good to go.'

'How do I know id they need fifteen or twenty though?'

'Preference really, fifteen minutes will leave them gooey in the middle; twenty will leave them a little more solid.'

'Gooey I think…I think Derek would like them gooey.'

'You know him so well!'

'So fifteen minutes?' she smiled as she opened the door and placed the tray onto the middle shelf. 'And we wait?'

'We do, we can start to wash the dishes, but need to keep an eye on the clock, and we don't want your first batch burning.'

'I can do that, you did so much already helping me, I really don't mind.'

'This kitchen is all about team work, we bake together, and we clean together…besides I want to wait to try one of them.'

'You do? Aren't you scared you might get sick or whatever?'

'Unless you added something when I wasn't looking then I am pretty certain my recipe doesn't make people sick!'

'Oh…I'm sorry, so sorry I didn't mean your recipe would…'

'Relax dear, I was kidding, you have done a marvellous job, and I know Derek will agree when he tastes one.'

'I hope so!'

'I know so.'

Meredith and Caroline washed the dishes and cleaned down the surfaces, and fifteen minutes quickly seemed to fly by, and it wasn't long before Meredith was being directed to open the oven door and check on her delights.

'Mmmmm they certainly smell amazing.' Meredith smiled as she opened the door a jar and peered inside.

'I see the modesty is catching.' Caroline laughed as she watched Meredith manoeuvre the oven gloves and lift the tray up and out of the oven. 'They certainly look the way they are meant to.'

'They do?'

'Indeed they do, it looks like I made a baker out of you Meredith Grey!'

'Wow…I mean they are hot still and probably too hot to try but I really want to.'

'Give them just a few minutes to cool and settle, then tuck in, but make sure you save some for the tribe otherwise they won't be believing that you made any.

Shopping had taken a lot longer than everyone had expected and it was late when Meredith and Caroline finally stumbled through the door laden down with bags, a clear sign that they had enjoyed themselves and gone a little OTT on their credit cards!

The house was quiet so neither where quite sure if Derek was home as they crept in and placed the paper bags down on the hall floor.

'I hope you packed another suitcase!' a familiar voice laughed from the living room as he stepped out and leant on the door frame, his eyes casting over the sea of bags at their feet.

'You're back!' Meredith smiled as she stepped over the bags and closed the gap between them, her hands quickly finding the back of his neck as she pulled him closer and pressed her lips to his. 'Mmmmm you taste of chocolate.'

'I sure do, mom must have been busy after I left I devoured half of the cookies she left in the kitchen.' He blushed greedily as he heard his mother cough behind him.

'I haven't been baking dear.' Caroline pointed out as she watched the smile spread across Meredith's face.

Derek looked between the pair puzzled at their expressions 'well mom unless the cookie fairy deposited cookies that I think top yours, then I'm pretty sure you must have forgotten that you baked bright and early?'

'I'm telling you son I haven been baking…Meredith however…well it appears she must be a natural!' she beamed as she moved to stand alongside her, placing her hand on her shoulder 'you see, I told you he would love them,' she whispered into Meredith's ear as she moved away towards the kitchen, leaving her bags waiting in the hall.

'You baked?' he grinned as he cupped her face in his hands, brushing her hair back away from her face as he did so 'Meredith Grey Michelin Chef.'

'Hardly!'

'Seriously Meredith those cookies are perfect! Extra chocolately too, you might get me addicted!' he laughed as he pulled her close to him pressing his lips to her, mirroring her earlier action 'have you tried them?'

'I did.'

'And?'

'And I loved them…but that was big headed of me of whatever so I wanted to surprise you with them...but it looks like you beat me too it.' She giggled as she patted his stomach. 'Hope you left some for supper!'

'Promise.' He laughed as he took her hand and led her towards the kitchen where they found Caroline moving cookies on to smaller plates and pouring some milk for the three of them.

'Mom, this looks like when we were little.' Derek smiled as he pulled out a chair for Meredith, before sitting himself down at the table.

'Well special cookies deserve special memories.' She laughed as she slid a plate with three cookies over towards Meredith, and another with one on towards Derek.

'One?' he gasped as he cast his eyes over the other plates on the table before reaching for another cookie just as his mother batted his hand away.

'that plate was full when we left so by my calculations you already had near to a dozen so don't even think about it!' she spat as she picked up her glass of milk and raised her hand into the middle of the table.

'To Meredith's cookies!'


	76. Chapter 72 leap and lean

Leap and lean

The rest of the week had flown by and Meredith and Derek now found themselves doing a few last minute jobs before they had to head out to the airport. Meredith was busy repacking in the living room as she struggled repeatedly to get all of her new clothes into her case and her frustrations could be heard from the kitchen where Caroline was busy making them both a bite to eat for the airport, insisting her own food was better than anything the terminal would have to offer them. Derek was sat at the table, his head in his laptop replying to emails from the hospital and getting his head around the crazy timetable he had for surgery for the next month at least to make up for his extended break. He laughed to himself as he heard Meredith call her suitcase a selection of profanities and he jumped a little when he failed to notice his mother approach him, placing her hand on his shoulder.

'Derek dear are you not going to help the poor girl?' she asked as she placed a cookie down beside him.

'And spoil the fun?' he joked as he reached for the cookie and took a bite, a slight small on his lips as her realised he had actually enjoyed the taste of Meredith's extra chocolate cookies the other day more so than these (not that he would ever admit that to his mother though!)

'I don't know about you Derek but fighting with my case for a good twenty minutes is not my idea of fun. I know Meredith has shopped a lot whilst she was here but have you thought the reason she can't manage to get everything in is because she is scared? She has been doing so much better this week dear, but now she has to return back to Seattle and that's got to be pretty daunting for her. After all you chose to stay on longer for a reason didn't you?' she sighed as she pulled out the chair next to her son and took his hand in hers.

His mother's words sunk deep into his heart, he hadn't stopped to think that in fact she would be nervous to return again, they had had a fantastic week in New York and he had seen her smile more since they had been there then he had in the year that he had known her, and foolishly he had ignored the fact that fear may be creeping back in. His eyes met with Caroline's, no words needed as he placed a kiss to his mother cheek and backed out of the room to help.

He couldn't help but smile at the sight before him, Meredith had her back to him, her hands were placed determinedly on her hips, without seeing he could only guess that her face was beetroot red as she huffed, kicking the outer shell of her case as she continued to struggle to close it. Her hair was loose down her back, and the gentle waves looked perfect despite her struggle.

'You know kicking it really won't help.' He pointed out as he let her know he was there, walking up behind her and covering her own hands with his before pressing a gentle kiss to the top of her head.

'Well I've tried everything else.' She sighed as she leant back into him a little, her head resting back on his chest.

'You haven't tried asking me.' He whispered as he enveloped her body with his arms and pulled her closer.

'You were busy with your mom or whatever, you need to spend time with her, we are leaving today and she will miss you, so I couldn't ask you to help me, you need to be with your mother Derek.' She fussed as she tried to pull away to return to case, only for Derek's gentle grip to prevent her from doing so.

'Would it help if I told you my mother practically kicked me in here and told me off for letting you struggle alone?' he laughed as he spun her to face him, his lips capturing hers at once.

'Mmmmm you taste of cookies.' She whispered as she licked her lips, the sugar from the cookie Derek had eaten a few minutes ago still lingering on his lips.

'Mom's been busy; they are for the journey home….' He faltered on the last word as he saw her eyes grow wide and tears threaten to escape down her pink cheeks.

'Home…' she whispered as she buried her head in to his shoulder, her body tense to his touch as he soothed her fear.

'I know this is big Mer and you're nervous about going back but you have been such an incredibly strong person on this trip, you have come so far that returning to Seattle and looking forward isn't something to be scared of, not anymore. I am never going to leave your side, ever, I'm in this with you for the good and the bad and I can promise you no matter what happens in the future I won't be running from you, I will forever be holding your hand. William would be so proud of you Meredith…I am so proud of you.' He smiled, desperately hoping to ease any pains or fears that were building for her.

'I…I…'

He steadied her backward a little to the couch and helped her sit down, his arms never leaving hers. 'I know Boston was your home, but I want you to think of Seattle as that too, the trailer is yours as much as mine…its ours…'

'Its…it's not that…as much as it hurts to believe it, I do now…you…you are my home Derek, I could live in a cardboard box and it would be home to me if you were in it with me.' She blushed as she winced at how cheesy that had sounded.

'were you just cheesy Mer?' he smirked as he linked his fingers with hers and pressed her palm close to his heart. 'what is it then Meredith please, let me in?'

'Guilty…I feel guilty.' She whispered as she allowed her fingers loose from his, her palm in contact with his beating heart, making her feel entirely safe.

'Guilty? Whatever for?'

'Because I love you. I love you with all my heart and as much as I loved William I don't think in comparison it was anywhere near the love I feel for you…and that makes me a terrible person because he loved me…and I did love him..but this, with you…I never thought I would ever feel the way I feel about you…yet my love for you blows me away every day at its ability to keep getting stronger, every time I look at you I get butterflies and my fears dissolve…'

'You get butterflies?' he smirked, relieved ot see a smile fall across her lips.

'I do…but that's beside the point, I wouldn't want your head to swell Dr Shepherd!' she giggled as she brushed her hair back off her face where the odd strand had stuck to her tears. 'I'm scared to go back…I'm scared to think of Seattle as my home because I'm scared of things going wrong…of loosing you…I couldn't live if anything ever….'

'Shhhh Meredith, look at me. I promise you I am going nowhere, ever. This is it for me, you are the most important person in my life and there is no way I could ever leave you. I know you're not ready right now, and what I'm about to say is not to freak you out…but I think it's fair you know just how much I'm in this ok…'

'Ok.'

'I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build a house that will be our home. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 100 years old, in your arms. I don't want you to be scared of the future with me or be scared to feel the way you do…because I feel it too, I want a lifetime with you. And I know that you aren't ready…but I want to help you get ready…because you deserve to have your happily ever after…we deserve it. I love you Meredith Grey,' a tear escaped down his cheek as he finished, and he was taken slightly off guard as Meredith wrapped her arms around him, her own cheeks wet too.

'I don't want you to have to wait Derek…not long…I want to get ready, I'm not ready right now…but I can get ready.' She sobbed a smile now evident on her face.

'I know you can, I believe in you more than I can put into words…you are a strong and incredible women Meredith, and I am in awe of how you have got this far…you can, and you will be ready one day…and I will be right here by your side…there is nowhere else I want to be.'

'And what if you meet someone who is ready?' she sighed as she leant her head down onto his chest.

'Hey…look at me…this…me and you…I don't want anyone else, ever…you are it for me Meredith and there will never be anyone else…ever…I can promise you that. I see things in our future Meredith that I never thought I would experience with anyone…big things…huge…they are our goal…and together you will get ready…we will succeed…together we can do anything.'

'I love you so much Derek…'

'I know…and I love you too. Forever.'

'Forever doesn't sound anywhere as scary as it used to.'

'Don't be scared Mer…we can do this.

'I need to leap…'

'You do…you already have…but you're not leaping without me okay?'

'Okay.'

'Now how about you let your knight in shining armour get this case closed?' he asked as he stood and began to refold the clothes that were escaping onto the floor.

'I do not need a knight in shining whatever…seriously!' she gasped as she watched Derek close the lid and pull the zip around in one swift action. 'seriously…I have been stood here for hours trying to get that thing closed and you just waltz in here with your perfect hair and your expert suitcase clothing techniques and it just closes…'

'Hey leave the hair out of it.' He laughed as he stood the case up right and pushed it out into the hall, Meredith following behind him.

'So it finally closed?' Caroline asked as she walked out into the hall to see Meredith looking back into the living room to ensure he hadn't left anything behind on the floor and Derek beaming at his handy work.

'I'm sure he hid some of my clothes because I couldn't get it anywhere near fastened and suddenly its closed! So you might find jeans under your couch or something in the next few weeks' Meredith laughed as she hit Derek on the arm to rid him of the smug look on his face.

'or I folded the things inside as opposed to throwing them in any which way…folding…a technique proven to make packing that little bit easier!' he smiled as he stepped away from Meredith's open palm.

'They were folded when I started!' she protested.

'But not when you finished! Relax Mer is sorted now…and look at the time we better get moving soon.'

'Oh..Wow, where did the day go!'

'I know.'

'Derek dear why don't you get the hire car packed up and give me a few moments alone with Meredith?' Caroline smiled as she gave her son a knowing look as he pressed a kiss to Meredith's cheek.

'I'll be right back.'

'okay.'

'I made cookies.' Caroline pointed out as she led Meredith back to the kitchen.

'Derek may have mentioned something about cookies.' She smiled as she sat down and reached for one from the middle of the table.

'I think my son might prefer yours…but don't tell him I'm onto him or I might never bake for him again!'

'I doubt it…besides there is no way he will let me loose in the trailer unattended!'

'Have faith Meredith, you have more talent then you give yourself credit for, beside you have cracked his favourites, and he still has no idea that you have mastered mashed potato!'

'He will think I got caterers in or something!'

'Well I will back you up when he doesn't believe you!'

'Thanks Caroline…'

'Mom…please Meredith…call me mom, there is nothing more in the world that I want right now than for you to call me mom…I love you dear.'

'Oh…I …'

'I know it's hard not to slip up and call me Caroline…but from now on…only mom…I love you like my own daughters and I am so happy to have you in my life, you bring out the best in Derek, I have never seen him as happy as he is with you…'

'I love him so much.'

'I know you do dear, and I know he feels the same.'

'He does…he wants…forever.'

'He does…how do you feel about forever? Do you see forever with Derek Meredith?'

'I do…I love him so much, and I can't lose him. I don't know how I would keep going if anything where to happen to him.'

'You won't lose him…what you have with Derek is so special Meredith, when Derek is with you then I see the boy I knew when his father was alive…you have brought my son back to me Meredith.'

'But Derek hasn't been anywhere?'

'not physically maybe, but mentally…when his father died he stepped up and became the man of the house over night, and he changed instantly…but with you…for the first time I see the son my boy was always meant to be…and for that I can't thank you enough. I know you are scared of letting go, and Derek definitely isn't asking you to forget your past, but I as you to believe in your inner strength Meredith and lean into your fear to get your happy ending. You deserve it, you both do.'

'I'm ready to lean Mom…I think I'm ready.'

'Oh Meredith…'

'Hey everything okay in here?' Derek asked as he came back into the kitchen.

'It sure is, I was just getting a bit emotional over the two of you leaving me. I have loved having you around. I'm going to miss you both so much.'

'you can come out whenever you want to visit mom…honestly, we would be more than happy to have you wouldn't we Mer?'

'Of course. I'm going to miss you so much mom, please come and see us soon.' Meredith smiled as she stood from the table. 'I will let you two say good bye, Mom, thank you so much for everything, for Boston, and here, and for the lessons…thank you.' Meredith smiled as she embraced Caroline before retreating out to the car and allowing Derek to say good bye to his mother.

'You okay?' he asked his mother as he pulled her into his arms and held her close.

'She's ready Derek, or very close…for the ring…she might think she isn't but that girl has more strength in her little finger then most people have in their whole body.'

'Will you come? When she says yes? I can't see it being a long engagement, promise me you will fly out when we get to that stage?'

'You try and stop me!'

'I love you Ma, so much.'

'I love you too, and I can't wait for the day to officially call Meredith my daughter.'

'So soon?'

'Soon Derek, don't wait…she's ready.'


	77. Chapter 73 not as cute as ours

**Hello everyone  
I am so so sory for the length of time you have had to wait for an update, my holiday lft me in holiday mode far too long and it was hard to get back to write and my mind was blank!  
then i had some bad news regarding a family member (that has since got a little bit positive again thank god!) that i literally had no time to write!**

but today i had a few hours to spare and all i could think was that i wanted to update at least one of my stories - so here it is!

there wont be another update till next week as i am going away AGAIN to a festival this weekend and wont be back at my lap top until tuesday, but now the ideas are flowing again i hope it wont be long before updates are posted regurly again.#

a massive thank you for stickign with me during the haitus of this story, i hope you are still interested in reading and want to hear more from merder.

please read, comment, review... you know i love it if you do.

sorry from the bottom of my heart again

i hope this makes up for the wait xxxx

**Ch 73 not as cute as ours**

Derek hadn't seen his girlfriend for nearly 48 hours and it was driving him insane! Well technically he had seen her running with gurneys into the OR, or studying scans in the corridor, or shouting orders to her interns in the ER but he hadn't seen her, seen her! He hadn't held her, touched her, smelt her, breathed her in…kissed her and he felt pathetic to admit that he missed her!

After the last week together he hadn't thought it possible to fall any more in love with the women he intended to marry, but he had, everyday in fact that love just got bigger! Since they had landed nearly 2 days ago the hospital had owned them, and somehow had them seem invisible to one another. Derek had completed back to back surgeries to make up for those that he had had to postpone the week before and then there had been the continuous stream of 911 calls arriving in the ER that he had been paged to. Meredith had been in the hospital the same amount of time but was Nelson's resident and every time he had paged her she had been in surgery or on her way there and now as he headed back towards his office he was feeling slightly frustrated that now she was not returning his messages at all, where was she? He looked at his wrist and watched as the hands gently fall in place to make it 7am, and his shoulders shrugged as he knew his day would have to begin all over again in a few short hours!

As he neared his office he stared at the door, confused to see it open a jar, knowing fine well he never left it that way. He hurried a little, closing the gap between himself and his office and pushed the door wide, a smile spreading across his face when his eyes rested upon a sleeping Meredith on his couch, she was laid out on her stomach, her head resting precariously on one of his over sized cushions and her converse were kicked off to the side, her pager and phone sat on the table vibrating, but her tiny body so exhausted that she failed to wake to respond to them.

He stood for a moment and took in the sight before him; he was exhausted, yet was easily double the size of Meredith, so he couldn't even begin to imagine how tired she must have been. He stepped into his office carefully, eager not to wake her, knowing that before long she would be expected on rounds. He bent down and ran his fingers through her hair, gently pressing a soft, delicate kiss to the top of her head, pausing to inhale the beautiful aroma she always carried with her, his senses where flooded with the sweet smell of lavender, and as if by magic his weary body seemed more at ease, his shoulders seemed to instantly relax…she made everything better. He made an effort to stand and leave her sleeping, but as he inched away her hand instantly reached out to his and pulled him back down towards her. Her eyes didn't open but she shifted towards the back of the couch, making room for him as she turned onto her side, freeing up the remainder of the couch for him. He smiled to himself as he lay his body down, his arm snaking underneath her head, and her golden hair falling perfectly across his chest as she snuggled down into him.

'I love you,' he whispered to her as he felt his eye lids close and give in to the exhaustion that had overcome his body.

'I love you too.' she returned as she too allowed her body to rest again…safe in his arms.

'BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP'

Derek woke with a start after what only felt like a few minutes, but as he took in where he was, and how comfortable he was he smiled at the sight of a sleeping Meredith on his chest. He let his eyes focus on his watch and was surprised to see it was now nearing 12. The beeping of one of their pagers brought his attention back to the sound that had woke him in the first place and he felt for Meredith when he realised it was in fact hers that was breaking their silence.

'Mer…Mer.' He whispered to the top of her head, his right arm gently brushing hers as he shook her a little to wake her.

'Mmmmm, don't want to get up, it's warm, it's a cocoon here.' he murmured as Derek laughed a little at the pleading nature to her voice.

'I'm sorry Mer; it's yours, 911 room 4391.'

'Crap, Mr Walters.' She groaned as she climbed over Derek, pressing her lips to his before she slipped to the floor 'ouch!'

'You ok.' He chuckled as he took in the sight of her sitting back up and pulling her converse on to her feet.

'Urgh I think my shoes shrunk, or my feet grew over night or whatever!' she huffed to herself.

'You know I think that's pretty impossible Mer, but if you loosened the laces you might have more…' he didn't get to finish his sentence as Mer launched one of the offending shoes at his head.

'Make yourself useful.' She laughed

'Yes boss.' He smiled 'you sure you are ok?' he whispered as he past back her shoe and watched as she easily slipped it on and began to retie the laces.

'Yeah, but I gotta go, I operated last night on Mr Walters…this cant good…'

'Go, save lives…I love you. Page me if you need me.'

'I love you too.' she called as she hurried off out of the room.

Derek lay back against the couch, a smile across his lips as his hand rested on the top pocket of his lab coat and pulled out the small, black box that was nestled in there.

He gently lifted the lid and stared inside…his future.

'Whoa, what is that?' Mark asked as he barged into his brother's office

'Don't you knock?' Derek groaned as he sat up, the black box open in his hand. 'What do you think it is?'

'It's dangerous; people who carry guns are more likely to fire 'em.'

'Oh I'm ready to fire it, that's not the problem, she's the problem, she spooks easy. I have to fire at the right time, the right way; otherwise she will panic and bolt. She's not ready; do you think she's ready? Mom thinks she's ready!'

'I dunno, she's been through a lot man…you both have, is this she wants? She had it once, you both did.'

'What I had with Addison was never love, not compared to Meredith…and Meredith with William…she wants this, we both agree its forever.'

'I dunno, and more importantly you shouldn't do anything until you do know.'

'For once you talk a lot of sense.'

'I have my moments, where is Meredith anyway? I thought I was about to bust you two up here at it like kid at the prom?'

'And you still chose to barge in?'

'Meredith is hot man, what I wouldn't have done to catch a glimpse of her…'

'Mark!'

'Relax man, I'm just kidding…you know I'm proud of you and what you have done for Meredith, there aren't many people who would have been able to offer the support that you have. I hope it works out for you both, you deserve it.'

'Where you just sincere?'

'I was.'

'Was that your please pick me to be best man speech?'

'Depends.'

'On?'

'If it worked or not!'

'Mark, when Meredith says yes, when ever that may be…then of course you will be my best man, there is no one else on this earth I would want standing next to me on my wedding day.'

'She will say yes you know, but your right you gotta find the right time…don't push her away when you want her forever. One false move and she will be running, you get that?'

'I do, that's why for now I wait…I just need a sign, anything, and I have to wait.'

'Did you to talk to yang?'

'No, should I?'

'I dunno, she's her friend, she picked up the pieces initially before you came along, if anyone knows she might?'

'Hmm, I will have to think about that, she's a chatty one, and she would probably tell Mer knowing her.'

'She might not as well, think about it.'

'I will, thank Mark, this has helped.'

'You're welcome, with all that excitement I've forgotten what I came up here for in the first place, I know it wasn't only to perve on Mer!'

'And he's back…'

'Good luck man.' Mark called as his pager beeped and he headed back to the OR.

'What have we got Dr Grey?' Derek asked as he responded to a page from Meredith in the ER, 'Jen Harmon, 34, 28 weeks pregnant ran over her husband with an SUV, Rob Harmon, 34, damage to his right collar bone, no sign of head trauma at the moment.'

'Can we get a CT for them both please, and make sure we have all the details.' He smiled as he picked up the chart in front of him. 'Can someone page Torres and Sloan down here to come and see to Mr Harmon please?'

'Already done Dr Shepherd.' Meredith replied as she continued to asses Jen alongside her sister Lexie.

'Mer, her BP is 170 over a hundred.' Lexie pointed out.

'Give her 5 of Hydralazine' Meredith responded as she began to follow Derek out of the room.

'Pregnancy and increased hyper tension? Derek asked as he fell into step with Meredith.

'Yeah, I have to get her BP down before it starts affecting the baby.'

'Nice couple, they'll have cute kids.' He stated as they came to a stop a little further down the corridor.

'Yeah, Not as cute as ours. But, cute' Meredith replied as she stood in front of him, trying to read the grin that had appeared on Derek's face. ... 'What?'

'Nothing.' he smiled, grateful that she was unable to hear his heart thumping with excitement.

_Meredith wanted kids._

'Dr Shepherd, have you got a minute?' the sound of Cristina's voice brought him back from his day dream a moment as he watched Meredith head off down the corridor before turning to respond.

'My patient in 4387 came in with a chest pains, but is also mentioning numbness and tingling in her feet, I thought you could take a look?'

'Of course I have a few minutes, I wanted to speak to you actually?'

'Me?'

'Yes' he smiled as he reached into his pocket and pulled out the box that held all his love and hope inside.

'It's a ring?' Cristina pointed out as she cast her eyes over the glistening diamond before her.

'It's from my mother…it's from me, it was my mothers, and I'm going to give it to meredith soon so what I'm looking for is an opinion on if she is going to like the ring, or if I should have the setting redone in something more modern.'

'It's really none of my business.'

'It is cristina, because when I ask her she is going to need someone to freak out to, you're her family.'

'It's a beautiful ring; do you think she is ready for this?' Cristina smiled at the man before her, the man who had saved her best friends life

'I do, or I hope very soon yes. Sometimes she manages to surprise me with just how ready I think she might be.' He smiled thinking back to Meredith's earlier casual comment about babies.

'And my opinion on this is really that important to you?'

'It is, you're her family Cristina, and you're her person.'

'You're not actually asking for my permission are you? Like you would her father? Is this where this is going?' she laughed as she saw the look of horror on Derek's face 'oh it was…wasn't it, you want to ask me for my friends hand in marriage!'

'I want to do this properly; I want her to have it all…and more…so…'

'So what?'

'Do I have your permission to propose to your best friend?'

'You do…now do it quick because I can't wait to tell Meredith about this part of the proposal…go…do your thing Mcdreamy!'

'Im waiting…'

'Don't wait long…she loves you, if love isn't enough then I don't know what is…go…'

'You won't tell her about the ring?'

'I don't wanna hear any more about your stupid ring till it's on her finger! Oh, you're not gonna do a big thing are you? Like some big, romantic, McDreamy thing. Cause she'd hate that.'

'Well she built the house of candles...'

'Yeah, for you. She built you a house of candles 'cause you like that sort of thing, she doesn't.'

'Okay, thanks.'

'So keep it light…something that means something to the two of you, you can do that right? Because if you can't I might withdraw my permission!'

'I can do light.'

'She said a thing about babies. Like babies were a totally ordinary idea. She's not afraid, she's ready.' Derek smiled as he saw his best friend leaning on the nurses' station ahead of him.

'When are you gonna do it?' Mark replied, patting his brother's arm as he got closer.

'Do what?' the chief asked as he joined the two men.

'Shepherd's proposing.' Mark stated, causing Derek to throw a look of disbelief his way.

'No kidding, outstanding!' the chief laughed as he too embraced Derek, pleased at the news he was hearing for his attending and his resident.

'Yeah. Thanks.'

'How are you gonna do it?' the chief enquired

'I don't know. I just decided.' Derek smiled as all his thoughts began to flood through his head.

_How was he going to do it?_

Mark was quick to change the subject as he spotted meredith approaching from the right, and after a curious glance from Derek he soon caught on to what his brother was doing as he cleared his throat.

'So what did you use, a twist drill for that?' mark asked.

'Oh no, you don't want a partial propriatal haematoma' Derek laughed, mark too joining in a clearly unrealistic way as Meredith approached.

'Hi.' She motioned towards them, bemused by their actions in the hall.

'Good luck man.' Mark whispered as she walked past.

'Just don't tell anyone else OK? I thought I could trust you.'

'You can trust me.'

'Earth to Meredith? You ok?' Cristina asked as she sat down in the cafeteria with Meredith, her eyes scanning her left hand to see if the ring had made its way to her finger yet, it hadn't…so cristina knew she couldn't be freaking out about that just yet.

'I think I freaked Derek out.' She began as she reached over and took a fry from Cristina's plate. 'Derek is going crazy. This morning I said something about having cute babies and now ever since he's been acting weird and avoiding me and dropping conversations when I walk up. I mean he wants babies, he's always wanted babies.'

' Oh, he wants' babies Mer I'm sure, chatty kids with his perfect hair…no way he wants nothing less than a whole soccer team!.

'Maybe he just doesn't want my babies?' she sighed

'No... That, that's not it,'

'Yeah, because my babies will have Alzheimer's, and suicidal tendencies, and split ends and have to be forced to speak when they are fine, be forced to deal with me as a mother…he doesn't want me to be the mother of his children, it must be that.'

'It's not that Mer, trust me…Mcdreamy has got his name stamped all over your uterus, you should probably start praying for small babies now because you're never gonna be the same again once he starts impregnating you with his sperm!

'I'm gonna ask him…he would if it were me, so I'm just gonna come right out and ask him what the hell is going on.' She announced as she spotted him walk past the window, heading towards the exit.

Derek seemed to spend the rest of the day avoiding the chief, mark and even cristina who all seemed to be popping up to offer him advise in what sort of proposal would be right for Meredith, he had on occasions had to change the subject more than once as she had neared him, and she had given him more than enough funny glances as she had tried to work out why he was being so jumpy when she was around.

_Not as cute as ours._

Her words kept ringing thorough his mind…she wanted it all, he just had to make sure he did this right, she deserved the best proposal he could give her, one that was totally her, not cheesy or forced, or anything in-between.

She was unique, and his proposal sure as hell had to be too…which was why he was heading home to the trailer to think, because if it wasn't going to be tonight, it was most definitely going to be soon.

'Hey, um did you eat? Let me change, I'll come with you.' She called after him as she spotted him walking towards the automatic doors 'where you leaving without me?'

'No, no, no, I can't eat. I have to um, work.' he stuttered as she caught him off guard.

'And how do you expect me to get home, you gave me a lift remember?'

'I...I...I'll wait, in my office'

'No forget it, I'll call a cab, it's not too late anyway, you go…work.'

'I really have a lot to do.'

'Okay, listen. You have been acting like a basket case ever since I dropped that stupid little comment about babies. And I'm glad I dropped it, because if you don't want babies, or you don't want babies with me and my crappy DNA... just say so! You don't have to avoid me. You don't have to make up lame excuses about work.

'Meredith, I want your crappy babies.' He smiled, leaning into her, brushing her lips with his own.

'You do? She smiled; her eyes alight with love at his words, all her fears and trepidations disappearing right in front of her.

'All of them.' He whispered, kissing her again, smiling at the look of excitement that had now replaced the earlier one of worry.

'Okay, do you wanna eat?' she smiled, running her fingers through his hair as he stepped back.

'No...I... I... I have to work.' he laughed as he turned and all but ran out of the hospital leaving Meredith bemused, but no longer on edge about her earlier comment.

_What was he up to?_


End file.
